The Saddest Song

Chapter 6

Rainey

At dinner that night I felt my parents silently communicating over my bowed head as I pushed my roasted vegetables and grilled chicken around on my plate. I concentrated on arranging it to make it look like I was actually eating some of it. My silence was wearing on them I knew and there was some part of me that felt bad, but not bad enough to change the behavior. Today’s events had exhausted and confused and comforted me in varying degrees and my energy was depleted. Tomorrow I would try to make them feel better. Tonight it just wasn’t possible.

“Rainey,” Mom said with fake enthusiasm. “We need to get our back to school shopping done. School starts soon and I thought you might like to ask Caitlynn to join us.”

“I don’t need anything Mom. I have plenty of clothes.” I kept my eyes down, pushing around my now cold food.

“Well, you need a backpack, and we always buy a new wardrobe and shoes. It is a tradition.”

“Mom, I’m a senior now. We can let go of the tradition. I have a backpack and it is perfectly fine. I have a lot of clothes. I don’t need anything.” I wanted to say that I wanted to use the backpack that Garrett had carried on his shoulder all last year and wear the clothes he had seen and touched. I wanted to tell them that I didn’t want to have things that he would never see. I wanted to say these things but I knew it would worry them more.

“Well then, maybe you don’t need anything Lamb, but wouldn’t it cheer you up to go on a shopping spree?” Dad said, trying to help mom out.

“No Dad, I’m really not up to it. I’m finished. Thank you anyway, Mom.” I stood up and carried my plate to the sink, watching as the food disappeared into the garbage disposal. I gave them both a smile that felt phony and forced. I said goodnight and retreated back to my room, feeling stricken when I saw my clock announcing 7:03. I glanced at the M&M’s still arranged in a smile and wondered if he was here now, or over at his house, or gone forever. And if indeed he was here right now, what good would it do if I couldn’t see him, feel him, breathe him?

I thought about calling Max, but decided against it. I was relying more and more on him as the days went by and how fair was that? Max had his own problems to deal with, and his parents on top of it. I needed to rely on myself but I craved his calm presence and the way he made me feel better, less alone. Maybe it was because he was Garrett’s twin. I didn’t really think that was it though. Max was just like that. He could always make you calm down and see things a little clearer. Once when Garrett and I had a fight I had started crying and went into the bathroom between the twins’ rooms. Garrett was upset too and left me to my tears, but Max had coaxed me in to opening up the door and had helped me get a grip and realize how silly the argument was. When I returned to Garrett and worked it all out I remember how he had leaned his head into Max’s room and said, “Hey thanks bro,” as we left arm in arm.

The following night I was in my room moping. It had been just dad and me for dinner and he had brought home my favorite, quesadillas from Alberto's, a hole- in- the wall taco shop that we love. I still had no appetite and the day had been sad because Garrett’s mom wanted us to help her sort through his clothes and decide what to keep and what should be donated or given to friends. We all ended up so emotional and so unable to choose that I had come home with his favorite jacket and my three favorite shirts and all the rest got put back exactly where we had found them. Max told us it was too soon. It was never going to be a task I could help with and I told them not to even tell me when they actually gave things away. I sat at the dinner table telling my dad about it and he just started to cry. Seeing my dad cry was just horrifying enough to start me crying again. Dad apologized over and over.

“Lamb, I am so sorry, but it just really hit me that this tragedy is real. I keep expecting Garrett to walk in and start telling me about his football practice or ask me to shoot hoops in the driveway. I just can’t make sense out of such a loss.”

Neither of us had been able to eat a thing and I left dad to wrap up the food to put in the fridge as I retreated to my room. I put on Garrett’s jacket and curled up on my bed when I heard the sound of voices coming up the stairs.

Mom and Caitlynn came through my doorway, each of them with their arms full of shopping bags. They smiled cheerfully and dumped the bags on the end of the bed.

“What is all this?” I asked, as I rose to hug each of them.

“This is your back to school wardrobe!” Mom gave me her stubborn look, daring me to argue with her. “I picked up Caitlynn and we spent the afternoon shopping. I knew you weren’t up to it and I know you are going through hell right now, but I am your mom and I can at least help you get prepared for your senior year.”

“Rainey, check these out, you will love them!” Caitlynn pulled out at least a dozen items from a bag and began to hold up dresses, shorts, and tops. Opening another bag she showed me new tennis shoes and sandals and even a cute pair of black heels. If I had been my old happy self I would have been gushing at the array of cute clothing, but I was barely able to muster a reply now.

Seeing their expectant, hopeful faces I did not have the heart to hurt either of them. “Thank you for helping my mom, Cait. You are so sweet, I love it all.”

