The Saddest Song

Chapter 11

Rainey

Later that night as I lay in bed, I realized that this was the first night in forever that I actually felt like myself. Not completely, maybe. There had been moments when I had thought of Garrett and felt the usual ache, but overall, I felt more normal, even happy at a few points throughout the night. I was torn now lying here about whether this was wrong. Was it too soon for me to feel good again? Was I betraying Garrett by going out and having fun when he would never get to do so again?

I had no way of knowing what was right or wrong when it came to surviving this loss. If Garrett were here what would he say? If I had died and he was still alive would he have gone tonight? I thought about this and honestly didn’t know. I couldn’t picture him sad and mourning me. He was so happy and always needed friends around him. I thought of the predatory girls at school and how they would have loved to have stolen him from me. Many of them had tried. If I had died I can only imagine the line of girls waiting to offer him their sympathy, and more.

I stopped my train of thought abruptly. This wasn’t helping. I was trying to walk a line between holding on and letting go. A lot of it I had absolutely no control over. Love doesn’t let you have a lot of say. It just happens. Garrett was my first love and I knew he would be in my heart always. When I was an old woman I would still love and miss him. I was sure of this. But would I always be alone? Would I never get to be a wife or mother or a grandmother? Would I miss out on it all because my soul mate died when I was 17? I could see myself finding a career I loved and having pets and friends to fill the emptiness. Max would get married someday and I could be an honorary aunt to his kids. Caitlynn’s too. I could have a good life alone. I would try to. I would be okay, right? I yawned and stopped my musings about the dismal future ahead of me. I closed my eyes and retreated to the only peace I still could count on: sleep.

The dream began simply. I was sitting at a concert in the same venue I had been at just a few hours before. But instead of Mark or Colin, Max was sitting on the stage with his guitar. “This next song is a very special one. It was written by my brother Garrett for his girlfriend, Rainey. It’s called “Go on without me.”

As he strummed the guitar my heart jumped in my chest as I tried to hear the words. Garrett? Garrett is dead. I was thinking that even if he were alive, Garrett had never written a song. He certainly couldn’t write one now.

My confusion made me miss the lyrics and as I looked around me I saw that I was the only one in the audience. Max finished singing and then picked up his guitar and went back stage. I stood, opening my mouth to call out to Max, when I heard a voice behind me.

“Rainey.”

I stood still. I didn’t turn around.

“Rainey,” he said again. Still, I could not make myself turn around. I was frozen.

“Rainey, don’t be afraid. It’s me.” I knew who “me” was. I had longed to hear that voice. I was afraid I had forgotten the sound of it, but of course I hadn’t. Still, I couldn’t turn. I was afraid. I was hopeful.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay. I’m still me.” His hand on my shoulder gently turned me around until my eyes flooded with tears at the sight of him. Garrett stood there looking whole and real and alive. He was perfect. He reached out and pulled me into his arms and I sobbed against his shoulder, my tears soaking the shirt he wore, my fingers clutching him tightly, lest he try to leave. I couldn’t think, only feel. I felt overwhelmed that he felt so warm and safe. He was mine and I was his and I needed to stay here. Here in this dream in his arms, forever. Could I stay forever?

“Shhhhh… Rainey, it’s okay. Stop crying, baby. I haven’t got a lot of time and I need to talk to you. I need to know that you are listening.”

“You’re still dead?” I managed to say through my tears.

“Yes, sweetheart. That isn’t going to change.” He put his hands on my wet cheeks, wiped the tears away with his thumbs, and looked deeply into my eyes. “Rainey, you need to hear this. I am okay. You are too. We will always love each other but it’s time for us to realize that we can’t be together anymore. I have to go. You have to live. Go live a full, busy, happy, messy life. Love someone else. It won’t hurt me. It won’t erase us. I want to see you in love and happy once again.”

“But, I can’t. I only want you.”

“You can and you will. It was meant to be. We weren’t.”

He looked at me sadly. “Now go love again. Do it for me. I will check in on you now and then, and I want to see my old smiling Rainey. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for me.”

He kissed me then, gently and pulled away slowly, taking my left hand in his and sliding the ring off of it.

“No! Garrett, don’t leave me. Give me back my ring.”

He smiled and said, “I love you Rainey, but it’s time. You will be fine, you’ll see.” Then he simply began to fade away until I was standing alone in the concert venue wondering what to do.

Calling his name I awoke with a start and sat up. My face was wet with tears and my heart was heavy in my chest. I turned to look at my clock blinking red, and throwing off the covers, I turned my light on and stumbled to the desk. My ring was there, lying in the center of an M&M heart.

I sat down heavily on my bed dazed and afraid I was finally, really going crazy. Was he gone now? Really and truly gone? I looked at my hand and the tiny white line on my finger where the ring had been. I felt like I had been broken up with, abandoned all over again. I didn’t know what to do so I lay down and sobbed into my pillow until sleep rescued me once more.

