Chapter 17
SKYLAR
I held myself in a fetal position after the text came in: I had sex with someone. It was hard digesting those words, but knowing that I had sent him straight into her arms made me want to puke.
This was inevitable, but I didn’t think he would be so cruel as to tell me about it. What did I expect? He must have been enraged when I staged that fake date at Chili’s. That was the intent. I knew Davey went there every Friday night, so I had asked Jason, a friend of Angie’s brother, to have dinner with me and hold my hand so that it would get back to Mitch. I knew the plan had worked when I saw from the corner of my eye that Davey was taking my picture.
The only way Mitch would stay away from me was if he got angry. The one way I knew to do that was to let him see me with another guy. I felt terrible, but what choice did I have? He wasn’t backing down in trying to change my mind, because he loved me. That wasn’t going to change unless I made him hate me. The anger in the tone of that text showed me I’d finally succeeded.
Congratulations, Skylar.
Images of Mitch’s mouth on another woman, his cock inside of her flashed through my brain. I begged my mind to stop, but it only kept getting worse.
What had I done?
Getting out of town before he came home for the summer was more important now than ever. Seeing him would crush me.
***
The summer after my senior year, I took an interior design internship for a private design firm in Manhattan. I was taking a year off before starting college and wanted to understand the ropes of the design industry before making a decision on whether to choose it as a major.
Oliver and Lizete were happy to have me back for a while. This time, I had Seamus with me. It was ironic because Seamus, like Mitch and I, had also become the product of divorced parents in a way, getting shuffled from house to house.
Although being back in Brooklyn reminded me of my cancer days, there was solace in the fact that I wouldn’t have to face Mitch.
I interned three days a week at Harrington Design Studio, which specialized in interior design for high-end clients in Manhattan and the Hamptons. The other two days, I worked at Regal Fabrics, a well-known store in the city that supplied materials to the design studio. My job was to organize their stock by color and texture and also help clients choose a pattern for their needs. My internship manager helped get me the job since she saw what a hard worker I was for no pay.
I had texted Mitch at the beginning of the summer, letting him know what I was up to and where I was working. I figured I at least owed him that much. Even though I was staying away from New Jersey, I didn’t want to be totally cruel and not contact him at all. It turned out he decided to stay in Boston for the summer since he had gotten a job at an on-campus restaurant in the student union building. He made sure to stress in his response that he had no reason to come home anymore.
It never got any easier being apart from him. The thought of him sleeping with other girls still made me ill. I hadn’t told anyone the real reason I ended it with Mitch. I didn’t want to hear my mother or Nina tell me all the reasons I was wrong in thinking that he would leave me someday if I couldn’t bear him a child. This was my own private, selfless decision as far as I was concerned, and I didn’t expect anyone to understand.
Overall, my routine that summer was pretty predictable. Lizete would make me eat some Cuban-style breakfast in the morning before I’d take the subway into the city. I hadn’t made any real friends here, so instead of hanging out in Manhattan after work, I’d just go straight home and read.
All of that changed the day I met Charisma. She looked like the typical wealthy Manhattanite that frequented the fabric store, but she was closer to my age. She had medium-length caramel hair and perfectly manicured nails. She had classic good looks but wouldn’t be considered gorgeous. It was obvious she came from money based on how well she was dressed.
“How can I help you?”
“I’m redecorating my bedroom and looking for a bold, black and white damask with a velvet feel for the drapes.”
“I think I have just the right thing.” I led her upstairs to where the most expensive materials were housed and showed her what I had in mind.
She gasped as she ran her fingers along the textured fabric. “That’s exactly what I was picturing. How did you do that?”
I smiled. “I’ve just gotten to know the store inside out. Do you have measurements?”
“No. I’ll probably have to come back.” She gave me her hand. “I’m Charisma, by the way.”
“Skylar.”
“Skylar. That’s a pretty name.”
“So is Charisma,” I said as I returned the roll of fabric to the shelf.
She leaned her head to the side. “Are you from around here?”
“I live in Brooklyn with my father. I’m just here for the summer.”
Looking me up and down, she asked, “Do you mind my saying something?”
“Sure.”
