Dead River

Chapter Sixteen



When Angela and Justin return, they look tired, not exhilarated, like I expect them to. They live for hiking and outdoors stuff, and yet Angela just collapses on the sofa without so much as a nod in my direction. Justin drops their backpacks on the foyer floor and studies me, an unfocused, confused look on his face. Finally, it’s like something switches on in his brain, because he says, “You feeling better?”

I’m standing in the kitchen, which is probably not something I should be doing if I just sprained my ankle. I start to limp over to him. “Well, uh—”

“You have your hiking boots on. Did you go outside?” He sounds suspicious, which catches me off guard. Justin is not the suspicious type.

“Yeah, I—I wanted to get some fresh air, so I just went out for a little bit,” I lie. “How was your hike?”

He kisses the top of my head. “Cool. Would have been more fun with you there, though.”

I smile at him. Of course he’s just saying that.

“I’m going to catch a shower at the Outfitters. Then we can go see that movie, okay?”

“Sounds good,” I say. A movie is the last thing on my mind, though. I can’t stop thinking of what Trey said. Someone is conspiring to overthrow the Mistress. My mother, the Mistress. This woman, the most important person of my childhood, who I adored beyond words, is only yards away. As incredible as that sounds, after all I’ve witnessed, I believe it. Inexplicably, I can almost feel her presence. It is what drew me to this place. Suddenly I realize why I haven’t been able to leave. Here, I’m enveloped by that clammy yet comforting feeling I used to get whenever she touched me. I belong here. I know now that my mother felt the same.

My mother. Even just thinking about her now, when I haven’t in so long, ties my stomach in knots. Trey said I’m all she ever talks about. And here, all this time, I’ve never talked about her. I pushed her out of my mind and off my tongue for so long, I can barely think the word without clenching my jaw. Mother.

I go upstairs into the bedroom where I left my bag and begin to change. Though there is no trace of grit on my skin or dampness anywhere from my plunge in the Dead, my clothes just feel wrong. They scratch at my skin almost as if they were full of river. The sun is beginning to set, casting orange streaks on the river across the way. I watch it as I kick off my mud-crusted boots and peel my shirt and jeans off.

I stand there in my bra and panties, rifling through my bag, looking for my lip gloss. I never go anywhere without slathering my lips in the stuff. When I find it, I step to the mirror and smudge the bubble-gum-pink color into my lips. Then I find my brush and run it through my hair, letting the hair fall loose down my back. I stand back to look at myself. Two days away from civilization, and I still look presentable. Awesome. I’m about to reach down and find my shirt when I see it.

A face among the dark trees outside.

I gasp and turn, reaching for clothes, and that’s when I make out the figure that is standing there, watching me. Jack. He knows I see him, and yet he doesn’t shy away. He doesn’t move, almost as if he is a part of the landscape. He keeps staring at me, this look—of approval? No, of wanting—on his face. His eyes are full of fire, so full I’m suddenly aware of this burning sensation that starts in my chest and radiates down between my legs.

What is wrong with me? From what Trey said, I should know Jack is bad. Trey said he’s the enemy. Still, I can’t help thinking that there’s something about him I want so deeply. I drop the shirt to the floor, only because I know it would please him. I want to please him. I want it with everything I am. My fingers are not my own; they feel like they are attached to puppet strings as they reach behind my back and undo the clasp of my bra.

There’s a faint noise in the hallway. I whirl around to see that the door is open an inch. It shudders a little, and that’s when I see an eye in the opening. Refastening my bra, I recognize it just as the door opens fully and Hugo steps into the room, hitting me with a wave of foul-smelling air, a mixture of old alcohol, vomit, and morning breath. He hasn’t even cleaned himself up; he has the worst five o’clock shadow and his hair is sticking up straight at the very top, kind of like a Mohawk. Gagging, I grab my shirt and hold it over my chest as he drawls, “Hey, you.”

“What are you doing in here?” I shout. “Get out of here!”

He’s running his tongue around his mouth like it’s his toothbrush. He eyes me like he’s got something on me. “Why were you … Who was out there?”

I turn back to the window. Jack is gone. In that instant, everything I was doing just seems so stupid. What was I doing? I’m starting to blush, something I don’t want Hugo to see, or else he’ll know. He’ll know he’s gotten to me. So I grab my hairbrush and hurl it at him. “Get out!” I scream.

He ducks away and it smacks against the wall near the door, leaving a crescent-shaped dent in the plaster. “Ice Girl my ass. More like Psycho Girl,” he calls behind me.

Psycho Girl, I think, as I put on my new T-shirt and jeans, carefully looking out into the darkening forest every so often. But Jack never returns. Maybe he was never there in the first place. I’d hate for Hugo to be right, but this time, he probably is.

I’m lacing up my hiking boots when Angela comes into the room. Her hair is damp, so she must have showered. “Hi, Lucky Charms,” she says. “How’s your ankle?”

