The Saddest Song

Chapter 4

Rainey

There was a note waiting for me when I got home. Mom was taking Grandma out to do some errands and would be home by five o’clock. Dad was at work and would arrive at his usual time of 5:30. I was grateful for the silence and solitude and headed to my room. Sitting at my desk, I decided to turn on my computer for the first time since the accident. I was astounded by the messages awaiting me. Love and support from friends, acquaintances, and total strangers. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn’t bring myself to go on the “ Garrett- We love you forever!” page someone had created. I logged off and opened the M&M’s, spilling some into my palm. I just stared at them until my vision blurred and I dropped them onto my desk watching them spin and scatter and come to a stop. I left them like that and put the blue paper clip back on the bag.

I stood up slowly, feeling suddenly exhausted and wondered what to do with myself. I couldn’t come up with a thing so I lay down on my unmade bed and simply waited for the oblivion of sleep. Sleep was the only break I had from my pain and I thankfully did not have to wait long for it to rescue me.

I woke up forty five minutes later feeling groggy and confused until the memory of Garrett flooded my mind once again. Pain seared my chest and I didn’t know where to go to escape it. What could I do? I could only sleep so long in the daytime or I would become an insomniac in the night. I stood up and stretched and headed toward my bathroom when something on my desk caught my eye and froze me in my tracks. Shouting for my parents I waited wordlessly until I realized that neither of them were home yet. I was alone. I slowly moved closer to my desk and stared at the M&M’s I had scattered across it earlier. They were still there, only now they were arranged in the shape of a perfect heart.

I reacted on instinct, wanting to reach out and tell Max what I was seeing. I grabbed my cell phone, almost dropping it as it simultaneously vibrated alerting me that I had a new text message. Still staring at the M&M’s, my heart raced erratically and my hands shook as I looked down to read the text. Maybe it was from Max. I blinked several times and reread it over and over as my brain tried to process what was spelled out across the screen.

I could not comprehend what I was seeing. Not the candy, not the text. I was hallucinating. I had finally cracked and now I was insane. My grief had consumed me and taken me to the brink of madness. I began to shake everywhere and leaned toward the foot of the bed, falling on the pillow top mattress as I grew light headed and tiny grey specks clouded my vision. I closed my eyes tight and fought to breathe deep and even, struggling against the purest panic I had ever felt. In and out, in and out I breathed until I got a grip on my sanity and slowly opened my eyes. I glanced down at my cell phone again, hoping that what I saw earlier hadn’t been a sign I was going nuts. I had to have imagined it because I missed Garrett so much. But when I looked at the words and read them over nothing had changed.

Was someone playing a joke? I tried to respond to the message asking “Who is this?” but my phone said the number was out of service. I checked the number and recognized that yes it was Garrett’s number. Could someone else have accessed his cell phone number? Even if they had, how would they know that I thought I had killed him? How would they know about the candy I had brought home today? There had to be a reasonable explanation for what was happening here. It was impossible, but it was undeniable. I had a text message and it was from Garrett.

You are only guilty of making me fall in love with you. The accident was not your fault. Eat those M&M’s for me. I love you.





Max

Time has a way of passing no matter what crap you are dealing with, and every day I felt even farther from Garrett. But I was glad that the freshness of the shock was less and the acceptance of the unacceptable was more. I kept my emotions on a fairly even keel and it helped. There were only a few things that happened to rattle my composure. The first time I had felt a hand on my shoulder I chalked it up to grief and exhaustion, the second time I was just plain freaked out.

I had been playing my guitar. Nothing unusual there, it was basically the only thing I was doing these days. I thought I heard mom or dad in Garrett’s room so I went in to check on them and saw that his Xbox was on. His favorite game was on the TV screen. His bedroom door was still closed so I went out into the hall and called my mom.

“Yeah, Sweetie?” mom shouted from downstairs in the family room.

“Is dad here?”

“Right here buddy. Whatcha need?” Dad’s voice replied, also from downstairs.

My knees went weak and I yelled. “Nothing. Just wondering what you guys were doing.”

“Our movie is just starting. Want to join us?” Mom yelled back.

“No thanks, I’m good,” I replied, glad my voice hid my fear.

I walked back into Garrett’s room and stopped dead, chills running up my spine. The TV was off, as was the Xbox. I walked quickly back to my room wondering if I were crazy. If I wasn’t crazy, what was happening? I decided I was hallucinating and prayed it was a onetime thing. I told no one, not even Rainey. If she had to deal with me being nuts too she might disappear and I needed her. She was my life raft.

Nothing happened for a few days and I began to believe I had imagined it all when the strangest text appeared on my phone. Rainey was stretched out on my futon reading a book and I was sitting on the floor, pages of lyrics scattered around me. My phone had been pretty active with both friends of my brother and mine checking up on me. So when it vibrated on the carpet next to me I absentmindedly grabbed for it. I read it, blinked in confusion, and read it again.

You’re doing a great job Maxwell. She’s beautiful, isn’t she?

Maxwell? Only one person in the world called me that. It wasn’t even my name. I was simply Max, but Garrett would call me that when we were little to tease me. I looked for the return number but it was Garrett’s and I knew his phone line was gone, as was his cell phone. It had been destroyed in the accident. I must have been staring for several minutes when Rainey spoke.

“Max, what is it?”

I looked up startled by the alarm on her face and hoped my face looked calm. “Nothing, sorry.” I quickly put the phone down and hoped she couldn’t tell my hands were shaking.

“Who was it?” She questioned me.

“It was for someone else. Kind of confused me for a minute. Hey, are you hungry yet?”

Happily I distracted Rainey, and as we sat and ate our lunch I stared across the table at my brother’s girlfriend and thought to myself, “yeah bro, she is beautiful.”