Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)

I didn’t feel like I should have to explain myself to them. But they both stood there waiting for it. My hand shook on the car door handle. I felt defensive, like I wanted to tell them both to go to hell. Instead I tried to see it from their point of view and failed.

“I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I died and the person who killed me took immense joy in it. If that doesn’t qualify me for a little insanity, then I don’t know what does. You don’t have to like my choices. You can hate that I ran to the one person I felt safe with. But don’t you dare judge me. Neither of you have the right.”

Arys looked absolutely tragic, like I’d reached into his chest and grabbed hold of his heart. A muscle in his jaw twitched, one of his few tells. On the outside he was composed, but emotion ripped him up inside.

“Lex, don’t you think this is killing him too?” Shaz gestured to Arys. “You two need to talk. We all do. You can’t keep running from us.”

There had once been a time when I never would’ve believed that Shaz would come to Arys’s defense, especially against me. It should have been a good thing. My death had united them the way nothing else could have. I should be happy. But I felt like the dynamic between us had shifted, making me the odd one out.

“Guys, I think you need to back off Alexa a little.” To my surprise, Jenner came to my defense. “It’s only been a week. Chill out.”

“Exactly,” Arys said through clenched teeth. “Only a week, and we’re both losing our fucking minds. Bodies are dropping. The Feds are watching us, and Juliet fucking O’Brien has gotten herself locked up. There’s no time to chill out.”

I touched Jenner’s arm, a brief touch to show that I appreciated the gesture. “I’m not having this conversation here.”

Running out on them might not have been the best choice, but I was quickly becoming overwhelmed. Shaz had no intention of letting me do that. He did grab hold of me then, and with fangs bared, a growl rumbled in his throat.

“I’m not letting you walk away. I get that you’re suffering right now, but you’re not the only one. You don’t get to shut us out and make this all about you. We’re affected by this too, Lex.” Shaz held tight to my arm. The Alpha wolf in him stared out at me through his jade eyes, an unspoken dare.

“Let me go,” I snapped. Then trying again in a softer tone, I added, “Please.”

“No.” Shaz shook his blond head and tightened his hold. “I’m not letting you shut us out anymore. Talk to us, Alexa.”

His persistence was both surprising and annoying. The wolf in me was impressed with his forcefulness, but the vampire side of me recoiled. Having someone put his hands on me against my will brought forth my sense of self-preservation. If Shaz didn’t let up, I was going to hurt him.

So I tried again, speaking slowly, fighting to quench the anger lighting my emotions on fire. “Shaz, please. Let go. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” He laughed, a sound filled with pain and rage. “I’ve been hurting since the night you ran from us, straight into Kale’s bed. How much worse can it get?”

The next growl came from me. I understood that he was upset, but he was going too far too soon. “Who the fuck are you to talk to me about running to someone else’s bed seeking false comfort?” I demanded, satisfied when he flinched. “You don’t get to judge me for mistakes that you’ve made.”

Shaz’s emotions drove his wolf. The hand gripping me sprouted claws that dug into my skin. “My mistakes don’t include slaughtering innocent people just for kicks. This isn’t who you are. Do you really expect me to stand by and watch you destroy yourself?”

Blood ran down my arm. Shaz didn’t seem to notice he was hurting me until both vampires edged closer, drawn by the aroma. Then he released me, but he didn’t back out of my personal space.

“No, I don’t. I expect you to move on with your life. Forget about me. I’m not your burden to bear.”

“Alexa,” Arys said, a warning in his tone.

“Don’t start with me, Arys.” I threw a venomous glare his way. “What you and Jenner have been up to isn’t so different from what Kale and I have been doing. Is it?”

They had been killing too, getting their kicks while bleeding strippers and federal agents. I was just like Arys now, existing night to night with a hunger for pain and destruction. I wanted to blame him, but I had chosen this.

“You’re still a wolf,” Arys spoke softer, as if trying to rein in his own temper. “Shaz is still part of you, as is the light. We will never know how it feels to have both fighting to rule your mind and your heart, but please, give us a chance here. We love you.”

“You love misery.”