Chapter Thirteen
“Ouch.” I cry, banging my arm on the side.
I give it a quick rub then resume pulling on my jeans. Trying to change in a small cubicle in the girls’ bathroom at school isn’t exactly what I’d planned during my pre-meeting planning session with Maddie last night. I’d got it all sorted: take the bus home after school, change, grab something to eat so my stomach doesn’t rumble, and get Mom to take me into town. Simple. And nothing could possibly go wrong.
So I thought. What I didn’t bank on was the freakin’ Principal asking all the Student Committee reps to meet him in the hall after school for a quick run through of what he expects of us. Like we need to be told how to behave and stuff. I don’t think so.
Lucky for me when I phoned Mom she agreed to bring my jeans and shirt to school at lunchtime or it would have been a nightmare—although she did take a bit of persuading. Imagine if I’d had to go in my uniform. At the moment all Ryan knows is I live around here. Who knows what might happen if he finds out where I go to school. Though I suppose if he really wanted to find me it wouldn’t be hard as he’s bound to see who I hang out with, we go to Starbucks so often. All he’d need to do is ask one of them, on the pretence of me leaving something there.
My other problem is getting out of school without being seen. School regulations state we have to be in school uniform all the time until we get home. I reckon they have an easier time in prison than we do here sometimes. Especially with all these silly rules. Like who cares if I take my tie off after school?
When I’m ready—well ready in the loosest sense, my hair’s beyond fixing so all I can do is scrape it back and hope I don’t look too stupid—I peer out of the door and make a run for it. My heart’s pounding so loudly in my ears I swear the Principal will hear it in his office. The corridors are empty. Even so, I daren’t breathe until I get out of the back door and run down the side of the building and I’m in the street. If any teacher sees me now I can say I’ve already been home.
I stand still for a moment and take a few deep breaths. I need to appear calm and in control, whatever I feel like inside. If Ryan sees me all flustered and stressed out he’ll think he can do what he likes.
The walk to Victoria Park takes about ten minutes and when I get close to the entrance my calmness evaporates and my stomach begins to churn. I feel so sick, I’m not sure I can go through with it. My hands are all sweaty so I wipe them down the sides of my jeans. I’m scared. Not only that I’ve totally forgotten what Maddie and I planned I’d say. I’m not going. I can’t. I’ll go back home and risk Ryan dropping me in it.
***
“Geez Suzy. What is it with you? I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.” I knew Maddie would be angry. Hardly surprising. I could throttle myself too.
“I couldn’t do it. My brain froze. Couldn’t remember anything we’d planned, so I came home.” I kick off my shoes and lay down on my bed. “I feel so bad.”
“How far away is it? If you went straight back he might be still waiting for you.”
“It’s nearly five. He’s hardly going to wait for an hour is he?”
“I suppose not.” She pauses. “I wish I was with you. At least then you’d have gone. The only thing you can do is go to Starbucks next time he’s working and arrange to meet him again.”
“What’s the point? I’ll leave it. Let him do his worst.” I bite on my bottom lip.
“And totally screw up your life. That’s not such a good idea. Don’t worry,” her voice drops and is much softer. “It’ll work out. You’ve got out of far bigger scrapes than this in the past.”
“I have?” That’s news to me.
“Okay. Maybe not this big, but something will happen and you’ll be fine. I have a good feeling about this.” Oh great. Now suddenly she’s admitting to having feelings when in the past she’s totally denied being able to see things.
“Whatever. Well one thing’s for sure I’m never going to be able to do my homework tonight. Couldn’t concentrate on anything even with a gun to my head.”
“Will you stop it. It’s not natural to hear you worrying about homework. It’s too weird.” I can’t help but grin. She’s so right. It is weird.
“Suzy,” I hear Mom calling.
“Hang on Maddie. Yes Mom?”
“Someone to see you,” she says poking her head around the door.
“Is it Lori? Send her up.”
