CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I don’t know what possessed me. I’d later play victim to ending the tension, for having to do the inevitable. For what had to happen. What I had wanted to happen for quite a long time.
But whatever the reason, I leaned into Dex. I grabbed the sides of his head with both of my hands, his hair slightly slippery from the snow and hair gel, and I pulled his face down to mine. I placed my lips flush on his and kissed him sweetly at first, not caring if he returned the favor. Then, when his lips parted slightly, I teased the inside of them lightly with my tongue. He let out a breath of hot air, maybe from surprise, and I pulled back. I kept my hands on his head and tried to catch my own breath before I got carried away.
We looked at each other, both of us a bit in shock, him more than I. There was only a split-second pause before Dex grunted, “Oh, f*ck it.”
Then I was in his arms. He lifted me up and twirled me around on the spot, placing me up against the cold brick wall. I wrapped my legs around him, hooking them at the ankles behind his ass. I was vaguely aware that I wasn’t wearing underwear.
He kept one hand around my waist, propping me up, while the other was working its way to the side of my head, disappearing into my hair. He was breathing heavily and staring at my lips. The look in his eyes was utter madness.
“The things I want to do to you…” he whispered roughly.
I took my hand behind his head and brought his ear down to my mouth.
“Do them,” I breathed back, and licked the rim of his ear. He let out a small moan and suddenly his lips were on mine. The sweet business was out of the way. His tongue was rampant and skilled and darted feverishly in and out of my mouth, leaving me panting and needing more, as if I couldn’t be sustained by him. Then his mouth met my neck and started doing the same there, causing the heat to flare up between my legs. I knew we were in public, making out on the side of the road, but I was so close to just hiking my dress up and undoing the fly on his pants.
One of his hands made its way underneath my ass and started feeling up the back of my bare thighs, slowly searching underneath. There was a slight hesitation when he realized I was going commando and another small moan came out from his lips.
“Perry!”
Rebecca’s English accent came through the air, knocking a scary sense of reality into me.
“Perry?” it called again.
Dex and I took our mouths off each other and stared into each other’s eyes, bewildered yet enraptured by what had just happened. I quickly unhooked my legs and he placed me gently on the ground, just as Rebecca came around the corner.
She stopped and looked at us, taken aback and trying not to smile. Though we weren’t in an embrace, Dex had both arms on either side of me, propped up against the wall. Both of us looked disheveled with messy hair, and Dex’s white shirt was half-pulled out from where I must have grabbed at it.
We both stared at her, chests heaving, breathing hard, our breath meeting together in the frigid air.
“Uh, we’re just getting the cab now for us,” she said slowly. “Perry, you want to come and get your coat and purse?”
The way she said it, it wasn’t a question but a command. She jerked her head toward the building and then walked back around the corner. I looked at Dex quickly, pulled his jacket off and handed it to him and then followed her. He reached out for my hand but let go as I kept moving.
I rounded the corner, smoothing out my dress and patting down the back of my head. I was shaking all over, a combination of the cold and the passion.
Rebecca was by the door, giving me a sympathetic look.
“Perry,” she said in a tone I didn’t like.
“Save it,” I said to her and kept walking into the building. The warm air felt heavenly on my gooseflesh.
“All right,” she conceded, following me as I walked through the restaurant. Though it wasn’t true, I felt like everyone had known what I was doing out there.
We entered the party and I saw that the festivities were still in full swing. I turned at looked at her.
“Why are we leaving already?” I asked.
“I think you and Dex need some time to be alone,” she said breezily and walked past me to the table where Emily was sitting with my coat and purse displayed.
I chewed on my lip anxiously. Was Rebecca approving of this whole thing or wasn’t she?
She handed me my coat and bag and then put on her own, the black velvet catching the party lights. She noticed the expression I was giving her.
“What? It’s true. Who knows where Jenn and Bradley went. It doesn’t matter. This just…”
“Has to happen,” I finished without thinking. We looked at each other and smiled, knowing it.
She nodded. “Come on.”
Emily got up and we walked out of the room. I gave the room one last glance, looking at Dean and Seb, who were at the bar, and at Jimmy and Fae, who were talking to the Handyman table.
“Shouldn’t we say goodbye?” I asked.
Rebecca put her arm around me and pushed me forward, gently. “You’ll see them again. For now, it’s best if we leave unnoticed. Trust me. People here talk. And I’m pretty sure Jenn and Bradley will be the talk of the network come Monday, once Fae starts flapping her mouth.”