“Hi, um …” I think Angela spends most of her free time trying to think of new cereals to call me, but this time, I’m blank. “Trix?” There’s a cereal called that, right? “Much better.”

She collapses on the bed next to me. “What’re you up to?”

I blush deeper, thinking of what I was up to. I don’t want to talk about it. So I say, “I’d rather find out what you were up to.”

She sits up and her eyes widen. “What do you mean?”

“Last night. I saw you and Hugo getting cozy.”

“Oh,” she says. “Nothing. He’s kind of annoying. And creepy.”

I cringe, thinking of him watching me through the open door. But Angela … Angela doesn’t think badly of anyone. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, he went through everyone’s stuff to get the vodka. Who in their right mind would do something like that?”

“I know. He read my journal,” I say, shuddering.

“Ew, he did? And he always seems to say the wrong thing. I just—he’s not my type, you know?”

Finally, she comes to her senses! “So, what is your type?” I ask, but the thing is, I know. She tells me this all the time. Someone more like her. Someone more like … my boyfriend.

This time, though, she doesn’t say it. She leans back and stares at the ceiling. She’s unusually thoughtful. Maybe being in the wilderness unleashes her quiet, pensive side. Maybe she is at one with nature. Then she opens her mouth and the last thing I’d expected comes out. “Prom’s tonight.”

“It is?” For the past couple of days, I haven’t thought of myself in ice-blue satin at all, but it’s always been in the back of my mind, despite all that has been going on.

She sits up and pinches my cheek like I’m three. “I know you wanted to go.”

“I never said I wanted to,” I say.

“You don’t have to,” she singsongs. “You’ve been one of my best friends for ten years. I know.”

I shrug. “But this is …” I’m searching for a word, but every one I can think of to describe the time up here is negative. The longer I pause, the less real I sound. Finally, I choke out, “Fun, too.”

She titters a little, back to the Angela I know and love. Still, there’s something wrong with her behavior, but I can’t tell what it is. She’s so jumpy, like a spring, yet guarded. She’s hiding something. She’s terrible at keeping secrets, almost as bad as Justin. “Sure it is. Anyway, The River Wild is all they ever play up here. I’ve seen it a hundred times. You’d think they could play something different for once.”

I shrug. “I’ve never seen it.”

“Well, it’s okay. But I just wanted to tell you, I think I’m staying in.”

Okay, there’s definitely something going on. Angela loves darkened movie theaters and big containers of popcorn. I raise my eyebrows. “You’re staying in? With Hugo?”

“Ew. He refuses to shower even though he smells,” she groans. “There’s a zombie movie marathon on tonight and a can of SpaghettiOs with my name on it in the pantry. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” I venture, studying her closely as if her expression will reveal something. But it doesn’t. She just smiles and tries to grab my cheek again, but I swat her hand away before she can.

“Have fun,” she says, leaving me alone.

I walk downstairs, hoping to avoid Hugo. Justin is standing in the living room, digging into the pockets of his oversized sweatshirt. There’s something in there, because I can see his fingers playing with it, but I can’t tell what. He has his Red Sox cap turned backward, which makes him look like an innocent little boy, but something about his expression is wrong. Justin can never hide anything; his face always gives him away. “What?” I ask when I’m standing in front of him.

He brings one corner of his mouth up in a smile. “Nothing. Let’s go.”

He grabs my hand and we walk out into the night. By now it’s dark, with charcoal-colored clouds obscuring the moon. An owl hoots in the distance and the river hums along, but it’s almost as if we’ve walked into a closet. I can’t see a thing. I cling to Justin, shivering. I know the dead probably won’t come to me with him around, but at the same time, I don’t want to test it. Justin leads the way, and in another couple of minutes I can see the orange light spilling from the Outfitters. There are no people outside, though, and the barbecue pit is empty. It looks kind of deserted. “Do a lot of people watch the movie?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Some.”

His voice is so cool, so aloof, that it startles me. I stop in my tracks before we cross the highway. “What is going on with you?”

He won’t look me in the eye. He just hitches his shoulders again. “Nothing. Come on. Let’s go.”

He doesn’t wait for me; he starts jogging so that I’m trailing two steps behind him. We cross the highway and find the path toward the Outfitters. When we’re near the door, I inspect the wipe-off board that talks about the daily activities. It says:

TODAY the RIVER is at 7,500 CFS





Dinner at 6 p.m. will be franks and burgers





Be SAFE out THERE!





Thank You for Choosing Northeast Outfitters





But nowhere at all does it say that tonight is Movie Night on the terrace. I’m about to ask Justin how he knows that there’ll be a movie when I’ve never seen it posted anywhere, when he turns to me and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out this kind of crushed, but still very pretty, red rose, surrounded by a little baby’s breath. The petals are black and wilting around the edges, and some of them fall off in his hands. “Crap,” he mutters.

I stare at it, openmouthed. “What is that?”

