In the Stillness

CHAPTER 40



“How long did he stay?” Tosha asks far too early the next morning.

“A few hours.”

“And you didn’t talk?” she nearly shrieks through the phone.

“Not a word.”

Relaxed, I sit in the kitchen with my coffee and stare out the window. Ryker and I stayed in the same position on the couch for hours, holding hands in silence. Silence, I suppose, is a relative term used to describe what others might have seen. I’m sure his head was filled with as much noise as mine as I replayed everything he’d told me, and cried a little more for what my ex-boyfriend had been through.

“What’d he say when he left?” Tosh sounds impatient.

“That he was glad he came over, and that it helped him fill in some gaps . . . then he kissed my forehead and left.”

“He keeps doing that.”

“What?”

She laughs. “Kissing your forehead.”

“Yeah . . . he does.” I can’t stop my grin.

“Does it bother you? I can hear your smile, you know.”

“Not really. It doesn’t, like, mean anything. It’s just . . . it’s Ryker.”

I can’t deny that having his lips on my skin feels good. Not in a lust-filled sort of way, but in a comforting way. Spending time with Ryker feels like coming home somehow.

“Mmhmm,” Tosha mumbles.

“All right, I gotta go, Tosh. I’ve got to gather stuff for the boys’ birthday party this weekend. Tell me you’re still coming.” I feign panic. The party is at Eric’s parents’ house, and while my parents will be there, I need someone completely in my corner for the day.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Her voice turns a shade serious, “You okay today?”

“I really am. Love you, Tosh.”

“Love you too, Natalie.”



By the end of the week I’m looking forward to having the boys back in my apartment, even if it means I have to get through their birthday party with our families first. We’ve invited a few of their friends from preschool, along with my parents, Tosha, and Oliver’s nanny and occupational therapist.

My therapy session this week centered mostly on managing my stress for the party. Not the stress of the party, but seeing my parents for the first time since they brought the boys home and I was living in a new apartment. I know my mother thinks Eric and I should “just work it out” and will likely spend most of the party telling me exactly why. Dr. Greene helped me work through ways to take the situation into my own hands, and use it as an opportunity to deal with some unresolved things with my mother.

Joy.

After the birthday cake and presents, the boys and their friends are running around Eric’s parents’ expansive backyard. He’s chatting with them by the playhouse as I’m cleaning up inside. Ordinarily, that would annoy me—feeling trapped inside while he enjoys life outside. However, this chore provides me with a much-needed emotional break today. And, I know my mom’s going to want to corner me in private—which she’s just done by sneaking through the screen door.

“This was a lovely party, Honey,” she chirps as she gathers more cups and plates from the table.

I force a smile through my nerves. “Thank you.”

“Have you and Eric thought any more about marriage counseling?”

I roll my eyes. “Marriage counseling only works when both parties want to stay married, Mother.”

“Oh, Natalie, for goodness sake—”

“I started cutting again.”

Her face goes pale. My dad walks in just in time to hear it, too. Because, why not? His face turns red, though, and he looks like he’s about to cry.

My mom clears her throat. “What do you mean again?”

Oh, here we go.

“You know damn well that I was cutting in college, Mom. That’s the reason why I was in therapy. You said it was because I needed to get over my relationship with a soldier boyfriend. While that was part of it, it wasn’t the whole reason.” I take a breath as my dad walks toward me. “Just because you don’t want to admit that I was cutting doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

My dad puts a hand on my shoulder. “How long has it been going on?” He gets it. He knows how serious it was. We just never talked about it.

“It’s not going on anymore. I haven’t cut in almost eight weeks. But it was going on for a few weeks before Eric and I separated. I’ve been in therapy with Dr. Greene again since I moved out.”

My mom steadies herself on the counter as if I’ve just pushed her. I feel a huge weight lift from my shoulders as my dad hugs me. There’s still more I need to say, however, and she’s not going to like it.

“Mom, I need to talk to you about Ryker.” Ignoring the look on her face, I continue, “He was my boyfriend, and I loved him. Very much. He was sent to war—” I try to clear my throat, but it doesn’t matter, the tears are welling anyway. “He was sent to war, and you acted like that was a relief for you, when, for me, it felt like the end of my world.”

She straightens her face. “Oh Natalie, don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?”

“Leslie,” my dad’s stern tone catches me off guard.

