Becoming Calder

CHAPTER TEN


Calder



"Better?" I asked Maya, taking the glass of water from her lips and placing it on the table next to her. She nodded, her eyes sleepy. "Good."
I smoothed her hair back from her face and she smiled at me. "Are there any more butterscotch candies?"
I smiled at her. "No, you ate them all."
She frowned slightly. "Maybe Eden will leave more for me today."
"Maybe. You remember that's our secret, right? Eden would get in trouble if anyone knew she was giving you candy."
She nodded. "I know. I can keep a secret."
"I know you can."
Maya closed her eyes for a minute and then opened them. "When I get to Elysium, Calder—"
"Maya, you're not going to Elysium anytime soon."
"I know, but when I do get there . . . well, will I be beautiful like Eden?" She looked up at me with her simple, trusting gaze.
My heart squeezed as I looked down at that beloved face. "You're already beautiful, Maya."
She shook her head and pursed her lips as if I was purposefully being difficult. "Will I be beautiful like Eden?"
I knew what she was asking me and it broke my damn heart.
I was quiet for a moment. "I think in Elysium, we'll get to be whatever we want to be, anything our hearts desire."
Maya smiled softly at that. "Then I'm going to look just like Eden, and I'm going to be able to run as fast as a cheetah."
I couldn't help but smile. Maya's heart was one of the sweetest and most wonderful things in my life. Who else would want those things? I could go with that. "Okay, then, I'm going to be as strong as a hundred oxen and I'm going to be able to fly."
Maya laughed softly, but then it turned into a cough. Sometimes it sounded like she couldn't catch her breath. I gave her another sip of water and she leaned back on her pillow, smiling. "I think Elysium is going to be wonderful."
I nodded. "As long as we're there together, it will be."
Maya smiled again and then closed her eyes. "You get some sleep," I said quietly. "I'll be back in a couple hours."
She nodded, but didn't open her eyes. I could hear her quiet snores as I ducked out of the healing tent, a large tented "room" close to the Temple. Maya's cough was markedly improved this time after the holy water and I said a silent prayer of thanks to the gods, most specifically the God of Mercy. I smiled to myself.
My parents and I had been taking turns sitting with her night after night so she wouldn't be alone, but they were older than me and staying up all night took its toll on them, so most nights I volunteered. As a result, during the day I felt like the walking dead. I hated missing my time with Eden, but if I was going to be any good to Maya, I needed to sleep during my midday break. Maya didn't like the dark and I'd never let her stay alone in that small, unlit space in the evenings and through the night. She slept well with me there. But she was sleeping quite a bit during the day now, too, so she must have needed extra rest.
I took a quick trip to the river, shed my shirt, and then used my hands to bring water over my head and chest, and then scrubbed at my face. I used my shirt to dry myself as well as I could, and then draped it around my neck. Feeling a little bit more refreshed, I walked back toward my cabin to get some breakfast.
Glancing at the main lodge brought a sharp ache to my chest. I would have given anything to walk up there, stride right through the front door, and up to Eden's bedroom. I wanted to wrap her in my arms. I wanted her clean scent and her gentle voice to soothe me. I wanted her.
But Hector was back now and I couldn't risk it. I had walked up to the main lodge yesterday and made an appointment with Hector for later this morning. I needed to show him my irrigation system. Thankfully, Hector was always open to meetings and enquiries from the workers. I needed to play my cards right, as a spot on the council was at risk. The rest of my life hung in the balance.
Xander jogged up alongside me and I looked over at him, surprised.
"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."
I shook my head. "Nah, it's okay."
"How's Maya?"
"Better this morning."
Xander nodded his head once. "I went down to the spring and hung out with Eden for a little bit yesterday. It was nice to get her to myself for a little while. I'm really hoping that phrase we use, 'whatever I have, you have half,' applies to her, too."
I froze in my tracks. Rage, hot and wild, shot through me, turning the world red. The next thing I knew, I had Xander up against the side of a worker cabin. "You were alone with Eden?" I gritted out.
