Chapter Eighteen
Three knocks sounded on the door. Josh was right on time.
I checked my makeup in the mirror, like I hadn’t already done it a dozen times or more. Yup, my face was still there. I let out a deep breath and tried to slow my racing heart as I opened the door for our Friday night date.
The slow smile that spread across his face sent my heart rate flying again. “Hi.”
His teeth bit into his lower lip a scant second before he shook his head at me. “You can’t wear that.”
Ouch. “You don’t like it?” I looked down at the short, flirty skirt Sam had talked me into, paired with leggings and a low-cut sweater. This was her idea of “helping” the situation along.
“Oh no, I like it.” His eyes darkened. “You look edible, Ember. But you’ll freeze that cute little rear of yours off if you wear it.”
“What do you want me to wear?”
“Pants.”
I laughed. “These are pants.”
“Those are glorified pantyhose.” He took three steps, backing me against the entry-hall wall. My breath hitched as he reached down my left leg and lifted it, curling it by the knee around his waist. One move, and he had me so turned on I was ready to forgo the date and skip to the good-night kiss, or more. Or something. He ran his hand from my exposed ankle up my legging-clad calf, across the back of my knee and up my thigh, stopping where the skirt began. He brought his forehead down to rest against mine. “I can feel every curve of you under these, December, just as if my hand was on your naked skin.”
I arched up for a kiss and he pulled back, his eyes dark with familiar desire. “If I kiss you now, there will be no date.”
“I’m okay with that.”
With one last stroke of my leg, he released it from his waist and gently set it back to the ground. He lifted his hands like he was under arrest and backed away slowly. “Pants. Now.”
I pushed off the wall and headed back to my bedroom to change with an uncontrollable smile on my face. I had Josh Walker close to losing control.
Thank God for the stupid pants.
“I cannot believe this is your idea of a date.” I looked up at the ceiling of the Honnen Ice Arena for the fifth time this hour from my back. I’d been down so often that the cold had seeped through my vest, shirt, and into my skin. At least I’d worn gloves to spare my fingers.
Josh laughed, pulling me up yet again. “I guess it’s a pretty good way to get you on your back.”
“Ha. Ha.” My feet slipped out from underneath me, but he had a firm enough grip to keep me upright. It was the first time in his arms that I wasn’t thinking about taking his clothes off. “I can’t believe you find this fun.”
He skated me toward the goal and made sure I was steady before he skated around me. “This is where I live. Everything else is just breathing to get by.”
“So basically you brought me here to show off?”
He skated backward away from me, his grin drawing me in like nothing else could. “Is it working?”
“It’s making my butt sore.”
His laugh echoed around the empty hall. I skated out a few yards, forgetting my precarious position, and lost myself in watching him. He turned so quickly, I couldn’t believe he didn’t fall, and cut back toward me. It was true: this is where he lived, not just existed. There was vitality in him that didn’t exist anywhere else but on the ice. He’d had it in high school, but it had increased since then. He skated more powerfully, and yet had more control now. He was more skilled and more comfortable with it, more daring when the situation called for it, and more patient when daring wasn’t the way to go.
Where did I live? Where was I vital? Did I have anything that made me feel as alive as Josh looked right now?
“Hey, where are you?” he asked, gliding forward and bracing me before I fell. “You went far away just then.”
I forced a smile. “Nothing, no worries.”
“Don’t pull that crap with me. If there’s something on your mind, I want to know about it. Don’t shove it to the side.”
I couldn’t put it into words, not really. “It’s stupid.”
He came around my side and, with one hand around my waist, guided me smoothly around the ice. “I didn’t mean to push. It’s just that I don’t want you faking stuff around me. Don’t treat me like I’m someone else.”
We both knew who he was talking about. We made another turn, and I was careful to watch his feet, mimicking his smooth motions with my own. “You’re really happy out here.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t have anything like this. I can’t remember the last time I had something of my own. Something that made me feel driven, alive.”
