This Star Won't Go Out

“We all had that,” Katy said. “We all did that together. We all suffered through the next few months, few years, waiting for our open wounds and our hearts to heal. And we had each other to piece together the confusing parts about love and loss and grief through the Internet. What do you do when the funeral is a $700 plane ride away? When John Green made a video about your friend, and people are grieving who didn’t even know her? How do you grieve when no one in your family, none of your teachers, no one in your town knows about a girl in Boston who died of cancer?”


The pain was unbearable, and yet we got through it together, as much as you can “get through” such a loss. Everyone who had been at Make-A-Wish made it to the funeral, plus a few others. Wayne hugged me and told me he was sorry, that he wished we weren’t meeting again in this way. The trip was simultaneously healing and scarring. It was something we needed to experience.

Katy continued, “A large chunk of Catitude came together for LeakyCon [in 2011], a Harry Potter convention. Esther was supposed to be there, but it was the first time so many of us were together in person after her passing. And we grieved like none other, but we also laughed like none other, and danced, and ate, and had panic attacks. It was amazing and beautiful and stressful—I’m not gonna tell you that trying to keep sixteen people together for a week in a different state wasn’t stressful. But being together made it worth it. We were still friends, without Esther, but she was still present. The mark she left on all of us wasn’t going anywhere.”

Years later our friendship remains strong. We’re so lucky to have found one another, this support system of nerds with the same terrible sense of humor. People have said they feel Esther alive in us. I hope that’s true. I know I always carry her with me, and to have a piece of her grace shine through me is a gift I will continually strive to earn.

—LINDSAY BALLANTYNE




One of the greatest gifts Esther gave me was something she never even knew she gave me. It goes back to a conversation we had early on in our friendship. We were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up. At the time I was premed and told her I was planning on going to medical school to become a doctor. By this point in our friendship, I had known she was sick, and we had talked a bit about everything she had been through. I knew how much she loved her doctors and nurses for keeping her alive, and she thought it was so cool that I wanted to follow in a similar direction. I wish I knew her exact words from this conversation, but honestly, I don’t think her words were as important as the effect they had on me. Her words touched my heart. She made me feel proud of my career aspirations. Just the thought of her thinking my becoming a doctor was the coolest thing has continued to inspire me time and time again and has helped me get through the grueling science-heavy course load of being premed. I ended up deciding not to go to medical school for various reasons, but chose to go to optometry school instead. Even so, I don’t know if I would have continued on the path to become a doctor had it not been for Esther and her support. There have been many times over the past few years where I was ready to give up and follow a different path, but each time it was Esther’s voice in my head that gave me the motivation to keep going and she still remains with me in everything I do.”

—ARIELLE ROBERTS




Oh, Esther. I could never explain how much I miss you. But every ounce of grief and pain has been worth it a thousand times over. Thank you for introducing me to Catitude. Thank you for the nights spent laughing about butts and other silly things. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being beautiful, and for being honest. Thank you for the purest, most unconditional love I’ve ever seen. The burden of grief is heavy, but you gave me enough love and joy to get through anything.

Thank you for everything, E. I love you so, so much.

—KATIE TWYMAN




I don’t notice you’re gone, until I think about you. And then I realize that I’ll never have a conversation with you again. I’ll only hear the laughs preserved in your YouTube videos. And that’s a pale imitation for the real thing.

When loved ones die, people always say, “Don’t be sad. I’m sure they would have wanted you to be happy.”

I’m sure that’s true. But let’s be realistic here, people also want to be missed. It is every person’s nightmare to leave the world behind as if they had never been there at all.

But you don’t need to worry about that Esther. You made a lasting impression on so many people, and we’re not likely to stop missing you anytime soon.


You put up a really brave fight, Esther. You did so amazing. You lived so much life in so few years. You changed so many lives in so few years.

Esther Grace Earl, I will love you forever. I feel so proud and lucky to have actually been friends with you.

—MANAR HASEEB