My Skylar

Chapter 10
MITCH
There are some moments in life that you just know you will never be able to erase from memory no matter how hard you try.
The moment that the girl that meant more to me than anything uttered those three words was one of them.
At first, it just didn’t compute. My nerves were still reeling from building up the courage to tell her I wanted to be more than friends. I had been practicing what I would say for days and was planning to talk to her later tonight.
So, this was an absolute shock.
When I didn’t respond, she lowered her voice and repeated, “I have cancer, Mitch.”
My hands were on her shoulders and started to shake, my body unsure of how to react. “What do you mean? I mean…how…how did this happen?”
“You know I hadn’t been feeling well…”
“Yeah…but that was weeks ago. You went to the doctor. You were feeling better.”
She briefly closed her eyes then looked up at me. “I did, but I never told you what happened because I didn’t want to scare you until I knew what I was facing. When he examined me, he found a lump in my neck and asked me how long I’d had it. I told him it had been there for a while. I never thought anything of it because it wasn’t painful. He checked the rest of my body and found another one in my groin area. He told me not to worry but that he would be ordering some blood tests just to be sure everything was okay.” She looked down, and tears returned to her eyes. “I hadn’t even taken my mother with me that day.”
My stomach began to turn, made worse by the smell of greasy popcorn, and I felt something sour rising in my throat.
You will not do this. You will be strong for her if it’s the last thing you do.
I wiped her eyes with my fingertips. “Take your time, but I need you to tell me everything.”
She nodded through her tears and sniffled. “The blood test came back abnormal, so I had to go back for an MRI.”
I breathed in and out, gearing up for what she would say next and took her hands, wrapping her fingers in mine. They were freezing. “Okay…”
“The images also showed abnormalities. I didn’t tell you, but instead of going to my Dad’s that one weekend, I had minor surgery to remove parts of the lymph nodes, so they could test them.”
The thought of anything cutting into her made me cringe. “And?”
“They found abnormal cells in them.”
My heart was beating faster than I could ever remember. My body tensed and felt like it was shutting down and gearing up for war at the same time. “They’re sure…that means it’s cancer?”
“They told me I have Hodgkins Lymphoma.”
As soon as she said it, the door to a nearby theater burst open and loud, laughing people came flooding out. I wanted to kill each and every one of them. She was still talking, but my ears were throbbing, and it felt like she was far away even though her hands were still in mine.
“Stage three…”
“They said I have to have chemo and maybe radiation…”
“I’m going to lose my hair, Mitch. I’m so scared.”
My head felt like it was going to explode, and my heart was slamming against my chest. I needed air.
“We need to get out of here.” I led her out of the theater into the parking lot. It was freezing out, and I could see my breath. I suddenly stopped walking, turned to her and frantically fastened each button of her coat. “It’s cold.”
She must have seen that I was losing it. She clasped my hands to stop me from fumbling for more buttons when there weren’t any left. “Mitch?”
I looked into her eyes, shook my head in disbelief then pulled her into me, holding onto her for dear life. We stayed there in the middle of the parking lot for minutes on end. My nose was in her hair, smelling every inch of it, thinking about what she had told me, that she was going to lose all of it. This didn’t seem real. My eyes started to sting.
You will not cry. She’s fine. She’s in your arms.
It felt like a dream I couldn’t wake up from.
When we returned to the car, we sat and let it idle with the heat on. A Great Big World’s Say Something came on the radio. That song is depressing under normal circumstances, and I couldn’t bear to hear it, so I shut it off.
I stared blankly at a swarm of people who just converged upon the parking lot, their distant laughter piercing me like a knife. Her hand was in mine, and I rubbed over it gently with my thumb. A million thoughts went through my head, but they all led to the same conclusion: I had to be strong for her. I had to take care of her.
Skylar broke my trance. “There’s one more thing.”
My body tensed. What else could there possibly be?
She continued, “My parents discussed it, and they decided that it’s best if I get treated in New York. My mother would lose her job if she had to take me to appointments and everything here. She can’t afford that, and we would lose the house. Because Oliver works from home and makes his own hours, they think it’s better if I live with him and Lizete. He’ll take care of me while I’m undergoing chemo. Mom will come out every weekend.”
“That’s three hours away.”