He turned so he was skating backward, pulling me while I faced him. “If I remember correctly, you were a spitfire on the debate team.”
I would have tripped if he hadn’t kept me steady. “Debate team? That was eons ago. Like freshman-and-sophomore-year eons.” My eyes narrowed. “I don’t remember seeing you anywhere near the debate team.” If I had, I wouldn’t have bothered to look at Riley.
His grin nearly undid me. “I seem to recall a certain argument over school uniforms. You handed the opposing team their asses, and that paper was brilliant.”
“Hey! School uniforms are an equalizing measure that takes away a lot of the peer pressure to spend tons of money on clothes for stupid social status . . . Wait. You were actually there? You read my paper?”
“Yeah.” His thumb grazed across my cheek, and he took my hand. “I was Andrusyk’s TA, so I entered all his grades. What were you planning to do with all that fire?”
I braced myself for the oh-she’s-a-dork look. “I wanted to write history books, finding the other side of the story, kind of like Howard Zinn.” I quickly changed the subject before he could think I was an insane library-stalker. “Besides, you entering my grade was one thing, but actually being there to watch?”
His smile faded into a look of brutal intensity. “I had a thing for this girl, but she was way too good for someone like I was.”
The silence of the rink was only broken by the sound of our skates on the ice. “I had the biggest crush on you.” The confession tumbled and tripped from my lips. “I used to daydream about asking you to Sadie Hawkins, or that you’d notice me, but you were Josh Walker, and that was never going to happen.”
He swallowed. “I’m glad you didn’t. I wasn’t the right kind of guy back then.”
“But you are now?”
“That’s the beautiful thing about time. No one stays who they were in high school. You wrote the most amazing history papers, looked at issues with such fresh views. You’d be a great historian. Why did you quit?”
It took less than a second to think back and remember. “Riley.” It came out as a whisper, and I stopped moving my feet. We coasted for a few feet until Josh stopped us, waiting for me to continue. “We got together and made all these plans. I mean, they were good plans, but they were his, I guess. I decided to become an elementary teacher instead, and everything else just went away. Besides, quitting gave me more time for other things, and Dad was gone that year, so Mom needed help with Gus.”
“Do you ever think of yourself first?”
I laughed. “All the time. Don’t paint me as some kind of martyr, Josh. There are just certain ways that things run. Everything has a system, a schedule, and whatever doesn’t help that run gets eliminated. It’s logic, not selflessness.”
“And now that Riley isn’t in the picture? Are you still planning to teach?”
The pit of my stomach dropped out, threatening to take me with it. “Yes.” I shook my head. “No.” I closed my eyes and my breath rushed out as vapor in the air. “I don’t know. It wasn’t losing Riley that hurt the most. It was losing the plans we made. Everything was set, and straight, and perfect. Now everything is just a jumble, and I don’t know how to clean it up without him telling me.”
He nodded slowly. “Just make sure you’re doing what you need, Ember. Find what makes you happy. It’s out there.”
I shuffled the inches that separated us, bringing me up against his chest, and wound my arms around his neck. “The only time I really feel alive anymore is when I’m with you, and that scares the hell out of me.” I whispered the admission.
His lips met mine, cool and firm. The kiss was chaste, sweet, and more tender than any we’d shared before. He pulled me in even closer and rested his forehead against mine. “Everything about you scares the hell out of me, December.”
I didn’t have a chance to respond. A herd of elephants headed our way, coming through the locker-room entry to the ice hall. It was the hockey team from Colorado College, the Tigers, Gus’s fantasy come to life. When it came to hockey, Colorado College was the place to be.
“Hey! You can’t be here!” one of the players shouted, skating over. “We’ve got practice.”
“Yeah, man, sorry. We stayed a few minutes late. We’ll get out of your hair. Thanks for loaning us the ice. ”
A peculiar expression came across the Tiger’s face before surprise. “Hey, you’re Josh Walker!”