Xander put his hands up against the cabin, a huge grin spreading slowly over his face. "Whoa, it's even worse than I thought," he said, his grin, impossibly, growing bigger.
"What's worse than you thought?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him and shoving him harder against the wall.
"You. You're in love, killer. Deep."
I let him go and stepped back quickly, my breath coming out in sharp exhales. I couldn't deny it. I'd tried to deny it. I wanted to deny it. Instead I laced my fingers behind my neck and looked up at the sky. I walked in a slow circle, getting my breathing under control. Finally, I stopped and just stared at Xander. "What am I gonna do? What in the hell am I gonna do?"
Xander pursed his lips and all amusement fled from his face. "I don't know, Calder. I wish I did."
"Why'd you do that?" I demanded, my chest still rising and falling as my heartbeat slowed. I'd been ready to pulverize him.
"Because it was time you admitted it to yourself."
I stared at him, trying to maintain some kind of anger, even some annoyance, but finally, my shoulders sagged in defeat. "I'd already admitted it to myself. I just didn't want to say it out loud. Anything but that." Misery washed through me.
He stepped forward and put a hand on my shoulder. "Aw, geez, Calder, I didn't mean to make this worse. I swear I didn't." He studied me for a minute. "It already is what it is though. And . . . whatever happens . . . brothers," he said, solemnly and put his fist out. I let out a breath and bumped his fist with my own.
"Brothers."

**********

When I got back to our cabin, I went straight to the room where I slept and started pulling on my one other, clean shirt. I willed myself to put what Xander said out of my head for now.
My parents were already out in the fields, but they weren't expecting me. They knew I was meeting with Hector. My parents didn't necessarily agree with my ambitions, but there wasn't anything they could do about it. My dad wasn't much of a talker anyway, and he seemed perfectly content with the life he led. His belief in Hector was unwavering. I'd never confide to him my ambitions stemmed from a desire for more of life in general, not just more of life in our small community. He wouldn't understand. To be perfectly honest, I didn't exactly understand it either. What was it about me that made me want more? What made me stand in our doorway night after night, staring out at the distant city lights, with fear, yes, but also with a strange longing in my gut? Maybe I could compare it to the way I felt when I looked at Eden—terrified and electrified all at once. This spot on the council could mean more than just a means of going outside Acadia . . .
You're in love, killer. Deep.
I saw what looked like the corner of a piece of paper sticking out from under my bedding and frowned. I picked up the lumpy pillow and there was a folded note with two butterscotch candies on top. I grinned. I unwrapped one quickly and popped it in my mouth, that familiar buttery sweetness bursting across my tongue.
I unfolded the note and read Eden's small, concise printing:


Calder,
I hope Maya is having a better day today. I've been thinking about her non-stop and wish somehow I could visit her. I hope the candy has put a small smile on her face, even if only for a minute.
I could have given this letter to Xander along with the candy for you and Maya, but I kind of wanted to leave it for you myself—sort of for old time's sake, I guess.
The spring has been quiet without you there, although the days haven't been without a small measure of excitement. Yesterday, it came to my attention that the small snake I threw off our rock months ago is actually the offspring of a twenty-foot, (two hundred, forty inches when converted—I pay sharp attention to my math tutor) two-headed serpent that has been stewing in a venomous rage (quite literally) since the mistreatment of her beloved son or daughter. (How do you tell one from another? I guess that's a lesson for another day.) When confronted, I was forced to wrangle the slippery beast. As it turns out, the reptile (cold-blooded vertebrate) is rendered weak by verbal algebraic word problems. Despite the shouted math (me) and subsequent weakening (snake), there was still much physical thrashing and hissing (on both parts), but in the end, I was victorious. The rock remains our domain (or is it domaine?). All in a day's work.
And you were right about knowledge. You never know when a little bit of it will come in handy at just the right time, and save your life (and your rock domain(e?) as the case may be).
