In the Stillness

CHAPTER 6



Life has returned to shitty normal by Monday morning. Eric and I managed to have sex two times on Friday night/ Saturday morning before picking up the twins, who had just the most fabulous time, they’re such angels, according to Eric’s mom. Everything was great for the remainder of the weekend; the boys were happy to be home with both mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy were happy, too.

On Sunday night, however, I questioned Eric about his graduation, when he had to defend his thesis project, etc. That’s when shit hit the fan.

“Do you think that UMass will offer you a permanent position?”

That was, apparently, uncalled for.

“Jesus, Nat, you just can’t let it go, can you?”

“What, that I want to know where we’ll be in a few weeks if and when you graduate?”

“If?” he yelled. He never really yells at me, so that was a bit dramatic.

I sighed, but kept my tone soft, “You know what I mean, Eric. The boys need to start kindergarten in the fall and I’d like to know if we’re enrolling them here or somewhere else.”

I don’t understand his anger about my asking about his job prospects. He’s always so level-headed. Maybe the pressure of his thesis defense is mounting. Either way, I’m driving to his lab today—a place I never go—now that the twins are stowed at preschool for the next few hours.

I pull up to the lab and spot all the usual cars, including Eric’s. I grabbed a bagel and his favorite coffee, somewhat of a peace offering for my pissing him off. It’s not that I necessarily care when he’s mad at me—I’m too busy to fluff his emotional pillows—but I just don’t need his attitude to bring me down. And it will. Fast.

Eric should be in his office right now for his TA office hours. He’s the TA for a few upper-level courses, and that’s exactly where I find him, behind his desk grading papers.

I rap lightly on the door with one knuckle.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He goes back to thumbing through his papers.

This means he’s really mad—when I don’t get a smile right away.

“I brought you coffee and a bagel. You left this morning without eating.” I place the items on his desk.

He looks at them, but speaks to me, “I’m surprised you noticed.”

“Come on, Eric, that’s not fair. We had a great weekend—”

“Yeah,” he huffs, “the first one in a while and then you had to ruin it wi—”

A weak knock on the door interrupts our simmering argument.

“Mr. Johnson?” A fair-haired and fairer-skinned twenty-something is standing, shaking, in the doorway.

“Miss Kimball, we missed you in class this morning. What can I do for you?”

Can he not see that she’s been crying?

“Sorry, Mr. Johnson. Here’s my paper, I hope it’s not too late.”

I don’t know if he’s trying to act tough around me, or something, but Eric’s coming off as a total dick, and I’m not about to let him shoo this girl out of the office without further explanation.

“I’m Eric’s wife, Natalie, nice to meet you . . .”

“Danielle.” A flash of a smile, and it’s gone in an instant.

I tilt my head to the side. “Danielle. Are you feeling okay?”

“Natalie—” Eric cuts in. I stick up my hand and lift my eyebrow at him. Suddenly, he gets it. “Is something the matter, Danielle?” He redirects his words.

“Um . . .” she starts, but her quivering chin slows her down.

“It’s okay, Hon.” My pulse races as I slowly recognize the unmistakable, specific, look on her face.

No.

“My boyfriend . . .”

Shit.

“He, um . . . today he leaves . . .”

No f*cking way . . .

“He’s being deployed today for Afghanistan.”

“Jesus.” I hug the pint-sized stranger. She loses strength in my arms and cries into my shoulder. “When is he leaving?” I whisper into her hair.

“In two hours.” She pulls away and wipes her eyes.

“What branch is he?”

“Marines.” When she says it, her face lights up in pride. I smile back. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at class this morning, Mr. Johnson, we just—” she blushes and looks to the floor.

Yeah, we just . . .

“I’m proud of your boyfriend, Miss Kimball, but you need to understand that you have responsibilities . . .”

The hair on the back of my neck stands on end as I watch Danielle’s face fall under my husband’s words. He’s lost his damn mind.

“Eric!” I yell with such force that they both jump.

Eric clenches his teeth. “Natalie, this is my office—”

“And you’re being an ass. Come on Danielle, I’ll walk you to your car.”

I grab Danielle’s hand, shoot Eric a nasty look, and slam his office door behind me.