If I hadn’t been watching Josh so closely, I would have missed the quick jaw clench. “Yeah. Nice to meet you.”
The guy turned around, revealing his last name of Cedar on his jersey. “Lugawski, Hamilton! This is Josh Walker!”
“No way!” the other players skated over.
“Dude, you were, like, phenomenal! We’ve watched your tapes!”
I cringed at the “were.” Crowded by three padded hockey players, I suddenly felt very tiny, but very defensive of Josh. “He’s still pretty phenomenal.”
Josh backed me out and nodded to the guys. “Thanks again for the ice.”
“You still play?” Cedar asked, skating over as Josh moved me toward the door.
“Yeah, for UCCS,” he answered.
“Man! If Coach had known you were all healed up, he would have come calling. He’s always been a big fan of yours. How did he lose you to Boulder?”
Healed up? When had Josh been hurt? I’d never heard anything about him being injured during a game, but he’d left Boulder the year before I got there. His hand tightened around mine like he was holding something back.
Josh laughed. I wondered if anyone else realized it wasn’t a real laugh, or if I was just that tuned to him. “Full ride to CU. I couldn’t afford you guys, and your roster was too stacked my freshman year to afford me. Stars just didn’t align.”
Cedar shook his head. “Man, we would have been lucky to have you. When did you start playing again?”
“Just this last year.”
“Damn shame about your leg. But thank you. You’re a hero to the rest of us.”
Josh took his outstretched hand and shook it. “Nothing to thank me for. Just doing my part.” His voice dropped so low I had to strain to hear what he’d said.
“Still, it’s f*cking amazing.”
Man, these guys had a serious case of hockey-player hero worship.
“Cedar!” Another player called him back.
“Yeah!” He turned back to Josh. “Listen, if you’re ever at a game, let me know.”
Josh gave a tight-lipped smile. “Absolutely. We’re going to get out of your hair. You guys look good this year.” With another handshake, he pulled me off the ice, and I walked toward the bleachers with awkward, clunky steps. Skates did nothing for my poise.
I barely had my skates untied when Josh knelt in front of me, tension coming off him in radioactive waves. With more gentleness than I expected, he brushed my hands aside and had my skates off before I could blink. He was so intent on his task, I didn’t bother to tell him I could put on my own shoes. He slid my flats onto my feet and helped me stand.
“You ready?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I tossed one more glance at the black-and-gold clad team warming up. “Man, they’re good.”
Without looking back, he gently led me out of the ice hall. “They’re the best.”
Something was incredibly wrong with him. I hurried my steps to match his, coming in under his arm. He pulled me in.
Outside the rink, the cool air hit my face, and I took a deep breath. Josh opened my door and saw me safely inside the Jeep, but he didn’t get in right away. He walked around to his side, but then leaned back against the door, tugging his hair through his hands for a moment before leaning over. My first instinct screamed to go to him, but the vibe he was putting out said it was best for me to stay where he put me.
His head came back up, and he rested it briefly on the window before taking what looked like a huge breath and steadying himself. Then he opened the door, slipped inside, and gave me a smile. “Good first date?”
“Don’t do that.”
His eyes flashed a warning that I sailed right by. “Don’t treat me like I’m somebody else and hide from me.”
He gave a half sigh, half laugh. “I deserved that.”
I pointed to the arena. “That’s what you wanted.”
“Yes.” His hands dug into the soft leather of his steering wheel. “You weren’t the only one with plans.” I reached over and laid my hand on his thigh, needing to touch him. He closed his eyes, something akin to pain wracking his features.
He threw open his eyes, turned the radio up, and pulled out of the ice arena. He held my hand between changing gears, but didn’t speak the whole way home. God, I had been so self-absorbed. Yes, I had lost my father and the plans I’d made, but while I had been wrapped up in my family and my own life, I hadn’t paused to see that my tragedy wasn’t the only one around me. People lost their dreams every day.
He pulled the Jeep into his parking spot and hurried around to open my door. We both knew he didn’t have to, but he lowered me from my seat to the ground carefully, like I was something precious.