I miss you. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but it's true. In truth, my days have dragged by and at least a thousand times an hour I think of something I want to tell you, or ask you. I've written them down because I don't want to forget, and because it makes me feel closer to you.
Today, Hector has a meeting with the council at noon. I can meet you at our spring if you're able? From now on it's going to be harder for me to meet you and so I hope you can come. I don't want to think our time there is ending, but at the very least, it won't be regular anymore. That thought brings me such immense sadness, I can't even tell you. I'll always consider it to be the place where my life began.
I'll be waiting.
Yours, Eden


Yours. Mine. I wished I could go to her, hold her, tell her I loved our times together, too, and I missed her as well. But what would be the point? Yours. Mine. I moved those thoughts aside. But I still stood there grinning at the note like a damn idiot for longer than I had time to. I had business to attend to today and I needed my focus to be there.
You're in love, killer. Deep.
I folded her note up and put it under my pillow so I could read it again later.
An hour after that, I was walking up to the main lodge, clean-shaven and bathed more thoroughly. I felt energy surging through my veins. This had to work.
When I stepped up on the large porch, I heard piano music playing and hesitated in knocking. Could that be Eden? She'd talked about her music often, but was she that good? The music floating out the open window next to the door made my heart clench in my chest at its beauty and mastery. I walked farther down the porch and turned to an open set of French doors. There she was, sitting at a large, black piano, eyes closed as her fingers flew over the keys. My breath hitched. She was mesmerizing. Gracefully beautiful. Ethereal. Mine. That's the girl I choose. Mine, my mind insisted. And this time, I didn't correct myself. I leaned my hip and shoulder against the doorway and put my hands loosely in my pockets as I watched her. I was lost to everything except my beautiful Eden and the melody floating out from her fingers. Nothing else existed. In my chest, I felt . . . pride. I was so damned proud of her. I watched until the last note was played and she opened her eyes. They met mine. Her mouth opened as if to say something, but we both knew our station. I felt the electricity singing in the air between us. A small smile played on Eden's lips, and her eyes filled with a beautiful expression of warmth. For me.
Suddenly, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and a strange coldness moved down my spine. I pivoted, as if someone had struck me from behind, and Hector was standing there watching the silent exchange between Eden and me. I closed my eyes very briefly and took a deep breath.
"Father," I said, attempting to sound much more confident than I felt inside. "Your . . .  Eden is a beautiful piano player. I didn't realize she was so gifted."
Hector's eyes, which were narrowed on me, seemed to clear just a little. He shook himself slightly as if shaking off an idea he found distasteful. "Water Bearer."
I have a name. My name is Calder.
He walked toward me and clapped me lightly on my back. "Yes, Eden is very gifted. The gods have blessed her with many gifts. To be the man who has been chosen to . . . bask in those gifts is humbling indeed." He glanced at me sideways, but I pushed my own thoughts on that statement aside. Focus.
"You had a purpose to scheduling an appointment with me, I presume," Hector said as I fell in step beside him.
"Yes, Father. I'd like to show you something if you'll allow me."
Hector glanced at me again, but nodded his head. "I always have time for my water bearer," he said, his expression warming.
I let out a breath. "Thank you."
We walked the distance between the main lodge and the bank of the river in silence. When we arrived at the riverbank, Hector followed my lead a short way along the pebbled shore until we got to the start of my irrigation system.
It was mostly a series of thick hollowed-out branches tied together and elevated where necessary to keep the water running downhill to the edge of the crops, which were about three hundred feet from where we were standing. We'd already been using this one for the last three months or so and it made our work much easier and quicker. We no longer had to make trips back and forth to the river for hours a day. We simply made one trip to un-dam the system and then spent about a fourth of the time we had before filling containers that were right there at the edge of the area we were watering.
"What's this?" Hector asked.
"It's an irrigation system, Father," I said. And then I explained the simplicity of how it worked. "With your approval, I'd like to build several more of these. I think we can cut down on the time it takes us to water the crops even further . . . maybe even plant a few more once we have the means to water them all."
