Shame on Him

“I’ve never seen such magnificent flower arrangements. I always knew Doug could do anything.”


I whip my head around at the sound of my mother’s voice.

“Mother, what are you doing here?” I turn to Doug. “What is she doing here?”

Considering how adamant she was that the two of us should work things out and how she wouldn’t hear a word of it whenever I tried to explain about Doug being gay, her being at this wedding right now is nothing short of astonishing.

“Doug invited me. I must say I wasn’t sure what to expect. But I’m having a wonderful time.”

“Where’s Dad? Did he come with you?” I ask.

Not that I want to see him, but he might be able to shed some light on why in the world my mother would ever step foot in a gay wedding celebration.

“Your father is at home with . . . how do you say it? A stick up his ass. Actually, he’s been sleeping in the guest house since your visit,” she informs me.

I’m stunned into silence. I don’t know if it’s the champagne or not, but my head is spinning.

“Breathe, Lorelei,” Doug tells me with a laugh. “Your mother called and told me the three of you had a very unpleasant dinner a week ago. I gave her some advice on how to handle things, but I didn’t expect she’d go at it so wholeheartedly.”

My mother smiles at me and grabs both of my hands. “Lorelei, I would just like to apologize for the way I’ve behaved. I realized after you left that you’re doing something I’ve always wanted to do—be my own person. I’m envious of you. So I told your father where to stick it and kicked him out of the house.”

“Oh, my God!” I exclaim in shock.

“Do you know I’ve never had an orgasm with your father? And I signed up for a pole-dancing class. You should go with me.”

“Mom!” I scold in embarrassment, glancing around to make sure no one heard her.

Doug is too busy laughing to care.

It’s impossible for me to even try to say anything more. Turning away from her in a daze, I signal to the bartender. “Bourbon, straight up. And keep them coming.”



I giggle softly to myself when the cab driver asks me where I’m going. Where am I going? My face feels tingly. I tell him to hold on for a second and pull my phone out of my purse.

It takes me a few tries and a few more giggles to punch in the right number.

Paige answers on the first ring. “Did you have a good time?”

I snort in a very unladylike fashion and hiccup. “I had a FABULOUS time! My mother’s never had an orgasm!”

I laugh so hard that my stomach hurts.

“Oh, my God. You’re drunk! Why am I missing this?” Paige asks.

“I feel funny. Everything is funny. I want to have sex with Dallas right now.”

The cab driver stares at me through the rearview mirror and I wave to him.

“Get your ass to his house PRONTO! Now is your chance. Remember what Kennedy said: liquid courage.”

Right. Liquid courage. I have that in spaces. Or spades. Whatever.

Blowing Paige a few kisses through the phone, I hang up and toss the phone in my clutch.

“Take me to Dallas’s house!” I tell the driver excitedly.

He throws his arm over the back of the seat and turns around. “Where does Dallas live?”

I don’t know. Where DOES Dallas live?

Pulling my purse onto my lap, I dig my phone out again and call him.

“What are you doing calling me? I thought you had a wedding to go to?” Dallas answers. I can hear his smile through the phone and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Or maybe that’s the bourbon talking.

“Where do you live?”

He laughs. “Um, on Highland Street, why?”

“Driver, take me to Highland Street!”

The cab driver shakes his head and pulls the car away from the curb.

“Lorelei, are you drunk dialing me?” Dallas asks in shock.

“I can neither confirm nor deny this statement, Your Honor,” I tell him, dissolving into another fit of giggles. “My mother bought an orgasm. And my father’s never given her a pole dance.”

Dallas barks out a laugh. “Wow. That must have been some wedding. How long before you get here?”

“I don’t know. But make sure you’re not wearing any pants.”

I end the call and let my head flop to the back of the seat.

I must have dozed off because a few seconds later, I hear Dallas’s voice.

“It’s okay; I’ve got her. Keep the change.”

The back door opens and I sit up as Dallas leans into the car and pulls me out. I lose my footing on the curb when I step out and he wraps both of his arms around me and pulls me against him. He smells so good and he’s so warm. I snuggle my face into his chest and take a deep breath.

He slams the door closed and the cab takes off. “Did you just sniff me?”

I look up at his face and see that he’s smiling. “You smell yummy.”