“You wanted to be a Tiger?” I asked, trying to get him to talk to me. I couldn’t be the only one to give away my secrets. I wanted to know everything about him, especially the parts he kept so carefully hidden from everyone else.
He unlocked the door to our building and waited until we were inside to speak. “Yeah. One of the happiest days of my life was when I was accepted to CC. But we couldn’t afford it, and CU gave me a full ride. So I went to Boulder.”
“And you were hurt? I never knew about it.”
He punched the elevator button with his finger. “It was off-season and not very big news.”
“Was that when you came home?” Shit. I knew next to nothing about Josh Walker.
He shook his head. “My mom told me she had breast cancer the day after winter finals my sophomore year. It’s just the two of us, not like she had anyone else to take care of her, you know? I transferred to UCCS.”
“And you call me selfless?” He was so lucky UCCS had honored his scholarship, especially since their team wasn’t on the same level.
Ding. The elevator opened, and we stepped inside. “That’s why I didn’t give you crap for transferring here. I know what it’s like to be the one your family depends on.” He twined my fingers with his and kissed the back of my hand.
“Your mom? Is she . . .”
“Mom’s great. She’s a fighter. Once she was in remission, she moved back to Arizona to be near my grandparents, and I stayed here.”
“But then you were hurt?” He was like a puzzle where every piece was black, and I couldn’t tell what went where.
His jaw clenched again. I wondered if he knew that I could spot his tell. “Yeah, right around the same time Mom’s scans came back clean. I wasn’t eligible my sophomore year, since I caught the tail end of their season, but I rocked my junior year, and Colorado College came to talk to me about a scholarship. I was hurt a few months later, and the rest—”
Ding. We were at our floor. We headed down the hall and paused in the middle of our doors, our hands still linked.
“It took you a year to heal?”
“It took me that long to get back to hockey, but I’ll never be as good as I used to be.” He looked deep into my eyes. “That’s the thing, though. Plans change, you adjust the sails and go with it. Just because I won’t play for CC doesn’t mean I won’t do something else equally amazing.”
“But it still hurts you.”
“Yeah, but it’s better bit by bit. It sucks to get it tossed in my face, but it’s not like I can change the past or what happened.”
Sure, he was talking about himself, and it wasn’t some back-handed lecture, but still, his words cut through me, leaving me raw, bare. I couldn’t change what the last few months had brought. I couldn’t bring back Dad, and I wouldn’t take back Riley, but I could step forward.
“One day, will you tell me what happened to you?”
He took a moment to answer, and then nodded. “Just not right now. I’m not ready.”
His honesty was more soothing than knowing about his injury. “Thank you for tonight.”
His hand brushed my cheek, cupping my face and sending a thrill of electricity down my neck. “Sorry. It may have been a little heavy for first-date material.”
“It was perfect. Then again, I’ve been dreaming of a date with you since the first day of my freshman year, so we probably could have done something atrocious and awful, and it would have been perfect. Don’t ever apologize for showing me who you are.”
“There was another reason I was happy about you transferring,” he admitted.
“Oh?”
“Selfishly, I wanted you near me.”
“Josh—”
“Listen for a sec. Yes, I wanted you near me, and I still do, but there’s something I have to give you, and then you can choose what to do with it. Wait here.” He disappeared into his apartment for less than a minute and came back with a manila folder, rubbing his fingers along it nervously. “This is because I know what you’re capable of, even when you don’t.”
He gave me the folder, and I opened it slowly, sucking in my breath. “An application for Vanderbilt?”
He smiled. “Some dreams aren’t dead, just sleeping. I need you to know every option you have, and not to be scared of them. More than this craving to have you near me, I want you happy.”
That was the moment I fell in love with Josh Walker.
Everything clicked into place, mending the broken parts of my soul enough to finally breathe freely, to soak in everything about him, and the beauty of what we were together.