Hector stood there looking at the system for a minute and then looked at me, his eyes moving to my arms.
"You hollowed out those branches yourself?"
I frowned down at the branches. "Yes, Father. I did it on my own time, after my work was done."
Hector stood silently for a minute. "What was your ultimate goal here?"
"My ultimate goal?" I cleared my throat. "Well, Father, I was hoping to be of use to the community at large of course, but also that you'd possibly consider me for a position on the council. There's been an empty spot since Father Nagle passed away, and I'd work hard for you. I'd be diligent and—"
"Oh, Water Bearer," Hector interrupted, and then pursed his lips. "Son, are you sure this doesn't have to do more with wanting to live up at the main lodge?" He raised his brows at me. "You should always be honest about your motivations if you're hoping to please the gods."
I regarded him for a minute, feeling as if I was about to walk into some kind of trap no matter what move I made.
"In all honesty, Father, my motivation is to offer my services to our family in a bigger way. I feel called to serve as more than a water bearer, not just for myself, but also for our community as a whole. I know it's not my place to determine who does what job here, all I can tell you is—"
"In the grand scheme of things, each and every job here is important. You play a role in keeping our family nourished. Do you think the God of War feels loftier than the God of Grain? He may be a mighty soldier, but without the God of Grain, he would starve, as would all his men. No job here is unimportant. I am the prophet, and you are a worker. The gods have made it that way and you must learn to accept and thrive in your role. If you're having trouble with that, I can give you some readings, and I ask that you start going to Temple every day."
I took a deep breath, trying to steady my rising anger and frustration. I felt my hopes crumbling all around me.
"And if I'm not able to accept what the gods have ordained, Father?"
Hector narrowed his eyes and looked at me for a long time. "Try harder. There are paths much rockier than the one I'm offering you. I'd hate to see you choose the wrong one." He looked back at my irrigation system and then back at me, regarding me with such derision I wanted to look away, but I held my ground, holding his eye contact. Something about it felt disrespectful, but it was almost as if I responded by instinct alone, one man to another. Finally, Hector was the one to look away, back to my system.
"It took a lot of strength to build this," he said, almost as if to himself. "But brute strength alone doesn't get you anywhere in the long run. In any great endeavor, mind power is your greatest tool. Planning, strategizing. For example, you can obviously lift stone and hollow out trees, but the problem is something like this isn't completely structurally sound, because no thought went into its construction."
I furrowed my brow, a current of anger buzzing steadily in my system. "With all due respect, Father, it's extremely structurally sound. I figured out the whole thing in my mind long before I started construction. We've been using it for months, even through several storms. It's been a big help to the laborers, not only for crops, but for other water needs as well." I was talking, but I felt as if my jaw wasn't moving and my words came out clipped.
He shook his head as if what I said was nothing more than a bald-faced lie and then he took one foot and kicked the section in front of him violently.
I startled, unable to comprehend for a few brief seconds exactly what he was doing.
"No," he said, shaking his head again. "Not structurally sound at all. Practically anything could bring it down." He kicked at it again and again, and several sections beyond the one that had taken the blow, came crashing to the ground. I was frozen, disbelieving. He was destroying everything I'd worked so hard for. On purpose.
"Father—" I started, stepping forward.
"See, son? When you build something from the ground up, you have to build it in such a way that no man can ruin it. It can't be flimsy and easy to destroy. Why, if that were the case, anyone could knock it over, take what was yours as if they had that right. When in fact, they should know that would be a disastrous thought and action on their part. Am I right?" His eyes bored into mine, making his point very clear.
As I stared back at him, I felt anger. I felt hot, my skin prickled, and my hands automatically curled into fists.
"I'm sorry I have to cut this meeting short, but I'm expected by the council now. Remember what I said, Water Bearer," he said as he started to leave, kicking over other sections of the system as he walked away from me. "Don't ever try to be something other than what the gods have ordained."
