My Skylar

Chapter 22
SKYLAR
Kevin pulled out my chair. “You really look stunning tonight.”
“Thanks.”
I decided not to intentionally embarrass him for once and kept my wardrobe choice modest. Even though ruffling his feathers was more fun, I figured it was the least I could do considering the better part of the past week was spent fantasizing over my ex-boyfriend’s chest, which had apparently become a shrine in honor of me.
Tonight, we were at dinner with one of Kevin’s co-workers, Ray Michaelson and his wife, Linda.
Linda placed a cloth napkin on her lap. “So, Sky, Kevin tells me you’re an interior designer?”
“Yes. I’m starting my own company, actually. It’s still in the early stages. What do you do?”
“I don’t work, but I chair my community Agriburbia board.”
“Agri what?”
“Agriburbia.”
“That sounds like a digestive issue…”
Kevin put his fork down. “Sky…”
I whispered, “I was just making a joke. Sorry.”
Linda continued, “Actually, it’s a concept for integrating agricultural production with housing developments.”
“Ah…very nice.” I took a sip of water.
Kevin rolled his eyes.
“Have you two set a date?” Ray asked.
I hated this question. “Well—”
Kevin chimed in. “I was thinking summer. What about you, Sky?”
“We haven’t really discussed it, Kev.”
“I know, but summer would be ideal, and we’re not having anything big anyway, so we should have enough time to plan.”
“Okay, well, we should talk about this in private another time.”
Linda clasped her hands together. “Summer weddings are fabulous. You could book something down the shore or…Ray, what about your uncle who lives in the Hamptons? Do you think he’d be willing to rent out his house for the event? Wouldn’t that be the perfect venue for a wedding?”
Great. Now, agriburbibitch was planning my wedding?
“I think we’ll be good, but thank you.”
Kevin turned to her. “Actually, Linda, would you mind looking into that? A Hamptons wedding might be nice.”
I cleared my throat. “Excuse me. Don’t I have a say in this?”
“Sky…come on. I just asked her to look into it.”
“Well, I don’t want to get married in the Hamptons.”
Ray and Linda quietly munched on their salads as the mood became tense.
After dinner that night, Kevin paused before starting the car.
“Do you mind telling me what’s going on with you? They were trying to be helpful, and you shit all over it.”
“I just don’t like people prying into my life when I didn’t ask them to.”
“It’s more than that.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been distant. It’s been that way for a couple of months.”
I hadn’t realized how transparent it was. Mitch was all I could focus on lately. My feelings for him weren’t going to disappear, but it wasn’t feasible to think that he and I could actually have a future, that we could just pick up where we left off. There was a child involved now, and I wasn’t sure I could ever move past what happened in order to accept Henry the way he deserved and the way I would need to in order to be with Mitch. But I just couldn’t stop thinking about him: the passionate way he looked at me, the love he had for Henry, his smell, how his heart beat against his smooth, hard chest that now bore my name. Thoughts of Mitch were consuming my life.
At the same time, I truly cared about Kevin. He didn’t deserve to be strung along while I dealt with these other feelings. We had our moments, but deep down, he was a good man. Kevin had been my safety net for so long, and losing him could mean ending up alone altogether.
I needed to say whatever it took to keep the peace while my head got sorted out. “I’m sorry. It’s just the stress of starting the business. I’ll try not to let it show in front of other people like that.”
“I’m sorry, too. I’ve been so busy with work and hadn’t realized it was getting to you like that. I know I’m tough to live with sometimes. I’ll try to be more understanding of the stress you’re under.” He leaned in and kissed me. “Speaking of stress, let’s go home, get into bed and relieve some of it. I know just the way to make you feel better. You’ll see.”
Unfortunately, that night, as Kevin made love to me, the only thing I saw was Mitch.
***
It had been a couple of weeks since the night Mitch came over. We had exchanged cell phone numbers, and he told me to call him if I ever needed anything. The temptation to contact him was ever present, but I couldn’t come up with an excuse.
It was a Wednesday night and Kevin was in Virginia when a text came in.
Did you know stalkers deliver food now? Are you hungry?
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach at the thought of seeing him.
Skylar: How did you know I was alone?