This time I slept soundly until my phone alarm announced the start of a new day. I opened my swollen eyes and stumbled to the shower then dressed quickly and headed out the front door to wait for Max. I didn’t have to wait long before the truck pulled up to the curb and I jumped inside. I was hiding behind sunglasses and trying to smile when I got in but it hardly mattered, Max wasn’t paying any attention. He too wore sunglasses and his hair was messier than it usually was. Seems I wasn’t the only one who had a bad night. I decided to get it out in the open. I wanted to share my dream with him. Let him help me make sense of it.

“Max,” I said, breaking the silence. “I had a dream about Garrett. It was so real, and Max, I’ve never dreamed about him before.”

I expected him to look at me, show interest, and ask questions about the details of the dream. I did not expect him to stare straight ahead and tell me he dreamed about Garrett too.

“You dreamed about Garrett?”

He nodded, and I asked, “Have you ever dreamed about him since the accident?”

He shook his head no. His eyes never left the road.

“What are the chances of both of us dreaming of him for the first time on the same night?”

“We aren’t the only ones Rainey.” Finally he looked over at me. “Both mom and dad woke up talking about their dreams of him.”

“Oh my god, what did he say?”

“Basically, he said goodbye and encouraged us to live our lives without him and be happy. Is that what he said to you?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” I didn’t elaborate. I was reeling from the fact that it hadn’t been just a dream. I had validation that I was actually with Garrett. No wonder that I could still remember every moment, every word. It hadn’t begun to fade away like dreams always do.

“Are you okay?”

He looked at me with a grim expression. “I kind of feel like he died all over again.”

“Me too, but he seemed so calm and strong and healthy. He is at peace even if we aren’t.” Max didn’t reply so I asked, “What do we do now?”

“I guess we just do what he told us to do. Go on with living.”

On Thursday Max and I were eating lunch under our usual tree when he got a text from Colin asking him to come over on Saturday to work on some songs. Moments later I got a text from Rylee asking me to come along and hang out with her and Sophie.

“Do you want to go?” Max asked, his eyes studying me. I had been so excited to make new friends, but I had forgotten that after the dream. Being with him, and I knew I was truly, really WITH him, had emotionally slayed me.

“ Yes, do you?” I countered.

“Yeah, of course. It should be fun.”

“Yeah, I really liked them, I could use a little fun after the dream.”

“Okay. We’ll go.”

“Well, good. That’s settled then.” I grinned at him. We both spent so much time dissecting every activity and how it would affect each other. I texted Rylee back while he texted Colin.

“Max, if I didn’t think it would be good for you I probably would have stayed home.” I admitted.

“I know. Me too.”

I nodded and smiled. “I’m glad I have you to worry about.”

He laughed, crushing his empty lunch sack and jumping to his feet. He put his hand out and I grabbed it. He pulled me up just as the bell rang.





Max

Rainey laughed four times on Friday. Not that she hadn’t laughed in the past few weeks, she definitely had. But this new laughter was different. She giggled and her eyes danced with light, reminding me of who she had been before. I didn’t know what caused the new mood but I found myself responding to it. I basked in it. It felt good. I felt good.

It was hot outside and we were sitting in our usual shady spot eating lunch when Caitlynn and our friend Hudson joined us. The four of us chatted awhile and then Cait asked, “Rainey, what are you doing this weekend?”

She probably expected her to reply with an unenthusiastic, “Nothing.” Or maybe, “Hanging out with Max,” but instead Rainey looked at her and smiled before she replied.

“Oh well, Max and I are hanging out with some of his music friends tomorrow, but we should all do something fun tonight.” Caitlynn’s astonished expression was priceless and I choked on my sandwich when I began to laugh.

“Max! Are you okay?” Rainey pounded me on the back and I continued to choke and laugh simultaneously.

“He’s fine,” Caitlynn gave me an annoyed look for interrupting such a huge development. “Take a drink of your water Max,” she grumbled. “Now Rainey, what do you mean? You want to do something? Tonight? With us?”

“Yeah, sure. I mean, if you want to. The football game is away so I thought you might be free. What about a movie or bowling or I don’t know, what do you think?”

I have to admit I was pretty taken aback by this momentous act myself but I just decided to go with it. A laughing, socially active Rainey sounded great to me.

“I’m up for bowling,” Hudson said, and Rainey looked at me and Cait, waiting for our response.

We both agreed and made plans to grab pizza and then go to the bowling alley. We parted when the bell rang and Caitlynn walked with me towards our English class.

“Wow Max, she’s doing so much better, it’s like she’s her old self again.”

‘Yeah, it’s a good day today, that’s for sure. Just be patient with her Cait, don’t let her see your disappointment if she has more bad ones.”