“No it’s a boy.” Oh no, not Guy I am so not up to pretending everything is okay. “Ryan.”
My stomach hits the floor and shoots back up again. I hold onto the edge of the bed for support.
“I won’t be a minute,” I somehow manage to say as Mom turns away, closing the door behind her. “Maddie, did you hear—”
“Yes. Shit, Suzy. No escaping him now.” She gives a hollow laugh but I can’t respond because my breathing is becoming decidedly labored. I think I’m in the throes of a major panic attack. “Suzy, are you okay? You sound like you’re choking or something. Hold your breath, count to ten and then breathe.”
I do as she says and somehow my breathing sort of returns to normal.
“I’m fine now. I think,” I say still wheezing a bit. “Just got a bit weird for a moment.” I take another huge breath. “Okay. What the hell am I going to say?”
“If you can remember what we said last night great, if not then say the first thing that comes into your head. You’ll be good. I have every faith in you.” Glad someone has. “Go now before you totally freak. And phone me as soon as he’s gone. Good luck.”
I drop my phone onto the bed and force myself out of my bedroom and downstairs to the living room, where I assume Mom has taken him. The closer I get to the room the harder my heart pounds. And my tongue is stuck fast to the roof of my mouth it’s so dry up there.
Standing outside, I swallow, take a deep breath, and then push open the door. Ryan is sitting as relaxed as anything on the green leather sofa, with Mom opposite looking just as comfortable.
What I wouldn’t give to be on an island in the Caribbean at this precise moment.
“Hello,” I squeak, my voice sounding decidedly mouse-like.
Ryan jumps up from his seat, closely followed by Mom.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Mom says. “Good to meet you Ryan. Let me know if you want anything to eat or drink.” She smiles and leaves, closing the door behind her.
Thank goodness she didn’t hang around. Though she could be listening at the door.
“I waited for ages. Why didn’t you turn up?” Ryan’s accusing tone draws me from my thoughts.
“Um—well—you see the Principal called a meeting for the new Student Liaison Committee members and he went on for ages and I thought you’d have left. So I came home.” Phew. It’s amazing how much easier it is when you tell the truth.
“Really?” What? Doesn’t he believe me? “You on a student committee. I don’t think so.”
“I am. Truth. I’m not me any more. I mean I am me, clearly, but not the same me you knew before if you get what I mean. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You see things have changed and—” I stop and draw in a breath before I pass out as I’m feeling all light-headed.
“Stop.” Ryan holds up his hand. “Slow down. I didn’t get any of that apart from you’re not you but you are or something.”
“Sorry. Let’s sit down.” I gesture to the sofa and we both drop down onto it. Not too close though. It’s a large sofa, you can easily get four people on it, and we both sit right into our respective corners. Calmness engulfs me. It will be fine. I just know it.
“Tell me again,” Ryan says.
“I’m not the girl you knew before. Things have happened and I’ve changed.”
“What things?”
“Just things.” I pause for a moment while thoughts of Rosie and our past life flash through my mind.
Though it seems more like a dream than anything else, so much has happened since. More than any person my age should have to go through. I have the strongest urge to tell Ryan about Rosie, which is weird when you think I avoid mentioning it at all costs to everyone else. But if it’s going to help him understand what I’m doing then it’s the right thing to do. Anyway, if he’s anything like the Ryan he was before he’ll understand.
“My sister had an accident, and she died,” I hitch in a breath. Tears fill my eyes and one drops onto my lap. Ryan slides along the sofa, until he’s next to me, and rests his hand on top of mine, but I quickly pull it away on the pretence of wiping my eyes. His touch sent a shock right through me, even though I’m upset. It’s all way too confusing.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, obvious concern in his voice. “I remember how much she meant to you. You used to talk about her all the time. She was called Rosie wasn’t she?” I nod. “If it helps to talk about it I’m a good listener.” Oh no. It’s the understanding voice.
“Thanks.” I sniff, giving a resigned smile through my tears. “But talking won’t bring her back. Won’t change what I did.” Shit. Where did that come from?
