This Star Won't Go Out

Esther-I give a lot of credit to a lot of different people for making the last four and a half years of my life as wonderful as they have been, but none of them deserve as much recognition as you. I’m not saying this because I think you are somehow better than everyone else in the world, although the argument could be made that you are, indeed, “better” than quite a large number of people. But I’ve heard people talk about you like that, as if you had reached some higher state of living before going away. And while I understand where they are coming from and where they see that, I’m not saying thank you simply because you were awesome or because you’re some kind of otherworldly God-like being. We all know you are awesome, and I think you probably would have been upset about the latter. So, no. That’s not it at all. But my life’s never been very good . . . and you took all of that, everything terrible that had happened, and you listened to them and you genuinely cared and you didn’t replace them but you brought a lot of incredible people that brought a lot of extraordinary experiences into my life. And suddenly, the bad things didn’t matter as much anymore because I had too many good things to let the bad get me down for too long.

I had never experienced something like that. It was a brand-new thing to me, having a community of people who genuinely liked and cared for me that I knew would be there at any given moment. You were the leader that marched into my life with a ton of similarly spectacular people following behind; people who became my family and real source of support, and I could never show enough appreciation for that. You are my friend, Esther, and I can’t tell you thank you because you’re gone now, but I hope that you knew how much I love you and how absolutely miserable my life would have continued to be if we had never met. You opened up the door to a world where I was allowed to be myself and be loved for it. So I will keep on trying to make my life the best possible version of itself and spreading love in all ways that I can because that is the best way I know to honor you. And I’ll keep the possibility of meeting you again in another stream of consciousness somewhere open.

I’m so glad to have met you. I am so glad to have had you around for any amount of time. And most of all, I am so beyond happy that I was lucky enough to have you call me a friend.

Love always,

DESTINY TARAPE




You were the first person from the Internet I ever met. I still can’t believe it. I would never change that day as long as I live. I owe you so much. I remember I was way too scared to talk to Catitude at first. So I just talked to you. A lot. You told me about your medical conditions before you told the group. I felt like you really trusted me. That’s when I knew I could trust you. I miss you a lot. But your memory lives on forever. It’s amazing the impact you left on the world. While you were still here I never would have expected this. I feel like sometimes I take our friendship for granted, I feel guilty for doing that but I know you would love that. I miss you every day and I thank you for all you did for me before and even today.

—SIERRA SLAUGHTER




One of the worst things about losing someone young—and this goes doubly for losing a friend—is the sense that some kind of potential has gone unfulfilled. Esther doesn’t/wouldn’t have to worry about this: I am sure there are things she would like to have done on Earth instead of the between space where the beloved go (it’s not for me to speculate on life after death although I believe pretty strongly there is one [haha, whoops, speculated]), but just by being herself and making good friends she’s managed to impact a whole lot of lives in a profound way.

Looking back to when I first met Esther, I thought that she was very popular and outgoing and that she was much older and wiser than what you would think a young teenager should be. The more I grew to know her I became surprised how a mostly bedridden girl could be so warm and understanding to the sympathies of others. Esther was so wise that she seemed to only inhabit the body of a teenager as a temporary stage of a larger life span beyond the friend we knew. It seems almost ironic now that her story has reached so many and inspired people to hold on to her that she may not be forgotten. In this way its as if she gets to live out the rest of her life afterall, through us.

—PAUL HUBER