Chapter Twenty-Three
The clock made me nervous. Two minutes left in sudden-death overtime and the Mountain Lions were tied up and down one player. Jagger never could hold his temper. From our seats, Sam and I had a clear view of him across the rink, and he looked pretty pissed.
“He’s hotter when he’s angry,” she noticed with a click of her tongue.
“Seriously?” I laughed her off.
“Defense! Defense!” the crowd yelled as Western State raced toward the goal.
My fingers dug into my vest as they shot and missed. The defenders swept out from behind the net and fired it up to the forwards. “Come on, Josh,” I whispered, afraid to say his name too loudly. Every time I’d heard it in the last three weeks I nearly destroyed the ground I’d gained.
Everything hurt. Breathing moved the lump in my throat. Sleeping on the other side of the wall from him meant I couldn’t sleep. Thinking about him shut me down for hours.
Thank God for the pain; it meant I hadn’t gone numb. It meant I was processing, albeit slowly, but still. I hadn’t vanished into myself. I pushed through the pain and acted as normally as I could with a broken heart. After the first day in class, when I’d only smiled politely at him and focused on Professor Carving, Josh stopped trying to talk to me.
I was thankful. I was devastated.
I knew better than to come tonight, but I couldn’t manage to stay away, not when the game was this important to him. It would be the last hockey game of his collegiate career.
Josh flew toward the Western State goal, passing up the other defenders so he was one-on-one with their goalie. My body coiled in tension. He would do it, he would win his team the league championship here. I knew it as certainly as I knew I missed him.
Deke one. Deke two. My heart stopped as he shot . . . and made it!
The arena jumped to its feet, screaming out his name. “Walker! Walker!” He’d done it: captained the League Championship team, scored the game-winning goal. I couldn’t stop the smile that consumed me any more than I could stop wanting to claim him, to say that amazing man was mine. My heart swelled with pride for what he’d accomplished.
The team cleared the bench, swarming onto the ice. He dodged the melee and instead skated over to where I stood against the glass. There was no victorious smile on his face, just those intense eyes staring out at me from under his helmet. He ripped off his glove and placed his palm to the glass where I stood. Helpless against him, I lifted mine and matched it across the glass. I heard a flash, a snap, but I didn’t care. Everything I had wanted to say to him—my pride and my happiness too—was there for him to see.
I was still in love with him. We both knew it.
A faint smile curved his lips, but it didn’t reach his eyes. They dulled in sadness, resignation.
He pushed backward off the glass, but before he turned to where his team was ready to engulf him, he looked back. He pointed to me, and brought his hand to his heart. Then he was swallowed up by his team, and I begged Sam to take me home.
“You sure you want to miss the party?” she asked as we pulled up to our apartment building. “It’s going to be awesome over at the house.”
I shook my head and stepped out of the car. “Not tonight. I just can’t.” I was too weak. Five minutes alone at the house with Josh and I’d be in his arms.
“Okay, baby girl. Get some sleep.”
“Be safe.” She waited until my key opened the front door and then took off for the after-party.
I dressed in my pajamas and climbed into bed, flipping the light switch off. In the darkness, I ran my fingers across the screen of my phone and got stupid.
Ember: Hey, please don’t reply. I just need you to know how incredibly proud of you I am tonight.
What didn’t I say? That I loved him, that I’d been miserable without him these last three weeks, that he consumed my mind in a way that reminded me of drug addiction and I was going through withdrawals.
Josh: You were in my head the whole game. You’re in my heart every minute I’m awake. I love you December Howard.
That damn lump was back in my throat, and tears threatened. I should have put the phone down. I should have tucked it into the nightstand. But I didn’t, blurry eyes and all.
Ember: I know. And you know that I love you, Joshua Walker.
Josh: I wish that was enough to change your mind.
Ember: Me, too. Night, Josh.
Josh: Night, Ember.
