Rebelonging

Chapter 22
Silently, I kept walking at a steady pace, ignoring the unsteady beating of my heart.
He had flipped out. Sure, almost anyone would be mad if they thought their girlfriend was planning to trick them into making a sex tape. But he'd taken mad to a whole new level.
He'd gone through my stuff. He'd treated me like trash. He'd tricked me into his basement and locked me down there for hours.
As if taking my silence as an invitation, Lawton continued. "A few years ago, right after that first fight video went vial, I met this girl."
Lawton met a lot of girls. No surprise, considering all his claims to fame. He'd made his money through prizefighting, the kind with bookies, beer, and bimbos. It wasn't hard to imagine what kind of girl he was talking about now.
But I didn't need to imagine. I knew exactly who he was talking about – Brandy Blue, the girl who starred with him in that sex tape.
"It was before that reality series," he said. "But I was starting to make a name for myself. Then there was the money." He paused. "Growing up, I never had any, you know? But it was starting to roll in. Lots of it. At least compared to what I had before."
I knew what he meant. Today, he was a billionaire. Back then, a thousand bucks probably seemed like a fortune. To me, it still was.
"But this girl," he said, "she worked as a cocktail waitress at this club I used to go to. She seemed nice. You know, working her way through college and all that. I don't remember what her major was supposed to be, but she was studying all the time, brought her books to the bar, always talked about what she was gonna do when she graduated."
He blew out a breath. "Wait. I remember. A veterinarian." His voice got an edge to it. "Yeah. An animal doctor. She was gonna take care of puppies and kittens, and nurse them back to health and all that shit."
"Shit?" I said.
"You know what I mean."
"Actually," I said, "I don't." I loved dogs, one in particular. Unfortunately, Chucky wasn't mine, just like a lot of things in my life. I could pretend, but that didn't change anything. Not really.
"Anyway," Lawton said, "I used to hang out at the club sometimes. And we got friendly."
"Yeah, I just bet."
He was quiet for a beat, and then he said. "Not that way. Not at first."
I heard myself ask, "Why not?"
"Because I liked her."
Still walking, I snuck a sideways glance in his direction. Cast in shadows, the angles of his face were sharper than ever, but his voice was very soft, like he was fading off into the past. "In some ways, she was a lot like you. Or at least, I thought she was. Which is why I didn't want us to… you know."
"So let me get this straight," I said. "You didn't want to have sex with her, and somehow she reminds you of me." I made myself smile. "Gee, thanks."
"It's not that I didn't want to. I mean, she was—" He gave a small laugh. "I mean, like I said, she was a lot like you. One minute, she'd be sweet and funny. And then the next minute? She'd be cussing like a truck driver, surprised the crap out of me. And she was–" he cleared his throat "— attractive."
"How nice for you," I said.
He dug his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and kept on walking. "But things were so crazy back then. I had girls throwing themselves at me everywhere I went."
"Like that's changed."
"Maybe. I dunno. But back then, it was all so new, I didn't handle it that good." He pulled a hand out of his pocket and pushed it through his hair. "I dunno. But this girl I liked. We were friends, maybe something more someday. I didn't know. But I wasn't gonna mess it up."
At first, I'd been absolutely certain he'd been talking about Brandy Blue. Now, I wasn't so sure. And the more he talked, the more I didn't even care what her name was. I totally hated her.
"I get it," I said. "You liked her. So?"
"So you know who I'm talking about, right?"
I shrugged.
"Brandy Blue. The girl from, you know, that video."
This didn't make any sense. The girl he had just described sounded nothing like Brandy, other than being attractive, and working as a cocktail waitress. From what I'd read, Brandy had never gone to college. Mostly, she'd been trying to get famous – sometimes as a model, sometimes an actress.
After that video, she'd gone on to do a couple of horror flicks and a short-lived stint on a doctor drama. I hadn't read much about her lately, but she was still a household name, mostly because of that video with Lawton.
"I didn't know Brandy went to college," I said.
"That's because she didn't."
I stopped walking. Lawton did, too. I turned to face him.
"What do you mean?" I said.
"I mean," he said, "it was all a sham. Everything. The nice girl act, the college thing, the books. It was just one big crock."
"I don't get it," I said. "Why?"
"That's the best part," he said. "This guy – someone I thought was a friend – he gets this idea that I should make a sex tape." Lawton made a sound that was probably supposed to be a laugh. "Everyone was doing 'em. Quick fame, right? That could be me. Famous for being famous. All I needed was a willing partner."
My heart sank. "So you did it?"
Stupidly, I'd come to believe his official story, that the footage had been taken without his knowledge. I should've known better. It's what they all said after the fact, wasn't it?
His gaze met mine. "That's what you think? That I filmed that thing on purpose? That I wanted the world to see me f*cking some chick for five minutes of fame?"
The venom in his voice surprised me. I looked down, trying to collect my thoughts.
"You want the truth?" he said.
I looked up and felt myself nod.
"That kind of fame?" he said. "Don't want it, don't need it. But Brandy, she wants it and needs it, because she's gonna be a f*ckin' star someday."
"So what happened?" I said.
"So she hooks up with this friend of mine. And this so-called friend tells her everything she needs to know – where I hang out, things I like, things that piss me off. And they agree to this split."
"Of the money?" I said.
"No. He gets the money. She gets the exposure."
"Literally or figuratively?" I said.
"You saw the footage. What do you think?"
I shook my head. "I don't know," I said. "I never watched it."
His mouth tightened. "I saw the disk. Remember?"
I didn't need to ask which disk. Obviously, he meant the one he'd seen lying on the Parkers' kitchen table. The label on the case, handwritten in big, black letters, was a dead giveaway – Rastor Sex Tape.
I was still mad as hell about what he'd done, but the story he'd just relayed was so sickening that my heart went out to him.
My voice was quiet. "Erika brought it over. You know, for my birthday. She didn't know that you and I were together. She thought it would be funny." I shrugged. "You know, because we're neighbors."
I blew out a breath. "But you and I were together. At least I thought we were."
"We were," he said. "I still wanna be."
He was making this so damn hard. His behavior had been inexcusable, or so I thought. But then what does he do? He gives me an excuse that, well, actually made a lot of sense. How would I feel in his shoes?
Oh crap. He'd asked me about the tape, hadn't he?
"Anyway," I said, "it just seemed wrong to watch it. Plus, well, I guess I didn't really want to watch you doing that with anyone else."
At this, he smiled. A real smile. It seemed like forever since I'd seen one.
"Yeah?" he said.
That smile, his voice, the things he said – I was falling. Everything was happening too fast. I needed time to think.
"So with Brandy," I said, "you two ended up having sex anyway, and she taped it?"
His smile faded. "Not exactly. This one night, outside the club, I was supposed to meet her there at closing time. Get a coffee or something. So I pull up to the back entrance, and she's already there." His voice hardened. "And she's crying."
"Why?" I asked.
"Well at first, it was hard to get the story out of her. But from what I did get, a couple of guys jumped her in the parking lot. Tore at her uniform, and tried to–" He paused. "Well, you know."
"Oh my God," I said. "Did they ever find them?"
He gave a bark of laughter. "No. And you wanna know why?"
I nodded. "Why?"
"Because they didn't exist."