“You’re such a pretty girl, like a blank slate. You could be stunning if you wore a little makeup and dressed up a bit. I love to make people over. It’s sort of my hobby. Let me know if you’d be interested.”
“What are you with some kind of ambush makeover show?”
“No. I swear. I just think it would be fun. I guess I have too much time on my hands.”
“Apparently.”
“Where do you go to school?”
“I just graduated high school. I’m taking a year off and thinking of applying at the end of this year, probably majoring in interior design. You?”
“I go to Wellesley. I’ll be a junior.”
“Wow.”
We walked downstairs, and she rummaged through her Coach bag for her phone.
“What do you do for fun, Skylar?”
“I dunno…read? My life is pretty boring.”
“You’re kidding, right? You’re in the city of dreams for the summer, and you’re spending your time stuck in a book? We need to change that. You’re too young to live like a hermit. What’s your number?”
She jotted it down in her phone as I recited it.
“What do you suggest I do for fun?”
“You can start by letting me make you over, and then we’ll go out. There are some cool 18 and over clubs downtown. How about this Friday night?”
“Um…not sure if I want to be your pet project.”
“I won’t take no for an answer.”
I shrugged. “Okay. I work here until eight on Fridays.”
What did I have to lose?
She clapped giddily. “Yay!”
“What do I wear?”
“Don’t worry about that. I have tons of clothes at my apartment. I’ll bring the measurements for the drapes and pick you up.”
“Okay, see you at eight on Friday.”
What the hell just happened?
***
God, I loved being drunk.
Charisma turned out to be a bad influence in more ways than one. At the time, though, I thought meeting her was the best thing to ever happen to me because it had gotten me out of my funk.
We started hanging out a few times a week. Her family’s apartment wasn’t too far from the fabric store, so I would walk over after work and sometimes spend the night. The doorman got to know me and would let me go right up. Her parents were vacationing in Fiji that summer, so she had the whole place to herself. The décor was modern, lots of white with sleek geometric furniture.
There was a small bar in the corner of the living room, and Charisma would make me whatever mixed drink I wanted. SoCo and Sours and Cosmos were my favorites.
For the first time in my life, I actually understood the hype. Getting hammered helped to momentarily ease the pain. Nothing else had been able to do that. With each drink, the bad stuff faded away, replaced by a euphoric fogginess. While blissfully intoxicated, I’d also tell Charisma all of my secrets, including the real reason I had broken up with Mitch. She wasn’t able to provide much insight, but it was good therapy just to get it all off my chest to someone impartial.
She introduced me to some of the friends she grew up with, and they’d often join us for our cocktail hours. Also in the group was Charisma’s cousin, Chad. He was tall, blonde, preppy and had teeth that shined like the top of the Chrysler building. He was home from Harvard for the summer.
Whether it was the way he looked at me or the subtle brushing of his hand on my knee, Chad always made it clear he was interested. Charisma had been trying to get me to give him a chance. He was attractive and nice enough, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to date. She told me he never had serious girlfriends, so I knew that meant he just wanted to “hook up.”
A part of me knew it was time to lose my virginity. I was the last person I knew who was still a virgin. A bigger part felt a deep sadness at the thought since my first time was always supposed to belong to Mitch. He was truly the only guy I wanted, and if I was going to lose my virginity now, it probably didn’t even matter whom it was with; all other guys were interchangeable.
Charisma was pouring Midori into the glass for my drink. “You need a good f*ck to get you over that Mitch dude, Skylar.”
Tonight, we were scheduled to go to Club Nicole downtown with Chad and a few girls in Charisma’s circle.
Chad walked in with his usual fitted sweater smelling like the woodsy cologne he always wore. “Skylar, I wanna see how you dance tonight.”
I was already starting to get buzzed. “A few more of these, and you might just get your wish, Harvard punk.”
Charisma handed me another drink. “Doesn’t Skylar look pretty tonight?”
“She always looks pretty. In fact, pretty isn’t a strong enough word for her.”
Charisma winked at me. “Should I be leaving the room now?”
I said nothing and continued to sip my drink. She was totally pushing the Chad thing. Maybe I’d give him a chance.