We walked out of the restaurant and into the cold. Dex was standing in front of a cab that was running, its exhaust filling the frigid air. His back was to us and he was puffing away on another cigarette. I started to question whether a bum had given them to him or not, or if he had a secret stash for moments just like this.
At the sound of the restaurant door closing, he turned around and eyed us briefly. Then he went back to taking a drag.
I was strangely hesitant around him now. I wasn’t sure how to act. But Rebecca did. She marched right up to him, her heels handling the snow with ease, plucked the cigarette from his mouth and tossed it behind her shoulder and into the snow.
“Hey,” Dex protested.
“No excuses,” she said, wagging her finger in front of him. She reached into her giant bag and pulled out the bottle of Jager, which was still half-full. “Take this instead. It’s medicinal.”
“So are cigarettes,” Dex protested. But he took the bottle anyway.
“For what…a broken heart?” she asked. There was almost a malicious edge to her voice, as if she had been down this road with him many times before. Maybe she had been.
“Very funny,” he muttered, glaring at her.
“Oh come on, Dex,” she said, throwing her arm around him and leading him to the cab. “We’re on your side. Always have been. Now get in, pisshead.”
She opened the cab door and pushed him lightly. Then Emily followed. Rebecca looked at me and said, “I’ll take the front. Get in, Perry.”
I did as she said. It was weird to have Emily between Dex and me, but at the same time it left a bit of needed distance. It gave me time to compose my thoughts. That was until Dex passed the bottle of Jager across Emily and straight to me.
I took it and downed a shot against my better judgment. It didn’t even burn anymore. Either I was drunk or my whole body was on fire, inside and out. Maybe it was both.
“Trying to get her drunk, Dex?” Rebecca asked from the front seat, eyeing us briefly.
“Hey, no drinking in the cab,” the driver admonished.
“Oh, relax, we’re dropping them off first,” she said, placing her smooth hand on the cabbie’s shoulder.
I gave the bottle to Emily, sank back in my seat and turned my focus to the window. Seattle looked so different in the snowfall. The urban grit was replaced by a picture postcard scene. In the morning it would probably be all grey slush, but in the evening it was pristine. There was barely anyone around and the buildings looked like icicles rising from the ground. The orange glow that the streetlights scattered on the snow looked less garish and gave off almost a warm, homey feel. Maybe everything was looking better because I just had one of the best nights of my life. Maybe it looked pure because I could still taste the somehow inoffensive taste of Nicorette, Jack Daniels and cigarettes on my lips, could feel his hands on my thighs.
Everything had changed. Everything was going to change. This wasn’t some sexual encounter in the woods. The whole week had been building up to this moment. As Rebecca hinted at, it had to happen. If not, just so I could get it over with. So I could stop wanting him every five minutes. So I could just let it all out.
I breathed out slowly, my breath fogging up the window. I felt Emily’s small hand on my bare knee. I looked at her and smiled quickly, then looked at Dex. He was leaning against the cab window, holding the bottle now, looking like he was passed out.
As soon as the cab stopped in front of his apartment, though, he straightened up instinctively. He leaned forward, thanked the cabbie and handed over the cab fare before anyone could protest.
“Talk to you soon,” he said, patting Rebecca on the shoulder and giving a quick wave to Emily, and exited the cab. I looked at the girls in surprise.
“Well, I guess…thank you for-”
“Perry,” Rebecca said slowly. She eyed the cabbie. He sighed and put the car into park, knowing this could be a long girly convo.
“Perry,” she resumed. “Let’s do lunch tomorrow, OK? I think we’ll have a lot to talk about. I assume we will. Am I right?”
“I hope so,” I said quietly.
She gave me a quick smile. “I thought so. Go get ‘em, tiger.”
I laughed at that and said goodbye to Emily, too, giving her a quick hug.
I got out of the cab. Dex was already down by the main doors, waiting for me.
I joined his side. The cab honked twice and we both turned in unison to wave.
He produced his keycard and the door buzzed open. He held the door for me but didn’t touch me as I passed him and strode into the tiled lobby.
I walked to the elevators. He pushed the button. We got in. Neither of us had said a word. As the elevator went up, we stood beside each other in awkward silence. I even stared at him, blatantly, hoping for something, anything. He just put his hands in his pockets and stared up at the ceiling, letting out his breath in slow stages.
When we reached the floor, we walked down the hall to the apartment.
He unlocked the door and I stepped in. I expected to hear Fat Rabbit scratching at the bathroom door but he must have been asleep. It was silent.
