In the Stillness

CHAPTER 33



“So, Natalie, it’s been three weeks since you officially moved out of yours and Eric’s apartment. How are things going for you?” Dr. Greene crosses her legs and waits with a gentle smile.

I called her first thing in the morning after the night Ryker visited me at Tosha’s. She was able to fit me in by the end of the week, which was great because I was at my wit’s end by then. I’d gone back to what’s now Eric’s apartment and retrieved the rest of my things. Sure, he tried to blame his performance in front of Ryker on his alcohol consumption. But, he wasn’t that drunk. And, by the end of what turned out to be a fairly mature discussion, we realized that there are some broken things that can’t be put back together.

“Listen, Eric,” I said, “It’s going to be hard enough to explain to our parents and the boys about what’s going on. Let’s leave your affair and my cutting out of it, okay? It’ll just make things worse for both of us.”

After a long pause, he said, “Fine. You’re right.”

He has an image to protect, after all. I’m not sure what would be worse for him, admitting an affair, or having a wife with issues.

“Also,” I took a deep breath, “please don’t mention anything about Ryker. I don’t know if he and I will ever see each other again, but you know . . . my mom.” I stared at the floor until Eric grabbed my shoulders.

“I know, Natalie. It’s fine. I’m sorry, again —”

“Don’t. It’s okay. It’s over.”

It’s all over.

Taking a deep gulp of air, I smile back at Dr. Greene. “It’s going okay. I was able to use some of my grandmother’s trust fund to rent an apartment in Northampton for a while, and my old department at Mount Holyoke was thrilled to employ me for adjunct courses. Smith wants me to teach some, too.”

“Have you cut in the last three weeks?”

Man, she gets right to it, doesn’t she?

Knotting my hands, I briefly look to the floor before facing the music. “I have. Once.”

She nods, clearly expecting the answer. “Do you want to talk about it?”

That’s not really a question.

“It was last week. When the boys came home from my parents’ the week before, we had them stay at my place, because Eric had a project to work on and they’re with me most of the time anyway.”

I pause and recall their excitement of staying somewhere new, mixed with the dread I felt about having to explain it to them. I’d called my parents before, and Eric called his, and we gave the most political explanation for our separation we could. Both of our mothers cried.

“Anyway,” I continue, “the first night that they stayed back with Eric . . .” My eyes fill with tears and I reach for a tissue. “I just . . . I’ve fantasized about peace and quiet for so long, dreamt about being left alone . . . but when the TV was off, and the sun was down . . .” I’m in a full sob right now. “I’ve just never felt so alone, and I couldn’t take it.”

“How did it feel when you cut that night, Natalie?” Dr. Greene’s tone remains spa-like smooth.

“Awful,” I admit. “It felt so foreign for some reason. It was the first time it’s ever felt that way. I felt worse when it was over than when I’d started.”

“Have you done it since?”

“No.”

“Have you thought about it?”

“A lot.” I nod, rolling the tissue between my fingers.

“Now,” she shifts a little in her seat, which isn’t like her, “have you spoken with Ryker at all?”

Ah.

Dr. Greene knows more about Ryker than any other single person on the planet, apart from Tosha and me. She was the doctor my parents set me up with when they allowed me to return to Mount Holyoke. I had to see her regularly for my entire repeat junior year. When I told her last week, at our first session, that we’d run into each other after almost ten years, I saw a look on her face that I’m fairly certain wouldn’t pass as professional, but it made me laugh anyway. She seemed as relieved as I am that he seems to be doing well.

“I haven’t. He hasn’t called me, either,” I add for an unknown reason.

“Does that bother you?”

Yes.

I stare at her a while before I answer. I thought about calling him the next day, to thank him again for the night before. But, we said everything that needed to be said. Sort of. Then, I just had to deal with my life. Moving, coordinating therapies for Oliver, and contacting divorce attorneys has really taken up a lot of time. Admittedly, I’ve avoided the Saturday Farmer’s Market on the common because I just know he’ll be there, and apparently, I’m not ready.

“To be honest, it does. Maybe he’s just letting me figure things out. I told him I was going to get help.”

“Do you plan to call him?”

I shrug. “Probably.” I have no idea when, but, I miss him. I really miss him.”

A faint smile sprints across her face before she checks her watch. “Okay, Natalie, our time’s up for today. See you next week?”

“You got it. Thanks again, Dr. Greene.”

Stepping outside onto the busy Northampton street, I make the short walk back to my apartment. I was thrilled to clean out my storage unit, filling my apartment with everything that represents who I was and who I am. Tosha calls.