***
After a long wait in line in front of the club, a large bouncer that looked like the Rock let us in. Chad clasped hands with him, confirming my suspicions that despite his Ivy League status, he was also a well-known party boy. I let out a sigh of relief because it was the first time we’d successfully used the fake i.d.s that Charisma scored downtown.
The humidity outside was replaced by a blast of cold air-conditioning that made my nipples harden. My ears felt like they were going to explode from the loud techno music.
Chad disappeared then returned with a beer for him and a Tom Collins for me. There were girls dancing in cages, and people would dance around them on the sides of these raised platforms. I downed my drink and suddenly felt like I wanted to join them. As if on cue, Charisma pulled me up there, and the two of us, drunk off our asses, started to grind on each other. We caught the attention of a group of men dancing nearby. I normally wouldn’t have been caught dead dancing around a cage with some random guy rubbing his balls up against me. At the time, though, and under the influence, it felt totally normal.
Chad whistled at us. When the music switched, he gave me his hand and helped me down.
“That was fun!” Charisma said as she danced away through the artificial smoke toward the bar where the other girls were waiting.
Chad’s breath was warm and smelled like beer when he spoke into my ear. “You wanna go upstairs?”
“What’s upstairs?”
“It’s the VIP area.”
I looked up at the balcony, and it seemed dark with a hint of purple lighting. I could only make out shadows of movement up there.
“Sure,” I said, suddenly feeling anxious.
“Let’s get another round before we go,” he said.
Chad returned with our drinks and reached out his hand for me to follow him up the black-carpeted stairs. The music became more distant with each step. A guard stood at the top. “Hello, Mr. Carter.”
“Hey, Hollis.”
“Why did he call you, Mr. Carter?” I asked as we sat down on one of the purple velour couches.
He smirked. “Because my parents own this club.”
“What?”
“My family actually owns three of the nightclubs on this street.”
I knew he was loaded but Jeez…
“Wow. That’s really cool.”
“I think so.” He took my drink and placed it on a table. “See that door back there?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a private room. The walls and floor are made of glass that overlooks the dance floor downstairs, but nobody can see up into it.” He lowered his voice. “We can do whatever we want on top of everyone, and no one will know. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
I thought about it for a good thirty seconds because I knew what he was really asking me. “Sure.” Even in my drunken state, I was fully aware of what was about to happen. The hairs on my arms stiffened as he took my hand.
Inside the room, the sound of the music seemed distant, but the beat of the bass was more pronounced.
He shut the door, and I heard the lock click. My heart started to pound as he said, “Stand in front of the wall. Enjoy the view.” He came up from behind me and kissed my neck. “I’m enjoying this view.” He ran his fingertips down my arm. “You have an incredible body. Have you ever been a dancer?”
I stiffened and shook my head. “No.”
The contact felt good, but not in a comfortable way. My body responded, but this felt foreign, not like it had been with Mitch. My heart and mind weren’t in it. Nerves replaced the intense passion I always experienced before. Still, I needed to grow up and wasn’t going to resist anything if he tried. I needed this. Mitch was moving on, and I needed to see if another guy could help me to do the same.
The beat of the music vibrated through my tense body as Chad continued to kiss my neck then began to suck on it.
“I’m gonna make you so feel good, Skylar. I’ve wanted you for so long.”
I closed my eyes, trying to push away my conscience as Chad slowly unzipped my dress and let it fall to the floor. He turned me around and plastered my body against the glass wall.
“Are you sure they can’t see?”
“It’s one-sided. Don’t worry.”
I focused on a black chrome chandelier dripping with crystals as he slowly pulled down my underwear.
There’s still time to change your mind.
“I bet you’ve never done it like this before…on top of hundreds of people.”
Should I tell him I’m a virgin?
“Definitely not. Not…like this.”
He unhooked my bra and began sucking on my breasts. Everything was happening so fast, but in a way, that was how I wanted it. I didn’t want to feel it. I just wanted it over with as if my virginity were the last piece of Mitch I needed to let go of in order to move on.
I closed my eyes again and heard the zipper lower on his pants.