I stood there, watching him retreat, the world shimmering around me as if filled with heat. What had just happened?
My feet started moving before my brain had a chance to stop them. There weren't any thoughts in my head, just a loud whooshing sound. I didn't even remember covering the ground from the river to the edge of the trail leading down to the spring, but suddenly I was there. I made my way downhill, my calves straining, dust clouding at my feet as I practically ran down the steep incline.
Anger coursed through me, but below that was deep hurt. I had trusted Hector. I had trusted his respect, in the very least, for me, for all of his people. All my life, I had trusted Hector. And in an instant, that was gone.
I moved the brush aside roughly, practically crashing through the small opening to our spring. When I stepped out onto the other side, there she was, just turning toward me from across the grass, a large rock behind her.
"Calder," she breathed, beginning to smile. Her pale blonde hair shone in the sun and her gentle eyes blinked and widened as she took me in. She was so damned beautiful. "I didn't know if you'd be able to make it."
I strode toward her and as she took in my expression, her smile faltered. "Calder, what are you—" Her words died as I made it to her, still breathing hard from my fast descent down the trail. I took her face in my hands, glanced at her lips, and then back at her eyes. They widened even further and she breathed out, "Ohhh," understanding suddenly filling those beautiful blue pools. And then my mouth was on hers, and I plunged my tongue into the forbidden fruit. Hard. Demanding. Despite my harshness, her mouth opened under mine and she let out a breathy sigh, her arms wrapping around my neck. I pushed my tongue deeper into her mouth with no finesse whatsoever, wondering if she'd pull away, but she didn't shrink back. She met my probing tongue with her own and sucked lightly on mine. A growl rose up my throat as if I was a savage. I was on fire everywhere, not from anger now, but from her, from her taste, from the soft yet bold way she was responding to me. She took everything I had to give unflinchingly and gave more in return.
And just like that, the whole world was a place I no longer recognized.
My senses cleared and our kiss slowed. Suddenly, the only thing I was focusing on was Eden: the way her hands were gripping the hair at the nape of my neck, the way her skin smelled like apple blossoms, the way her mouth tasted like the very first springtime. This was her first real kiss, and I had practically mauled her. Shame hit me in waves. But I couldn't stop. It was my first real kiss, too.
I kissed her with all I had and everything I was worth, which, most likely, wasn't very much right about then.
We kissed and tasted and sucked and nipped at each other's mouths, lips and tongues, until we were both so breathless I had to pull away. She mewled and her head fell back as I dragged my lips down the satiny skin of her throat. She wrapped one leg around my hips. I put my hands under her bottom and lifted her up so we were at the same level. I took a few steps and pressed her against the flat rock behind her, her legs circled around my hips. My erection, hot and pulsating, was pressed to her core now and we both moaned together. It felt so blessedly good, so right.
As I nipped at the skin at her neck, words came flowing out of my mouth, unbidden. I barely knew what I was saying. It was as if a dam of emotion had opened and I was helpless to stop. "I've wanted you for so long. So long. Every waking minute, in my dreams, too. I want to bury myself in you, drown in you, and never come up for air. I want you to be mine, and only mine. I'm so sorry, Eden, so sorry—"
"Please don't be sorry," she breathed out, her head still back. "Anything but that. Please don't be sorry. I'll never be sorry. If this is the last piece of heaven I get before I'm dragged down to hell, then I'll gladly take it."
I groaned, part misery, part overwhelming desire. "Don't say that, Eden." I put my lips to the pulse, beating strong and sure at the base of her throat and used my tongue to trail around it. Eden pressed her body into mine, moaning, too. I was evil and disgusting. This was wrong. But if it was, then why did it feel like I would die without it? Why did Eden's touch suddenly feel necessary to my very existence?
And so I continued to kiss her, despite what I knew to be right, and against all reason, except for that which spoke to me through every heartbeat.