“No, I don’t, Mom. I don’t think it’s dramatic at all. My boyfriend was shipped to a foreign country to fight, and I was scared. I was scared, and you weren’t there for me. And that hurt.” It feels so good to tell her that I’m unsure why I waited so long.

“I’m sorry, Natalie, but I knew getting mixed up with him would be hard on you, and I wanted to protect you.” She smoothes the front of her skirt and looks up at me unapologetically.

“You wanted to protect me from being in love? Mom, I would go through every single second of that again if it meant I still got to feel that kind of love—even for a moment.” My chin quivers as I spill a truth that’s been swirling in me for ten years.

“If you two were so in love then why did you have to cut yourself?” Her voice falters slightly, and I know I’m getting through—even if just a little.

“Because it’s a bad coping mechanism. I was scared and stressed and had no support. I loved him so much and couldn’t help him. Some people drink, some people do drugs, some people overeat . . . I cut.”

My dad turns me toward him. “But you said you’re not doing it anymore, right?”

I nod. “Right, but that doesn’t mean I won’t do it again . . . it just means that I’m going to work like hell not to.”

“I’m glad you’re working on yourself, Natalie,” my mom starts with a stone-like cadence. “I’m sorry if you felt like I wasn’t there for you . . . I thought . . .” My normally poised mother falters as she knots her hands.

Walking toward her, I hold out my arms. And we hug. “I know. I’m a mom, too, you know, and I get what you were trying to do. But, it hurt. I forgive you for it, but I had to be honest with myself, and you, and tell you. I just want to move on from it, okay?” And, I really do. I’ve learned that holding onto resentment and anger only poisons me. Forgiveness is the only way I have a shot of being healthy again.

She nods, and when we pull away from our embrace, she excuses herself outside. My dad is still standing behind me. With a deep breath, I turn around as he speaks.

“Nat, Baby—”

“I’ve been spending time with Ryker, Dad,” I blurt out. He barely looks surprised. “We’ve hung out a few times, talked a lot about the past, and I had dinner at Bill’s house.”

My dad smiles. “I know, Bill e-mailed me. He said it was great to see you again.”

“How often do you guys talk?” I chuckle.

“Off and on over the last few years . . .” He shrugs and I understand I’m not to press any further.

“He went to a therapy session with me a couple of weeks ago.”

“Who did?” Eric asks as he materializes from behind the sliding door.

Fantastic.

Slowly turning around, I meet his eyes. We haven’t spoken much today, but it hasn’t been awkward. Until now.

“Ryker.” I swallow hard and brace for his reaction.

Eric looks to my dad, and then the floor as he clenches his jaw. “Why?”

I know I don’t owe him any damn explanation, but I offer one anyway. “Because we went through a lot together, and—”

“And we didn’t?” Eric looks at me in disgust. “We had a marriage and a family, but you’ll bring him to your therapist?”

“It’s not like that, Eric . . . Dad, can you give us—”

My dad cuts me off with a nod and quickly excuses himself outside.

“What is it, Natalie?” Eric and I haven’t been alone in a room in almost two months. My anxiety is rising quickly.

“I was always very honest with you about my feelings, Eric. With Ryker, it was different. I had a lot of things that needed to be said to him in order for me to be able to move on. You have no idea what it was like when he came home—”

“Because you never talked to me!” Eric’s shout makes me jump.

“This isn’t about you, Eric. What you and I went through—are going through—has nothing to do with that. We made some tough choices early on that turned out to be the wrong ones.” I keep my tone firm and calm. A screaming match right now won’t do anyone any good.

“Like what, having the boys?” he mocks.

Sweet Jesus, are we having this conversation again?

“No, like getting married because we were worried about what other people would think. Like me staying at home . . . like you having an affair.” I haven’t thrown the affair in his face, but he needs to know that I’m not ignoring it.

“If you’d paid a little more attention to me, Nat—”

“Nope,” I shake my head, “no way. You’re not blaming me for the affair. It was your choice. One you made every day for a year, if I remember correctly. Look,” I run a hand through my hair and walk past him, “the party is winding down outside . . . I’m going to get the boys and go home.”

As I set my hand on the door, he speaks in an almost-whisper. “I loved you, Natalie.”

“I know,” I sigh, “I loved you, too. But, I can’t live in past tense anymore, Eric.”