Pieces of Truth

Chapter 5

A Plan

~ ~ ~

Josh made his way over to my lounge as I closed the door behind him. I watched as he moved slowly over to the sofa and sat down, stretching his arms along the top of it, tilting his head up and closing his eyes. I moved so I sat beside him and waited for him to look at me. I didn’t know how to start a conversation with Josh right now. In the span of one morning we had gone from very awkward to dangerous flirting, to very awkward again. I guess he needed a moment to process all this too.

My mind started to trail off to thinking how nice Josh looked, laying back on the sofa. I looked at the slope of Josh’s neck as he silently kept his eyes closed with his head facing the ceiling. I noticed the veins in his neck pulsing. I couldn’t stop watching them move up and down. I was completely mesmerized by his heartbeat and the heat of his skin. Then I noticed how tanned his neck was, which moved smoothly down to his chest. He was wearing a dark green V-neck shirt which clung loosely to those muscles I had admired earlier. My eyes kept drifting until they reached his jeans. I was caught in a trance as I stared at his jeans. Josh cleared his throat and my eyes immediately went back to his face.

I can’t believe I was just ogling my best friend. What is wrong with me?

Why was I now looking at Josh like this? We had both inadvertently walked in on our respective sexual partners this very morning, yet I was still drawn to him in the most lustful way. It was terrible of me to think, but at that moment, I wasn’t thinking about Melanie or Clint. I was imagining what it would be like to straddle Josh on this couch. My distraction with Clint had evidently not righted my head back to where it should be. I didn’t know what I was up against now. My old feelings for Josh were suddenly new feelings.

I started biting my lip as I continued to think about the sofa fantasy. I should have been focused on talking to Josh as a friend, like I always had, and clear the air about these uncomfortable situations we had both found each other in this morning, but my body wasn’t doing the right thing at that moment. It was very being a very naughty girl and entertaining ideas I shouldn’t be thinking about as a girl in a serious relationship. Thank goodness they are just thoughts!

As time stretched on, I started to wonder if either of us would have the guts to talk first. I wasn’t going to speak, because in all honesty, I didn’t know what to say. I felt embarrassed but also a little ashamed too. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that hit me the same way I was hit outside Josh’s apartment building. It was guilt, stabbing me in the gut again, and it wasn’t because I was inappropriately imagining Josh taking me from behind on this couch. No, it was because Josh had heard me making love to Clint, and for some reason, that made me feel the weirdest kind of guilt. I didn’t know what it meant, but it made me crazy in anticipation about what Josh would say next.

Finally his head moved so it was in line with the rest of the world. He opened his eyes to stare at me and then began shaking his head. “What were you trying to prove Norah? What the hell were you saying? That is not you.”

Wow, he is calling me out already. That didn’t take long. I guess he does remember how I operate.

“Excuse me?” I asked, trying to sound perplexed at the question, and disheartened by his clipped tone.

“That display. That overt display with your boyfriend. Screaming ‘I’m yours’ over and over again. Do you really have to remind yourself?”

My facial expression must have looked guilty, and I knew Josh could see that, so I did what most people do when they are caught out and couldn’t admit the truth, I denied everything. “I don’t like what you are implying Joshua, but no, I wasn’t trying to prove anything or remind myself that I’m Clint’s. It’s already a fact.”

Josh gave me a look that only I knew too well. It was disbelief and disappointment that I was lying to his face.

“Sure Norah. Whatever you say.”

We sat, staring at one another, like two people do when they are at crossroads and they can’t talk about something that they should be talking about. Was this just a case of old feelings resurfacing? Or was it something more? Perhaps I was just overwhelmed by seeing Josh after two months, and this was some weird delayed reaction.

I looked at Josh’s lips which looked red and plump and my mind started to wander again about what those lips could do to me. I snapped my head this time, like I had kicked my conscience, and realized I needed to get Josh out of the apartment. I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening between us, and deep down, I wasn’t sure I could trust myself either. Things were not solid with Clint, and that meant I might not be in the right frame of mind to make the right decisions. I needed to eradicate this situation before it became a situation I couldn’t handle.