“I know, but it’s the only way that makes sense.”
My eyeballs moved from side to side trying to think of a solution, anything that could stop her from leaving. “Stay here. I’ll take you to your appointments. I’ll take care of you.”
“How can you do that with school?”
“I’ll f*cking drop out. Nothing is more important than you.”
“I would never let you do that. Never. That’s not an option. I wouldn’t be able to live with that guilt.”
I wouldn’t be able to live without…you.
“Well, thinking about you going through all that so far away from me where I can’t be there for you…is not an option for me.”
“It’ll be okay. This isn’t up for negotiation. It has to be this way.”
Her body shook from the cold, so I blasted the heat.
The reality of the fact that I wouldn’t be able to stop her from leaving set in. “I’m coming to Brooklyn every weekend, then. When does it all start?”
“A week from tomorrow.”
No.
***
The drive home was a blur. I barely remembered walking Skylar from the car to her house or what we said to each other before I ended up standing alone in the middle of our quiet street. It was freezing, and my toes felt numb from the hard snow crunching under my feet.
Lacking even the energy to open my front door, I looked up at the dark sky with an anger I’d never experienced before, wondering how God could have allowed this to happen to her.
I willed the frigid air to take the pain away. Please.
When I finally walked into the house, my mother immediately lowered the volume on the evening news, the look of concern on her face revealing that she knew exactly what had happened tonight.
I was too exhausted to speak any louder than a whisper. “You knew?”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes but didn’t say anything.
I repeated, “Mom? You knew about this?”
“Only for a couple of days. She wanted to tell you herself, Mitch. She had every right to do that.”
It felt like my head was burning up. Suddenly, I screamed at the top of my lungs. “How the f*ck could you keep this from me?”
“I’m sorry. I promised Tish!”
I’d never spoken like that to my mother before and immediately regretted it. “I need to be alone.” I stormed past her, and she pretended not to notice as I opened the liquor cabinet and took a small bottle of vodka to my room.
It was going to be a long road ahead, and alcohol wouldn’t solve it, but for one night, I just needed to forget.
***
The next morning, I forced myself out of bed with a massive hangover and vowed to make every single minute of this week count. I wanted to take her to all her favorite places like the Cheesecake Factory and the butterfly museum. She refused all of it, saying she wanted to just spend time hanging out at home with me.
Two of the days, Davey and Angie joined us for dinner at Skylar’s house. Our moms cooked up all of her favorites: homemade pizza, sloppy joes and fettuccini Alfredo. It was like a party every night, but Skylar barely touched any of the food.
We were all putting on a brave face, trying to act as normal as possible: Davey with his crude jokes and Angie taking photos.
On the final night before Skylar had to leave, Angie was being particularly annoying with the camera, telling us to pose, which she normally didn’t do. I had pulled her aside and asked as politely as possible if she could lay off the clicking for one night. She told me Skylar had specifically requested she bring the camera tonight and take pictures of all of us, particularly of her and me. That was unlike Skylar to want her picture taken.
For the rest of that evening, I kept obsessing about what Angie told me until I came to a conclusion that I just couldn’t accept: Skylar wanted her picture taken because she thought there was a chance she wouldn’t be coming back.
My chest tightened in agony, and I filled with a silent rage, having to excuse myself to the bathroom. She couldn’t possibly make it through the next few months if that was what she was thinking. I needed to talk to her.
At one point, she said she had to go upstairs to get something. When she didn’t come back down right away, I followed her.
She jumped when I startled her as I entered the bedroom. My heart fell when I noticed tears in her eyes. She had come up here to cry alone.
I ran over to the bed and held her in my arms. My eyes were watering, but I fought like hell to keep the tears from falling.
Do your job, Mitch. Be her rock.
“Listen to me, Skylar. You need to keep your head up no matter how hard it gets. There’s power in positive thinking. If the two of us do it, that’s double the power. You have to believe that everything is going to be okay. I mean, you have to truly believe it, and it will happen.”
She wiped her red eyes on my shirt. “What if you’re wrong? What if I never come home?”
“Questions that begin with ‘what if’ are based on fear, nothing else. You’re scared, but you have to have faith that God won’t let that happen.”
“How do you know there’s a God?”
