Fairy Godmothers, Inc

ELEVEN



Prep Time


A few days later found Kate standing in the backyard of Rellie’s stepmother’s house, wiping away the pumpkin seed clinging to her left eyebrow. “And that,” she said, reminding herself she’d been the one who felt the need for an object lesson, “is why we’re supposed to use only fresh pumpkin.”

“Point taken,” Rellie sighed, then grabbed a chunk of golden blond hair and tried to finger-comb out the orange vegetable guts splattered through it. They’d spent the last few hours out there, attempting to put the girl’s carriage together while the stepfamily and Demon Beast slept off some sort of late night party inside. Thankfully, pumpkins explode rather quietly. “I suppose that now’s not the time to tell you that Maleeva used up all the newer ones lobbing them at orphans, is it? They make Lucinda bloat right up, and Belzie gets really mad because she thinks Lucinda’s secretly making fun of her.”

Kate sighed, closing her eyes briefly. “The morning before the ball? No, not really.” She’d never really been comfortable saving something this big for this close to the main event—too many things could go wrong—but it was either do it now or find a nearby giantess and rent a few days’ worth of space in her hopefully carriage-sized refrigerator. There was nothing less romantic than a gigantic wheeled pumpkin that had been sitting in the sun for a week, especially when the client had an extremely sensitive gag reflex. “Do you have fresh squash of any kind? I’d rather not have to deal with a crookneck, but maybe I could make some sort of decorative finial out of it.”

Rellie scooped a bit of pumpkin out from under the edge of her collar. “We did.” The pause that followed said “but” louder than words could. “Then someone told Lucinda that bathing in pureed squash worked as an aphrodisiac. We’re still not sure if it worked or not, but she had cows following her around for weeks after.”

The corner of Kate’s mouth twitched a little, but she forced it back into a relatively responsible expression. “Okay, that’ll be a no on the squash. Do you have any horror stories about watermelons to share?”

Rellie brightened. “Sure! I love telling people about those. There was this one time that Belzie—”

Kate held up a hand, the smile sneaking up a little further this time before she managed to flatten it. “Let’s save that for later. Right now, we need to focus on getting you a carriage for tonight’s ball.” Her eyes narrowed as she considered their rapidly shrinking range of options. “Do you have any smaller vegetables? Or fruit? Anything but cherries—you can’t get those enchanted pits out of the backseat with a crowbar.”

Rellie winced, as if she wished she could be more helpful. “Belzie doesn’t really like fruits very much, unless they’re covered in whipped cream.”

“Of course, she doesn’t,” Kate said, leaning against the wall on which Jon had taken refuge that first night. “You know, if either of us had any sense we’d just ignore this part of the contract and have me just teleport you straight into the palace. It might make the grand entrance a little harder, but—”

“I’d sort of been wondering about that,” Rellie piped in, looking surprisingly focused and thoughtful.

Kate’s brow furrowed. “About whether the grand entrance was going to be a little harder if I made us a door?”

“No, silly,” Rellie said exasperatedly, shaking her head. She sat down on the lawn, finding an area free of the pumpkin carnage. “The contract, I mean. Since I’m the one who got the Fairy Godmother, somebody had to have bought me the contract, right? I really can’t imagine Maleeva doing it, but who else is there who would worry about whether or not I’m going to get married to somebody?”

Kate hesitated, trying to work out what would be the best answer to give Rellie. She didn’t care at all about protecting Carlson, and though she was almost certain about the whole fatherhood thing, there was always a chance she could be wrong. And more importantly, could finding out someone like Carlson was your dad be considered good news? “How much do you know about your family?” she asked, thinking hard. “Not your stepmother and stepsisters, but the people you lived with before you came here.”

Rellie considered the question. “I was at an orphanage for a while, with a whole bunch of other girls who were trying to get placed with the right kind of stepfamily. Before that,” she shook her head, “I don’t really remember much.”

Decision made, Kate took a deep breath. “It’s probably better to think of this guy like the people in charge of the orphanage. Now that you’ve been with the stepfamily for a while, he thinks it’s time for you to move on to something bigger and better.”

Rellie raised an eyebrow at her. “A pumpkin carriage is something bigger and better?”