He stopped kissing me. When I opened my eyes, he reached into his back pocket. The condom wrapper crinkled as he ripped it open with his teeth. I looked down and watched as he slipped it on then squeezed the tip. I couldn’t help but notice how much smaller he was than Mitch.
Chad didn’t waste any time. Within seconds, he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around him. I immediately felt the burn as he tried to enter me while Lady Gaga’s Do What You Want played on the lower level.
How ironic.
“Ow. Slow down,” I said.
“I’m hurting you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…sorry, baby.”
Don’t call me baby.
I inhaled slowly and decided I was going to do whatever it took to withstand the pain. When he pushed inside me again, I whimpered but breathed though it as my back hit the wall.
“You’re so tight,” he said as his dick thrust harder again into my burning vagina.
I was pretty sure he mistook my heavy breathing for a good thing as he continued to f*ck me slowly. When he gradually broke through my hymen, he began to pound into me faster.
As the pain between my legs subsided a little, the realization of what was happening started to sink in. My eyes were closed, and all I could see was Mitch’s face. The burning between my legs paled in comparison to the image of his blue eyes burning into my soul in that moment. It should have been him. Tears came pouring out of my eyes as Chad’s movements became more pronounced. A few minutes later, he said, “I’m about to come.”
I sniffled and lied. “Me, too.”
As he moaned, I tightened my eyes to rid them of the tears.
When the movements stopped, he slowly pulled out of me and looked down. “F*ck.”
“What?”
“There’s blood everywhere.”
When I lowered my head, I saw red all over his khaki pants, and it was also running down my leg.”
“Shit. Is that your period?”
I covered my mouth unable to fight my tears and shook my head.
He ran his hand through his hair. “You…don’t tell me you were a virgin?”
My voice trembled. “Yes.”
He seemed angry, like I had tricked him somehow. “Shit. I wouldn’t have done this if I knew that. How the f*ck am I supposed to go out there covered in blood?”
My own blood was boiling at the insensitive audacity of his question. “I don’t know…I—”
He left the room abruptly then came back with a small white towel from the bar, and I used it to wipe my leg down.
He grabbed my hand. “Come on. Let’s sneak out the side door.” He practically dragged me downstairs and out the side entrance into an abandoned alley. Through the night fog, we walked in silence on gravel to the street where he hailed a cab.
Chad said nothing to me on the ride back to Charisma’s apartment. I stared vacantly out the window, still shell-shocked at his Jekyll and Hyde behavior.
When the vehicle stopped, he walked me to the front door and hugged me awkwardly before getting back in the cab, which sped off.
I was speechless, feeling empty. Used.
The doorman let me in, and I took the elevator up in a daze, still feeling like a fire had been put out in my vagina. Once upstairs, I realized Charisma was still at the club. All of my stuff was locked inside her apartment because I was spending the night.
I banged the back of my head against her locked door and slid my body down to rest on the floor of the hallway. I took out my phone and sifted through to the pictures of Mitch and me from Lake George. This was the first time I had allowed myself to look at one single photo of him since I wrote that dreaded email. Seeing his face and the eyes that always reflected a love for me within them made me yearn for him. I clutched the phone to my heart and cried. What happened with Chad did nothing to help me move past my feelings. If anything, it reiterated how indestructible my love for Mitch was. Being with another man had only made me long for him more.
An hour later, the elevator doors slid open, and Charisma came from around the corner. “Hey, girl. What happened? I thought you were with Chad.”
I was still on the ground. “Yeah…about that. Your cousin’s an a*shole.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
She opened the apartment door. “You want a drink?”
“No…please. That’s how I got into trouble tonight in the first place. I’m done with the drinking. And as for your cousin—if you really want to know—he took off in a cab with my virginity after kicking me to the curb. Apparently, you don’t need a soul to get into Harvard.”
That summer with Charisma was a learning experience. Between losing my virginity and discovering that alcohol was not my friend, I also realized that it was impossible to move on without your heart. Mitch was my heart. My feelings would all come to a head at Jake and Nina’s engagement party.
***
The following November, Jake and Nina had finally set a date for their long-awaited wedding. They had gotten engaged after A.J. was born, but finances were tight, so they waited a couple of years to make wedding plans.