Mitch: I remembered you saying he goes away on business every other week. I have it marked on my calendar.
Skylar: That’s very stalkerish of you.
Mitch: I’m perfecting my craft.
Skylar: Apparently.
Mitch: Would you prefer to go out to eat?
My hands were on the keypad, but I wasn’t sure what to type. He must have sensed my apprehension when he didn’t wait for my response.
Mitch: I’m not asking you on a date. I know you’re engaged. Don’t worry. I respect that. I just want to spend time with you.
Why did it disappoint me that he wasn’t asking me on a date? I was sick in the head and suddenly felt guilty. Kevin.
For all I knew, Mitch might have been involved with someone, too. We never actually discussed that.
Despite all of the logical reasons why this was a bad idea, the need to see him again was overwhelming.
Skylar: Pick me up at 8. What should I wear?
Mitch: Casual. I’ll be wearing all black as usual.
Skylar: Don’t forget your binoculars, creeper.
Mitch: ;-)
***
When the bell rang, my legs shook in anticipation as I walked to the door and opened it.
He lifted his hand up. “Hi.”
His smile nearly melted me, and I had the urge to run my tongue along his perfect teeth. This wasn’t a good start.
“Hi,” I whispered. Any promise I had made myself to view him platonically tonight had gone down the tubes the second our eyes met. “I’ll get my coat.”
Calm down, Skylar.
Mitch was wearing dark jeans and a gray ribbed sweater that clung to his muscles. His wet hair was messy in the best way, and he smelled like the same musky cologne I remembered sniffing all over my body after our one night together in Lake George. I hated being reminded of that right now. The muscles in between my legs clenched, and I wasn’t even touching him.
He’d brought the same Corvette that was broken down last time.
I joked, “I see you fixed the stalker mobile.”
“Yeah…that plan backfired, right?” He laughed and the familiar sound momentarily took me back to a place in time I never wanted to leave.
“Good one,” I said.
“Seriously, I’m grateful it broke down. I’d be sitting out here in the cold tonight watching you instead of taking you out to dinner.”
“Do you mind if I drive it?”
“Sure.” He threw me the keys.
“How do you drive Henry around with no backseat?”
“I have a Ford F150. This car is just a hobby. It’s older. I got a good deal on it and fixed it up.”
When I turned the engine on, Every Breath You Take by The Police was playing. “Ah, the stalker’s anthem, I see.”
“I dug up my old c.d. just for you.”
I shook my head and pulled out onto the street.
“Where are we going anyway?” I asked.
“I thought maybe you’d want to hit Bev’s.”
Bev’s was my absolute favorite diner. It was closer to the neighborhood where my mother lived. We’d gone there quite a bit before he left for college, so we had a lot of good memories at that restaurant. The menu was massive, and it was a 24-hour place, so you could order breakfast for dinner or vice versa.
Once on the freeway, I decided to have a little fun. Before I knew it, I was going 90 with the windows down.
Mitch yelled through the vibrating wind. “Whoa, take it easy. We’re in no rush.”
My hair was blowing around as I shouted the first thing that came to mind, “This from the guy who came in his pants.”
My leg stiffened when he smacked it playfully. “You little shit. Thanks for remembering that…of all things.” The quick contact of his hand on my thigh had given me goosebumps. I hated that I wanted him to do it again.
We laughed a lot during that ride. By the time we got to Bev’s, I was sure my hair looked like a bird’s nest. “How do I look?”
“Like you’ve been driving around in a car with the window down going 90.”
“Hideous?”
“You are so hideous,” he said with an expression on his face that told me he was thinking the opposite as his eyes lingered on mine.
“I’m starving,” I said as I opened the car door, slamming it unintentionally hard.
“Easy now.”
“Sorry, I guess I’m a little nervous all of a sudden.”
“Nervous…why?”
“It’s weird being back here with you.”
“Do you want to leave?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Bells jingled as we entered the diner. The nostalgic smell of freshly baked pie and coffee was the first thing that hit me. Nancy, a longtime waitress, brought us to a booth in the corner. “I haven’t seen you kids in ages.”
“Yeah, it’s been a long time,” Mitch said.
