21
WE LAY THERE, IN THE QUIET, neither one of us saying anything, our breathing the only orchestra.
We didn’t need words to understand each other. Somehow, some way, we were connected.
I stayed curled against his side, a smile curving my lips, because I didn’t want to pull away. I wasn’t ready for more with Jared, but feeling him against me… it was nice. It made me feel normal, something I hadn’t felt in two years.
I had believed that I was ruined forever, that I would never want anyone to touch me, ever.
Maybe that would have been the case if Jared hadn’t come along.
Jared had changed everything.
He made me feel again, without a single touch.
His words, his actions, brought a spark back in me.
“Thank you,” I said, breaking the quiet.
“For what?” his chest rumbled with his words.
“For being what I always needed, for making me feel again,” my cheeks flamed at my words. Here I was, practically confessing that I loved him, moments after telling him that my ex-boyfriend raped me.
“No, Katy,” he turned and folded me against him, so that we were face to face. “You are what I’ve always needed. Before you came along,” he smoothed my hair back from my forehead, “I didn’t know what I was missing. I didn’t know what I was capable of.”
“And what’s that?” I asked.
“Of loving,” he whispered.
“Why would you think that?” I looked at him quizzically.
“A deal is a deal, right?” he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, running his fingers forcefully through his hair. “You’ve told me about your past, it’s time for me to tell you about mine. I want us to trust each other,” he turned back towards me, cupping my chin. “I want to know you, inside and out, and I want you to know me. I think we both deserve that, the truth. I’m just scared.”
“Scared of what?” I asked, as he ran his thumb over my bottom lip, causing me to tremble.
“I’m scared you won’t look at me the same way,” his thumb dropped from my lip and I shivered from the loss of heat.
“Jared,” I whispered into the dark room. “I just told you I got raped. I think I can handle your past.”
“You’re right,” he said, softly. “If anyone can, it’s you. You have to understand though, I’ve never told anyone. Not even Karlie knows the whole truth.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” I said, bracing myself. “And I know you won’t tell anyone what I’ve told you.”
Jared got up and closed the door, before lying back down beside me.
He looked up at the ceiling, pulling me against him. I rested my palm over his heart and the steady thumping centered me.
“My dad… wasn’t a good man. He was an angry, violent, drunk. He beat my mom until she was black and blue and did the same to me. So many times, the teachers at school would ask me what had happened and I’d lie. I’d tell them I fell down the steps or that I was just clumsy. I came up with so many excuses for him, because he was my dad and I didn’t want him to go to jail. He… he raped my mom one night. I heard it. She kept begging him to stop and there was nothing I could do. I was only seven and too scared to call the cops because I thought he would kill us. I was terrified. Nine months later, Karlie was born. He lessened the beatings while she was pregnant, but didn’t stop them.
“When Karlie was born, I convinced myself things would get better. Oh boy, was I wrong,” Jared covered his face with his hands. “Karlie cried all the time and it made my dad so angry, he’d take that out on my mom and me. The beatings got worse and worse. It went from some bruises and a black eye, to broken bones and a concussion. Then…” he swallowed and took a deep breath. “Then it wasn’t just the beatings, anymore.”
Jared shuddered.
“I’ve tried so hard to forget my past, but no matter what I do, I can’t erase it. It’s still there, Katy. It won’t go away. It’s always in the back of my mind,” his voice was thick with emotion.
“Tell me,” I whispered, grasping his fingers in mine. I didn’t even flinch at the contact this time.
“One night,” Jared choked, “he came into my room. He was pissed and surprisingly, I don’t think he’d been drinking that night. He yanked me up, out of my bed…” Jared’s jaw clenched and he closed his eyes. “He stripped me of my clothes and he touched me. I couldn’t get away from him. My mom came in and saw. She would never protect herself from him and he always beat her unconscious before he’d start in on me, but tonight was different. She jumped at him, screaming, clawing and kicking. She looked like a wild animal let loose; there was a feral gleam in her eyes. I was crying and I felt so weak. I was a man and a man shouldn’t cry.
