Withering Tights

Chapter 6

Out of control yoof

Quickly get a bucket of water

It’s a girl fest

For the rest of the morning Gudrun took us round for a tour of Dother Hall. We saw the studios for painting, the kiln area, the technical workshop. The backstage dressing rooms. We even went down to the music recording studios. Bob’s office is to one side and Gudrun said, “We can just ‘Bob’ in.”

He didn’t hear us ‘Bob-ing’ though, because he had heavy metal booming out of his speakers and he was pretending to play a guitar.

I said, “I didn’t know that Mrs Rochester was musical.”

And the others sniggered. Which was quite a nice feeling.





After our tour, we were all lying down on the grass when Sidone came across to us. She was wearing an enormous hat and dark glasses.

“Darlings, darlings. Are you having fun? So, so thrilling, isn’t it?”

We mumbled, “Yes.”

She went on. “Now then, all in to the studio theatre for the performance lunchtime. It’s a work in progress by some of the seniors called ‘Untitled…Now!’ Oh, and by the way, girls, would you use the upstairs loos for the rest of the day. There has been an unfortunate blockage situation which Bob is trying to get to the bottom of.”

I didn’t look at the others.

In the studio we were handed slips of paper.

Untitled…Now!





Question: What is a woman?

Is it a Woe…man?

Is it a Wombman?

How can we re-find our egg-sistence?

A work in progress by Lavinia Pilkington, Davinia

McCloud and Anouska Pritchard

With thanks to the example of our inspirational

teacher Sidone Beaver





The studio went black and a faint spotlight came up in the centre. Lavinia walked into it. She was carrying an apple. She walked right into the centre of the light and looked at us meaningfully. She pointed to the apple and said, “Orange.”

And smiled sadly.

Then Dav and Noos came on with scarves all over them and started snaking about chanting, “I saw the snake, I saw the snake, and the snake saw me.”

Lav went off backwards and walked back on a minute later, slowly carrying an egg.

The snakes were still giving it their all with the scarves. Lavinia said in a dramatic voice, “We come from eggs, but some of us are eggier than others.”

She looked at the snakes, they looked back, and then they all smiled ironically.

They were still smiling ironically as the light went down very, very slowly.

Sidone started clapping so we joined in. I don’t know why.

Gudrun, who was right at the front, was looking back at us and beaming like she had just seen an elephant reading a poetry book.

Afterwards, Lav and Dav and Noos explained what it was about. Lav said, “I think what we were trying to get to is…you know, our sort of similar eggness. How women should stick together and support each other.”

One of the snakes (Dav) said, “Yes, the bit where I come on and I’m still being the snake…but I am aware of the of the…”

Lavinia said, “Of the egg?”

And Noos nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes, yes, yes exactly.”

Lavinia interrupted. “Yes, good point, Dav, and in fact one that I was just about to make…thanks for that. I wonder if anyone in the audience noticed that I became more egg-shaped during the performance?”





The next day, Sidone announced that our performance project for the summer course is Wuthering Heights. The fifteen of us have to adapt and present an original reworking of it. Sidone said, “Go out and see what the countryside suggests to you.”

Outside in the warm sunshine again, I began to cheer up. The friends had been nice to me about the hiddly diddly thing, in fact, Vaisey said, “It was unique.”

And the others nodded.

Jo said, “It was almost in a way…so weird that you might be…well, known for your weirdness.”

That’s good, isn’t it?

I felt smooth and purry, like a cat in a cream shop. With new friendies and no grown ups to tell me off. I know that the Dobbins are officially grown ups, but their idea of telling you off is to only give you a small bit of cake.

So everything was looking up, apart from having no boys to look at yet. We had the afternoon off for sketching and ideas.

I said, “So, Woolfe Academy is somewhere over there. On the other side of the woods.”

Flossie said, “Maybe we should go in the direction of the sign and see what it suggests to us.”

Milly and Tilly and the rest of the others forged off down by the river, and our little group went in the vague direction of Woolfe Academy.





After two minutes of pretend looking at stuff we were out of sight of Dother Hall and found a comfy tree with soft grass underneath it.

I said, “This soft grass suggests ‘softness’ to me, but also at the same time ‘lying-down-ness’.”

As we lay around the tree, Vaisey had obviously been thinking about Honey and her snogging stories. She said, “How did you get a boy to kiss you the first time? Did you say ‘give us a kiss’?”

Honey lay down on her back and, putting her legs up against the tree, said, “Well, yeth, in a way. I did it with my eyeth. I did eyeth work.”

Eyeth work?

Honey reckons that girls should be the ones who decide stuff.

Flossie said, “Well that’s all very well for you, you smoothy smooth person, but I’m quite big. I think I frighten boys with my bigness.”

I said, “And your violence.”

Flossie said, “Granted.”





Honey was still being the Love expert. She said, “If you think you are gorguth then boyth think tho too.”

That was a novel idea.

Honey said, “You thtart off with thinking about yourthelf in all your glorwee.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ve got a glorwee.”

Vaisey said, “She means in all your glory.”