She looked down at my ring finger as she handed me a menu. “Congratulations, you two. What a rock! I always knew you would end up getting married.”
She walked away faster than we could respond. The smile on Mitch’s face had disappeared, and he was now staring at my ring, looking more upset than I had seen him since we reconnected.
I moved my hand to my lap out of sight. “I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be,” he said abruptly.
I needed to change the subject stat. “Do you know what you want?”
Without looking down at the menu, he said, “Yes.” His eyes never left mine. I looked at the ceiling, feeling suddenly shy because it seemed like he wasn’t talking about the food.
I coughed. “I think I’m gonna get the pastrami on rye.”
“You always get that.”
“Yeah…but I haven’t had one as good as this one in five years.”
“I know how that feels,” he said under his breath, looking down. When he looked at me again, he said, “It doesn’t seem like that long, does it?”
“No.”
Nancy came back. “What would you like?”
Mitch gestured for me to start.
“I’ll have the pastrami on rye and a Diet Coke.”
He continued to look at me while he said, “Bacon cheeseburger with extra ketchup and a Sprite.”
“You got it,” Nancy said as she took our menus.
An awkward silence ensued after she left. Having no menu to hide behind left me feeling suddenly naked under the weight of his stare. He looked so handsome, and I worried he could see the want all over my face. As he licked his lips, I imagined running my fingers through his hair and pulling him toward me into a kiss. Someone needed to notify my body that this wasn’t a date and that it was inappropriate to be having these thoughts while engaged to another man.
I looked down at his tattooed knuckles to distract myself from the glare of his hypnotic eyes. I was afraid to ask what the letters stood for. Then, my eyes traveled up to the neck tattoo peeking out from the top of his sweater. It was some sort of tribal or Celtic marking. I felt guilty for wanting to lick it in a line up to his mouth. I hated myself for all of these feelings and started fidgeting, causing our legs to collide under the table.
“Sorry,” I said.
He ignored me and crossed his arms. “Why do you let him call you Sky?”
“He doesn’t know I hate it.”
“Why don’t you tell him?”
“He started calling me Sky from the very beginning. When I first met him, I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to be Skylar anymore back then.”
He momentarily shut his eyes. “Tell me about that…about your time in Maryland.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
Over the next several minutes, I explained as best as I could, how bad my mental state was when I left and how I met Kevin soon after but that it took a while for us to actually get together. He nodded in silence as I recalled the past five years. He clung to each and every word as if he didn’t want to miss any part of it.
When our food arrived, I wanted to lighten the mood. I couldn’t eat unless something changed. “What kinds of foods does Henry like?”
“Unfortunately, he’s very picky. He’ll only eat chicken nuggets, McDonald’s fries and mac and cheese easily. It has to be certain nuggets, too, like the dinosaur ones and only Kraft macaroni. Everything else is a struggle. I make him protein shakes for nutrients, mixing peanut butter and some fruit with almond milk. He’ll drink those, but I can’t get him to pick up a fruit or a vegetable on his own.”
“That’s typical of kids with autism, right? Food texture issues?”
“Yeah. How did you know that?”
“I was looking up autism online after you told me about Henry.”
He stopped chewing and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Wow…that’s…thank you…for doing that.”
“I don’t like being ignorant. I hadn’t thought about autism all that much before and never knew anyone affected by it. But now, I do. So…I want to understand.”
“Thank you.” He smiled at me. “You said something last time about volunteering at the hospital?”
“Yeah. I visit kids who are sick with cancer and try to cheer them up. I’m basically a—”
“Candy striper!” He laughed and pointed at me. “Oh my God. You—Skylar Seymour—have become one of those broads you used to tell me annoyed the crap out of you when you were sick.”
“Yes…yes, except I’m a progressive striper. I’m the cool one. I don’t blow smoke up their asses and try to make them feel like they should be happy when they’re not. I give them what they need and let them know it’s okay to be angry. I spruce up their rooms and bring them stuff they want, like candy cigarettes…”
“You’re giving a kid with cancer cigarettes?”
“Candy cigarettes! One little boy wanted those. So, I got them for him. My job is to do whatever it takes to make them happy. That’s what I’m there for.”
“They’re lucky.”
