Kennie hesitates.
But in the end, she takes his hand.
UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE
HarperCollins Publishers ..................................................................
CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE
The Night Before Liz Emerson Crashed Her Car
Liz sat in her closet and cried. She cried and cried and hated the world and cried, and by the time she stopped, she was empty. Because there was no one to hate but herself.
Oh, she was still angry with others, for reasons that she knew were wrong. She was angry at her mother for not caring and she was angry at Julia for not being strong enough and she was angry at Kennie for being such a fucking idiot and she was angry at Liam because he had made it possible for her to destroy his life and she was angry at Jake for being an asshole and she was angry at all the people she ever hurt because they just sat there and let her, let her run them over until there was nothing else in her way.
Sitting in her closet, she thought about how this was the last time she would ever sit in her closet again. It was a strange thought. She dug her fingertips into carpet and leaned her head against the wall and thought, Never again. There was no going back. The next morning, she would go to school and face one last day, just one, and she would look around and everything would be exactly the same, and people would treat her the same as ever. They would talk and laugh and complain about homework and make fun of teachers, and only she would know that there would be no future. Tomorrow, everything, everything would end.
And god, it surprised her, how desperate she was for it.
She took out her phone and Googled “signs of suicide.”
Deep sadness.
Loss of interest/withdrawal.
Trouble sleeping or eating.
Having a “death wish,” taking unnecessary risks such as driving over the speed limit, running red lights, etc., being excessively reckless.
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs.
Mood swings.
Oh. Well.
No one noticed?
Come on. Trouble sleeping—the irony.
Seriously.
Really?
Her resolve turned from cement to steel. Because no one noticed. Anything.
The section below gave tips on overcoming depression and suicidal thoughts. Liz didn’t read them.
There was no getting better.
Not for her.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO
The Day Liz Emerson Crashed Her Car
She tried to enjoy it. She tried to tell herself that she still had this last chance, these last few hours to find a reason to live, but she was numb. She wanted it to end.
She saw Julia laughing before government, but there were shadows under her eyes and a tremor in her fingers. She saw Kennie dancing through the hall, but there was something forced about her laughter. She sat in physics as Mr. Eliezer reviewed Newton’s laws of motion for the exam, but she didn’t understand a lot of it and thought to herself, Doesn’t matter.
When I crash, I will be inertia mass acceleration force gravity opposite equal everything.
I will be nothing.
When the final bell rang, Mr. Eliezer kept her after class to ask why she hadn’t turned in her physics project yet. She didn’t say much, but still, by the time he let her go, the halls were mostly empty. She put her textbooks in her backpack and dug her keys out of her purse, and as she walked downstairs and turned for the doors, she saw something that made her stop.
It was Kennie. She had changed into her dance uniform. Her forehead was against her locker, her arms were wrapped around her stomach, and even from where Liz stood, she could see that she was crying.
Liz walked out, started her car, and drove to the gas station. She filled her tank with enough gas to get her to her destination, and then turned in the direction of the interstate.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE
Seven Minutes Liz Emerson Crashed Her Car
She finally figured out that she, Liz Emerson, was the equal and opposite reaction. She was the consequence.
She pushed down on the gas pedal.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR
The Fifth Visitor
Liam leaves Kennie by Liz’s open door, and Kennie goes in slowly. The light is dim. Liz’s hands are by her sides and she’s wearing a hideous hospital gown, and this is how Kennie has always imagined bodies inside a coffin.
Kennie sits down beside the bed and does what she does best. She talks.
“So,” she says, “I was upstairs in the maternity ward. They are so freaking adorable. The babies, I mean. You know, I’ve always wanted a sister. Like, one Christmas, when I was four, I wrote to Santa and asked him to exchange Daniel for a big sister instead. Brothers are just kind of useless, you know? You can’t borrow dresses or shoes from them or anything.”