In the Stillness

CHAPTER 25



“Hi,” I smile through my whisper. I’m sure I’m blushing like a teenager.

Ryker holds the door open for me, the all-American smile I’ve longed to see has returned. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

I wasn’t sure I should, honestly. But after seeing him at the market, Ryker set up residence in my head. One visit couldn’t hurt. Maybe we both need closure . . . or something. Certainly getting a restraining order and not seeing each other for ten years doesn’t count as closure.

“Manning Farms? How could I not?” I wander through the first floor of the old farmhouse, running my hands along the knotty-pine leading to the kitchen. “You’ve really done good for yourself, Ry.” Turning around, I find him leaning on the door frame.

“Thanks.” He shrugs, keeping his eyes on mine.

Walking over to the basin sink, I elevate onto my tiptoes and scan the fields through the small kitchen window. “How long did all of this take? I mean . . . how long have you been farming?”

Something changes in the air. So does his voice. “Just a few years. You know, after I got over you totally f*cking me over.”

My blood runs cold as I turn to find him standing in fatigues that he wasn’t wearing when I arrived. He’s pale and sweating, just like the last night I saw him. And he’s holding a gun. My heart hammers in uneven rhythm through my chest as I consider my options for escape.

“What?” I think I should keep him talking.

“You destroyed me, Natalie—ruined my life. That little stunt you pulled in your dorm cost me everything.” He watches me from underneath his eyebrows as he takes one, two, three steps toward me.

“Ryker . . .” Pulling from my old bag-of-tricks, I try to say his name to remind him that he’s in reality, while my palms lose traction against the counter.

“All I wanted was to be a soldier, Nat . . .” My breath trips as he lifts the handle of what I guess is a pistol.

“You are a soldier, Ryker. You served—”

“You know what I mean!” he screams as the barrel of the gun stares me straight in the face for a split second. It seems to surprise him, too, and he lowers his hand back down to his hip. “See? I can’t stop hurting you. Even now. Look at yourself.” He tilts his chin toward me.

Glancing down, I find every single cut I’ve ever given myself open and bleeding down my arms and legs.

What the f*ck? I have to get out of here. This isn’t real. What’s happening?

Looking back up, I find Ryker holding the gun to his head.

“Ryker. Ryker . . . don’t.” I’m panicking, begging him to stop.

“I can’t do it, Nat. Not anymore. Lucas, you, my dad . . . I’ve hurt too many people. I need it to stop.” His brow furrows as he closes his eyes and whispers something I can’t hear.

“Don’t! Ryker! Ryker!”

He pulls the trigger and a sound tears through me I’ve never heard before. I fall to my knees, landing in blood—I can’t tell if it’s coming from him or me.

“God, Ryker, no! I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry! Please . . .”

“Natalie! Wake up!” I turn around to find Eric standing by the sink, holding out his hand.

I wave my hand dismissively. “Go away!”

“Wake up. Wake up!” he says again.

My shoulders start to shake, but not from my tears.

I have to wake up . . .

In one motion I’m seated on the edge of my bed, feet touching the floor. Audibly gasping for air, my skin is damp and I’m shaking.

Holy shit.

I jump when a hand lands on my shoulder, relaxing only when I realize it’s Eric. Momentarily disoriented by the daylight barging through my windows, I glance at the clock and see it’s only three in the afternoon. I’d come in the bedroom to read for a bit and must have fallen asleep.

“Jesus Christ, Natalie, what was that?” He kneels in front of me, a look of concern on his face I’ve only seen once before.

“A dream . . . nightmare . . . did I say anything?” I realize tears are still streaking down my face. I can’t stop them.

“You were screaming for Ryker to stop.” Eric’s face twists awkwardly when he says Ryker’s name.

I nod and swallow, petitioning my nerves to stop vibrating and my heart to return to normal.

“Weird . . .” is all I can manage. There’s no way I can possibly explain that nightmare to Eric without telling him I ran into Ryker. Without telling him that the guilt I carry for ruining Ryker’s life still makes it hard to breathe some days.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Do I f*cking appear to be okay?