“Hello?”

“Hey lady. Do you have the boys this weekend?”

“No, I dropped them off with Eric this morning before my shrink appointment. Hey,” I pause, a second before deciding to go forward with my plan, “do you want to go to the Amherst Farmer’s Market with me tomorrow?”

I can just picture the look on Tosha’s face as she considers. After a short pause she finally responds. “Yep. I’ll pick you up at 8.”

“You better stop for coffee if we’re going that early,” I laugh.

“I think we’ll need more than coffee,” she grumbles before hanging up.

Tosha knows everything about the night Ryker was there, and Eric showed up. It certainly didn’t help her already shitty interpretation of Eric. Either way, she agreed not to go after him for being a total jerk.

By the time Saturday morning actually gets around to getting here, I’m thoroughly nervous. Ryker and I have already seen each other three times, but this feels different. It’s like I’ve been stripped naked in front of him. I need to see him on a day I’m feeling good and relatively put together.

“What are you going to say?” Tosha asks as we find a parking space.

“I’ll start with hi, I suppose.”

“You’re such a bitch,” she laughs.

“Well, Jesus, Tosh, we kind of put everything out there the last time we saw each other, and we used to sleep together. There’s not a load of mystery left between us.”

“True. All right, do you want me to, like, stand with you, or just pretend to be browsing herbs nearby?”

I think for a moment. “Herbs nearby.”

“Fine.” She rolls her eyes.

Walking amongst the stands on the common, I spot Ryker immediately. The thought of turning around is tempting. Very tempting. What if he said all he’d needed to say the last time we were together? What if I’m just going to cause more problems? I’m about ten steps from his tent and he spots me. His eyes light up and I can’t help but smile.

“Hey you!” Walking around the side of a table, he pulls me into a tight hug. I let out a breath I think I’ve been holding for ten years.

He smells the same. Every time, he smells the same.

“Hey yourself.” I smile and gesture toward his produce. “You look like you’re doing really well here. That’s great!”

Ryker shrugs, trying to be modest, but I can tell he’s really proud. And, I’m happy for him.

“I was wondering if I’d see you here.” His eyes catch mine and I feel a twinge in the center of my chest.

“Yeah, well, the last few weeks have been busy. I moved out—”

“Sorry, Nat . . .” He places his hand on my shoulder and leaves it there a beat longer than I think he might.

“No, don’t worry about it. It was long overdue. Anyway, I’m also starting to teach some anthro classes at Mt. Holyoke, and I’ll start some at Smith in the fall, as well.”

As if his smile could get any bigger. “I’m really happy for you, that’s awesome. How’s Oliver?”

His question catches me slightly off guard. It still seems weird to be discussing children of mine with Ryker Manning.

“Um . . . he’s fine, but his hearing really seems to be fading fast. Any free time I have is spent studying ASL and I’m starting to use it a bit with him. It’s only been a month since his diagnosis, but I can tell he’s struggling . . .”

“You should bring the boys to the farm sometime, I’m sure they’d love it.”

I smile at his thoughtfulness. They would freaking love it. “Sure, that sounds fun. It’s a bit nerve-wracking taking Oliver places right now—since his hearing kind of fades in and out, I can’t trust that if he’s about to get hurt and I shout his name that he’ll hear me. He kind of needs to be shadowed all the time.”

Ryker excuses himself to help a customer while I study the produce in the baskets around my feet. He did this. All of this came from Ryker . . . Ryker. It starts to choke me up, when he comes back.

“Sorry about that.”

“No worries,” I smile, “you’re busy, that’s good. Listen, I actually came specifically to talk to you about something. I’d like to see your dad.”

Ryker swallows hard as he nods. “He’d really like that. You didn’t have to ask me first, you know.”

“I did, because I was wondering if you’d go with me . . .” I cast my eyes downward for a moment before I remember strict instructions from Dr. Greene to practice looking people in the eyes again. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Nothing to be ashamed of . . . deep breath.

The only problem is, when I look Ryker in the eyes, my insides scramble. He’s the only person I’ve ever loved like that, and the only person who made me feel a loss I never thought I’d recover from. The bookends of every extreme emotion I’ve ever experienced sit right in those gorgeous, endless, blue eyes. The last bit of blue that remains in the sky before day bows to sunset—that’s where I’m staring.

“Of course I’ll go with you. Want to meet me there for dinner? Say, six?”

“Tonight? Okay, that sounds good. See you then.”