“Jenn?” Dex called out tentatively. There was no answer, though it sounded like the dog stirred a bit. As he locked the door behind him, I walked over to the kitchen counter and leaned against it, easing off both of my shoes.
I moved the shoes over with my feet. I could sense Dex behind me. The tension was unbearable. I could hear him kick off his own shoes and then take off his suit jacket. He flung the jacket forward so it ended up in the living room.
Then he walked toward me, the sound of his feet steady on the floor. I remained still, leaning forward against the counter, my breath caught in my throat. I was afraid to move, afraid to breathe. >
He stopped right behind me. His presence, his energy, was overwhelming. He reached over and picked my hair off of my shoulders and pushed it to the side of me. I quivered a bit at his touch.
I felt him lean closer and lay his lips on the back of my neck where the welt was. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of his hot kiss. He moved a bit over, placing one hand gently on my right arm and moved his lips along the ridge of my shoulders. It sent actual shivers down my spine, shivers I couldn’t contain. I kept my eyes tightly shut, trying to regain the slightest bit of composure while he was working away at unraveling my nerves.
His lips came down to my shoulder and then back up again. He reached over and tucked his fingers underneath the line of my jawbone and gently moved my head to the side in a slow, excruciating attempt to have me face him.
He leaned in closer, his chest pressed up against my back, and brought my face to the side, where his lips removed themselves from the curve of my neck and tickled at the side of my mouth.
I couldn’t restrain myself anymore. I turned around to face him and his hands were in my hair and his lips and tongue were on my mouth. It was just as frantic and feverish as before, maybe even more so.
He put his hands around my waist and, in one smooth motion, he lifted me up and placed me on the kitchen counter. I wrapped my legs around him again and brought him as close into me as he would go.
As we made out his hands traveled up my dress, hiking it up around my waist. I throbbed at the idea of being bare in front of him and reached forward. I grabbed both sides of his white dress shirt and ripped it right open, buttons flying everywhere and landing on the kitchen floor like white rain. I had always wanted to do that.
I quickly tore the rest of his shirt off of him and threw it on the ground somewhere. Meanwhile, he had unzipped the back of my dress and his lips were on my breasts. I leaned back, torn between wanting to be in control and wanting to let go. In the end, he decided that for me. He gently pushed me back until my back was flat on the counter; then he worked his way down to my thighs. I shuddered in anticipation as his tongue worked its way up and met me inside with a languid wash of warmth and slickness.
I groaned, my back arching, and for once I didn’t feel a bit self-conscious.
He worked his magic, much like he did on the island, only it was different now. More powerful. More inviting. More destructive.
Just before I felt myself going over the edge, I straightened up and grabbed the top of his head, pulling him up to look at me. He quickly wiped his mouth and asked, “Do you want me to stop?” Through the waves of desire on his face, he looked worried.
I shook my head, trying to find my voice.
“No,” I said breathily. “I want you inside of me. Now.”
Dex raised his eyebrow and stood up straight. He stared at me for a few beats, breathing hard, almost as if he couldn’t believe what I had said. Then he said, “Yes ma’am.”
He quickly undid his pants and I slipped my dress over my head. When we were both done, we were stark-ass naked.
Now, he had seen me naked before. More than once, somehow. But I’d never seen him. So I couldn’t be blamed for taking my time and letting my eyes slide all over his body. I wasn’t disappointed. Just as I thought, he was nothing but all man, more than enough size for his height.
I wrapped my legs around him again and brought him to me. I ran my nails against his chest, tracing his tattoo, then brought his lips to mine. He made sure I was ready again and then guided himself in. The fact that he wasn’t wearing a condom briefly entered my mind but in the heat of the moment, it wasn’t registering.
I put my hands around his shoulders and squeezed him hard as he entered me. It hurt. It had been a while.
“You OK?” he asked, breathing heavily in my ear between lazy moans and licks.
“Yeah,” I answered, wincing only slightly. Soon the pain was gone and he had found his rhythm. We both had. It was seamless, effortless. When I wanted it faster, I dug my nails into the round of his ass and moved him faster. When he wanted it slower, he pulled back and trailed his tongue and lips all over my body.
Throughout all of it, he wanted eye contact. There was barely a moment where I wasn’t looking into his eyes. It was unnerving, but if I looked away, he brought my gaze back to his.
“I need to see you,” he whispered, looking deep into my eyes. It was so personal, and I felt so vulnerable; my first instinct was to keep him out. But in the end I relented. And I watched the range of emotions run across those fathomless irises, watched him battle so many inner demons. It made everything that much more intense, as if it wasn’t already.