“Perhaps you should go Josh. I don’t think I can talk to you after all this.” My voice was low as I said it. I couldn’t continue this conversation any more. Of course Josh knew I was lying. He was the person who knew me the best in the world. He knew how to ground me, he knew how to make me laugh, and he also knew when I was completely hiding from something I couldn’t talk about. My shame about how I was feeling would be plastered all over my face, and Josh would easily be able to see it.

“No, I’m sorry Norah.” Josh placed one of his hands on top of mine. “I know you came over to see me this morning to talk about something important. I don’t want us to lose what we have because things are changing.”

At least Josh can voice what is going on without forcing me to say it. I looked at his hand on mine. It was soft and tender and if Josh wasn’t my best friend, I would have pulled it away, but I left it there, enjoying his touch, rationalizing he was just being a supportive friend trying to talk to me, and that it was OK to let him keep holding it.

The little voice in my head knew better though, and red flags were popping up all around us.

“It’s OK Josh, it’s not a good idea. I really shouldn’t talk to you about this.”

His thumb began to do little circles on my skin. The sensation sent tingles through my whole body. “Didn’t we promise each other we’d always be best friends, and that we can tell each other anything?”

I looked at him, wondering if we could really go back to how things were. We had been fools to think that our kiss wouldn’t change things, but clearly it had, and as much as I was playing with fire, I didn’t want to drift from Josh. I wanted, no; I needed him in my life. I had to try and do my best to ignore these lustful emotions and find a way to get Josh back into the friend zone. I owed it to our friendship to try harder and do my best to get things back to normal. I knew the only way to get some normality back for us was to treat him as I had always treated Josh, specifically, as my confidant. I could do this, I could shift our budding romantic feelings back to a safe space where my head didn’t try to mentally undress him.

Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can.

I think I can.

“OK. I will talk to you, tell you what’s wrong,” I said, withdrawing my hand, trying to stay strong with what I had just decided. I can do this.

Before I could start this conversation, I had to go get the first piece of my problem. Josh watched me as I got up and walked down the hallway and to my spare bedroom. I returned a minute later with a piece of paper in my hand.

“So, first there is this.” I handed Josh the piece of paper. He opened it, read it, and then looked at me for more clarification.

“From Samuel?” he asked.

I nodded.

“When did you get it?”

“It was left in my apartment on graduation night. I know he is trying to tell me something about Clint, but I don’t know what. I think he was hoping I would find out on my own. Do you have any idea what it could mean?”

Josh looked at the piece of paper for what felt like forever and shook his head. “Why don’t you just ask Clint about it?”

I sighed in frustration. “Because I’m not about to start a war. It would only enrage him further. Plus, I don’t want it to look like I don’t trust him.” I knew that sounded stupid and I really should have just spoken to Clint, but given our past and how we originally got together, I knew there was a possibility this note could mean something more. It wouldn’t be the first time I was side-swiped by Clint. I had forgiven him for not telling me the reason we got together in the first place was because the Lappell had assigned him to try and convince me to join them. When Josh had told me the truth about Clint, I was gutted. I did not seeing it coming. Yes, I had forgiven Clint once before, but I had not forgotten what he was capable of.

“Isn’t holding on to this piece of paper, obsessing about it, a sign that you don’t trust him Nor?” Josh was not dressing up anything today. He was being dead straight with his answers. I guess I needed him to be blunt, but I still didn’t enjoy hearing it.

“Shut up Josh, you are not helping.” I was annoyed he lacked the sugar coating I was normally used to. I needed for him not to point out the obvious flaws in my relationship.

Josh then laughed at me.

Why was he laughing at me? Did he think the note was funny? Did Josh find humor in the fact that I didn’t fully trust Clint? I couldn’t stop and dwell on why Josh found this amusing even though it made me want to punch him in the throat. I had to keep going, because there was more I had to show him.

“That’s not all Josh,” I said, annoyed that he continued to laugh. This wasn’t what I needed from a friend right now. I needed answers, I needed sound advice, I needed to know that I was worried about nothing. I needed reassurance I wasn’t being a fool.

“There is more?” Josh asked. I nodded, got up and went to my bedroom and returned with another item. I placed the box in front in front of Josh on the sofa, who looked to me and shook his head. “I’ve seen your engagement ring from Samuel. Why are you showing this to me again Norah?” He looked confused, and was still half snorting at my lack of trust for Clint.

