Etiquette for the End of the World

chapter 10

Twelve Rules to Live and Die By



Rule #1: Don’t panic—it will only attract the sharks.

There are a lot of scary things out there now, things that will trigger your fight-or-flight instinct. Try to stave off the panic; instead, pause and think. Panic is a frenzied, illogical state that is for the most part nonconstructive. At best it saves you only temporarily; at worst it signals to nearby predators that you are vulnerable, like pouring blood into shark-infested waters. And, yes, it’s always possible that the situation may require you to fight or flee—for instance, if someone is about to throw something at you or has just invited himself to stay in your house indefinitely, with his entire extended family. But if you can, take three deep breaths, and then take three more. Act bravely in the face of fear.



Rule #2: Share the Soup.

Even when you are hungry, and even when it is your very favorite kind of soup. Now, I am not saying you should give someone else your only bowl of soup; you are not Gandhi. But you should always share your soup, as well as the other life-sustaining things you may be lucky enough to have. Kindness is one of the things that make us human—along with our sense of humor, our opposable thumbs, and the desire to beat each other at board games. Maintaining our humanity is essential to our survival.



Rule #3: Shake hands before shooting.

When encountering a new person, you may feel nervous and insecure. Will this person like you? Will you like this person? Will this person steal your socks and shoes? But however wary you are, always greet strangers with a smile and a handshake, and usually you will find there is nothing to be afraid of at all. Remember: Don’t shoot after you see the whites of their teeth!



Rule #4: Cluster, don’t cloister.

It may seem to you that the best thing to do is to hole up somewhere with your salvaged copies of National Geographic magazine and avoid talking to anyone. But this is emphatically not the best thing to do. No man is an island. There is safety in numbers. We all need community. The group is good. Say it out loud: The group is good. Now say it out loud with the people who I hope are sitting beside you in your homemade hut—the one you all constructed together.



Rule #5: Bend like bamboo.

If someone suddenly marches up to you and yells, “What are you doing there? That’s my fire pit you’re using!” your first impulse may be to yell back, “Well, you weren’t here, bozo! It’s my fire pit now!!” This is how a fight starts. It’s only a conflict if you push back with equal force. And that’s not always a winning strategy. Many of the ancient martial arts are based on the principle of strength through yielding. The bamboo tree is strong because it is flexible—it bends down with a strong wind, remaining deeply planted in the ground; and then when the wind passes, it comes back to its upright position. Therefore a better response to the above confrontation might be: “Oh, my, I had no idea the previous owner of this fire pit would be anywhere nearby. Would you care to sit down for a bit?”



Rule #6: Life is what happens to you when you are talking (and talking, and talking) about something else.

You leave your house telling everyone you are going to visit Tribe A, in the hopes they will give you dinner. On your way, Tribe B invites you to share their dinner. You say you cannot because you are hoping to have dinner with Tribe A. A little way farther, you run into Tribe C, who invite you to share their dinner. You say you cannot because you are hoping to have dinner with Tribe A. When at last you arrive at the home of Tribe A, they have been attacked and everyone is dead. And now you haven’t had dinner. Keep your eyes open during your journey or you could miss your life!



Rule #7: Don’t Feed the Tiger.

There are many seductive negative forces at play. You will meet people who want to blame others for their problems, complain, point fingers, win by putting someone else down, wallow in negativity. They will want you to get angry, to help them get even, help them spread rumors. This is the tiger asking to be fed. The tiger is always hungry. She is weak, and she needs food to get stronger. What is the food the tiger seeks? Fear, evil gossip, worry, paranoia, avarice—all of these things are her food. It’s tempting to feed the tiger, the tiger purrs when you feed her. But what happens when the tiger gets stronger? She will kill you and eat you. You will get sucked into her malcontent. The moral: Feed the negative and it will eventually devour you.



Rule #8: Consider the heart, not the hut.

These days life is no piece of cake. (Actually there is pretty much no cake anywhere.) You will not get through it alone, but you must be sure to choose your companions for their characters, not their material assets. In other words, the person with the huge fort and a huge stash of food and tools may or may not be the person you want to hook up with, long term. The type of person you are eating with is more important than the type of food you are eating—or what you are eating it on. Mettle is more important than the metal.



Rule #9: Beware the bedazzler.

There’s one in every tribe. He is always very attractive, magnetic, charming. He is bigger than life—he makes you feel chosen, special. He makes you believe that if you are in his realm you will share the power he will wield, that you will be part of something important. But if you look closely you will see he does not have friends; he has followers. Here’s the rule: The bigger the personality, the smaller the soul. Be entertained by the bedazzler, but do not make him your best friend.



Rule #10: Listen as though your life depended on it, because it does.

Ninety percent of the western world were such narcissists that it was decided that narcissism could no longer even be called a disorder. Listening had become a lost art form. Now, listening is a necessity. A true exchange of information is essential to daily life. How else can we know where the water stations are, which are the safest paths to take, what is the best way to sauté June bugs? The goal is to listen more than you talk. Listening brings you information, gratitude, and affection from your fellow human beings. Listening not only makes you popular, it makes you wise.



Rule #11: Meet, Play, Love.

Say yes to new people, yes to the party you are invited to, yes to romance. Always try to see the fun in things—even if it is only how funny your husband looks wearing his maple-leaf-and-seaweed underwear. Laugh at least once a day. Remember that love is a verb.



Rule #12: Live each day as a joyous adventure.

No matter what life throws at you, embrace challenges, and run—do not walk!—to your destination. If you can master this last rule, all the others will be easily adopted as well. This one is the hardest one to follow in the face of deprivation, attack, and the increasing nuttiness around us. But if you consciously choose to become the hero or heroine of your own life, and to live each day as a joyous adventure, then no matter what happens to you, you will have done it right. You will affect others around you in a positive way. You cannot lose, you cannot fail. Endings will always be beginnings.





Acknowledgments


So many people helped me during the process of writing this novel; it’s a practical impossibility to name them all. Please know that just because you are not listed here does not mean I am not beholden to you.

I do feel I need to at least acknowledge my friend Jason Harootunian, for his kind and never-flagging support and encouragement. I also want to express my appreciation to Herman Raucher, for inspiration; to Kari Olson, for being one of my first and most enthusiastic readers, and to Trent Duffy, for his excellent editorial help.

Most of all, I am blessed with the world’s most fabulous agent, Liza Dawson; for her continual guidance, faith and insight, I am always most wholeheartedly grateful.





About the Author

Jeanne Martinet is the author of seven books, including the widely acclaimed The Art of Mingling, which has sold more than 150,000 copies in the U.S. alone. She has been featured in such publications as: The New York Times, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Salon.com, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, TimeOut New York, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, The Washington Post, The San Francisco Chronicle and The Huffington Post. Jeanne has shared her humor and mingling know-how and on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including NBC’s “The Today Show,” NPR’s “Morning Edition” and WNYC’s “The Leonard Lopate Show.” Her column, Citiquette, appears bimonthly in several New York City newspapers. This is her first novel.