To the Moon and Back

Chapter 12




If you wanted to make grumpy Londoners talk to you, Ellie had discovered the answer. All you had to do was carry a huge cellophane-wrapped bouquet home from work.

‘Those for me, love?’ said the newspaper seller outside Brace House as she left the building on her last day there.

‘Ah, thanks, you shouldn’t have!’ a taxi driver yelled out of his window.

‘Cheers, darlin’, they’re my favorites,’ said a transport worker on the underground.

‘How did you know it was my birthday?’ beamed a stranger in the street.

It was like living in Mary Poppins world.

Actually, it made a nice change, having her final commute transformed into such a jolly affair. Maybe lugging flowers around wherever you went should be made compulsory. Reaching Nevis Street, Ellie let herself into the flat. Tony was already here; she could smell his Acqua di Parma cologne.

He came to greet her. ‘Hello, sweetheart. Are those for me? You didn’t need to do that.’ Delighted by his own wit, he relieved her of the cellophane-wrapped bouquet then gave her a warm hug. ‘You’re looking good.’

‘You too.’ Tony was over for a few days to meet with film producers and give a few interviews. It was lovely to see him again.

‘All settled in now?’

‘Completely. It’s brilliant here. And on Monday I start at Zack’s.’

‘Great. How was your leaving party?’

Ellie began unwrapping the flowers. ‘Emotional. Paula cried buckets. Everyone kept reminiscing about the past. They’re worried about how I’m going to cope without them. I just felt guilty because it was my decision to leave and I’m really looking forward to the new job.’ She had already told Tony this over the phone, but it bore repeating. ‘He still doesn’t know about Jamie, by the way. I’m not going to tell him.’

‘That’s fine.’ Tony nodded. ‘Don’t look so worried. Whatever’s easiest for you.’

He made coffee while she arranged the flowers in a bowl. Before heading out to meet the film producers, he told her about the project. ‘They’re pitching it as Lock, Stock meets Gavin and Stacey. They want me to play a lovable gangster who runs a line dancing club, keeps Chihuahuas, and has people shot if they annoy him.’

‘I’d watch that.’ Ellie snipped a couple of inches off the stem of a yellow gerbera. ‘So are you definitely going to do it?’

‘Maybe. We’d be on location in London, Cardiff, and Reykjavík. We’ll see.’ He added sugar to his coffee and stirred. ‘By the way, I had an email from Todd the other day. He’s living back here now.’

She concentrated on the flowers. ‘I know. He emailed me too.’

‘Have you seen him?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Don’t know.’ Ellie shrugged and snipped another stem. ‘Just haven’t.’

‘Do you hate him?’

‘Of course I don’t hate him!’

Tony backed off. ‘OK, no pressure. Just asking. So when am I going to meet this new friend of yours, then? The one who lives across the street?’

‘Whenever she can tear herself away from her new man. Or when he’s otherwise occupied.’ Unable to hide her disapproval, she added, ‘With his wife and baby.’

Tony said drily, ‘Oh dear.’

Damn, what was she saying? Ellie bit her tongue; it was common knowledge that Tony had been unfaithful while he’d been married to Jamie’s mother. Hastily she said, ‘Roo’s not had much luck with men. I don’t want to see her get hurt, that’s all.’

‘What’s he like?’

‘No idea. Fantastic, according to Roo. Who knows?’ The doorbell went and she felt a rush of relief; no more foot-in-mouth moments, no more talk of Todd. ‘There you go, that’ll be your car.’

***

At lunchtime on Saturday, Ellie caught the tube to Camden then headed along Parkway in the sunshine. Before leaving the flat earlier this morning to pay a visit to his tailor, Tony had said, ‘By the way, I’ve booked us a table at York and Albany. One o’clock.’ And when she’d protested that there was no need, she could rustle up something to eat here, he had shaken his head. ‘If I was staying in a hotel, we’d be meeting up somewhere decent for lunch, wouldn’t we? So let’s carry on doing that.’ Straight-faced, he’d added, ‘Not that your fried eggs on toast aren’t exquisite.’