And she really did mean that. Not in all your glory with all your clothes on, but in all your glory in the er…in the buenas noches señor. In the pink pyjamas. Or as the French say, dans votre sans pantalons.

She said that we had to love every bit of ourselves and stop criticising our knees.

We should imagine we are in the buenas noches señor and feel free.

Jo said, “Like in that book where the boys all go native.”

Honey said, “Yeth, thort of, but don’t they eat each other in the end?”





Honey got up slowly. “Say, pwoudly…Oooooohhhh, I’m gorguth!”

We all sat there.

She said, “Do you want boyfwendth?”

We got up.

She said, “Follow my inthtwucthionth.”

She started sidling up to the tree saying to it, “Ooohhh, I’m gorguth. I weally, weally am.”

And she was shaking her bosoms at it and waggling her legs about.

She was so confident, it was amazing.

And sort of catching.

Vaisey started waggling her bottom at the tree saying, “Look at my lovely bottom, it’s like a lovely…jelly!”

Flossie was shouting, “Why!! You’re beeaauuutiful!!!”

It was very catching.

And I let rip with my legs.

As Jo was sweeping her hair up and down the tree, I was yelling at it, “You know you want the knees!!! Offer yourself to the knees!!!”

Then a voice behind us said, “Quickly, get a bucket of water, it’s a girl fest!”





We all looked round and a shortish boy with a dark brown, floppy fringe and good-looking face was grinning at us. Behind him was another boy, taller, with wavy, dark blonde hair. Also grinning.

None of us knew what to say. Perhaps we could pretend we were druids. Damn, I had forgotten my false moustache!

Jo eventually said, “Who are you, lurking about…er…lurking at people, who are…”

I said, “…who are doing a theatrical workshop.”

The floppy-haired one was Phil and the blonde one, Charlie. We told them our names and they leaned against the tree, looking at us. Phil has got a really nice smile, sort of twinkly, with nice teeth.

Then Charlie said to me, “Great kneework, Tallulah, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Crumbs.

Jo, who seemed to have developed the cocky gene suddenly, said to them, “What are you doing here?”

Phil said, “We are on a forced cross-country jog.”

I said, “But you’re not jogging.”

Charlie said, “Well spotted.”

Phil said, “We were on the jog, but we got tired of the jog.”

Charlie went on, “We got tired of the jog just after we came out of the school gates. And thank goodness we did, otherwise we would have missed finding the ‘Tree Sisters Club’.”

Phil said, “I would have never forgiven myself.”

Vaisey said, “We are getting ideas for our Wuthering Heights performance.”

We all nodded and I crossed my legs casually. Charlie smiled at me.

I said, “Yes, we are at the performing arts summer school at Dother Hall. That is what we are at…”

I trailed off because both Phil and Charlie were looking at me.

Phil said, “So, let me get this right, you are all training to be lesbians?”

I said, “I think you mean thespians.”

And Charlie said, “I know what I saw, love.”

And he and Phil laughed.

And funnily enough, we all laughed. It must have looked bloody weird dancing round a tree and trying to get off with it.

We all relaxed then. It was exciting having two captive, real-life boys to talk to. Vaisey asked them about their school, Woolfe Academy. “What do you do there?”

Charlie said, “We get bored and depressed, mostly.”

Phil said, “We’re there because…well it’s a small thing, really, there was a bit of…an incident at our, er ‘normal’ school.”

We looked at him.

Phil went on, “You know how it is with boys and home-made fireworks. And science labs that, you know…go…”

I said, “Go?”

Charlie said, “Up.”

Phil went on, “So the bottom line is that we are at Woolfe Academy to be taught how to become decent citizens.”





Wow.

Flossie said, “Are you, like, ‘out of control yoof’?”

Phil said, “Very like that.”

Vaisey said, “Is it because your parents don’t understand you?”

Charlie said, “No, it’s because our parents understand us very well, and that is why they wanted us to go away.”

Phil was nodding wisely. “Yes, we are here to learn how to become normal young men, and to do that we have to jog everywhere with rucksacks on our backs. That is the key.”

Charlie went on, “Although, to be frank, if the headmaster had his way we would be hopping everywhere. Just to show us what real life is really about. He’s only got one leg.”

Out of the blue, Phil said to Jo, “I liked your hair dance thing. Was that the magic of modern dance?”

Jo frowned. And jabbered on like Jabber the Wok. “Yes. We do dance at college, in fact, hahahahaha Tallulah has already done Irish dancing. She kneed the headmistress. On stage. In front of everyone.”

Oh, thank you very much, new, strong, but thickish friend.

Charlie said, “Wow! You kneed the headmistress. Would you mind if I touched the sacred knees?”

What did that mean?

Was he joking?

Or had my knees made a real impact?

At that moment, there was a piercing whistle and the sound of pounding feet in the near distance. A voice yelled, “OK, lads, keep it up! Well run, Miles Senior, just the ploughed field, through the copse and home. Keep it up!!”

Phil and Charlie got up and started jogging on the spot.

Phil said, “Time to take our surprise lead at the other end of the copse.”

As they jogged off, Charlie shouted, “Ta ta, don’t be strangers!”

And they were gone.

Wow.

And phew.