After awhile, when his fingers slid their way down to where I was swelling, I was on the verge of total collapse. He knew it too, biting at my lower lip and neck and working his fingertips as he slid in and out of me at a more vigorous pace.
Soon, there was no turning back, for either of us. His breath was shortening too, groaning more often than not.
“Dex,” I cried out softly, trying to warn him. He kept his eyes on me but I had to break free. My head rolled back and my body burst open into a quivering mess of feelings and starshine. Unlike last time, a wave of emotions rode through me. I moaned and cried out his name over and over again, the occasional swear word thrown in there, and that brought him over the edge as well. Both of us were crying out, so loud that Fat Rabbit must have been traumatized in the bathroom, our nails digging into each other, our rocking motion slowing down.
I was left feeling like I was floating above us all. A shimmer seemed to envelope the apartment, bending and swaying at the corner of my eyes. The emotions gripped my throat and teased behind my eyes. I felt like crying. It was too much. I love you, I wanted to cry out. I wanted to let it all out, over and over again.
But I just lay back against the counter and held his head into my chest, trying to catch my breath, trying to return to the world. And despite having gotten it “over with,” my first thought was that I wanted to do that again. Immediately.
After a few minutes, he lifted up his head and looked at me. And the expression on his face…it changed everything. He was looking at me in absolute fear. I thought I had caught that look before on the island, but it was different now. He and Jenn were over, weren’t they? There was nothing left to fear.
He pulled back, straightening up and then pulled out of me.
I reached forward for his arm, to keep him beside me, but he shrugged it off and walked off to the bathroom. I sat up slowly, turning, and watched his naked form disappear.
What the hell was that? I didn’t like that look at all. It gnawed at my heart and made me second-guess everything that had just happened.
Take it easy, I told myself. Maybe he just realized he should have used a condom and is freaking out.
I couldn’t blame him for that. I hoped that was it. That was a pretty stupid move on both our behalves.
I hoped off the counter, my legs feeling like jelly, my breath and heart rate still erratic. I eyed the mess on the counter and contemplated leaving it there for Jenn to clean up. But that would be too mean and too trashy. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped it off, throwing the rest in the garbage.
Then I gathered up my shoes and my dress and hightailed it, naked, to the den just in case Jenn decided to come home early from her shenanigans.
It wasn’t till I entered the room and shut the door behind me, that I realized the magnitude of what just happened.
I just had sex with Dex.
I wouldn’t have believed it had it not been for the leftover throbbing between my legs, the funny way I walked, the wetness as it ran down me, the bruises he left on my neck from his overzealous sucking. The way his eyes looked as we had made love.
The way his eyes looked afterward.
I rubbed my face anxiously and looked around the den. I needed something to distract me before he came out. I didn’t want to think too much into anything, not before I got a chance to talk to him.
I slipped on my pajama pants and shirt and decided to pack my bag, just in case Jenn came home and they had their long overdue massive blowout and I was suddenly sent home due to awkwardness.
I didn’t have much to pack in the end and was done in a few minutes. I thought I heard the bathroom door open so I waited a few minutes, opened the door to the apartment and looked out. Dex was sitting on the couch in his pajama pants, his back to me and his head in his hands.
I cautiously stepped out and made my way over to him. I stopped by his side, feeling uneasy and self-conscious.
“Are you OK?” I asked softly, looking down at him.
He didn’t answer me. He just kept his focus on the carpet. I noticed that Fat Rabbit had trotted out of the room and was sniffing around the front door.
I placed my hand on his shoulder. He jumped at my touch. This wasn’t good.
“Dex,” I said. I kept my hand there and crouched down beside him. “Talk to me.”
There was still no answer. Now I was really starting to worry.
I reached up with my hand and grasped his wrist. I tried to pull it off his head but he resisted.
“Dex, please,” I said loud enough that Fat Rabbit stopped his sniffing and slowly sulked over to us.
Finally he looked at me. His eyes were red like he had been crying. They were also angry.
“What is it?” I asked, leaning forward and searching them. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” he said. “And I hope you remember it that way.”
I was taken aback. My heart lurched uncomfortably. My nerves began to sizzle in the worst way. I couldn’t think the worst, though. I took in a deep breath.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked carefully.
He whipped his wrist out of my grasp and looked at the blank TV. “What do you think I mean?”
I straightened up and crossed my arms uneasily. “Dex, just tell me what you’re talking about. You owe me that much.”