I nod. “I just need a shower and a drink.” I chuckle more for myself than him. “We’re still on for tonight, right?”

“Right. Are you sure you’re all right? I was just heading out to help finish moving the offices, but I’ll stay—”

“No, go. It’s good.”

The last thing I need is Eric in my face while I try to process what the hell just went haywire with my subconscious.

Eric lets out a sigh that’s clearly one of relief more than resignation before he kisses me on the cheek. I flinch a little—but maybe it was internal because he doesn’t seem to notice—and he’s out the door.

With a sigh of my own, I land face down on my pillow and moan sobs that stretch from my dream—sobs that feel like they’re from the beginning of time—until I find myself dry-heaving in the bathroom with a razor in my hand.

I choose a new spot this time. One I’ve never used before. The inner arm, a few inches from my armpit. Goosebumps of anticipation spring throughout my scalp as I close my eyes and bring the blade to my skin. The moment of contact floods me with relief from the hell that was that nightmare. The second pass is for the family I’m about to break up. Ashamed that I’m going to force a little boy who’s going deaf into living in two different homes, I keep cutting. For him. For me. For ruining lives.

Apparently, I’m good at that.



Two hours later, I’m pulled together enough to meet Tosha for a drink before I have to face Eric and his colleagues, when I hear his cell phone ring in the kitchen.

Great. He left it here.

I call Tosha.

“Hey, I’ll be a few minutes late. I’m going to run by Eric’s office and give him his cell. He left it on the counter.”

“Oh, f*ck him.” I can tell she’s mentally flipping him off.

“Well, the thing dings with emails and shit every five seconds. It’s annoying. I’m not meeting up with him for a few hours anyway, and if I decide to bail on him I’ll need him to have his phone.”

“Good point. Hurry your ass up.”

“Judie’s, right?”

“Of course. I’ll have a martini waiting.”

“Make it extra strong. I’ll explain later.” I have to tell Tosha about the dream. We used to analyze our dreams all the time in college. Well, until mine became really scary and I stopped telling her about them.

As I drive through campus, I decide to call my parents to check in on the boys.

“Hello?” My dad’s voice sounds light and playful.

“Hey Dad, just calling to check on my little men.”

“Boys, you wanna talk to mommy?”

They cheer their response and it hits me—I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to talk to Oliver on the phone. Then what? Skype? What did people do before Skype?

My dad puts the phone on speaker. “Hi Mommy!” they shout in unison.

“Are you guys having fun?” I force a cheery tone despite the hippopotamus sitting on my throat.

“Yes!” They spill into a rant about the fun things they’ve done and cool things they’ve eaten. They sound happy and I have to remind myself, that’s the most important thing right now.

Until I tell them Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. Which I can’t do until Eric acknowledges that’s what’s happening.

Sigh . . .

I say my goodbyes to them and my parents as I pull into the lot in front of Eric’s building. I see his car, and I’m glad he didn’t switch buildings when he switched offices or I’d be screwed.

Putting the car in park, I press my head back into the headrest for a moment, still trying to get that nightmare out of my mind. Ryker looked happy when I saw him at Atkins. And healthy. And we hugged. Still, I can’t escape the shiver that comes from hearing the gunshot inside the nightmare as I open the door and head for Eric’s building.

I make my way to Eric’s old office first, since I’m not sure where his new one is. I figure if someone else is in there they can point me in the direction of where to go. Walking up the stairs, thanks to the broken elevator, I’m thankful for the lack of military girlfriends in my path, unlike the last time I was in here. With any luck there won’t be any crying coeds in his office since school’s done. Rounding the corner to his office, I’m glad to hear Eric’s voice for a second before it goes silent like he’s on the phone—this means I don’t have to go on a scavenger hunt for him.

I nearly trip through his doorway when I find him standing in front of a woman sitting on his desk. It’s not so much that I’m surprised to see them there; it’s more about the fact that her legs are wrapped around his calves, and their tongues are in each other’s mouths as he holds the back of her neck that causes me to drop his phone and watch the screen shatter into a million pieces.