Razing Kayne

THIRTY-FIVE



When Kayne finally got to the hotel, all he could think about was taking Jess in his arms and trying to make things right. But there was a message waiting at the front desk for him. It was short and to the point—Jess had flown home without him. Christ, he wanted to hit something. He called home, and Trace confirmed she'd arrived safely. And she didn't want to talk to him. Trace promised that he’d stay close until Kayne returned. With no other choice, Kayne went upstairs to spend a sleepless night. Alone. Until he could catch a flight home.

He finally gave up trying to sleep as the sun started to paint the sky shades of lavender and purple. He'd spent the entire night tangled in emotions, past and present. His mind finally forgiving Oksana enough that his heart could mourn.

Before leaving the Community Center, Detective Figueroa had given Petra a list of the five original investigation contacts. She was able to give him the current addresses of three. Petra also confirmed that all five of them spoke English in varying degrees. Well enough it would have been unnecessary for Myla to have translated for any of them.

They'd successfully contacted all three people. Each had refused to talk about Oksana. They seemed fearful, but one had reluctantly confirmed Kayne's suspicions—Myla had told them not to speak with the police about Oksana. When asked why, the woman had looked fearfully at her neighbor’s house—the one with the curtain that twitched from time to time as someone peeked out—and refused to say more.

Kayne checked out of the hotel, taking his overnight bag with him. He took a cab to the one place he hadn't been in too long. Walking through the gates and across the manicured lawn, he headed straight to the tree on the hill. There, he stood and stared at the three, side-by-side, stone markers. Oksana in the middle, Niki and Natalia on either side.

He crouched and brushed the leaves and dirt off Niki's headstone. “Hey, sport, did you think I'd forgotten you? I haven’t. I think about you all the time.” His voice was rough. “I have another little boy now; I sure wish you were here to meet him. I miss you so damn much, Niki. Don't tell your mama I cussed.” Kayne gave a hoarse laugh. “She hated when I taught you bad words. I love you.” Kayne kissed his fingers, laid them on the cold stone, then turned to Natalia.

“Hey, kitten, it's Papa. How's my best girl? I sure miss your hugs. I found your baby sister. She looks so much like you it makes my heart ache.” He told her about Maddy, Isabelle, and Gracie. “Be good for mama, okay? I love you, don't ever forget that.”

Kayne couldn't stop the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes, but he tried to wipe them away as he turned to Oksana. “Hey, Ana. I wish I knew what to say to you. I'm sorry seems so inadequate.” He knelt by her grave, and with a shaking hand, he brushed the dirt off the flat granite headstone. She'd been so goddamned young, he thought as he traced first the day of her birth, and then her death.

“I still don't know what happened that day, but I don't believe you drowned our babies, and I'm so sorry I accused you of it. I'm so afraid you killed yourself because of me and that's eating a hole right through my heart.” His voice broke, and he couldn't speak for a long moment. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Kayne ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “God Ana, I've been so mad at you for so long. I talked to Petra yesterday, and she told me everything. I wish to God you had. I wish you'd given me a chance to slay your dragons. Your father was wrong; I wouldn’t have sent you away because of something awful that happened when you were a child. I need you to know that I would have stood by you.”

He took a shaky breath and slowly let it out. “You were my wife and the mother of my children, and I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to live in the light when you'd finally found your way to the sun. I always wished that for you, sweetheart. I hope you know that.”

Kayne told her about Gracie, about the accident and Jarred's death, and about Gracie's life since that fateful night.

“Her mom's pretty incredible too. She's my wife now, Ana. She's everything I could have wished for. She's mad as hell at me right now. And a little jealous of you, if I had to guess. I think you'd like her though. She's such a great mom, and she loves Gracie so much.”

He rested his hand on the grass-covered ground. “If there's a heaven, I hope you're there, and I hope you're happy. I pray Niki and Natalia are with you. I hope...I hope you can forgive me, and I hope you understand why I'm saying goodbye. I'll always remember you, but Jess is my life now. She and those kids mean everything to me, and I can't live without them. Without her.”

Kayne kissed the tips of his fingers and pressed them to the headstone. “So, goodbye, sweetheart. Never doubt that I loved you all, so very much.” With one last look toward his children, he turned and headed home.

***

Detective Figueroa called while Kayne was standing at the airport ticket counter, trying to get an earlier flight home. He and Jess had purchased open-ended tickets and the next available flight wasn’t until six that night. God, he just wanted to get home; to see Jess and get the ring that was burning a hole in his pocket and his heart back on her finger, where it belonged.

