Fragile Minds

TUESDAY 25TH JULY SILVER



Lana and Ben walked through the ward doors in King’s College Hospital, and Silver stood. Lana went straight to Matty’s side, and Molly was there too, crying, sobbing now she’d seen her mother, plaits all awry, burying her face in her mother’s hip as Philippa melted away discreetly.

‘He’s going to be all right, Lan,’ Silver said, looking down at his sleeping son, normally so full of life, and he felt very old, so old at that moment. ‘They’ve done the CT scans. There’s no traumatic injury to the brain. He’s going to be fine.’

Lana stared at him. ‘Are you sure?’ she whispered. Her big blue eyes were filling with tears now, and he reached out his hand.

‘Yes, Lan.’ She let him take her hand. ‘They’ve assured us now. He’ll be fine. They sedated him to do tests, but he’ll wake up soon.’ He felt a huge lump at the back of his throat, and he swallowed hard. ‘I did tell him to wear that blasted helmet when he was on the skateboard. I kept telling him.’

‘You know what kids are like, Joe,’ she said, and he felt a throb of relief that she wasn’t angry. ‘It’s not your fault.’

For a second they locked eyes over Matty, and Silver tried to smile, before Lana sank down onto the bed, beside her youngest son, and she buried her head in the blanket, and she sobbed. ‘Thank God,’ she sobbed, ‘thank you, my God.’

Later Lana would explain where she had been this past week; how she had started to find hope; how she had sworn to start afresh with her family. She had always feared this was her end; that this was what would happen. Since the day that she’d made the worst decision of her life, since she rolled that bloody car, since the day Jaime Malvern’s little life was snuffed out, all down to her, she’d known that one of her own kids would be taken from her as payment, to avenge her sin. She had drunk more at first to block that thought and in doing so she had annihilated her own life, she had hidden in the gutter until she couldn’t get up again.

Eventually she had seen some sense, and she had come back to her children. But she daren’t love them too much: although she did love them more than anything. She loved every hair of their heads, every bone in their body, every freckle, every fingernail, every lost tooth and scraped knee; it didn’t matter if they argued or bickered, it didn’t matter if they never picked up their dirty socks or made their beds or lied about where they’d been or kissed the wrong girl, she loved them so fiercely that it threatened to destroy her sometimes. Only she didn’t dare show them; she didn’t dare show Him up there, in case He realised and He took them from her.

Lana had been doing her deals with the Devil and her deals with her Maker since the day she got sober; only it hadn’t brought her solace or peace.

Two weeks ago Lana had finally decided perhaps it was easier for everyone for her to end it. She’d sat on that beach last week and thought of walking quite calmly into that freezing sea. Until that man had been silhouetted on the cliff, and she had thought for a moment he’d come to claim her, to do away with her – until she realised he was a priest.

And Silver had to walk away himself for a moment, up to the vending machine, his arm round Ben, almost his height now, warm and sinewy beneath his father’s arm.

‘All right, son?’ Silver said quietly, and he heard the slight catch in his own voice. ‘Are you OK?’

‘Aye, Dad,’ Ben nodded his head, stuck his lean chest out manfully. ‘Now our Matty’s OK, so am I.’

Silver found himself craving open space, fresh air.

‘I’m going to go outside for a minute. Want to join me?’

Ben shook his head. ‘I’m going to call Emma, if that’s OK.’

Silver made his way out of the sterile building, past the pictures painted by ex-patients called Hope and Despair, feeling a wave of emotion more powerful than any he’d felt in a long time. He walked away from the neon-lit entrance, leant against the wall in the darkness, and he looked up for the stars – but there weren’t any. The city’s pollution hid them.

Silver had had enough of London for a lifetime at that moment. He found his gum in his pocket, but all he really wanted was a cigarette. He didn’t remember a craving this bad since the day of Lana’s court hearing.

The truth was he felt heart-sick. He knew he had messed up. He had been distracted by Sadie Malvern; driven by his own guilt. He should have sussed Helen Ganymede; he’d ignored his gut instinct and chosen glory. At this moment, he utterly despised himself.

His phone bleeped. ‘Silver.’

‘All right, DCI Silver?’ A little, rasping voice.

Paige.

‘I heard you was looking for me.’

He felt a rush of relief. ‘Where are you?’

‘I thought it was a good idea to keep my head down. Those Russians. Well. You never know.’

‘Any idea where John Adamson is?’

‘So you worked it out finally. You don’t want to mess with them, know what I’m saying? That Ivan was a twisted f*cker.’

‘Will you go on record about that?’

She laughed. ‘You’re a trier, aren’t you? I admire that about you.’ There was a pause. ‘I think you’re a good man, DCI Silver. And believe me, there ain’t many about.’

‘Really?’ He cleared his throat.

‘And if you change your mind about that washing-up …’ she tailed off. ‘Well. You’ve got my number.’

Silver took a big breath of dirty air and walked back into the building. Ben was hunched over the pay-phone in the corridor, mumbling sweet nothings by the look of his flushed face.

Silver stopped at the drinks machine. A blonde woman stood beside it, searching her purse for change.

‘Don’t suppose you’ve got two fifties for a pound?’ she asked ruefully. ‘I really begrudge giving them any extra.’

She grinned. She was very attractive, Silver noticed absently. His eyes were gritty with exhaustion.

‘You’re in luck,’ he said, digging in his pocket. As he handed her the coins, he realised that his hand was shaking slightly.

And as the woman thanked him, he heard the squeak and slam of the ward door as it was flung open fast.

‘Daddy!’ His daughter was there, tripping over her own feet, all breathless. ‘Dad – Matty’s awake!’

DCI Joe Silver was more tired than he ever remembered being before; more traumatised by a single day’s events than he had been since Lana’s accident; but at that moment he could have jumped for sheer joy.

Silver called Ben and then he hurried his pace; walked back down the hall to be with his family.





CLAUDIE



I dream you, and you are here, shadow made real. Like a great white bird, I scud over the land like passing cloud and it is night; I see you in the moonlight and I swoop down to fetch you. I gather you to me and this time, I will never let you go.

Come with me.

I fly to the end of the land and then I fly on. You are gathered to me, safe. I fly on, with you, into the night sky.

We don’t look back.