“This ring Josh,” I started to say, “is not from Samuel.”

Silence.

Josh’s body froze like he had died on the spot. He didn’t move. He didn’t breathe. I was going to poke him until I saw his breathing change from non-existent, to small shallow breaths.

“Are you...” It was the only two words Josh could manage. I saw his hurt straight away and felt I had to quickly appease it.

“Oh no, no, no. I’m not engaged. I found this ring in Clint’s sock drawer. He hasn’t asked me yet.”

Josh looked stunned, just staring at me for more of an explanation. I wasn’t sure what was going through his head. He just swallowed and waited for me to say more.

“I wasn’t snooping, I was genuinely in need of a pair of socks. Obviously if there is any truth to this note, I need to know before this occurs,” I said, pointing to the box.

Josh stared at the box with a look of fear on his face, like it was going to explode in front of him. After a minute, he turned to me. “Would you really say yes Norah? Even if there is nothing to this note?” The amusement he had was long gone and now I saw something else. He looked worried. Very worried.

“I don’t know Josh. Things keep changing. Clint and I have been fighting. There is this note. I am also feeling...”

Josh picked up on my hesitation and zoned in on it. “What are you feeling Norah?” Josh’s green eyes burned into mine and I couldn’t help but feel the attraction again. I shifted away from Josh on the couch, distancing myself, trying to keep my stupid animalistic desires in check.

“Different. Just different is all.”

He watched as I tried to talk about something I was still very confused about. I glanced at the box and note and back to Josh, hoping he would give me advice. Something that would help me decide what I should do.

“Look Norah, I don’t have much to say about this.” Josh held up the box with the ring. He hadn’t even opened it up to look. “But in regards to this,” Josh picked up the piece of paper in his other hand, “if you are not going to be upfront and ask Clint, then you’re going to have to try and catch him out with whatever it is you think he is doing.”

I sighed and took the note from Josh’s hand, staring at it again, like I had a million times already.

“But I have no idea what the note could mean Josh. That’s the problem.”

Josh shook his head at me. “Well if you want to know the truth about this note, you are going to have to get creative Nor, be your own detective.”

He did have a point. I would have to take matters into my own hands if Samuel wasn’t going to tell me why he left the note. Actually, all Samuel had done was try and drive a wedge between me and Clint with his gifts. If there was any truth to the note, Samuel had not given anything away. He either intended me to find out on my own or he was waiting for the right moment to tell me himself, but at this point, I didn’t have time to wonder what Samuel’s plans were, I needed answers now. Things were getting more and more complicated; with everyone. The doubt I had about Clint because of the note, only intensified other feelings I should not be having.

“What do you suggest?” I asked Josh, hoping he had some kind of idea that might help ease my suspicions.

Josh ran his fingers through his hair like he did when he was thinking hard about something. When he finally brought his hands back to his lap, he looked at me and shrugged. “Well, we have a Lappell meeting tomorrow night at Club Seil. Why don’t you show up unannounced and surprise him?”

Hmmm, surprise Clint. Could that really lead me to the answers I was looking for?

I thought about Josh’s suggestion, wondering if it was a way that could help. “But Clint invites me to all the mixers and meetings,” I noted. “It’s not like he is hiding anything if he has already invited me.”

Josh shrugged again. “Yeah, but if he thinks you won’t be there, perhaps you will get some kind of insight into this note. I know it’s a long shot, but it’s all I’ve got.”

What were the odds I would catch Clint doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing on the one night I went out and surprised him?

“Is that your only suggestion?” I asked, looking to Josh for something better. I needed more than a random surprise. There had to be something else I could do.

“Well you could hire an investigator to follow him, but do you really want to be that girl?” The idea went through my mind, but I quickly shook my head.

“No, definitely not.”

“Well if you are not going to do the logical thing and ask him, then you are going have to try the element of surprise. As your best friend Norah, that’s all the advice I’ve got.” Josh sighed and leaned back against the couch again. I looked at Josh, whose face was tense and his mind was obviously now drifting somewhere else. I could tell he was struggling with all these new developments and was doing his best to be supportive and helpful, but it was hurting him to do so.

