I knew it hurt Max to see me hurt. He was never outwardly expressive but I could see tears of sorrow outlining his eyes as well.
“Em, would you ever want to start over with me? Do you think it would be possible? If I told you that I was an idiot, that I had no idea what I wanted in life till I lost it. I never realized till after we broke up that you meant the world to me. However much you loved me, I loved you just as much, probably more. I was just too stupid to know it back then. Would this be enough for us to try again?”
I was too shocked to cry anymore. These were words I had hoped to hear right after we broke up, not now. Only in my world, would I have to contend with the passion I once felt for Max and the hope I now felt with Jake.
“Max, why now? Why didn’t you come to me eighteen months ago when I missed you so terribly? I would’ve given up everything to be with you again. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I can’t do this again. I won’t give up Jake.”
“But you just said you don’t love Jake! Can you say the same about me? I know you still love me, Em. Please, Em? I know what I finally want…I want you.”
I stopped the conversation and asked Max to drive me home. The ride home was silent till I marched out of the car, straight onto my bed, and wailed like the night we broke up. I didn’t understand why I hurt today like graduation night.
A severe headache greeted me as I woke up to the ringing of the doorbell. Glancing at the clock, it was almost midnight. I opened the door and found a warm face that quickly morphed into an alarmed one.
“What’s the matter, Emily? Have you been crying?”
“How’d you know?” I asked.
“Your eyes are puffier than a marshmallow. Why were you crying?” Jake walked into the house and sat on the chair.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that both my top and bottom lids were puffy. What would I tell Jake? I sat at the table with him and contemplated what to say. He waited patiently.
“Does this have something to do with your lunch with Max today?” It didn’t take much intuition to figure that one out. “Do you mind telling me what happened?” His troubled look made me feel terrible.
“Max is having breakup remorse,” was how I summed up our afternoon conversation.
Jake looked puzzled. “He and Jennifer broke up and he’s upset about it?”
“Um, I’m told he and Jennifer broke up but his breakup remorse is not about Jennifer. He, um…regrets our breakup.”
“Oh,” was all I got from Jake. “What did you say, or should I ask, how do you feel about his regret?”
Damage control needed to be put into effect immediately, but I didn’t know how to put into words what I felt in my heart.
“I told Max that I really like you and that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him.” Jake looked somewhat relieved but only for a second. He asked the next logical question—the one that truly begged an answer. “Why were you crying, then?”
This one, I really couldn’t answer. Why I hurt so much today was beyond my understanding but could I tell Jake that I just didn’t know?
“I cried because a lot of the pain I felt after we broke up resurfaced. Those were the words I wanted to hear eighteen months ago, not now. Maybe I was angry with him for…”
“Waiting this long?” He tried to finish my sentence. “Do you want to get back together with him, but can’t because of me? Am I in your way?”
I vehemently replied, “No. I want to be with you, Jake. I want to give our relationship a chance. Please don’t think that. Please, please believe me when I say how much I cherish our relationship.” I wrapped my arms around his neck as insecurity crept back into my heart, scared that I might lose this wonderful man.
Jake held me close and calmed me down. “Emily, explain to me what’s on your mind. There must be something lingering in your heart for Max for you to be in such anguish.”
“To be honest, I don’t exactly know what hold Max still has on me, if any. I know there’s no more connection between us, but why I still hurt so much when he brings up the past, I can’t explain.” Apologetically my head fell down. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. This is the kind of stuff I don’t want you to see. What I do know is that in the short while we’ve been together, you’re the one I want to be with, not Max.”
“Emily,” he called my name softly, and lifted my chin with the crook of his index finger, “I’m not letting you go anywhere.” His lips tenderly traced my own. “We are not separating for any reason. I can’t imagine my life without you anymore, and I hope you feel the same way about me. You must know by now how much I love you. I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to tell you.” He embraced me intently.
Jake’s words stopped my heart. I had heard correctly on the airplane. The optimist in me reveled at the thought of Jake loving me. The pessimist in me wondered what he would think when I couldn’t reciprocate. I faced him with a signs of hope, guilt, and confusion.