I swallowed back the pain, refusing to let the tears come. I couldn’t spend my entire life crying, there had to be a stopping point. I curled up with my phone on my pillow and drifted off to sleep.
Rhythmic pounding on the wall behind my head woke me up in a haze. I glanced at the clock: 2:57 a.m. What the hell? The sound continued, shaking the wall in time. What could he be doing? The only thing on that wall was . . .
Oh, f*ck. His bed.
My heart shattered into a million tiny pieces, which then shattered again. It’s not like he was cheating on me, right? I turned him down, broke up with him, hurt him. He’d just won the league championship tonight, what the hell did I expect from a playboy like Josh Walker? It was only surprising he’d waited this long.
But that didn’t mean I had to listen to it.
I scooped up my pillow and comforter and headed out to the couch. This time, as I lay down, I didn’t bother to stop the tears; I just let them consume me.
Monday morning, I slid into my seat in history and pulled out my notebook without looking at Josh. I couldn’t. I already envisioned him in bed with that other girl, I didn’t need to see his face to do it.
“Great game, Josh.” Mindy slid past him, running her hand along his shoulder as she claimed her seat. Maybe it was her.
I bit my lip and kept my eyes on my blank paper.
“Calm down, everyone.” Professor Carving pulled his notes onto the lectern. “Oh, and congratulations, Walker. That was quite a shot.”
“I had some great inspiration.”
I nearly gagged on my coffee.
“You must have,” Professor Carving agreed. “Now, we’re onto the end of the Battle of Gettysburg, and I’m assuming you’ve all done the required reading?”
A few muttered assents greeted him.
“Oh no? Pop quiz it is.” A collective groan went up. “Easy peasy. Just write your name on the top and, to the best of your recollection, write down your favorite line from the address.”
I scrawled my name across the top line and brought out of memory exactly what had stuck in my mind. Like I’d ever forget it.
He waited a few minutes before ending the quiz. “Okay, now everyone pass your paper to the right.”
I stuck my paper out at Josh without looking at him. His fingertips brushed against the back of my hand, scalding me, destroying me all over again.
I took Patrick’s paper from my left. He was quiet, unassuming, and, unfortunately for his sex life, kind of acne-ridden. But he was sweet as could be.
“Who wants to read the paper they have? Mindy?”
She cleared her throat, sounding like a porn star. “Forescore and seven years ago—”
“Ah, easy way out! Who else do we have?”
“I will,” Josh answered.
No. I didn’t want to hear his voice, but since plugging my ears and rocking back and forth wasn’t an option, I had to listen.
“Mr. Walker, let’s hear it.”
Josh’s voice was clear and strong. “That from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain.”
There was no sound over the erratic beat of my heart.
Professor Carving leaned back against the podium. “Ms. Howard? Why did that passage come to mind?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing would come out, not without breaking down in front of the entire class, which sure as hell was not going to happen.
“Ms. Howard?”
I shook my head and closed my eyes, wishing my seat would consume me and let me out of this situation where I couldn’t manage to complete a simple task like talking.
“Ember’s dad was killed in Afghanistan a few months ago,” Josh answered softly, reaching across the aisle and leaving my paper on my desk.
I opened my eyes and looked into the surprised eyes of Professor Carving. “I can see how that would draw you to this passage.”
I nodded my head, but he didn’t get it.
The rest of the class passed in a blur, then he dismissed us. I gathered my things at the same time Josh did. “Ember?”
I braced myself and turned, still blown away by how impossibly gorgeous he was, but his looks had nothing on his kindness, his warmth. Any girl in this school would have been grateful for just a shot at Josh, let alone his heart on a plate. “Yeah?”
He raised his hand like he wanted to touch me, but lowered it slowly. “Your dad, he didn’t die in vain.”
I pulled the loose piece of paper from my bag, folded it in half, and handed it to him. “What made you think it was meant for Dad? You’re the one resolved. What’s your full measure of devotion?”
I walked away before I had to listen to his answer.