He had a point. Tony enjoyed fine food and they both looked forward to eating out. As Ellie reached the restaurant, her stomach rumbled. She was ten minutes early, but maybe Tony was already here.

He wasn’t, yet. She made her way downstairs to the Ladies’, faffed about with her hair for a bit, and redid her lip gloss.

Heading back up the stairs, she saw a new arrival sitting at a table by the window. Her scalp prickled and her mouth went dry. Oh God, no. At that moment, alerted by the sound of her heels on the wooden floor, Todd turned to see why the footsteps had so abruptly stopped.

From the expression on his face it was clear he’d had no idea either. He was as shocked as she was. He looked older, more grown up. And he was wearing a dark green shirt and navy trousers that didn’t quite go. Gathering herself, Ellie loosened her hold on the banister rail and approached him.

‘Hello, Todd.’ Did she look older too?

‘Hi, Ellie.’ He rose awkwardly to his feet. ‘Fancy meeting you here.’

‘Well, I’m guessing this isn’t a coincidence. Tony asked me to meet him for lunch.’

Todd was evidently still wondering if he should try and give her a hug. ‘He asked me as well.’

Trust Tony to take matters into his own hands. And he wasn’t even here yet. Taking out her phone, Ellie called his number.

‘Hi, sweetheart. Is he there?’

‘Yes. Are you joining us?’

‘Ellie, just have lunch with him. Will you do that for me? And don’t worry about the bill.’ Tony’s voice was soothing. ‘All taken care of.’

‘You might live to regret that,’ said Ellie. ‘I’m going to be ordering the most expensive wine on the list.’ She hung up and looked at Todd. ‘He’s not coming. I can’t believe he’s done this.’

Todd eyed her with caution. ‘So what happens now?’

‘I don’t know.’ Ellie closed her eyes for a second, hating the fact that she’d been set up. This wasn’t a situation she wanted to be in. The last time it had happened had been during Jamie’s funeral, when all she’d wanted to do was escape from the church and run and run. That hadn’t been an option then, but it was now. If she really wanted, she could just walk out of here…

‘What’s that noise?’ Todd looked incredulous. ‘Is that your stomach?’

Stupid stomach, it was rumbling again like a cement mixer. She deliberately hadn’t had any breakfast. ‘I think I’m going to go home,’ said Ellie.

‘What did Tony say on the phone?’

‘He wants me to have lunch with you.’

Todd said steadily, ‘Why don’t you want to?’

Ellie’s toes curled. ‘I just… just…’

‘Hello!’ The head waiter smilingly approached them. ‘Your table’s ready if you’d like to come through.’

Todd raised his hand. ‘Actually, hang on, there may be a change of plan.’

OK, this was stupid. Todd was looking at her. The head waiter was waiting. The couple standing beside the bar were watching and listening…

Grrrrrowwwlllllll.

For crying out loud, had they heard that too? Had everyone in the restaurant heard it?

‘Fine.’ Ellie pressed her hand over her rumbling stomach in a futile attempt to muffle it. ‘Let’s eat.’

For the first five minutes they concentrated on the menu. Finally, when she’d learned it by heart and couldn’t stare at it a moment longer, Ellie said with a sigh, ‘Sorry.’

‘That’s OK.’ Todd put down his own menu. ‘Sorry about what?’

‘You know. Everything.’ A huge lump grew in her throat and she gazed down at the cutlery. ‘Today. The emails. Not wanting to see you. All of it.’

‘Do you know why you felt like that?’

‘Because I’m a horrible person.’

He shook his head. ‘Come on. You’re not.’

‘I am.’ The lump in her throat was expanding and the pretty waitress was coming over to take their order. Pushing back her chair, Ellie said hurriedly, ‘I’ll have the duck terrine and the risotto. Just give me a moment…’

She clattered downstairs for the second time, locked herself in a toilet cubicle, and wept silently until the other female customer left the bathroom and she could let out a series of honking great sobs in peace. It was a noisy, messy, undignified business, and it went on for some time, but there was no hope of stopping it. Like a toddler’s out-of-control tantrum, it just had to burn itself out.