I knew how I wanted to answer that but stopped to think about the best way to explain it to her. “Because once, when I was a little boy, I felt hopeless, like my world was ending. I prayed hard one night and asked him to send me a sign that he was listening.”
“What happened?”
“The very next day, I met you for the first time.”
I knew she could see the tears now burning my eyes, but I still wouldn’t let them fall. She gave me a chaste kiss on the lips and said, “And he sent you to me.”
I grabbed her face. “He can’t take you away from me because our story’s not finished.”
She put her forehead on mine. “To be continued.”
“To be continued,” I said over her lips.
“Can you do me a favor?” she asked.
“Anything.”
“Can you tell Davey and Angie I’m very sorry but that I just want to be alone for the rest of the night?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then, when they’re gone, come back. Spend the night with me.”
I looked at her in disbelief. “What?”
“Not like that. I just want you to sleep next to me tonight. I don’t want to be alone. Please.”
“Of course, I will. My mother would be okay with it, I think, but I don’t see Tish allowing it.”
“I’ll talk to her. After they leave, just go home, get your pajamas and come back.”
I ran my hand through her hair, tucking some strands behind her ear. “Okay.”
***
When I returned to Skylar’s that night, Tish let me in. She was normally extremely strict and would have never allowed me to sleep in her daughter’s room under any other circumstances. So, I had to make sure Skylar had cleared it with her. “Are you sure this is okay?”
She took a sip of her wine and nodded. “I trust you.”
My chest tightened, unsure I could even trust myself 100-percent. “Thank you.”
Before I turned to go upstairs, for the first time, Tish cried in front of me. “I’ve tried everything, Mitch, tried everything to make her smile this week, to keep her hopes up. All she wants is you. She needs to feel safe tonight. I know you need that, too. This has been tough for you, too. That being said, I know you won’t do anything stupid.” I couldn’t tell if it was a statement or a warning.
With that, she watched me walk up to her daughter’s room, trusting that I wouldn’t take advantage of the rare opportunity gifted to us.
There was one small lamp on, and Skylar had been reading a book. Except for a poster on her closet door of one of those stupid boy bands that was a few years old, her room wasn’t girly at all. It was mostly gray and white, no muss, no fuss and classy just like she was.
She placed her book on the nightstand when she noticed me. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I walked toward the bed unsure whether I was supposed to just plant myself under the covers. I decided to hold my horses and sat at the edge. She was wearing a pink, cotton sleep shirt.
She grinned. “I told you this would be okay.”
“I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting your mother to go for this.”
“You’d be surprised what you can get away with when you have cancer.”
She was being funny, but anytime the C word was spoken aloud, I felt sick.
I tried to make a joke. “Wanna go rob a Dairy Queen, then?”
She laughed. “I like your pajamas.”
I had worn plaid, flannel bottoms and a t-shirt that Davey gave me for Christmas last year that said, Tell Your Boobs To Stop Staring at My Eyes. I suppose it would have been funnier if I weren’t actually trying to figure out whether or not she was wearing a bra. I scolded myself for even thinking about that at a time like this, but I couldn’t help it. She looked so beautiful.
I hadn’t moved from my spot. “It feels weird being able to sleep here. I almost don’t even know what to do with myself.”
“You can start by getting under the covers with me.” She pulled her blankets off, and I crawled in next to her, resting my head on her shoulder. She smelled like shampoo and freshly-showered skin. There was no place in the world I’d have rather been.
“This feels nice,” I said into the crook of her arm. “What were you reading?”
She giggled. “Just trying to get my mind off of things. You don’t really want to know.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Trust me…you don’t.”
“Now, I really want to know.”
“Okay, then.” She reached over to her nightstand and handed me a paperback that had a shirtless guy on the cover. There was a blindfolded woman wrapped around his torso.
Well, shit.
“Skylar Seymour…does your mother know you read this stuff?”
She grinned impishly. “I stole it from her room.”
“You’re a bad girl. It says right here on the back that it’s not suitable for people under the age of 18.”
She snatched it from me. “I’m almost 16, same difference.”
“Not exactly, but I won’t tell. Actually, I kind of like it.”
“Like you don’t have stuff that’s worse than this lying around?”
“No comment.”
“That’s what I thought.”
We both laughed then fell into a comfortable silence before she abruptly shut the lamp off and lay down on her left side, facing away from me.
