I had barely been able to speak when the police came to ask questions about what happened, trying to work out whether Garrett was responsible. It was clear that they didn’t care if he was morally responsible: his hand hadn’t touched Jake so he wasn’t at fault. He was probably already back at home, living a life of luxurious contempt, whilst Jake was lying cold. Dead.
But was it Garrett’s fault? Or mine? The question taunted me every time I allowed it an inch of space in my mind. I just about managed to keep it out with a combination of self-pity and memories which made me heave with tears, but it was a fragile balancing act which threatened to tip me into the void.
“Come on, Neve, I’ve showered you before. Remember?” Cass was sat on the edge of my bed, speaking to me like I was her little sister, Sylvie. “It won’t take long. I’ll dry your hair afterwards. You can even get straight back into bed. Please? Or, if you’d rather do it by yourself, I can sort out some clean sheets while you’re in there.”
I didn’t want to move, to get out of bed, to accept that life was carrying on. Jake-less.
“I’m fine.” I couldn’t remember the last time I’d used my voice.
She pulled the covers away from my head. “No, you’re not. And nobody expects you to be. But you need a shower and this bed needs clean sheets. So either you sort it or I will.”
“I said I’m fine. Please, just go.”
“No. I can’t do that. I love you too much to do that. Get up.” I rolled over to face the wall. “I mean it, Neve. I’m not going anywhere until you’re clean.” I didn’t care about her implied threats. “This is your final chance, Neve.” I remained where I was. Until she yanked the duvet off the bed.
“Fuck off, Cass! Don’t you get it? I don’t want to have a fucking shower. So go away, go make out with your boyfriend. Because at least you’ve got one. LEAVE ME ALONE.”
“You can moan and shout all you want, but I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not going to take any of that crap you’re spouting personally, either, so I’d save my breath, if I were you. Now, are you going to get up or do I have to do that, as well?”
“It’s not crap I’m spouting! Didn’t you hear? My fucking boyfriend died. In my arms. Dead. So sorry if I’m not bothered about my personal hygiene right now, but I’ve got other things on my mind.” I expected the next round of orders to follow. What I didn’t expect was Cass to climb next to me, spooning her body round mine.
“Ssshhh. I know, Neve. I know. That’s why I’m trying to take some of these things off your mind for you. So you can focus on what you want to: Jake.” She wrapped her arm around my middle, snuggling her face into the curve of my neck. “Nobody is trying to take that away from you.” The warmth of her hug, the feel of a body pressed into mine, gave me the comfort I needed to let go of some of the anger.
“Why, Cass? Why did it happen? I’m never going to see him again. Never going to touch him again. It’s not fair!”
“It isn’t fair. I can’t give you any reasons for it other than life is shit sometimes. But you can’t change what happened, Neve.”
“But why him? He is, he was such a good person. You know that, right? Why not murderers or rapists? He didn’t deserve it.”
“You’re right. He didn’t. But I don’t think you should focus on that. Focus on what was special about Jake. All the reasons you love him. Because that love is still alive. Look at all of the fantastic memories you have. Everything you did with him. Spend your time thinking about that. Thinking about his life.” Cass hugged me tighter, as if unsure about how I would react to her words.
“I want to. I really do. But I can’t stop that night playing over and over in my head. I want to get away from it, but I can’t stop looking at it. It’s all I have left.” I turned over to face her. “The look on his face at the end. He looked straight into me, Cass. As much as I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to forget it, either.”
“I know, lovely,” she said, stroking my back. “You won’t forget it. But don’t make it the main thing you remember. What was the happiest moment you had with him?”
“The day he told me he loved me at the park; he was so nervous. No, the weekend we had in Brighton, in that bed and breakfast. Or maybe the day we got back together, at the park, in the rain. I can’t decide.”
“That’s the point. You had so many amazing times; remember them. And don’t forget how lucky you are. You got to be loved by him – you are the only person to know what that felt like. To have Jake completely and utterly love you. Nothing can take that away. Ever.” She was right. Whatever life brought me, I had experienced full love. Jake would always be mine.
“Thanks, Cass.” I hugged her and then thought about what I probably smelled like. “Sorry. I’ll have a shower.”
“Praise the Lord! Do you want me to stay with you?”