God, what a state. Ellie eventually confronted her reflection in the mirror and winced. Puffy eyes and blotchy cheeks, just like old times. She hadn’t looked this bad in months. Rummaging in her bag, she found her all-in-one compact and trusty lip gloss.

OK, still moderately scary, but it would have to do. If she’d known this was going to happen beforehand, she’d have packed her mascara.

‘No need to say it,’ she told Todd, resuming her seat at the table. ‘I know.’

‘Sorry.’ He looked awkward.

‘Don’t be. It was just a bit overdue, that’s all. Anyway, I’m feeling better now. Did you order?’

Todd nodded.

She glanced around the restaurant, saw hastily averted eyes. ‘People are pretending not to look at me. I bet they’re trying to work out what’s going on over here.’

He managed a brief smile.

Ellie drank some water. It was no good, she had to say it. ‘Can I tell you why I’m a horrible person?’

‘Let me guess. Jamie’s gone and I’m still here. If one of us had to die, you wish it could have been me.’

Oh God. He knew.

‘Yes.’ Shamed, she nodded, her knees pressed tightly together beneath the table.

‘Ell, you think I hadn’t worked that out? From day one?’

‘Sorry. I tried not to.’ She felt like a wrung-out flannel. ‘But I couldn’t help it.’

‘And there was me, feeling guilty because I was still alive. Because why should I be? It’s not a good feeling,’ said Todd. ‘I knew I wasn’t better than Jamie. I didn’t deserve to be the one who was saved. I’ve asked myself that question a million times. Why me?’ His eyes were pain-filled, reflecting his anguish. ‘And the thing is, there’s no answer. So the guilt never goes away. My best friend isn’t here anymore and I miss him so much… and I still think that if only I’d turned up late instead of early that night, or if I’d gone for a walk around the block like Jamie told me to, the accident wouldn’t have happened.’

He’d been torturing himself with that too? Now Ellie was the one overcome with guilt. She reached across the table and took his hand. ‘Oh, Todd, I miss him too. But it wasn’t your fault.’ She squeezed his fingers to show she meant it and saw the beginnings of relief on his face. ‘It really wasn’t. And I’m not going to be a cow anymore, I promise.’

Their first course arrived and the atmosphere relaxed. Now that she’d confessed to having wanted him dead and Todd had forgiven her for it, the tension between them miraculously melted away. The food was delicious but they were too busy catching up to do it proper justice. Todd told her about life in Massachusetts and demonstrated his Boston accent, which made him sound like the confused love-child of Loyd Grossman and Dick Van Dyke. Although working there had been interesting, he’d only transferred in an effort to escape his grief. But that hadn’t been the answer and now he was back, ready to resume his London life, albeit this time without Jamie in it.

Then it was Ellie’s turn to tell him about Tony’s shock when he’d visited the Hammersmith flat, and his decision to buy the place in Nevis Street. ‘I feel guilty that I’m living somewhere so nice, all because Jamie died.’ She hadn’t actually admitted this to anyone before; it must be how people felt when they collected life insurance and discovered they could now afford a luxury holiday.

‘Tony did it because he wanted to. I bet it’s made him feel better,’ said Todd.

Maybe. Actually, she knew it was true. Their main courses arrived and Ellie described how trapped she’d felt at Brace House. ‘People were nicer to me than I deserved. I just never felt normal. It was like walking around with WIDOW spray-painted across my forehead. So from this Monday it’s a new job, a new boss, and a fresh start.’

They carried on eating and talking. She told Todd about Roo. In return he relayed how embarrassing it was, as a Brit in the States, to get into a tricky situation as a result of misunderstanding the meaning of the word pants.

Their wine glasses were refilled.

