Take Me On

I consider standing, but my knees have that weak feeling. I’m in public. If Matt comes near me, I can scream and he’ll walk away. I wrap my arms around my body, to keep myself warm, to keep myself intact. With each rock, I repeat the mantra: I’m safe.


Matt sinks to his portion of the curb, maintaining the make-believe restraining order. “I saw the pain on your face when you looked at her. I don’t like hurting you.”

My mind warps and separates, then crashes together. I bend over as I laugh. It’s manic and maddening and I try to shove the hysterical giggles back in as I slap a hand over my mouth, but they won’t stop. I shed blood because of him. I lost my family over him. He has done more than hurt me; he’s destroyed me.

The laughter runs dry and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the need to cry. “She doesn’t bother me.”

It’s the truth. The nausea—it’s not from seeing him with her. It’s from hating myself. How could I ever have loved somebody like him? How could I have given him something as sacred as my virginity?

“She bothered you,” he insists. “I fucked up with us. I know it and I’m sorry. If you give us another chance, I swear, I’ll be different.”

I shake my head before he finishes. “I’m with West.” Even if it is pretend or not pretend or this strange middle ground purgatory, I’m with him and I’ve never spoken sweeter words.

There’s silence between us and two cars drive by.

“Your story isn’t panning out, Haley. If it was true, then someone would have seen West leave the store and go after Conner that night, or would have known that you and West were a couple. I’ve asked around. No one knows him except for a small-time weed dealer. Dating a pothead isn’t your style. You need to end this lie and stop protecting Jax and Kaden.”

The muscles in the back of my neck tighten. Fabulous—West smokes pot, but to be honest, what do I know about him? We’ve told each other things, in the middle of the night, in a raw moment where lying felt impossible. We admitted truths you don’t say aloud or to other people, but we’ve never actually learned anything about the other.

Maybe that’s why I’m attracted to West. Maybe that’s why I like the game we play. He’s anonymous and so am I. “If I’m lying, then so is your brother. Are you ready to admit Conner is capable of not telling the truth?”

Matt’s head snaps in my direction and I have to fight to keep from scrambling away from him. We’re in public. I’m safe. Please let me be safe.

“Aren’t you tired of arguing over the same old shit?” Matt rubs his anger off his face with the balls of his hands and tries again. “Break up with West and I’ll call this whole thing off. No fight and no going after Jax and Kaden. Consider this a blank slate.”

“I never told them,” I whisper. “About what happened between me and you.”

“I know.” His shoulders roll forward. “Figured you didn’t when they didn’t show at my front door.”

“They would have come after you and you would have retaliated.” And it never would have stopped. They’d go after him and he’d jump them in return. It would have been a bloody, endless cycle. I glance at him, begging him to give me this. To know that all the sacrifices I’ve made haven’t been in vain.

Matt pops his neck to the side. “I am who I am, Haley. I can’t change that.”

A brief moment of justification and I hold on to it tight. I did have a right to be afraid for Kaden and Jax.

I process Matt’s offer and I’m terrified to inhale. This is what I’ve been hoping for. “That’s it? Break up with West and no repercussions? No one jumps West or Jax or Kaden or anyone over what happened with Conner? Bygones are bygones?”

“You’ve got my word.”

I’m almost dizzy. Is it possible one thing is going right in my life? But then a horrid pain slashes through my chest—this means giving up West, walking away from West. Everything within me plummets. Oh, God, I don’t just have feelings for West. I’ve fallen for him.

Matt watches me intently. Too intently. There’s more to this deal—a deal I should accept, but don’t think that I can. “For real, that’s it?”

Matt rests his arms on his knees and joins his hands together. “Come back to me. I liked who I was when I was with you. I liked how you made me feel—like I was somebody worth caring about. If you try and it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, but at least try. It’ll be different—I’ll be different—I swear.”





West

I slam THE SUV’s door and stalk to where Haley sits on the curb, but I keep my eyes glued on Matt. There’s a pulsating in my blood that begs for a fight. He’s done something to her. She’s shocked out, pale as a ghost and her fucking hands are trembling.

“Is there a problem here?”

Matt surveys me with boredom from his spot on the curb. “Only if you make something of it. Are you man enough or are you going to continue to hide behind Haley?”