He leaned down and brushed his lips over mine, still holding my face. I arched up for more, wanting everything I knew he was capable of giving. That was the problem with kissing Josh. The guy had some seriously addictive kissing abilities. He gave me another lingering kiss and pulled away.
“First date, remember?”
My jaw dropped. “Seriously? After everything we’ve—” He was like a high school girl, forcing me back to halfway-to-first-base at the start of every date.
He feigned shock. “Why, I’ve never! December Howard! Whatever would you think of me if I let you steal my virtue on the first date?”
“Right. You’re so virginal.” He oozed raw sex, the kind I knew would be a little bit dirty and a whole lot to handle.
“Everything with you is new to me.” He let go of my face and turned me toward my front door. “Get inside before I change my mind, December.”
“Oooh, am I getting to you, Josh?”
He reached around me, opened my front door, and gently pushed me inside. “More than you’ll ever know. Now be good. Go to bed.”
“It’s nine o’clock.”
“Doesn’t matter. Go to sleep. Fully clothed. Or study. Or something.”
I turned around and saw him leaning against the top of the door frame, his hands braced on either side of the door. He was so damn beautiful. “Are you thinking about a second date?”
His smile was breathtaking. “Hell yes.”
“Then you’d better give me a kiss good night worth it.”
In a millisecond he pulled me into him. My heart jumped, and my lips tingled in anticipation of what I knew had to come next. I was going to go mad if I couldn’t get his mouth on mine.
He leisurely took my face in his hands, brushing back the stray strands of auburn hair. He examined every curve and line of my face, his eyes skimming over my cheekbones, pausing at my eyes, lingering on my mouth.
Then he took my mouth the way I needed him to.
His lips moved in delicious ways that had me instantly ready for him. He slanted my head to gain better access, and all I could do was concentrate on not collapsing. He kept his hands on my face, but I craved them on every inch of my skin.
Once my knees wavered, he retreated. If I hadn’t seen the desire raging in his darkened eyes, I would have thought he was completely unaffected. “May I call you for a second date, Ms. Howard?”
“Yes, please, Mr. Walker.” My breath sounded like he’d just led me out of the bedroom. I wished he had.
“This evening was my pleasure.” He kissed my hand and backed away, closing the door behind him and leaving me braced against the wall.
Shit. Crap. Shit. Crap. Yeah, that. Every fiber in my body was calling out for him, and now I had to go to sleep knowing he was only a wall away? I wanted to scream in frustration. Instead, I picked up my purse and the application from where I must have dropped them and headed down the hall into the living room.
April sat huddled on my couch, her eyes red and puffy.
“She got here about half an hour ago,” Sam explained, dressed for the club. “She wouldn’t explain what was wrong, and I didn’t want to leave her alone.”
“I got it, Sam. You head out.”
She gave me a quick hug and after throwing a sympathetic look in April’s direction was out the door. Friday night was calling.
I tossed everything on the end table and sat next to my sister, pulling her into my arms. “April?”
“He left me. Brett found out about the other guys and said he was done.” Her sobs racked her tiny frame.
I held her to me and rocked her back and forth. I promised her everything would be okay and sent up a prayer to God that He would not make me a liar.
“What am I going to do?” Her warm tears soaked my neck. “I love him, Ember.”
I cupped her face in my hands and pulled her away so I could get a good look at her. The tears she cried were real and ugly. “You really want him?”
She nodded her head and bit her lip through the tears that tracked down her red cheeks.
“Then you apologize. No reasoning, no excuses. You were wrong, no matter what you’ve told yourself, and you’re going to have to own up to that.” She didn’t need my judgment, but she needed the truth.
Something had to give.
“Okay, I can tell him I’m sorry. I was wrong. I just—”
“No. No excuses, April. Not even to yourself. And apologizing doesn’t just mean you’re sorry, it means you won’t do it again, and unless you’re ready for that, you leave him alone.”
Her shoulders straightened, and I watched my sister grow up a little.