He chuckled. It was mean. “I don’t owe you anything, Perry.”
Now I really was starting to freak out. “Dex, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?”
“Why are you acting like this?” he countered, waving at me. “All in my face and bugging me every f*cking second.”
“Bugging you?” I repeated. “We just had sex and now you’re freaking out about it like –”
“I’m not freaking out about it,” he shot back.
“Well then what the hell is this?” I shouted. “Cuz we were all fine an hour ago before this happened.”
“I knew this was a mistake,” he muttered into his hands. “This changed everything.”
I could barely speak. I felt like he had stabbed me with an ice pick. I wanted to throw up right on him. I brought my hand to my mouth, fearing it might happen. The tears rushed to my eyes but I didn’t let them flow.
“This wasn’t a mistake…” I said, trying hard not to sob the words out. “How…how could you say that?”
“You’re just reading too much into this,” he sniped. “Typical.”
Another blow, this one chipping away at my pride. My other hand flew to my chest. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest in slow increments. I was breathless, thoughtless. I waved around for something to lean on and found the corner of the couch.
I stared down at Dex as sparks came in and out of the corner of my vision. That was usually a sign that I was going to faint. He looked up at me, a wave of concern passing over him briefly. Maybe it was regret. It didn’t matter. What he said was what he said. And it was killing me inside.
I leaned against the couch, trying to get oxygen, trying to prevent my face from crumbling hopelessly.
Eventually I heard him say, “Perry?”
I looked at him in disbelief. “What was this to you, Dex? A rebound? An itch you had to get out of your system? Another notch to add to your bedpost? Another person to screw around and f*ck with? Mentally and physically!?”
He frowned and blinked a few times. He was unable to say anything.
“OK, then,” I said, my voice shaking. “Guess it was all of the above. Glad I finally know how you really feel.”
I turned and hurried off to the den. All I wanted to do was throw myself on the bed and cry my eyes out, but I had promised myself I would get out of the city without shedding a single tear. I shoved my boots on my feet, not caring that was only wearing pajamas, and put my jacket on top of my shirt. I hoisted the duffel bag and purse on my shoulders and marched out of the den toward the front door.
“Where are you going?” Dex cried out, getting to his feet and coming after me. He grabbed my arm and I wriggled free. Then I took my hands and pushed him hard against his chest so that he stumbled backward.
“You made your point, Dex,” I spat out at him viciously. “You’ve now been very clear.”
“Perry, wait,” he said quickly, his voice uneasy, and rushed back to me. “You can’t leave now. It’s snowing, you’re in your pajamas…”
“I am leaving. And I’m not coming back. Rebecca was right about you. You’re nothing but a scared little boy!”
I turned and made my way to the door, feeling the build-up of emotion rifling through my body, feeling like I was on the verge of total emotional and physical destruction. It was all too much. Too much.
He grabbed me again, putting both his hands around my waist and pulling me up to him. His eyes were crazy, flying everywhere, the eyes of an utter madman.
“Why do you care so much?” he demanded, his grip tightening. His voice rose higher and cracked. “You told me you didn’t love me!”
He shouted that last bit in absolute desperation.
I fought him off and stumbled backward into the door. I faced him and yelled, “You’re not the only who knows how to lie, Dex!” >
His face sank. It was the face of utter and total regret. A face of shame. And a face of supreme agony. He let go of me, dumbfounded.
I took the opportunity to open the door. I paused in the doorway and took the anchor bracelet off my wrist. I ripped it in half in front of his eyes and then threw it at his feet.
“You’re not my anchor! You never were. You’re nothing to me! Go find some other love-struck, spineless girl to host your stupid show!”
I stepped out in the hallway and gave him one final, vile glare.
“I quit!” I yelled at him, fully venomous and fully meaning it. I was done.
Forever.
Then I pulled the door shut. Only then did Dex make a move to stop me, a choked cry escaping from his lips. But it was too late. I ran down the hall and scampered down the stairs all the way to the parking garage.
I knew it was stupid and foolish to ride my motorbike in the snow, especially after a few drinks, but maybe I could find a cheap hotel on the outskirts of town. That plan kept me going, kept my brain occupied and kept my emotions from ruining me before I could escape.
In the cold garage, I frantically strapped my bag to the bike, mounted it and roared out onto the street. The wheels slipped a bit on the snow but the traction held. The snowfall had stopped, thankfully, and I was able to see clearly through my helmet as I made my way through the downtown area and onto the I-5.
It wasn’t till I was outside of the city limits that my vision began to blur. There were too many tears running down my face.