“She screamed at me to run. But I didn’t. He wrapped his hand around her throat and squeezed. When she was unconscious he dropped her to the ground like a piece of trash and left the room. I thought he was leaving. I put on clean pajamas and went to my mom’s side. She opened her eyes and told me she loved me and that she tried to take us away from him but she couldn’t. He found out that she was planning to leave and that’s why he came into my room. I guess he wanted to make sure I turned out as f*cked up as him.” Jared chuckled humorlessly. “That’s when I heard the footsteps.
“I turned and I saw a look on my dad’s face I’ve never seen before. He held a gun in his hand and before I knew what was happening, he was shooting. It was so loud and I covered my ears, but I could still hear it. I felt the warmth of my mom’s blood cover my face and I sat there, helpless.
“Everything after that is a blur. I know a neighbor heard the shots and broke through a window. He tackled my father to the ground before he could shoot me or go after Karlie. Someone had already called the cops and the sirens were getting closer. I watched the blood seep from the holes in my mother, creep across the floor, and soak into my dinosaur pajamas. Her lifeless eyes stared back at me and in that moment I truly knew what hate feels like. I thought I hated my father before, but this was beyond anything I’d ever felt. I thought it was going to consume my eight-year-old body. This man had beaten me, he’d violated me, and now, he’d taken my mother from me. She didn’t deserve anything that she was dealt. She was a good person, Katy. But she’s dead, while he rots in prison. Why should he get to live, when she doesn’t?”
I was stunned.
What on earth was I supposed to say to him? Jared had been to hell and back; he’d experienced something that would completely shatter most people.
“Jared I- I don’t know what to say,” I told him, honestly.
“Are you going to run from me now, kitten? This will be the only time I won’t stop you,” his eyes were deadened and I realized he believed that I would leave.
I had news for him; there was no way I could ever walk away from him, because I was in love with him.
I sat up and he sighed, believing that I was leaving.
“Jared,” I said, leaning over him so that my hair tickled his shirt-clad chest. “I can’t leave you.”
“Why?” he asked, making no move to touch me.
I closed my eyes and decided to take that leap, and hoped Jared’s arms were waiting to catch me.
“Because… I love you.”
He sat up and hope filled his eyes.
I blundered on. “Against all odds, I love you. I didn’t think that I would ever fall in love, not again, but for the first time, because I never really loved Preston. He was… convenient and after what happened, I didn’t think I could find someone that would make me feel, because how can you feel without touching? But you proved me wrong. You came crashing into my life like a beacon of light and chased the darkness away. You made me feel again, without touching me, but simply being there for me and knowing exactly what to say to me, that’s how I know you’re special.”
He rested his forehead against mine and his hand cupped the back of my neck.
“You’re so wrong, Katy. You’re the special one. You’re the one that chased your own darkness away, not me. I told you before, only you can heal yourself,” he brushed my hair back. “And that’s what you’re doing. I see a small change in you, every day. You may not notice it yourself, but I do. You smile and laugh more, you let me touch you,” he ran a finger down my cheek to demonstrate. “It might not seem like much, but that is everything.”
“You’ve changed me so quickly, Jared. You’ve opened up my heart and my soul. You’ve challenged me and that’s something no one has done since…” I swallowed. “Since Preston raped me. I used to wish that it never happened but I realized that you’re right.”
“About what?” he asked.
“Everything does happen for a reason and we shouldn’t question it,” I fingered the collar of his shirt. “I’m done questioning why it happened, I’m ready to start moving on, I’m ready,” I took a deep breath, “to live again.”
A smile curved Jared’s lips. “There’s something I forgot to tell you,” he whispered.
“What’s that?” I questioned.
He leaned closer, steadying me with his solid hands on my sides. His lips brushed against my ear and I shivered. “I love you too, Katy.”