I turned in her direction and wrapped her in my arms, breathing against her back. I was tense, afraid of getting a hard-on, which I knew was inevitable. My heart started to race, filled with so many emotions. Going against my own advice to her, I became filled with worry, scared for tomorrow, albeit immeasurably grateful for tonight. On top of all those emotions, my cock twitched, which really couldn’t be helped as long as her body was against mine.
After a few minutes, she turned around, and our faces were just inches apart. “I could feel your heartbeat. What were you thinking about?” she whispered.
“Don’t you always know what I’m thinking?”
She tapped my head. “There’s too much going on in there tonight to figure it out. My signals are crossed.” She put my hand over her chest. “Feel mine.”
Her heart was beating just as fast. When she slid my hand off, it brushed along her soft breast. I knew now that she definitely didn’t wear a bra to sleep, and my dick rose to confirm it.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I am, now that you’re here.”
Hearing her say that made my stomach unsettled because I knew that tomorrow, I wouldn’t be. “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head.”
She took a deep breath. “It changes by the minute, but right now, it’s that I just wish I knew what to expect with the chemo. The doctor says everyone takes to it differently. I could get really sick, or I could be just fine. There is no way to know.”
“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. I know you’ll be able to handle it even if it’s not easy. Anytime you can’t, if I’m not there, I want you to pick up the phone, and I’ll stay on with you for as long as you need me to. Promise me that you’ll call me anytime you need me, day or night.”
She was still lost in thought when she said, “Okay.”
I was trying to be strong, but deep down, I was scared shitless.
Aside from the occasional sound of a car passing by, the room was completely quiet. We continued to face each other. I wanted to kiss her so badly but didn’t know where that would lead. She wasn’t wearing a bra or pants under her long shirt. I knew if I started something, I wouldn’t be able to stop. Tish had said she trusted me, and I couldn’t betray that. Not to mention, now would not be the time to push things with Skylar.
She ran her fingers through my hair. “I’m sorry that I ruined what could have been such a special moment.”
I brushed my hand against her cheek. “What are you talking about?”
“The night I told you I had cancer. You were opening up to me. You told me you wanted to take the next step.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m not going anywhere. As soon as you make it through this, we can pick up where we left off.” When her worried eyes trailed downward, I pulled her face toward me. “Look at me. I’m not going anywhere, Skylar.”
“What are we anyway, Mitch? You’re not my boyfriend. I call you my friend, but it feels like so much more. What’s the definition? And with what’s about to happen to me, what can I possibly be to you now?”
There was only one answer that made the most sense to me. “Everything. You’re…everything to me.”
Instead of responding, she turned back around facing away and backed into me to spoon her. This time, I allowed myself to fully relax. Unfortunately, with her ass up against me, that meant my dick grew to full attention. I gently brushed my thumb along her side. Being with her like this, was the most intimate thing I had ever done with anyone. Sure, I’d been with girls, but all of it paled in comparison to this moment, just holding Skylar, drowning out the world.
The only thing I knew for sure in life was that I loved this girl, but I couldn’t tell her now. She would think it was only because she had cancer when the truth was I’d been in love with her for almost the entire time I’d known her. I couldn’t let her believe I was only saying it now out of fear.
My hand ran down the length of her torso. Realization came in waves, and when it hit me this time, it was like a ton of bricks: there was a cancer growing inside of this little, perfect body, a cancer that if left untreated, was a ticking time bomb that would likely kill her.
I grabbed a hold of her tighter and felt tears sting my eyes. Please stop. There was nowhere I could run if I started to lose it.
Then, I heard her voice so low it was almost inaudible. “It’s okay to cry.”
I shut my eyes, willing the tears away, but she knew. She could feel it.
“I’m not crying,” I said as the first teardrop fell.
She turned around. “Yeah, and you’re not hard, either.”
We both burst into laughter with tears pouring from our eyes.
Skylar fell asleep in my arms about fifteen minutes later.
I didn’t sleep at all that night. I chose to stay up and listen to the sound of her breathing instead, each breath reassurance that she was still here, that everything was going to be fine.
It had to be.
I watched the sun begin to rise on a day I wished would never come. Then, for the first time since the little girl in braids came into my life, I prayed to a God I hoped was still listening.