“What did you do?” His eyebrows draw together in a frown.
If I tell him and he hates me for it I don’t know what I’ll do. But if I don’t tell him he won’t understand how important it is for me to keep up my charade at school. To quote one of Mom’s favorite sayings: I’m between a rock and a hard place.
What would Rosie have done? That’s a no brainer. She’d have told him everything. She always said it was best to be upfront with people. Okay. I’m not at Rosie’s level yet, so I’ll tell him only what’s necessary. He doesn’t need to know everything.
“When Rosie died it was like my world came to an end. You see it was my fault. I—” My voice cracks, taking me by surprise. I lean forward and rest my head on my knees.
“You said it was an accident,” Ryan says. “How can an accident be your fault?”
I turn my head to the side so I can see him.
“It was my present,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “The helicopter she died in. That exploded with her onboard. I gave Rosie the ride as a present for her birthday.”
“Suzy,” Ryan says putting his arm across my shoulders. “You can’t blame yourself for that. These things happen. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Try telling Mom that. When I told her about the present she asked me not to give it to Rosie because it was too dangerous. But I didn’t listen. Mom’s scared of flying, so of course she’d be worried.” I sit up, his arm still around me and lean into him. We fit so well together. Crap, did I just think that? I pull away. “And Rosie was so thrilled when I gave her the present. I knew I’d made the right decision. Knew I’d given her something she’d remember for the rest of her life. What life?”
“Suzy, stop. You can’t blame yourself.”
“Why not? Everyone else does.” I bite so hard on my bottom lip I taste blood.
“They told you that, did they?”
“Didn’t have to. It was written all over their faces. You don’t know. You weren’t there.”
This is crazy. Wallowing in self pity isn’t going to resolve anything. I jump up from the sofa and go stand by the French windows. I peer into the garden then turn to face Ryan. “Whatever. It’s in the past. I’ve started a new life. I can’t bring Rosie back, but I can do what it takes to make my parents proud and not be any more trouble.” I fold my arms and lean against the window.
“And how do I fit into all this? I’m assuming that’s why you asked to see me.”
“I don’t want anyone to know about us.”
“Why not? What difference does it make?” He frowns, then suddenly an ‘I get it’ expression crosses his face. “It’s because I don’t go to your elite school, isn’t it?”
“You know where I go to school?”
“I recognized the guy you were with the other night. He played football at our school a few weeks ago and he’s also been hanging around giving out leaflets for this strange Virginity Club thing he’s involved in. He didn’t get many takers though.” He laughs. “Many at your school join?”
The blood rushes to my head faster than a speeding train and Ryan’s jaw literally drops.
“Suzy, don’t tell me you’ve joined.” I nod. “But you can’t.”
I clench and unclench my fists. “No-one there knows I don’t qualify. Please don’t say anything. I’ll do anything. I mean it. Anything. Just please don’t tell.” Ryan shakes his head an incredulous expression on his face.
“Why did you do it?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.” His voice is firm, but his eyes are kind. That was one of the things I always loved, I mean liked, about him. His kind eyes. But I can’t tell him the real reason. I’ve confided too much in him, as it is.
“Because everyone else is in it and I didn’t want to be left out. Please say you won’t tell. It will totally wreck everything if you do.”
“And you’ll do anything to buy my silence?”
Geez. The way he said anything and that scary twinkle in his eye. I just know he’s going to make me sleep with him again.
But I can’t.
But I have to.
But that would be a disaster.
What the hell am I going to do?
Maddie, help.
“I said so didn’t I?” But let me tell you if you force me to sleep with you again it will eradicate all the good memories I have of you from before. Not that you probably care.
“This is the deal,” he finally says, fixing me with a stare that makes me squirm. I hold my breath, bracing myself for the inevitable. “The price for my silence is,” he pauses a moment. He sure knows how to milk situations for all they’re worth. “The price for my silence—is—you—go out with me.”