As Nina’s maid of honor, I had to travel to Boston to be there for the celebration held at a fancy Italian restaurant in the city’s North End. Jake’s sister, Allison and her husband, Cedric paid for the party held in a private room with a small dance floor.
The spread included a buffet of things like antipasto, penne with pesto and rack of lamb. For dessert there were cannoli and Italian rum cake brought in from a pastry shop down the street.
The DJ played lots of Big band and mellow songs from artists like Tony Bennett and Michael Buble. The ceilings were adorned with shrimp-colored paper lanterns, and the long table was decorated with white hydrangeas surrounded by tea light candles floating in water.
Jake was wearing a black dress shirt rolled up at the sleeves that showcased his tattoos while Nina donned a simple black and white dress. Jake fed Nina an Italian cookie as A.J. sat in between them.
Even though I was so happy for them, the mood here made my heart feel heavy. It had been over a year now since I’d broken up with Mitch, and every day was harder than the last. I would always wonder what he was doing, whether he was happy or if today were the day he would meet someone he’d fall in love with. Tonight was especially hard because I was in his city, so close yet so far away.
The DJ called Jake and Nina up to dance to Frank Sinatra’s The Way You Look Tonight. Something about that song always gave me the chills. It was so beautiful. I focused on the way Jake was looking at Nina when they were dancing, how they would whisper things to one another. In that moment, they were essentially all that existed to each other despite the room full of people. The look in Jake’s eyes was a familiar one; it was the same look Mitch used to give me.
As the song played, my entire relationship with Mitch flashed before my eyes: our basketball games as kids, the kiss at the carnival, his kissing my bald head, our night in Lake George. An intolerable ache built inside my chest. Just as the music changed to something fast-paced, I ran out of the reception room before anyone noticed me bawling.
I ended up in the crowded restaurant dining room and climbed a set of stairs that led up to an empty rooftop patio. A blast of wind blew my dress Marilyn Monroe-style as I opened the door. Even though it was a chilly night, the starry-sky was breathtaking. It felt like I could feel a hole in my chest as I began to cry harder.
Then, the door burst open. “Skylar? What the hell are you doing up here?”
A plane flew overhead as he walked toward me.
“Jake….” I tried to compose myself. “I just needed some air.”
“Bullshit. I saw you leaving in tears.”
“You should go back to your party.”
“The chicken dance can wait.” Jake pulled two chairs off a stack that were lined up on top of each other. “Sit.” When I sat down, he said, “Now talk.”
“You know I broke up with Mitch…”
“How could I forget? He came by my house after you dumped him, you know.”
“He did?”
“Yup…wanted to know if Nina knew anything, wanted my advice. Neither of us knew what to say. I just gave him beer, let him get drunk and drove him home.”
“When you and Nina were dancing to that song…it just reminded me of him.”
“Hold up. If you’re so sad about him, why did you end it? No one seems to know.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.”
“Before A.J. was born, if you found out Nina couldn’t have babies, would you have been able to stay with her for the long haul?”
Jake paused, blinking his eyes repeatedly as he put two and two together.
“Without a doubt…yes. Nina’s my baby. She means more to me than anything in the world. We happened to get lucky practically on the first shot, but if she weren’t able to give me a child, yes, it would have been a disappointment but only because I couldn’t have a part of her and a part of me. I wouldn’t want that with any other woman. Any guy that truly loves you would feel the same.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “You never told Nina, did you?”
“No.”
“This is all starting to make sense now. You thought you were doing him a favor by letting him go before he had a chance to leave you later.”
I wiped my eyes. “Yeah.”
“If he truly loves you the way he says he does, you’re wrong, Skylar. When I was going through a rough time, a wise girl once told me that life was short and that I would regret it if I let Nina go so easily. This was the same chick who nearly knocked my teeth out. Have you seen this girl? She was badass. She needs to take her own advice right about now.”
I started to laugh a little through my tears, remembering that day. “I’m just scared.”
“That’s how you really know you love the dude. Love can’t exist without fear. If the thought of losing someone doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then it’s not love.”
My heart beat faster as I realized what I was about to do. “Can you tell Nina, I’m so sorry, but I have to leave?”