“Look at this Rainey, how cute are these dresses?” Mom held up four more dresses and I was thinking how I had never gotten this many items at once in my entire life. I guess this was the only way my mom thought she could cheer me up. Caitlynn held up two pairs of jeans and a backpack before the show was over. “I couldn’t have done any of this without Caitlynn , she was amazing. She knows everything you like and all of your sizes. If you need to return any of it just put it back in the bag and I will take it back for you.”

“Thank you,” I said, meaning it. Mom came over and kissed me and smiled a self satisfied smile. I could tell she felt better taking charge of something. She always needed to fix people and I was pretty stubborn about being fixed.

“Rainey, do you want to be alone or can I stay for awhile?”Caitlyn asked thoughtfully.

“Stay. Please. I’ve missed you,” I said, trying to sound sincere. She had a skeptical look on her face but she sat down on the bed and my mom waved as she left us to talk.

“Do you really like it all or are you just humoring your mom?”

“No, I love it. I just feel weird wearing clothes that Garrett will never see me in. I know that sounds crazy, but he was with you and I when I bought nearly all my clothes and I don’t want to wear new things.”

“Garrett would love all of these on you and you know it. He would not be happy to see you so sad. Live for him and be happy for him if you can’t do it for yourself.”

“I will try, but it is so hard Cait.”

“The way I see it is that none of us has any choice. Garrett is gone and he will be missed more than anything, but school starts in a week and we have to be there. There’s nothing wrong with looking good while you miss him. Looking sad and gaunt won’t bring him back. What it will do is make you a target for gossip and you know how you’d hate that. You need to eat and you need to act normal. Maybe if you act normal then one day you might feel normal again.”

“Cait, you are always so practical. Max is looking scary skinny too, so we must look like a couple of freaks to other people. That is the last thing we need, having people talking about us behind our backs. I never even thought about that.”

Caitlynn nodded thoughtfully as she watched her words sink in, and I bit my lip as I considered the steps I could take to remedy this fact.

“I have a quesadilla downstairs, want to share it?” She smiled with a nod again, looking happy with herself for talking some sense into me. I smiled because I was happy I still had her.





Max

School was only two days away and I sensed Rainey’s growing anxiety as it approached. Trying to distract her and myself, I decided to see if she would like to spend the day at the beach. A large group of us had begun the summer going at least a couple of days a week, but since the accident we had stayed indoors like vampires hiding from the sun. Mom told me she would fix us a picnic and I sat at the kitchen table and watched her fill the cooler with enough food for a dozen people.

When I pulled the truck into her driveway Rainey was already outside waiting. She was wearing a bright yellow sundress and had a huge wicker beach bag on her shoulder.

“Hey Rainey,” I said as she climbed into the truck.

“Hey! This was a great idea. A day at the beach sounds like fun. It’s a perfect day for it.” Her voice sounded a little too cheery, and I could tell she was trying too hard.

“Rainey, we live in San Diego. Every day is perfect for the beach. It’s okay not to be excited about it.”

She laughed. “Max you know me way to well. I almost cancelled ten times.”

“I figured. But it will be a good thing. We need a change of scenery, don’t you think?”

“And you knew I needed a distraction because…”

“You’re stressed out about going back to school. Are you really that worried about it? The worst thing that can happen is just everyone will be talking about the worst thing that already did happen.”

“Exactly.” She threw her head back and groaned. “ I don’t want to go!”

“Well, in the scheme of things it seems pretty uneventful to me.”

“I just feel like I will be so exposed. I want to hide and lick my wounds.”

“Well, unfortunately you’re not a cat. But if it helps I will be there to deflect some of the unwanted attention.”

“I know that. It’s just that I keep wondering what Garrett would do if I had died instead. I know he would have survived so much easier.”

“Rainey, stop. That’s not true, and it’s not what happened.”

“I know Max, my mind just keeps going off on tangents all its own.”

“I hear ya. I think it’s happening to all of us.” I pulled into the parking lot and we both watched for a space. We got lucky with someone leaving and soon we were spreading our towels out on the warm sand. I grabbed the sunscreen and began to apply it to my chest while Rainey removed her dress. She was wearing the white bikini that she had worn at the beginning of the summer and I winced at the way her perfect figure had become all jutting hip bones and ribs. She had lost so much weight and she hadn’t had any to spare in the first place. I rubbed the coconut scented lotion over my own protruding ribs and thought we looked like the holocaust survivors I had seen in my history book.

“Max, you are so obvious. We look awful. Thank goodness nobody is with us. We are going to have to go on an In and Out Diet and drink chocolate shakes and eat burgers until we get back to normal weigh before we have to go to school. Hope your mom packed something fattening for this picnic.’”

“Don’t most girls have fantasies about eating anything they want?”

“Not this one.” She pushed her hair off her face, straightened her sunglasses and relaxed into the sand.

“Well, it could be a way to make our folks happy. Mom and her after school baked goods will fatten us up and put a smile on her face. Win-win.” Rainey smiled and for just a moment I felt like I’d won a prize.