‘Do I look older?’ Ellie leaned closer, lifting her chin so he could see her better.

‘No.’ He smiled. ‘You’re exactly the same. Why?’

‘Because you look older. Sorry.’ She pulled a face. ‘Maybe it’s the haircut. You look… more like a grown-up.’

‘I am more like a grown-up. I’m more mature. I’ve even given up watching SpongeBob SquarePants.’

Encouraged by this flash of his old humor, Ellie said playfully, ‘So how about the girls in Boston? Meet any good ones? Meet any deranged enough to go out with you?’

‘Honestly? More than you’d think.’ Todd grimaced. ‘More than I was expecting, that’s for sure. It’s the British accent apparently. They’re mad for it. They think we’re all dead posh.’

‘So you’re telling me you were inundated with offers.’ Of course he had been; Todd was a catch. With his winning smile and cheery, laid-back attitude, what girl wouldn’t be attracted to him?

‘With offers.’ He nodded, holding back.

‘What does that mean?’

‘You want the truth? OK, I went out with one girl. For a few weeks. She was… fine. Nothing wrong with her. But I just couldn’t let myself get involved. Because I felt guilty. It wasn’t fair that I could still be doing all that stuff when Jamie couldn’t.’ Todd shrugged and said simply, ‘So I didn’t.’

‘Do the stuff?’

‘That’s right.’

‘You mean have the sex?’

‘Spot on.’

‘What, you didn’t even try?’

‘Didn’t want to try.’

‘And how did the girl feel about that?’

‘She was devastated, thought it was all her fault. Then when I told her about Jamie she thought maybe I was gay.’ Todd took a drink. ‘So I had to explain that I wasn’t. And after that I was a challenge. Girls were falling over themselves to seduce me. And the harder they tried, the more I backed off. Talk about weird.’ He shook his head. ‘I’ve never been so popular. Bloody typical that I didn’t get to take advantage of it. I bet Jamie was up there laughing his head off.’

How had she kept her distance from Todd for so long? He’d loved Jamie just as much as she had. Ellie said, ‘I bet he was too.’

He leaned towards her, lowered his voice. ‘Do you ever talk to him?’

Ellie’s stomach gave a squeeze. She nodded. ‘I do.’

‘Me too.’

She put down her fork. ‘Does he talk back?’

‘No.’ Todd looked bemused; the idea had evidently never occurred to him. ‘How can he? He’s dead.’

***

‘Still speaking to me, then?’ Tony greeted them on their return to the flat.

‘You did exactly the right thing.’ Ellie gave him a hug. ‘Thank you.’

He patted her on the shoulder. ‘I’m glad it worked out. Just call me Svengali. Todd, come here. Good to see you again.’

Leaving them to their reunion, Ellie went through to the kitchen and put the kettle on. When they rejoined her, she said, ‘More like fairy godmother, the way you’ve been sorting out my problems.’

‘Make the most of it, I’m only here until Wednesday.’ Tony pinched a biscuit out of the tin. ‘Oh, and your new boss rang earlier. Can you call him back?’

‘He’s changed his mind about taking you on. You’re sacked already,’ said Todd.

Ellie made the coffee, then phoned Zack.

‘Hi, just letting you know I’ve got a breakfast meeting at the Savoy on Monday morning, so don’t turn up at the house at nine. Make it ten instead. I’ll definitely be back by then.’

‘OK, fine. Thanks.’ This was the kind of message she liked to hear.

Zack cleared his throat. ‘Who was it who answered the phone when I called before?’

Ellie hesitated; why was he so interested? And to think it was women who were meant to ask all the questions. Anyway, it wasn’t as if he could have recognized Tony’s voice; it wasn’t that distinctive. Easily she said, ‘That was just my friend. Right, ten o’clock on Monday. Anything else I need to know?’

‘Not that I can think of.’ For a moment he sounded as if he did want to say something else but was keeping a lid on it. ‘Right, enjoy the rest of your weekend,’ Zack said abruptly. ‘I’ll see you then.’