“Lucky? Not quite…”
“No, I mean…they’re lucky because they have you. Anyone who’s been lucky enough to have you in their lives has been blessed.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I just hope Kevin knows how lucky he is.” He took a sip of his Sprite. He looked hesitant to say something and began playing with his straw before looking up at me. “Are you happy?”
I was silent because I honestly didn’t know how to answer that. Happy wasn’t the right word. Safe, maybe. In some ways, that might have been more important to me after everything I’d been through. With Kevin, I felt secure, albeit not 100-percent fulfilled. With Mitch, I had been truly happy in every way at one time, only to have it all implode.
He continued through my silence. “Look, Skylar, I meant it when I said I respect your situation. I want us to be friends again and won’t try to interfere in your relationship. If you’re genuinely happy, I would never impose on that.”
He looked out the window and seemed to be lost in thought. Silverware clinked all around us while I stared at his reflection and wondered what he was really thinking. Why did it suddenly disappoint me that he wasn’t begging me to break up with Kevin or that he wasn’t trying to fight for me?
Instead of answering his earlier question, I simply said, “I appreciate that.”
Mitch opened one of the ketchup packets and began to squeeze it into his mouth. It was a habit he had since childhood.
“You still do that?”
“Yup,” he said, opening another one.
The image of his mouth sucking hard on the plastic triggered an unintentional flashback of those same lips doing the very same thing when he went down on me. The muscles between my legs contracted as I imagined him doing it to me right then and there, remembering all too clearly how amazing it had felt. Kevin never did it, and I hadn’t missed it…until now.
“Actually, that’s kind of gross,” I said. “Can you stop?”
***
Mitch took the driver’s seat on the way home from Bev’s.
“Did your mom tell you I built an addition on my mother’s house? Well, technically, it’s my house now that she lives with Fred.”
“No. She didn’t.”
My mother, like everyone else, was under strict instructions not to talk about Mitch. So, it was no surprise she hadn’t mentioned it.
“I don’t really see Tish anymore, but I know she must have noticed me working out there from across the street. It was under construction for months. I wasn’t sure if she mentioned it to you.”
“What kind of addition?”
“Well, you know our house doesn’t have much space. So, I wanted a room where Henry could play and run around in the winter. I built one off the side of the living area.”
“That’s so cool that you were able to do that yourself.”
He glanced at me and smiled. “I’ve learned a few things working in construction over the past several years. Would you want to drive by real quick and see it? We’re not far. We won’t go inside. I’ll just show you the exterior.”
“Sure.”
Jitters developed as we drove down my old street and pulled into his driveway. My mother had been to visit Kevin and me since we moved home, but I hadn’t been back here, mainly out of fear of running into Mitch. The lights were off in my mother’s house across the street, and I remembered she had her book club tonight. Mitch came around and opened the passenger door, helping me out of the Corvette.
“We’ll just walk around the side real quick. Then, I’ll take you home.”
I was surprised at how big the new structure looked from the outside. “This must have been a lot of work. That’s no small room.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve got a trampoline in there and a lot of stuff for his therapy when it starts, so we kind of need all of the space.”
“Wow, good job.”
“Thanks. It’s cold. We can get going. I just wanted you to see it.”
Just as we were about to enter the car, a light came on, and the front door opened. Janis came running out. “Mitch, I’m glad you’re home. He’s upstairs. I can’t get him to sleep. He’s—” She stopped talking when she noticed me in the passenger seat and squinted. “Skylar? Is that you?”
She looked like she had seen a ghost.
I waved awkwardly like a teenager sneaking around who just got caught. “Hi, Janis.”
She approached the car. “Hi. I, uh, wasn’t expecting to see you, honey. I…I’m sorry. I thought Mitch was alone. I’ll let you two —”
“Mom, it’s okay. Skylar’s back in town, and we were just meeting up for some dinner to catch up. I wanted to show her the addition from the outside before I drove her home. What’s wrong with Henry?”
“He’s been up. He just won’t stop crying. Something is frustrating him, and he started biting his hand.”
Mitch put his head on the steering wheel. “Shit.” He turned to me. “I better go in real quick, see if I can get him down. Do you mind?”
“Of course, not. I’ll wait here.”