This time Kate didn’t even bother fighting the chuckle that escaped. “If we can make this work, it’s going to look better than you think. We change the color, put on fancy wheels, get a whole bunch of gold or silver accents—” She stopped, making a frustrated noise as she remembered the problem at hand. “Of course, before we can do any of that we have to find a fruit or vegetable that will work. Is there anything left in the larder that hasn’t had something disturbing happen to it?”

Forehead wrinkling in thought, Rellie began ticking the list off on her fingers. “Well, there are some tomatoes, but that just seems like a really bad idea.”

“That’s putting it mildly. Anything else?”

“Onions?”

“I hope the look on my face is enough of an answer to that one.”

“Bananas?”

Kate rolled her eyes. “I am not going to be responsible for the running gags that would follow from letting you drive to the ball inside an enormous banana.”

Rellie’s forehead wrinkled even further. “Bananas are funny?”

“Ah, well . . .” After deciding there was no safe way to answer the question Kate closed her mouth, not quite able to look Rellie in the eye for another second. “Just believe me when I say bananas aren’t a good idea.”

Rellie made a face, as if she knew she was missing something. “Do you think I could get Mr. Assistant Guy to tell me why bananas are funny?”

Kate grinned at the thought. “You could try,” she said, fondly imagining the expression on Jon’s face as Rellie broached the question. She’d apologize after, once Rupert and Rellie were staring deeply into each other’s eyes, and she and Jon had snuck off to that little restaurant he’d told her about. They’d make each other laugh, and they’d enjoy each other’s company so much the owner would have to kick them out eventually because they’d have forgotten what time it was.

Maybe they could even keep seeing each other, without having to pretend that it had anything to do with work.

“Thinking about him again, huh?”

Jerked back into the present, Kate blinked rapidly and tried to pretend she hadn’t become transparent as a pane of glass. “I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Mr. Assistant Guy.” Rellie smiled at her, fingers playing absently with one of the bows on her rags outfit. “You had the same sort of sparkly, happy look on your face whenever you dance with him during the lessons.” She sighed dreamily. “And other times, too, but I forgot exactly when.”

Kate took a deep breath, slowly letting it out again. Then, giving in to the glow inside her, she smiled. “Really?”

“Really.” Rellie looked thoughtful. “Hey, do you think I’ll start looking like that every time Rupert’s around?”

For just a second, Kate wished she were dealing with the banana comment again. “I don’t really know,” she admitted, wishing she could give the girl a better answer. If she saw any kind of a spark she’d do anything she could to encourage it, but she didn’t feel right making any kind of promises in advance. “I don’t think there’s any way you can know unless you meet him.”

Rellie thought about this for a moment, then shrugged. “What about apples? I think there are a couple of them in the very back of the pantry.”

Kate blinked, lost for a moment, but after a few seconds of mental hunting, managed to relocate the thread of the conversation. “For the carriage? No.” She shook her head. “Different package entirely, and we’d have to get your stepmother way more involved than I’d like. Besides, do you know how hard it is to get seven dwarves together on such short notice? They have a union now.”

“I suppose I could get a pomegranate from the neighbors.”

“Not unless we want a lawsuit from the National Association for Retired but Still Mighty Gods and Goddesses (NARSMGG).” Kate winced a little at the memory. “Ever since their enforced retirement, they’ve become really obsessive about the copyrights they hold to major mythic elements. Persephone is their lawyer, and since it was a pomegranate that left her stuck married to Hades, she’s especially sensitive about them.”

Rellie just sat there, then looked at Kate with a worried expression. “Is it okay if I have no idea what you’re talking about?”

A smile snuck back onto Kate’s face. She’d never admit it, but Rellie was easily becoming one of her favorite clients. “Be grateful.” After the silence stretched on long enough to make it clear that Rellie had no more suggestions, Kate sighed. “We’re just going to have to go down to the market and find an acceptable piece of fruit. Even if I have to pay for it out of my own pocket, it’s worlds better than having to use the spare carriage.”

“Wait a minute.” Rellie straightened. “If you already had a carriage ready and waiting somewhere, why did you make me do all that worrying?”

“Believe me, having the spare carriage doesn’t mean that you’re going to stop worrying.” Kate grimaced. “I’d even take a non-magical carriage over it, and those are always dangerous, because we can’t get insurance on them. Seriously, let’s just go buy the fruit.”