That was really unprofessional of me. But really nasty of him. I win.

“I didn’t mean to cause trouble up there,” Danielle says as we reach her car, parked haphazardly between two spots.

“Don’t worry about it. He’s been really stressed about the Ph.D. stuff—you know what, that’s not important. Don’t share this incident with your classmates, okay? Just go see your boyfriend off. Kiss him until they clear their throats and you’re sure you should be embarrassed because you’re the last one there. But don’t be. Don’t be embarrassed. Just kiss him with everything you have.”

“Thank you, Natalie.” After a quick hug, Danielle speeds out of the parking lot.

I don’t envy her. Not one bit.

With that, I slide into my car and press my head against the steering wheel.

Not one bit.



* * *

“So, what’s next? What happens now?” I asked him between thick kisses on my dorm bed.

The past week had been non-stop dinners, kissing, and sex. Studying filled in what little blanks there were. It was like we were trying to drink ourselves full of each other before the drought.

“Tomorrow we say good-bye, then I train in Texas for a few weeks, then we go.” Ryker ran his nose along the outside of my ear and whispered, like he was telling me fairytale; a bedtime story that I could wake up from.

“I don’t want to tell you good-bye.” I blinked some tears away. He pulled his head back when they hit his cheek.

“No tears tonight, all right? I want to see you smile. You have a gorgeous smile, Nat.”

Of course, that made me smile.

I kept my smile and wiped away more tears. “Will you be able to call me?”

“I think so.” Ryker slid his hands up my shirt, dragging his lips behind them.

Stop talking about it, Nat. Enjoy this.

He just needed me that night, the September 10th Natalie, not the Military Girlfriend Natalie. I was happy to give it to him, but suddenly felt nervous—as if it was our first time. I quickly shook those thoughts away and realized I needed to capture every sensory memory of him that I could before he went off to war.

F*cking war.

“Do you have to go back to your dorm tonight?” I asked, sitting up on my elbows.

He laughed and pulled off his shirt, “No, Nat, I don’t have to be anywhere for the next twelve hours.”

“Yeah, you do.” I took of my shirt and pulled him back down on top of me, “Right here is where you have to be.” I reached between us and unzipped my pants; he sat up on his knees and did the same.

When he positioned himself between my legs he shook his head before kissing me. “Damn, you’re fine. How did I get so lucky?”

“You kissed me the second we met.” I let out a long sigh as he slid into me.

Ryker moved in and out of me slowly, but kept talking at first.

“That was ballsy of me, wasn’t it? Man,” he moaned, “you feel so good, Natalie.”

I left my eyes open and watched him close his eyes tightly while he bit his lip. I loved him. I realized it in that second. I can’t be sure if I would have felt the same thing at that precise moment if he wasn’t about to head to war; but I felt it anyway. It was now or never.

I grabbed his face and pulled up from my neck. “I love you, Ryker.”

He smiled with his eyes first, then it traveled to his mouth. “I love you too, Natalie.”

“Make love to me all night. Don’t stop, okay?”

His arms flexed on either side of my shoulders as he moved faster. “I wouldn’t dream of stopping. Not now.”

And that’s just what we did.

The rest of it is a painful blur. With a kiss, Ryker slipped out early in the morning and told me he’d see me later. Tosha checked my makeup as I prepared to drive to see him off. Ryker’s dad, who I’d met a few times since he lived in the area, offered to drive me, but I politely declined. If I was going to hold my shit together to say goodbye to Ryker, I needed a safe place to bawl my eyes out when it was time to leave.

“Remember,” Tosha said, placing a hand on my shoulder, “don’t fall apart, okay?”

“Tosh . . .” I rolled my eyes, we’d been over this.

“You’re both going to be scared shitless, but neither one of you can let the other one know. He’ll be brave for you, you’ll be brave for him, and that’s how you’ll leave things. Just trust me, okay? That’s what my uncle said it was like when he left my aunt during Vietnam. You’re strong for each other. That’s it.” It was the most serious string of sentences to ever come from Tosha Danbury’s mouth.

“You better have wine and cupcakes for me when I get back.” I tried to joke, but we just stared at each other.