“Your suggestion is good Josh. I know it would be more reasonable if I just asked him, but things between us are kind of...”

Josh’s eyes brightened, waiting for my response. My uncertainty seemed to give Josh hope, and perhaps subconsciously I wanted to show that, but at present, I had to stay on course with the task at hand of trying to find out what the note could mean without having to ask Clint.

“Look, I will just try surprising him and see what happens. And if I don’t find anything, I’m just going to throw this note away. It was trouble to begin with and it’s trouble now.”

“And this?” Josh tossed me the little black box and I caught it. I looked at him as he waited for me to give him an answer.

“Well, I’m certainly not ready to say yes. Yet.”

Josh got up off the sofa and began pacing. He went over to the window on the other side of the room, but stopped because he kicked something on the floor. He leant down and picked up the object.

“More rings?” I saw that Josh was holding the box that Clint tossed across the room earlier that morning. I had forgotten about the earrings Samuel had sent me that had started this whole chain reaction of emotions and events. I quickly retrieved the box from Josh’s hands, but he noticed the pained look on my face.

“What is it Norah? Please don’t tell me there is more.” Josh crossed his hands over his chest, now seeing that my problems were more in depth than just a note and Clint’s hidden engagement ring. It was so many different things happening all at once.

“Well Samuel has been sending me gifts too. This is a pair of diamond earrings that arrived this morning.”

Josh eyes went wide. Yes, this was an awful lot of information to be taking in all at once, especially after the morning we had.

“Wait, Samuel has been sending you gifts too? How many?” Josh asked, almost angrily.

I groaned thinking of the twenty-four gifts I had received over the past two months ranging from flowers, concert tickets, chocolates, books and now jewelry. I just looked at Josh with a face that said, ‘Please don’t ask me for details’. I walked over to the kitchen, put the earrings on the counter, then returned back to the couch and sat, staring at the floor.

“Lots and lots of gifts Josh, and it’s causing the worst possible fights between me and Clint.”

Josh remained standing on the other side of the room. “Why don’t you just tell Samuel to stop? I’m sure you could arrange to see him if you really wanted to.”

My head flicked up and I couldn’t help but glare at Josh. He sounded just like Clint when he said it, and perhaps it was because of all the frustration built up inside me or that no one was seeing it from my side, but I began to get very emotional.

“Because I can’t see or talk to Samuel. Because if I do, he will be severely hurt. My father gave me a final warning. He is still my friend. It would kill me inside. Why does no-one understand that!” My voice cracked as I poured out my frustration to Josh, and unexpected tears began to fall from my eyes.

“Oh my God Norah, I’m so sorry.” Josh walked over, grabbed my hands, and pulled me against his chest. “Of course I understand why you can’t do anything. You care so much for the people in your life. You don’t want anyone to be hurt because of your Dad. I see why this would be such a stressful situation. I’m sorry you are caught between a rock and a hard place.” I nodded into Josh’s shirt, my tears staining the cotton fabric. Josh kept talking to me, trying to soothe my state. “I wish I could help you Norah, I wish I could take this pain and anguish away for you.” His hand began rubbing my back as I steadied the flow of frantic emotions inside me. I stopped crying and looked at Josh.

“I wish you could help me, but just having someone understand is really what I need right now. You always understand Josh.” The way I said that felt off this time. Normally when I thanked Josh for his support, it felt like I was thanking a member of my family, but now, it was like I was comparing Josh to Clint, feeling more of the weight of his actions. I was seeing it as romantic rather than just friendly.

I buried myself in Josh’s chest again, and began inhaling the scent of his cologne as we hugged some more. Josh didn’t seem to mind, he only encouraged me to hold on tighter. Finally, as my distress eased, my sensibility returned, and I pushed away from Josh. He looked at me as if to say, “come back,” but I kept my distance.

Josh looked over to Samuel’s gift on the kitchen counter, and then back to me. “Let’s deal with one problem at a time, OK Nor? Now let me go over what you’ll need to do tomorrow night at Club Seil, which reminds me, you are going to need a pass.”

Pass?