Rellie raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “I’ve seen Maleeva before she puts on her makeup in the morning. How bad can this extra carriage of yours really be?”

“Remember the pumpkin?”

Rellie waved a dismissive hand. “It was a little goopy, but it wasn’t really that bad.”

“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Kate lifted her wand, deciding to conjure the spare carriage just long enough to prove her point. Even a few minutes would be recorded in the database, which meant she’d get teased for it, but it would be easier than arguing Rellie out of her curiosity. “Unless you want to have a wheel land on your head, now would be a really good time to take a step back.”

As Rellie frantically scooted back, Kate moved the wand in a series of flourishes necessary to transport the spare carriage into their immediate vicinity. Then, folding her arms across her chest, she waited for the purple smoke to clear.

As always, it was the smell that hit first.

The carriage’s dark green color wasn’t so bad, so long as you ignored the warts and the fact that its shape had an unfortunate resemblance to a sausage. But the scent, bitter and vinegary and choking, erased these minor details as part of its full-frontal assault on the brain. It swept over, burning nostrils and stripping taste buds as it seeped into anything and everything unlucky enough to be around it.

All in all, it was something Fairy Godmothers, Inc. was very careful not to mention in their advertising.

“Eewww! That’s just . . . eeewww!” Rellie coughed, the death clamp on her nose making her voice honk a little. “Is this why you said you can only use fresh stuff to make the carriages? Because if it is, you were totally, totally right, and I’m really sorry I ever argued.”

“Office legend says it started out as a proper cucumber carriage. But parking at the ball was crazy, like it always is, and the Fairy Godmother who first created the thing took a chance and parked it on private property. Unfortunately, it turned out that a giant lived there, and the poor thing was part of his canning project before anyone noticed.” With her wand, Kate pointed to the bite mark on the back end of the carriage. “The giant himself picked up on the problem and returned it to us eventually, but by then it was far too late.”

Rellie glared at the thing for a moment, still holding tightly to her nose. “He should have kept it,” she said, turning to Kate. “Can you please, please, please get rid of this so I can stop plugging my nose? We don’t even have to make a carriage at all—the transport thing was fun, and it doesn’t stink so badly my eyeballs start burning.”

“Works for me.” Kate didn’t bother to hide the amusement in her voice. Her eyeballs were burning just as much as Rellie’s, but it was always entertaining to see other people’s reactions. “The only animals we’ve been able to get near the thing are enchanted goats, and they start trying to eat the wheels after about five minutes.” She quickly lifted her wand and waved the carriage away, deliberately blocking out the faint scent of pickle still lingering in the air. “And I’m fine with just transporting you over there. It’ll mean we have to start your grand entrance from the inside, but as long as we avoid people while we’re getting ready I think we’ll be all right.”

Rellie’s eyes widened. Slowly, her face grew nervous. “You mean like the sort of thing that made your dress all smoky that first night you showed up?”

“I thought we were going to avoid mentioning that again.” But Rellie looked like she was actually beginning to panic, so Kate moved closer and sat down beside the girl. “I promise you, we’re not going to set your dress on fire,” she said soothingly, deciding to take a chance and put an arm around the girl’s shoulders. “All we have to do is skip the part with the fireworks, and as long as we make sure to avoid any candles there won’t be a source of flame around to get us into trouble.”

At the mention of fireworks, Rellie looked at Kate in disbelief. “You guys set off fireworks inside a building? No wonder you accidentally get lit on fire sometimes.”

Kate couldn’t help the chuckle. “The fireworks actually aren’t so bad—they’re just illusions, so there’s no chance of fire. It’s the swans you have to worry about. They can get vicious.”

Rellie looked at her for a second, confusion clear on her face, then shook her head. “I don’t want to know.”

“Smart girl.” Kate went over the different aspects of the grand entrance package, picking through the ones she was certain wouldn’t horribly backfire on her. “There will definitely be spotlights and confetti hearts, though. And, if you want, we can even go a little extra on the rose petals.”

Rellie perked up in interest. “Are they pink?” Kate smiled. “How could they be of any other color?”

Suitably distracted, Rellie took a moment to consider the mental picture of rose petals and little confetti hearts. “Pink is good,” she said cheerfully, then her eyebrows lifted as an idea hit. “Is there any chance I could get some—”

“No.” Kate shook her head, not needing to hear the rest of the request to know what it was. “Unless you want to be the one following them around with the bag and the scooper, no rabbits are going to be involved in the creation of your grand entrance.”