“It’s cold. This could take a little bit. Will you come in?”
“I—”
“Skylar and I will have some tea while you get Henry to sleep,” Janis said, nodding to me in a silent plea to come inside.
“Okay. Sure.”
My heart was beating rapidly, unsure of what to expect. The door creaked as we entered the house. It was dark except for a lamp on in the living room, and the evening news was on low volume. I could immediately hear Henry crying upstairs, and it made my heart beat faster. It sounded like he was jumping on the bed.
Mitch turned around at the bottom of the stairs before heading up. “I’ll be back, okay?”
Janis put her hand on my arm. “Come sit with me.”
As we entered the familiar kitchen with the same wooden chairs and the same flowered seat cushions, I thought about how ironic it was that everything was the same, yet so different.
She turned on the stove and put a pot of water on to heat then sat across from me. “He didn’t tell me he was going to see you. He said he had to meet a friend.”
“Technically, that was the truth.”
“You’re no friend, Skylar. You mean so much more to him, more than you could ever comprehend. You don’t know what things were like here after you left.”
I felt ill-prepared to have this conversation but wanted to know more. I noticed that the crying upstairs had stopped.
“Tell me.”
She leaned in and whispered, “He would kill me if he knew I was saying any of this to you.” She got up to grab the kettle and poured hot water into two mugs. “I was so worried for him after you left. He was drinking all of the time. Then, there was the arrest.”
“Arrest? For what?”
“He was cleared, but I think you should let him tell you that story.”
An image of Mitch behind metal bars appeared in my head. I was silent as she continued.
“He wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t talk to anyone. I was really scared I was going to lose him.” She steeped the tea bag into my mug and handed it to me. “By the time Henry was born, Mitch was still hurting, but he stepped up to the plate and stayed strong for his son. When he finally opened up to me months later, I realized he was more tormented about the fact that he thought he’d hurt you beyond repair than anything else.”
“I was devastated. That was why I left, but I never fully blamed him. It still hurts, but I’m okay. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault but hers.”
“I’m sorry about everything that happened, Skylar. I’m sorry you left, that you were hurt, and I’m most sorry that Tish and I grew apart because of it. I really miss her.”
I reached for her hand across the table. “That makes me more sad than you know.”
She looked down at my ring. “You’re engaged?”
“Yes.”
“Promise me something?”
“Okay…”
“Promise me you won’t lead Mitch on. If you say you’re his friend…be one. Don’t cross the line then leave. He couldn’t handle losing you again. I know my son, and I know how much he still loves you. He never stopped. He may be telling you he’s okay with this friendship thing, but you’re still very much under his skin. I can’t bear to see him hurt again.”
It was a lot to take in. “I won’t hurt him, Janis.”
She took my tea from my hands and placed it on the table. “Go meet my grandson.”
“What?”
“Don’t be scared. He’s a little Mitch. He’s got the same big blue eyes. He can’t speak, but I know he can understand us.”
“She’s really not around at all?”
“No, honey. Were you worried about that? She was never a part of our lives. She calls to check on Henry once in a blue moon, mostly when she knows my son is at work. She doesn’t want to deal with Mitch, and the feeling is mutual. She claims she might be coming in the summer, but who knows? We’re better off without the aggravation. It would only screw up Henry’s routine if she came around.”
“I have recurring dreams about beating the shit out of her.”
“Don’t pay them any mind. She’s not worth any of our time. Go upstairs. See Henry. He might even be sleeping by now.”
I stood up and put the mug on the counter. Tensely gripping the handrail, I slowly walked up the stairs.
The door to Mitch’s bedroom was slightly open, and he was lying on the bed with Henry. There was one night light on. He didn’t see me peeking through the crack of the door and was unaware that I could hear him talking to his son.
“She was everything to me once, like you are now. I want you to meet her. Her name is Skylar. I can’t believe she’s actually here.”
Henry was awake, staring vacantly, humming but non-responsive. That didn’t stop Mitch from talking to him in the same manner he would were he expecting the boy to say something back.
Mitch kissed him on the head. “You feel better now that I’m here, don’t you? I love you, buddy.”
