“Please, Jake. Let’s just go. Please.” I tried pulling him across the street, away from trouble. I knew it was pointless, Jake trying to talk Garrett down; this was Garrett, after all. “Jake, don’t do it. Just walk away.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Garrett’s arm pull back and his fist move in a curve. I felt Jake take a sideways step to avoid it but stumble as he lost his footing. His hand slipped out of mine as he crashed to the ground, his head ricocheting off the kerbstone before dropping back with a thud.
Still.
Unmoving.
Garrett ran down the road as I fell to my knees.
“Jake!” He lay there, eyes closed, head resting on the kerb like it was a pillow. Like he was asleep.
“Look at me, Jake. Open your eyes.” Please.
“Look at me, Jake. Open your eyes.”
I see her, my vision blurred at the edges by a blinding white light. God, she’s so beautiful. Her hair is spread like gold over the pillow. Her eyes are focussed solely on me, looking at me, looking into me. I could lie here, over her, in her, forever. I inhale her. I taste her. I love her. Her.
“Please, Jake. Please!”
I hand Grace my plastic bucket and let her ruin my fort with a series of half-built, crumbly castles. Dad looks over and smiles praise at me for sharing. I want to please him so let her keep it. I follow Josh into the sea and we splish and splash, each trying to outdo the other. The water is freezing and I run out to Mum, stood holding a towel. She hugs me into it, rubbing away the cold and filling me with warmth.
“Stay with me, Jake. Don’t leave.”
Her eyes, her hands, her body, beg me not to go. I lean into her, trapping her against her front door, and kiss her heart-mark, loving the way it makes her gasp. I trace its outline with my tongue before trailing kisses back up to her mouth. My tongue dips in to take yet another taste of her, as though an evening, a year, a lifetime of kisses hasn’t been enough. I am greedy. I crave her. I can’t stop my hands circling her waist and pulling her hips into mine, revelling in her warmth, her heat. I don’t need words to show her how much I want to stay. She can feel it.
But I can’t.
“No. No. No. No. No!”
My eyes burning, I focus on Dad’s hand, everything outside of that small circle a white blur. I can feel the warmth of his fingers in mine and notice how similar our hands are. Mine is just smaller. Since the nurse turned the ventilator off, it’s just been me and Mum. Sitting and waiting. Willing time to stand still.
The beep of the heart machine breaks up the sound of Mum crying and her repeated denial of what is happening. Please. I’m silent, trying to work out what I want to say to him at that moment. What I need to say. I’ve made promise after promise but am losing hope that it will make any difference.
The heart-beep starts to get slower. Slower.
Slower.
I hold tighter, convinced his hand grips mine in return. Tears drop from my chin onto him.
I know this is it.
The end.
As his heart breaks, as my heart breaks, I send him my words. My love.
“I love you. Can you hear me? I love you. I LOVE you.”
I try, so hard, to open my eyes, to fight the bright light, desperate to see her one last time. Desperate to let her know.
My love.
My heart.
I love you. Can you hear me? I love you. I LOVE you.
“Look at me, Jake. Open your eyes.”
Every part of me shook. Knelt on the ground next to him, the pain of the tarmac pressing into my legs was the only way I could anchor myself to the world and what was happening. Taking his shoulders in my hands, I struggled to pull his inert body up to mine. His eyes stayed closed.
Please don’t let this be serious. Please let it be like that time I was knocked unconscious at school. Please.
“Please, Jake. Please!”
Strangers congregated. Looking.
One guy said he’d called 999. Why hadn’t I thought to do that? I held Jake to me, whispering.
Shouting.
Screaming.
All I could do was hold him, willing him to stay with me.
“Stay with me, Jake. Don’t leave.”
I kissed him, not caring about the audience.
On the cheek.
On the forehead.
On the mouth.
I yearned to absorb the strength of his body, to feel him trying with me.
But I couldn’t. He couldn’t.
“No. No. No. No. No!”
My eyes burning, I focused on his hand, everything outside of that small circle a white blur. I could feel the warmth of his fingers in mine and put all of my faith in that single sign of life.
Sirens wailed. People watched.
And I held him.
Held him whilst the paramedic tried to find his pulse.
Held him when she ran to the bike to get the defibrillator.
Held him, willing time to stand still.
Please.
I was silent, trying to work out what I wanted to say to him at that moment. What I needed to say.
The paramedic broke through the crowd, her and the rest of the world moving in slow motion.
I held him tighter, convinced his hand gripped mine in return. Tears dropped from my chin onto him.
I knew this was it.
The end.
As his heart broke, as my heart broke, I sent him my words. My love.