For You

Chapter TWENTY-EIGHT

Bell was crying by the time we got back to the apartment in Sawyer's car.

Her cries tore at my heart until I was numb.

I wasn't thinking straight, just acting on instinct. The overwhelming urge to run.

Run.

Up in the apartment, I pulled the suitcases out from under the bed and started throwing things in. I needed time to think, and not the kind of time you have sitting in a holding cell, which was where I was so sure I was headed.

I could hear people down at the front door, loud male voices.

That was fast.

Had Uncle Bruce given them my address so easily? I didn't have time to feel betrayed. I yanked out the bottom drawer of the dresser in Bell's room and pulled off the cash I had taped to the bottom. We wouldn't get far, but I had a few options, including a women's shelter not far away. I had to pray Sawyer didn't report his car as stolen in the meantime.

My cell phone kept ringing and beeping, so I turned it off. I unplugged the intercom, and heard only the sound of Bell having her tantrum.

“Why can't we see Uncle Bruce?” she wailed. “I'm telling!”

Would the police be busting down my door any minute?

I stared at the packed bags. I'd been so stupid, settling down in one place. Now it was over.

I stood by the front door of the apartment and slid down to the floor, my back against the wall.

It was over.

The other times I ran away, I had nothing to leave behind. Now I had all these people who cared about me. Even Lana, with her ridiculous stories. What was the point in being alive if I couldn't be around all these people?

Time was ticking.

I should have grabbed the packed suitcase and dragged Bell out the door.

But I didn't.

I was twenty-one, and it was finally time to stop running and face whatever was in store for me. I wouldn't die. I'd tell the truth, and I'd beg for mercy.

I sat there, drifting in and out of what felt like sleep but offered no relief.

An hour or more passed.

Someone knocked on the door.

I was too weak to move.

“Aubrey?”

My heart leaped to my throat.

“It's Sawyer,” he said. “Your neighbor let me in downstairs. You have to open the door.”

“Are the police with you?”

“No.”

In her room, Bell had long since stopped freaking out and fallen asleep in her clothes, at the foot of her bed. I heard her stirring now, awakened by Sawyer.

I got to my feet and pulled open the door, my whole body shaking. The look on Sawyer's face was not reassuring.

“What's happening?”

He looked past me, at the suitcases, and my heart broke for how hurt he looked.

“I have to tell you something,” he said. “You should sit down.”

Bell came out, rubbing her teary red eyes.

He went to her and picked her up, making his goofy weightlifter noises that she loved so much. I stood by the door, numb, as he calmly took her into the living room and got her set up with the TV, telling her he'd join her in five minutes to watch any show she wanted.

When he came back to me, I was still in the hallway, sitting cross-legged and staring at the wall.

“I'm not running,” I said. “I can't leave you, and Uncle Bruce, and my grandparents. Even Natalie, who's the kind of woman I never imagined being friends with. Now I am, and… I can't go. But you have to help me. I need a lawyer, I think.”

“You don't.”

“I do, but I don't know how I'd pay for one anyway.”

He whispered, so Bell didn't hear, “Your mother is dead.”

“No.”

“The RCMP were there to notify her next of kin, at her brother's house. That's why they were at Bruce's.”

“They weren't coming to arrest me? Or extradite me?”

“No.” He sat down across from me and stroked my foot as he stared at me with sad eyes.

I put my face in my hands. “What is happening? Why do they think my mother is dead?”

Sawyer had a piece of paper in his hands, folded in half. He stretched his arm out, handing it to me, but I wouldn't touch it. I wasn't accepting anything.

“There was a bus crash,” he said. “In Colorado. Four people died, including the driver. Your mother was one of the passengers. They think she died instantly, upon impact.”

I pulled my foot away, sickened by someone touching me while I heard this.

“It might not be her,” I said. “They can't know for sure.”

“Yes, they can. It was her, Aubrey.”

I stared over his head, at a scratch on the white wall. How could she die when I still hated her so much?

“She had this note in her pocket,” he said. “Not this actual paper. This is a fax, of course, but I'm sure they can send you the real note if you want.”

“I don't want to read it.”

“Of course you don't. But you have to.”

From the other room, Bell laughed at something on her TV. How was I going to tell her?

He opened the note and put it on my lap, the printed side toward me.

It was in my mother's handwriting, which looked so much like mine, I thought for a minute maybe it was my own letter, one of the hundreds I'd written to her but torn up. But it wasn't.

Dear Aubrey and Annabell:

I'm so sorry that I had to go away.

I think about that day all the time. I tried to forget by drinking, but there was never enough in the bottle. I've been clean for the last six months, and I want to make amends to you both, but I don't think I'm ready.

I should pay for what I've done, but I'm not ready for that either.

Derek was not a good man, and I shouldn't have put you two in that home with him.

I came home that day and found him with my best friend, Angel. They were just having a drink together, and she said she came over looking for me, but I knew it wasn't true. I could see the lies on their faces.

After she left, me and Derek got into a few. He made me so mad. I think he wanted me to hurt him. That's no excuse, and I feel terrible for what I've done, but it happened in about a minute and then it was too late to take it back.

Bell, you were sleeping in your bed, and I kissed you goodbye before I left. Your eyelashes fluttered in your sleep, but you didn't see me go.

Aubrey, you had been at school, and I passed the bus on my way out of town. I saw you sitting near the back, your nose in a book. You didn't see me, but I waved. I'm sorry.

Aubrey, I knew that you would take care of your sister better than I ever could.

I think you both have been better off without me. That's what I have to believe so I can sleep at night.

You are in my heart and I will always love you both.

Deenah, your mother.