Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)

“I can’t do this,” I said, my voice as shaky as my hands. It wasn’t just the awful memories. There were so many reasons why I wasn’t ready for this.

“Why not?” Arys pinned me with a knowing look, one that dared me to tell him what he already knew. “Because of him? Or because of me?”

My back hit the door, and I leaned against it, dropping my gaze to the floor. “Both.”

Having been with Kale so recently, I couldn’t simply pretend none of that had happened. Even if Arys was willing to overlook it or pass it off as newbie vampire mania, I couldn’t do that.

“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t fucking kill me that you’ve been with him. But we belong together, Alexa. It’s what we are.” Arys slumped in his chair and rubbed a hand over his face as if he couldn’t decide how to get through to me.

“Arys, I’ve spent so much of myself being torn between who I belong with, who my wolf wants, and who lets me forget the world exists, that I’m losing myself. Every night I feel crazier than the last, like I’m losing my damn mind. I need some time to adjust.” My constant plea for time was wearing on him. I could see it in his eyes, the weariness that I couldn’t stand to look at.

He gestured to the unconscious woman on the bed. “Don’t tell me you didn’t feel how good we are together. We are a perfect fit. You were always meant to be a vampire. Part of you knows it. And part of you hates it. I can see that. But please, just don’t shut me out. I can’t take it.”

Again we’d reached an impasse. We both needed something from the other that we weren’t going to get without a fight.

“You’re right. I do hate it. It makes me hate myself. That’s not something that’s going to change overnight.” A surge of emotion choked off my words.

Arys stared at me. I stared at the floor. Finally, his voice husky and strained, he asked, “Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

My heart seized at the raw pain in that question. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. The part of me that belonged to Arys wanted to throw myself on the floor at his feet and promise him that this wouldn’t divide us forever, that I would get over it. The part of me that was all wolf hated him, hated what he’d done to me, hated that I’d allowed it. It wasn’t just Arys and I that were divided. It was me.

“I want to,” I said, dragging my gaze up to meet his. “I know it’s not your fault, Arys. You’re a victim of circumstance as much as I am. But I need to learn how to forgive myself. And I’m not sure things will ever be what they were before.”

Arys stood up quickly, his hands clenched like he wasn’t sure what to do with them. “I don’t want it to be. I want it to be better. It can be. It will be.”

On impulse I threw myself into his arms, hugging him tight. “I want to believe that. I do. Please, just give me time.” Before he could respond, my phone buzzed with an annoyed text from Jez. “Shit. Jez is here looking for me. She’s coming with me tonight. I have to go.”

Arys nodded and motioned to the door. “I guess you’re taking Kale too.” At my puzzled expression he added, “I can feel him. He’s here. It’s like you magnify his presence or something.”

When I concentrated on the vampire energy in the building, I was able to detect Kale’s honey-sweet vibe among them. “Yeah, I’m taking him. For Jez. She’s not taking his leaving so well.” It wasn’t a lie. So why did it feel like one?

“Well, don’t keep them waiting. When you’re ready, you know how to find me.” With a warm hand Arys pushed my hair back and kissed my forehead before turning away.

I lingered, wondering if I should say something. I was torn, wanting to offer him some kind of reassurance and needing to just walk away. There was nothing I could say to fix this. It would have to come in its own time.

I left the room without a backward glance, but it wasn’t easy. I was all kinds of confused. Emotion plagued me like a virus that I needed to exterminate. Unfortunately, the only way to be free of it was to lose myself in the kill. Lucky for me, I was off to do just that.

Chapter Sixteen

I rushed Kale and Jez out of The Wicked Kiss with little explanation. There was no way I could stand to witness another confrontation between Arys and Kale, especially not on Kale’s last night in town.

The three of us piled into Jez’s beat up Jeep Liberty. It was a good vehicle for blending in, better than my bright-red Charger. I held tight to the door handle as we careened around corners and jerked to stops at red lights. Being much harder to kill did give me some additional comfort.

We headed for a sketchy area on the north side of the city. The address Brinley had given me wasn’t in the worst part of town, but it was far from a safe, family-friendly neighborhood.