The Program

CHAPTER TEN




AFTER A SPIRITED GAME OF CARDS, REALM AND I retreat to the couch to watch a movie with a few others. I’m curled up next to him, and no one says anything: no nurses tell us to move apart. We can do what we want and it’s nice. It’s the first time in a long while that I feel in control.

When Nurse Kell comes in and tells us all it’s time to return to our rooms, Realm pulls me in the other direction instead. “Wanna come hang out in my room?” he asks, motioning down the hall. I shrug, holding on to his arm as we walk.

Opening his door, he allows me to go in first, and then he checks the hallway before closing it behind us. “It’s fun to sneak around, isn’t it?” he asks.

“It is. And I thought nothing could beat being constantly medicated.” I laugh, but a serious expression comes over Realm’s face. He goes to sit on his bed as I sit in the chair facing him. I start to fidget, knowing he wants to talk about Roger.

“Sloane, I have to ask. . . . Did he rape you?”

“What?” I look up, startled. “No.”

“Then what happened?” Realm swallows hard and I know there’s no use in denying it altogether.

“He offered a trade.”

“Oh, God.”

“It was for a kiss. Some . . . touching, but I kneed him really hard when that happened. It was just a kiss.” I feel sick thinking about it, and lower my head, not wanting Realm to see my face.

“And in return?”

“He gave me a pill. Said it would let me hold on to a memory.”

Realm swears under his breath, rubbing roughly at his face. “I’m going to kill him,” he says, mostly to himself. “I told him to leave you alone.”

“He’s done it to others, hasn’t he?” I ask.

Realm nods, and then looks over at me, pained. “I think maybe it’s been going on for a while.”

I cringe thinking about girls here having sex with that freak, and I can’t believe I ever let him touch me. I just wanted to keep my life. Keep myself. I feel violated and stupid, and I wrap my arms around myself as I sit back in the chair.

“It doesn’t work, you know,” Realm says. “The pill to block. With the memory out of context, it’ll never come back or make sense. You shouldn’t take it.”

I flinch as if I’ve been slapped. I’d let Roger touch me, and now I wasn’t getting what I was promised. It was for nothing. I did it for nothing.

“It doesn’t work?” I ask, my voice strained. Realm shakes his head. My world practically crumbles around me. My only hope is gone. I’d pinned everything on keeping the memories. I’m truly lost.

“You should give the pill to me,” he says.

“I can’t,” I say quietly. “I already took it.”

Realm’s face flares with anger. “You idiot,” he says. “You could have been killed.”

Stunned, I lower my eyes, Realm’s harsh words stinging. I move to get up but he reaches quickly for my hand.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean that. Please don’t go. I’m just frustrated, Sloane.” He stops talking, and when I finally look up again, he exhales. “Sorry,” he repeats, sliding his fingers from mine. “Let’s just change the subject, okay?”

I don’t have anywhere else to go, so I sit back down. “Whatever,” I say. Realm is always so accepting of The Program, so ready to let them take his past. But that’s not me. I don’t want to change.

Realm scoots over on the bed, patting the blanket. “Will you sit with me?” he asks. I nod, and move to put my knee on the bed, climbing up next to him.

“It’s going to be okay,” he says softly. “It’s almost over.”

I stare at him, the air seeming to rush out of me. “Is that all I have to look forward to? The point where I’m empty?”

He smiles sadly. “It won’t hurt anymore once you forget. It’s the only thing that can save us now.” He bends to rest his forehead against mine, whispering. “We can’t go on like this. You have a huge hole here.” He puts his palm over my heart, and the touch is intimate and almost comforting. It’s not butterflies or romantic—I don’t have those feelings for him. But it’s a touch that makes me feel human. Alive.

“I don’t know if I can make it,” I say, closing my eyes.

“You can. You’ve made it this far. And hell, you’re not dead, right?” He moves back and takes my chin, making me look at him. “Now I want you to hold me,” he jokes, curling me against him as we lie back against the pillows.

“It’s lucky that we were both here,” he continues as he begins to play with my hair. “Otherwise I’d have to snuggle with Nurse Kell.”

I laugh, putting my hand on his chest, over his heart. I’m surprised by how fast it’s beating. “You nervous?” I ask.

“Well, I am in bed with a pretty girl. I think this sort of reaction is beyond my control.”

I sit up, and Realm shifts to lie flat on the bed. I get on my elbow and look down at his face. The black under his eye has faded, and his skin looks healthier than it did the first time I met him. The scar around his neck is healed, and I wonder how old it is. I trace my index finger over the raised pink line, and he holds his breath, his dark eyes meeting mine.

“Does it still hurt?” I ask.

Realm licks his lips but is slow to answer. “Every day.”

I pause, my finger under his chin. “Me too,” I respond.

Realm reaches to draw me closer, and I don’t pull away. I’m so lonely, so broken that I don’t think I’ll ever be fixed. Being with someone could make me forget for a while. Realm’s been good to me. He’s my friend.

But as he leans forward, something inside of me seizes up. Just when his mouth meets mine, I turn away, making his lips brush my cheek instead. “I can’t,” I murmur. Realm is not my boyfriend. He’s not James.

I close my eyes and lower my head to his chest, hugging him and hoping he won’t send me away. I don’t want to be alone right now. Realm immediately starts to apologize, but I stop him.

“It’s not you. I’m . . . I’m with James,” I tell him, not sure if it’s cruel to say. “I love him.”

Realm adjusts his position, but doesn’t push me aside. Instead he wraps me in a hug. “I understand,” he whispers.

“I’m going to find him again,” I say, mostly to myself. “The Program can’t erase James from my heart. I know they can’t.”

“If it’s meant to be . . . ,” Realm says, sounding like my mother. But underneath, I hear his hurt. I don’t respond and just let him hold me, knowing that I shouldn’t be here like this. But no one ever comes in to make me go back to my room. And when I start to fall asleep, I think that my guilt is gone—if only for a moment.

I’ve become comfortably numb.