"We should stop," I said, totally unconvincingly since my mouth met hers and I slid my tongue inside to taste her again and again. Her tongue joined with mine and we kissed for long, luxurious minutes, completely lost in each other. This. This was Elysium. This beautiful girl in my arms. I'd longed to hold her close for so long. She was so soft, so beautiful.
She broke away, drawing in air and gazing into my eyes. Her lips were swollen and red, her face flushed, and her eyes heavy-lidded with desire. In that moment, I knew I'd never see anything as beautiful as Eden's face after she'd been kissed.
"Make love to me," she whispered. "I want you so much I ache." I froze, all except for the parts between my legs. Those parts surged forward with attention, apparently under the impression their services were needed. Now.
I used every shred of willpower I had to calm my raging blood. I leaned forward so our foreheads were touching and I let her down gently onto the ground. We breathed together for a minute, our heart rates slowing. "I can't. Not here. Not like this."
She looked down, hurt.
"I want to, believe me, I want to—more than I've ever wanted anything in my life." I grabbed her hands in mine and brought them to my heart. She looked up at me. "But I have to know you're mine—"
"I am yours. I've always been yours. I'll be yours here on earth, in Elysium. I'll fight the gods if I have to. I'll stand before them and declare it."
I let out a small laugh and then smiled down at her. "Where do you find your strength, Morning Glory?"
She gave me a small smile in return. "From you," she whispered, her gaze direct and filled with trust. "What will we do?"
I breathed out. "I don't know. Something, though. Something has to be done."
She nodded. "Why did you kiss me today? What made you do it?"
I hesitated. "Hector rejected my plan. He kicked over my irrigation system." I shook my head, the humiliation seizing me for a minute. I met Eden's eyes again and took a deep breath. "That was the catalyst. But I swear to you, Eden, I swear to you on every part of me, it's because I've wanted to kiss you for so long that it was brewing inside me like an out-of-control storm. I'm sorry it started in anger. You deserved better than that."
Eden regarded me for a minute and then she smiled. "I'm not sorry. I don't care how it started. Just that it did." She paused. "As long as it'll happen again." She blinked up at me.
I leaned down and kissed her lips again softly, nipping the bottom one with my teeth until she smiled against my mouth.
I leaned back. She took one hand and put it on my cheek, her expression filled with care and kindness. I leaned into her. "I'm sorry Hector did that." She paused. "I heard him talking to Clive Richter. Something went wrong for him on the pilgrimage he was just on. I don't know what, but something . . . something's different about him. And also, he sees you as a threat, and rightly so. He saw us today."
I stepped back, took her hand, and led her to the smaller rock where we sat down together. "I know. It's part of the reason, and I see how he's different, too, but . . . I see it clearly now. I was never going to get a spot on the council. It was a pipe dream."
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
I stared out at the spring for a minute, realizing nothing in me felt surprised. I turned to her and tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear, letting my gaze roam over her beautiful face. She looked like a goddess sitting there, her hair cascading over her shoulders and her pale skin glowing in the sunlight. For just a second, I wanted to fall to my knees at her feet and worship at her shrine.
"This changes everything, you know. We can't go back. We can't pretend this didn't happen. I can't pretend this didn't happen."
She nodded, letting out a breath. "Yes, I know."
I nodded, furrowing my brow. "I don't know exactly what to do, but I'm going to come up with something. You trust me, right?"
"With my life."
My chest tightened and I leaned forward and kissed her again. "Okay. We need to get back now. Hector's meeting will be ending. No more coming to my cabin, all right? If you need to contact me, you leave a note in the bushes for Xander. I'll have him check every day."
She nodded her head, biting her full bottom lip. I wanted to kiss her again, but there wasn't time. I wanted to kiss her again and again for the rest of forever, and never stop. "Are we going to leave here?" she asked, her eyes pleading for some sort of confirmation.
I looked back at her for a minute, then pulled her into my chest, holding her tightly against me. She laid her ear over my heart and we just sat like that for long minutes. Could we? Could we leave here? My family? My friends? Our lives? Our destiny? "Only because we have to," I finally said.