The conversation with Figueroa was short and to the point. He’d found another witness while going through his old partner’s notebook. A young neighbor had reported a suspicious vehicle and subject to a patrol officer, but the info had never been followed up on. Not only had she been able to place Myla Mechnikov at the scene, she’d seen her and the male suspect leaving the apartment with Gracie. When asked why she hadn’t come forward when she realized they were looking for Gracie’s body, she’d told Figueroa that since the police were claiming Kayne had killed his wife and the other kids, she thought Myla had taken the baby to keep her safe. Then Figueroa did the very last thing Kayne had ever expected him of doing.

He apologized.

It was nearly midnight when Kayne got home. Stripping down to his boxer-briefs, he crawled into bed next to Jess and pulled her into his arms.

She lay stiff as a board, faint tremors racking her delicate body, and he knew she was crying.

“I'm so sorry, baby. I was angry and hurt. I am sorry that I missed those years with Gracie, I’m sorry Jarred died, because it hurt you, and he never had a chance to say he was sorry. I know if he could have told you so, he would have.” He slid the ring back on her finger and curled her hand in his. “This is where my ring belongs, and you are where you belong.”

He pulled her tighter against him. “I'm not sorry I married you, baby. I'm not sorry that I love you. I'm not sorry we're the proud parents of four wonderful children. I love you, and I love this crazy life we have, and I'm so, so sorry I hurt you.”

“I feel awful,” Jess whispered.

Kayne's gut clenched with concern. “Are you sick?” He laid his hand on her forehead. Was that the reason she'd flown home on her own?

“No, I'm fine. I mean, I'm an awful person because I'm glad Oksana is gone.” Jess jerked away from him. “I'm glad she's is gone, and I hate that I feel that way. It killed me to have to sit there and hear how much she loved you and how great you were to her.”

Kayne flinched at her words. He’d been so wrapped up in his own hell at Petra’s revelations that he hadn’t truly thought about how Jess had been dealing with it.

“Kayne, you were making it work. Even with the hell she'd had to endure, and despite your own childhood, you'd built a family and were making it work. You're wrong, you know. You were her knight in shining armor. You did slay her dragons, even when you didn't know what they were, because you just didn't give up. You'd vowed to honor and protect and cherish her, and your word is everything to you, and so you never would have quit. You would have fallen in love with her. She would have been your forever. She should have been your forever. And I hate her for that.”

Jess’s face contorted in self-recrimination. “I hate her for that. She should be the one here with you now. You're supposed to be holding her, making love to her, and raising babies that are yours instead of being forced to raise someone else’s.”

God damn it, he couldn’t stand that he'd hurt her so badly with a few careless words.

“Baby, please...” When he reached out to touch her, she flinched away, and he let his hand fall to his side, curling it into a fist to keep from reaching out to her again.

She brushed her bangs out of her face. “And Jarred would still be alive, but he wouldn't be with me. He'd asked for a divorce. We had a fight. I'd found out he'd had yet another affair, and we argued. He shouted awful things to me, but they were the truth. For once in our relationship, he'd finally told me the honest truth about how he felt. He told me I wasn't good enough for him, I couldn't give him the children he wanted, and he was sick of raising other people’s kids. I wasn't good enough in bed. He. Didn't. Want. Me. But I thought...God, I was so stupid...I thought...” She stopped, and even though she tried to mask it, he still heard the sob that escaped.

“I do want you, Jessica. So much.” He pulled her back into his arms, refusing to let go this time, even when she fought him. “So very, very much.”

He stroked her back, soothing her. “I was as stunned to hear those revelations as you were, Jessica. I hadn't touched Oksana since before Gracie was born, so I don't know why she said those things to Petra. And I was angry with Figueroa because he f*cked up and made my life more of a living hell than it already was. You're not alone in your feelings, you know. For over two years, I've been pissed at Oksana, and I'm only now realizing I never knew her. She had horrible secrets, monsters that chased her in her nightmares, and she didn't trust me enough to share them.”

He cupped her face, resting his forehead against hers. “You want honest emotion? Jarred was a class-A a*shole. There, I finally said it. Jarred was an a*shole. He didn't deserve to die any more than Oksana did, but Christ, I don't understand how he could have treated you the way he did. I don't understand how he could have ever thought you weren't enough. I don't know how he could have walked away from you, because while losing Oksana brought me to my knees, losing you would kill me. It would raze me to the ground.”

Kayne brushed his lips against hers. “I need you, Jess, with everything in me I need you, not just now or tonight, but forever. You're my North Star and Safe Harbor and all those other sappy clichés, but above all else, you are my dragon slayer. I need you tonight. I need you in my arms where I can feel your heart beating in time with mine. Just hold me and…and let me hold you in return.”

She needed him too, and when they were finally skin to skin, her back spooned to his front, he lifted her thigh over his and placed their entwined hands low over her belly, securing her to him. Kayne entered her and made slow sweet love to the other half of his soul.