“No, Jake’s the eldest.”
“Okay. I’m going to speak to the nurse now. I won’t be long. You stay here.” He gave my back another rub before leaving me.
He returned with the nurse, talking to her in hushed whispers as they walked toward me.
I knew what she was going to say before she looked at me.
I knew it before we got to the hospital.
I knew it when Jake’s eyes had opened and he had silently told me he loved me one last time.
I just couldn’t, wouldn’t believe it.
“Neve, we’re just going to go to the waiting room. Come on.” He helped me up by the elbow, like I was an old lady, like I was someone who might crumple to the floor at any moment. Again.
I had to follow. I had to hear the words nobody wants to say and even fewer people want to hear.
We sat in a triangle of plastic chairs and I wondered if someone had decided this was the perfect seating combination for breaking bad news: no sides, everyone within comforting distance, nowhere to hide. The nurse reached across and put her hand on my knee.
“Neve.” I looked up. “I’m Simone. Jake suffered a serious head trauma when he fell.” Cue the dramatic pause they have in every hospital drama. “The emergency response team have done all they can, but there was nothing that could be done to resuscitate him. I’m sorry.” She gripped my knee more tightly, as if that would help the information to sink in. Or stop me running away from the truth.
I didn’t cry.
I didn’t scream.
I didn’t fall apart.
Then.
“Can I see him?” I needed to see my boy again, to touch him again. It would need to last me forever. They wouldn’t deny me that, would they? Could they?
“Of course. They’re just taking care of him now and then they’ll put him into a side room.”
“What about his mum? Do I need to ring her?”
“No, love. We’ve got his mobile and have already tried to get hold of her. The Police will make sure she’s informed as soon as possible.”
“Oh, okay.” I thought of Grace and Josh, being awoken by policemen knocking at the door. And then stopped myself: I couldn’t afford the luxury of worrying about their sorrow.
“Have you got any other questions?”
Why him?
Why us?
Why?
“Did it hurt him? Did he suffer?” I managed to choke out.
“No. The force of the impact knocked him unconscious and he didn’t wake up. He wouldn’t have felt anything.”
“Do you promise?” I whispered, needing her to tell me the only answer which would let me sleep again.
“I promise,” she said, looking into my eyes and willing me to believe her. “I’ll go and see how they’re getting on. You stay here until I get you.” Giving my knee one final squeeze, she stood up and left.
I sat in silence, trying to work out what it meant that Jake was dead.
That he was no longer living.
That he would never kiss me again.
Never.
“Neve! Neve, breathe.” Somewhere, on the edge of consciousness, I heard the paramedic’s words.
“What’s your name?” I wheezed.
“Jon.” He rubbed my back again.
“Thanks for—” As if he knew the worst moments of my life were being played out with complete strangers, Mickey arrived before I could finish. I fell into his arms, allowing myself to disintegrate into tears.
Jon squeezed my shoulder and left us. For the first time I could remember, Mickey was silent. He just held me. When the tears subsided a little, I sat back and tried to tell him what Simone had said. He didn’t ask questions, sensing there was no way I would be able to cope with replaying what had happened.
“When she gets you, do you want me to come in with you?” As touched as I was by his offer, I knew that wouldn’t have been right. I needed to be alone with Jake. To say goodbye. I shook my head against his chest and held on tight. “Okay. I’ll be here waiting. I’m not going anywhere.”
It wasn’t long before Simone appeared in the doorway. “Neve, do you still want to see Jake?” As scared as I was of what he would look like, I was more scared of not seeing him again. I nodded. “Come on then, love.”
Mickey gave me one final squeeze. “Be strong. And say whatever you need to tell him. His soul will hear.” His words made the tears fall faster, and I swiped at them as I followed Simone. She stopped outside a room. The blinds on the window and door were closed, but I knew Jake was in there. I could feel him.
“He’s in here. He’s comfortable. There’s nothing to be scared of. If you need anything, just press the buzzer. Ready?” I nodded. She held the door open. “Take as long as you need, honey.” She closed the door quietly behind her.
The dimness actually made it easier to focus on Jake. He looked just like he did when he slept. There was no mark, no bruise, blood. Just my beautiful, handsome boy. They had removed the remnants of his shirt and covered him with a sheet, tucked neatly underneath his armpits.
I walked over to the bed, uncertain if he would look different up close. But he didn’t. He was Jake.