A feeling so intense it was unidentifiable built inside my heart upon seeing Mitch as a father like this. Yet, his situation was different than most. You had to be an extraordinary person to parent a child who needed round the clock care and still demonstrate the patience and love he clearly had for Henry.
I coughed so that he knew I was there.
Mitch sat up. “How long were you standing there?”
“Not long.”
“Come in.” He turned to Henry who was calm but staring into space. “Henry, this is who I was telling you about…Daddy’s special friend. This is Skylar.”
I sat at the edge of the bed. “Hi, Henry. It’s so nice to meet you.”
He said nothing and didn’t look at me. He blinked a few times as he stared at the wall.
“Is he feeling better?”
“Yeah. He’s used to me putting him to bed. So, I think he was just acting up for my mother. As soon as I got up here, he stopped crying. I brought him here to my room in the hopes that if I lay down with him, he’d fall asleep. I’ll transfer him back to his own bed once he’s out, but he’s a little wired from all the jumping.”
I was still looking up at Mitch when I felt Henry reach for my hand. I looked down at his tiny dimpled fingers, which were now gripping my own. My palm was facing up as he began folding my fingers down one by one as if he were counting as he went along. Then, I would open my hand up again and he would repeat it. Even though he wouldn’t look at me, he was looking at my hand.
“Does he do this a lot?” I smiled.
“No. He doesn’t usually touch people like that. He seems to be playing with you, though.”
After a few more rounds of the same pattern of opening and closing in sequence, he stopped and just continued to hold my hand without making eye contact. I could feel Mitch staring at me as I looked down at Henry’s hand in mine. When I got a closer look at the boy’s face, I realized he really was the spitting image of Mitch. There was no physical sign of her. I continued to stare in awe at the beautiful human being I once perceived as the main source of my angst. In reality, he was an angel.
Mitch startled me when he placed his hand over Henry’s and mine. My entire body warmed upon his touch.
“Thank you for coming upstairs to meet him. I didn’t want to pressure you, but I’m really glad you did.”
“He’s beautiful, Mitch.”
“Thank you.”
“And you’re an amazing father.”
He looked down at our hands then up at me. “You have no idea how much that means to hear you say that. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. I just know I was meant to be his father, you know? I don’t regret having him. Hurting you is my only regret.”
“You need your strength for this little boy. I really see that now. Don’t waste your energy worrying about the past. I’m strong. I’m fine. He needs you now.”
“He does need me.” His eyes seemed to be glowing in the darkness as he stared into mine. “But I need you.”
I didn’t know what to say. Despite my declaration of strength, I felt like I wanted to cry…not exactly out of sadness. Out of what, I couldn’t be sure. Henry was now fast asleep. I slipped my hand from beneath Mitch and Henry’s and stood up. “You should take him to his room. I’ll meet you downstairs.”
“I’m sorry. It just came out. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just said what I felt in that moment.”
I turned around in the doorway. “It’s okay. See you down there.”
I went down the stairs as fast as I could to avoid his seeing that I was about to cry.
Janis got up from the table. “Well?”
She could see that my eyes were watering and hugged me.
“He’s so beautiful, Janis. He held my hand and was playing a game with me.”
As my head leaned against her shoulder, the seriousness of this situation really hit me. She was right. I had to make sure I didn’t cross any lines if I wasn’t planning to leave Kevin. This wasn’t a game. Mitch still had strong feelings for me and couldn’t afford to have his heart broken. I couldn’t afford to fall in love with that little boy and hurt both of them if I chose to stay with Kevin.
I wiped my eyes just as I heard footsteps behind me and then Mitch’s deep, smooth voice.
“Apparently, Skylar’s presence did the trick. Henry’s out like a light now. Ready to head back?”
“Yes.” I hugged Janis one last time. “It was so nice to see you again.”
“You, too, honey. Don’t be a stranger.”
***
Mitch was deep in thought the entire car ride home while I kept thinking about Henry.
By the time he pulled into my driveway, the silence had become impossible to take any longer. “Are you okay?”
He rubbed his temples, looking frustrated. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
He suddenly turned to me. “It’s just…not easy.”
“What?”