“Of course. I love you, Nat. You can do this.”

I can’t tell you how I got there that day. I can tell you that my dress was red. And that I never wore it again. I gripped the wheel with all my might and drove until my car stopped at the place I was supposed to say goodbye. There was no band, no parade, and I felt far less glamorous than the World War II women I’d seen in pictures.

I spotted Ryker’s dad first; he seemed to be waiting for me near the entrance.

“Ready, Kid?” he asked, wrapping my shoulders into his arm.

We really were just kids.

When we walked into the large hall, I was nearly brought to my knees at the scene. Families. There were families everywhere. There was laughing, but mostly crying and hugging; apparently an overwhelming amount because I didn’t realize I’d stopped in the doorway.

“Come on, Hon, I see them up ahead.”

Them was Lucas, his parents, and who I gathered to be his grandparents, a woman I recognized from pictures to be Ryker’s mom—who lived in Wyoming—and then, Ryker. It was the first time I’d ever seen him in fatigues, aside from pictures, and as soon as his eyes met mine and a smile forced its way across his face, I lost it. I didn’t crumple to the floor in a heap, but I simply couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face.

Ryker hurried over to me and lifted me into a full body hug.

“No tears,” he whispered, “I’m gonna be good—it’s gonna be good.” Yeah, he was comforting me as he was about to embark on the scariest thing I could think of.

I nodded when he set me down, trying to force words through my shaking throat.

“Julia.” Ryker’s dad, Bill, came around me and hugged Ryker’s mom. She quickly wiped her eyes before turning to me.

“You must be Natalie, it’s nice to meet you.” I stuck out my hand, but she wrapped her arms around me instead.

Ryker’s sister, Crystal, couldn’t be there as she was in the Peace Corps in Africa. I got to meet Lucas’s parents, too, and for several minutes the families stood around, facing Ryker and Lucas, who looked remarkably relaxed next to one another. Lucas was positively beaming, in fact. Mistakenly, I looked around the room when we were told we only had a few minutes left.

Wives clutched their husbands as toddlers played on the floor between them, a female guardsman sang her daughter a song while she put clips in her hair, and another member was crouched down in front of his wife, kissing her visibly pregnant belly. Each one of these soldiers had entire lives they were leaving at the drop of a hat—at the call of war.

I wanted to tell him not to go, to sink to my knees and grab his legs like a child in a tantrum; but Tosha’s voice reminded me to keep it together. I walked toward Lucas and gave him a hug first.

“Be safe,” was all I could say.

Seriously?

“We will, Nat.” His smile might have convinced me, if there wasn’t sobbing all around us.

All the parents and grandparents hugged the boys. I didn’t know much at the time about Ryker’s relationship with his mom, other than it was strained, but he rubbed her back and wiped her tears as she stepped away from him.

And then it was my turn.

What started out as casual dating several months ago was anything but, in that moment. My chest hurt at the thought of having to walk out of that building in a few short minutes. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want him to go.

“Bye.” I buried my face into his shoulder and my entire body shook.

So much for keeping your shit together, Nat.

“I love you, Nat.” It wasn’t a whisper; everyone heard.

“I love you too,” I managed before kissing him long and hard on the lips.

He squeezed me desperately, before pulling away and giving me a nod and a smile.

“I’ll call the first chance I get, K?”

I nodded. “Just come home.”

He took my shoulders and bent down so we were eye-to-eye. “I will.”

In hindsight, I should have said something like come home with Lucas, come home as a whole person.

I didn’t.

Ryker’s dad gave Lucas a hug; Lucas’s dad did the same for Ryker.

“You boys take care of each other, you hear me?” Bill spoke sternly.

“Yes sir,” they half-chuckled in unison.

And that was it. I don’t remember anything else about the final seconds. All I know is I made it to my car and exactly halfway back to my dorm before pulling over and screaming and crying into my steering wheel.

* * *

I pull my head from a different steering wheel when I hear Eric’s voice.

“Natalie,” he speaks through the half-opened window.

A quick glance at the clock tells me I’m going to be late.

He leans down. “I’m sorry about what happened with Dan—”

“F*ck off, Eric. I have to go get the boys.”