Rellie wrinkled her nose again. “Good point. Let’s just go with the roses and the confetti hearts. Do I get a grand exit, too?”

Kate shook her head. “Sadly, tradition insists that the girl make a quick exit out one of the backdoors before midnight. I’m sorry that I won’t be there to help, but Jon said he was going to ask Lawton to guide you out. We were just going to have you leave in the carriage we made, but since you want me to just transport you I’ll ask him if they have a spare carriage you can use.”

Rellie held a hand up to interrupt. “Wait. Why do I have to sneak out at midnight? Not that I won’t want to if the ball’s boring, but what if I’m actually having fun?”

Kate shrugged apologetically. “Budget-cutting measures. All of the spells shut off at midnight except for the shoes, and they only stay because of a deal the company made with a wholesaler.”

Rellie’s eyes were big and pleading. “Is there any chance you could—” When Kate shook her head, Rellie allowed herself one dramatic sigh before bouncing back to her feet. “If it’s going to go away at midnight, can I have my dress earlier than planned? I probably shouldn’t wear it while I’m scrubbing the floor, but if I shake it off after, I can swish around in it while I do the dusting.” She twirled a little. “If I mix enough gin into the pancake batter, Maleeva won’t even notice.”

Kate just stared at the girl for a moment, making a mental note to pass that bit of advice onto the next client before shaking her head and returning to the task at hand. “Though that may be arranged, one stain or spill and I’d be stuck spending the afternoon in the uniform maintenance department getting your dress dry-cleaned. We’re going to wait for the dress and shoes until just before we do the teleporting.”

“Am I still going to be stuck with those glass shoes you were talking about? Because I was thinking about what you said about Rupert stepping on my toes, and I don’t think it would help the magic if I screamed because there was a broken piece of glass stuck in my foot. And I really don’t want to get blood on this dress.”

Kate smiled, secretly proud of herself for already having a plan for this part. “Actually, we’re not going to have to worry about that,” she said confidently, pulling out the set of old, nearly worn-out slip-ons she’d brought from home (Rellie never seemed to be wearing shoes, and Kate didn’t want to get within fifty feet of any of the stepfamily’s closets). “I have the perfect solution right here.”

Rellie looked skeptically at the shoes. “I don’t think they match my dress.”

Reminding herself not to be annoyed, Kate pushed herself to her feet. “Just be grateful you didn’t have to find them yourself.” Mentally reviewing the order she’d cobbled together from two separate sets of shoe spells, Kate circled the wand counterclockwise three times around her open palm before spiraling it upward like an ice cream cone. Then, because just using flourishes would make the spell take about twenty minutes, she sprinkled in a couple of preprogrammed keywords random enough that normal conversation wouldn’t accidentally trigger them.

Rellie’s brow wrinkled. “Badgley Mischka?”

A swirl of fairy dust, and there they were. Kate held the newly transformed shoes out to Rellie with pride. “Voila. Your shoes.”

Fascinated, Rellie gently poked the completely clear shoes, now far more ornate and festooned with tiny, equally clear bows. “Are those . . .” The clear shoes bent under Rellie’s finger, making her yank her hand back in surprise. “Okay, those aren’t glass.”

“Think of it as a glass substitute.” Kate held out the shoes, gesturing for Rellie to try them on. “Believe me, they’ll be much more comfortable to dance in, and if you decide you want to leave one behind at the end of the evening you can just kick it off.”

“Why would I want to leave one behind?” Rellie, who had dropped to the ground to put on the shoes, froze and looked up in confusion. “They’re pretty, and I don’t think Rupert’s going to be very happy with me if I start throwing my shoes at him.”

Kate fought back a smile, both amused at the image and pleased that the girl clearly liked the shoes. “Actually, the girls normally leave it just outside the front doors so the prince can find them after they mysteriously run off.” She paused, thinking about some of the things Jon had said about Rupert. “With your prince, though, we should probably leave an actual note with your address on it.”

Rellie finished putting on the sandals, then stretched her feet out in front of her and wiggled her toes in satisfaction. “That makes way more sense than the shoe.”