“You really want to know? I was supposed to be…” He wiggled his fingers into air quotations. “Respecting your situation. It might be better if I just let you go inside because if I start talking right now—”
“What’s not easy?”
I flinched when he reached his hand over to my cheek and rubbed his thumb along my chin. “Pretending that you’re just a friend.”
My heart felt like it was trapped inside my chest along with all the words that wanted to escape held captive by an overwhelming fear of my own emotions.
I’m scared. I want you so badly that it hurts. I’ve never loved you more than I have tonight after seeing you with your son.
He let go of me. “Just go inside, Skylar, before I say or do something I’ll regret tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“Why can’t you answer my question?” he asked, turning his whole body toward me.
“What question?”
“I’ve asked you twice whether you’re happy, and you haven’t given me an answer. It’s what I need to know in order to move on. It’s why I f*cking started stalking you.”
“I guess I’m just not sure how to answer that.”
“That’s a no, then.”
My tone was defensive. “I feel safe with Kevin, okay? He’s never hurt me, and I’m pretty sure he never will.”
He moved away from me. “Unlike me.”
“I didn’t mean that against you. I just—”
“That’s okay. I get it now.”
“No. You don’t.”
“You don’t realize that the words coming out of your mouth don’t match the look in your eyes, Skylar. Your eyes are betraying you and confusing the f*ck out of me. You still look at me the way you always have, like I’m the most important thing in the world to you. As long as you keep doing that—until you tell me to walk away—I’m not sure that I can move on.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t be leading you on. This is all just really confusing.”
“Look…I’m a different person now. I’ve been through a lot. I’m not that boy anymore that was scared to tell you how he felt. I’m a damaged man that feels like he’s been to hell and back with nothing to lose. I want you more in this moment than I’ve ever wanted you. You’re all I want, and I can’t even show you how much. You have no idea the things I’d do to you right now if I could. I can’t even think straight around you. There’s just no one else, Skylar. There hasn’t been anyone else. I haven’t—”
“You haven’t what?”
“This is so f*cked up.” He slammed his head against the steering wheel. “F*ck! I didn’t want to have this conversation tonight.”
“What are you talking about?”
He looked over at me and whispered, “I haven’t been with anyone.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“I mean…I haven’t been…with a woman in over five years.”
“You haven’t had a girlfriend…but certainly you’ve…”
He shook his head. “No. No one. I haven’t touched a woman in five years, Skylar.”
I covered my mouth. “Oh my God.”
“I haven’t wanted any other woman, not even for sex. I’d throw myself into work or my son and just try not to think about you. Now that I’m around you again, it’s like my body’s come alive all of a sudden. I have these urges. I feel out of control, and I don’t know what to do with all of it. The fact that I know you’re off limits makes it even worse. I’m sorry. You said you wanted honesty. Sometimes, the truth is ugly.”
My phone was in the center console when it rang. Mitch looked down at it then handed it to me. “It’s Kevin. You’d better take it.”
He opened the car door and slammed it shut, leaning his back against the window. My heart was breaking because I knew how hard it must have been to admit what he just did. I was still in shock.
I let the phone go to voicemail and then texted Kevin.
I’ll call you back in a few.
I felt guilty, but I couldn’t take the call right now. I exited the car and stood beside him.
Mitch wasn’t looking at me. “What did he have to say?”
“I didn’t take it. I sent him a text that I’d call him back.”
He let out a single laugh that seemed bitter and looked up at the sky. It was a clear night as we stood against his car gazing at the stars.
We said nothing for several minutes until he faced me. “You weren’t the only one who was devastated.” Then, he turned around, got into the car and rolled down the window.
I leaned in. “Where does this leave us?”
He reached out and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. “That’s for you to decide. I guess you need to figure out whether or not you’re happy first, since you don’t seem to know. Here’s a hint: if you happen to see my face the next time he takes you to bed, chances are good, you’re not happy. If I were the one f*cking you, I can guarantee you wouldn’t have to think twice.”
He started the engine and put the car in drive. “Good night, Skylar.”
I stood there dazed and confused. Aroused. “Bye.”
That night, I got under my covers and replayed those words over and over again.
“If I were the one f*cking you…”
My fingers circled my * as I gave myself an intense orgasm while I imagined him doing just that.