He lets the loose petals fall to the ground and holds it up for me. “It used to be a flower. I think.”

I just stare at it. “It’s a corsage? For, like, prom? Where did you—”

He nods. “I bought it Wednesday.”

“I don’t get it,” I say as I take it from him and affix it to my shirt. I look kind of silly wearing a corsage on this ensemble, especially since we’re just going to watch a movie. He opens the door to the Outfitters, and when I walk in, Spiffy is giving Justin the eye. They communicate soundlessly, and I do a tennis match head-swivel to see what each of them is trying to say, but it’s just raised eyebrows, winks, and nods.

“This way,” Justin says, pulling me into a room. A sign on the door says it’s the KENNEBEC ROOM, which I think must be on the way to the terrace. It’s dark inside, like a movie theater.

But suddenly a speaker begins to crackle, and music begins to pour out of it. It’s some cheesy slow song I’ve never heard before. Disco lights begin to flash white circles around the room. I strain in the dizzying moving pattern of darkness and light but don’t see a movie screen or chairs. It’s just a big, empty room with lacquered wood floors, like a gymnasium. In the corner is a banner, painted with big black lettering: WAYVIEW HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR PROM. I turn to Justin. He’s looking at it, scratching his head, which is what he always does when he’s embarrassed. “Justin, what is going on?” I ask.

His shoulders sag. “This was way better in my mind.”

“No, it’s … nice!” I say brightly, relieved.

So this is why he was acting so strange. He never could keep secrets from me. Justin is just too simple, too honest for something like that. I’m relieved it wasn’t anything bad, like … well, I don’t know what.

“You said you didn’t care about prom, but I know you did,” he says softly. “You’re a good person for going along with us. And I know it’s missing all the best things about being at prom, like getting all dressed up and seeing all your friends, but—”

I smile and pull him to the center of the room. I draw him to me, lean my head against his chest so I can hear the thumping of his heart, and we begin to sway. “You’re wrong,” I whisper into his neck. “The best thing about prom would be going with you, the best boyfriend in the world.”

I close my eyes to lose myself in the music, but he’s stopped moving. He’s standing there, stiff. I pull away and look into his eyes. The lights flash in rhythm on the deep ridges of his frown. And I know there is something else.

He will not look me in the eye; instead, his focus is somewhere over my head. He opens his mouth to speak. At first nothing comes out. Then finally the words come. “I kissed her. I kissed Angela.”

My breath hitches. “What?”

He doesn’t repeat it. He doesn’t have to, and I don’t want him to. I heard him perfectly the first time, and I don’t want those words scraping my eardrums again. But I just don’t want to believe it. He swallows. “It was a mistake. It meant nothing.”

I shake my head. “Kisses always mean something,” I say softly.

“Well, this one didn’t mean anything. Really,” he says. “We came back from the hike and we were setting up the streamers here, and …”

He keeps speaking but I’m not really listening because I’m looking at the streamers. I didn’t notice them before, but the entire room is decked out in our school colors, with bright red and yellow streamers everywhere. Angela helped him with this. It must have taken hours. I realize that he kissed her here. Right where we’re standing. Something thick is building in the back of my throat, making it hard to swallow, hard even to breathe. My boyfriend. And my best friend.

“And we were just joking around, dancing, and I lost my mind for a second because the next thing I knew I was kissing her. It’s not Ange’s fault. It’s mine. It was just …”

He says “stupid” at the same time I say “what you’ve always wanted.”

I don’t know why I say it, maybe because, deep down, I’ve always thought that. He’s shaking his head, only shaking his head, back and forth, like some stupid dog trying to dry its fur. Maybe if he’d say the word, actually say “No, never, I never wanted that, God, Ki, it’s you I’ve always loved,” maybe if he fell to my feet and covered the room with apologies, I could believe him. But he’s just standing there, shaking his head, mute. I fight back the tears with everything I can but they’re spilling over my cheeks as he grabs me by my elbows, pulling me toward him. I rip myself away from him and shove against his chest as hard as I can. Usually it’s like trying to move a mountain, but this time, he steps backward, stricken.

I tear the corsage off my T-shirt, not paying attention to the hole that it leaves in the fabric, revealing my lacy black bra. He’s still standing there, frozen. He opens his mouth to speak, but again no words come out. Why does he have no words for me? He’s supposed to know me better than anyone! We’re supposed to be able to talk about things! I hurl the corsage at him and fly out the door, into the cold air, down to the river.

“Trey!” I scream into the blue night. “Trey! I’m ready! Take me across.”

The wind picks up and the tips of the tall pines are swaying, almost bowing to me. Bowing to the newest Mistress of the Waters. Because that is what I was destined to be. And right now, that is what I want to become. I race through blackness, unsure if I’m headed toward the river, but the rocky embankment is growing steeper and steeper as my legs fly beneath me. Too fast. Soon I am sliding, and as I reach out to steady myself the toe of my boot slams against something hard, sending me stumbling forward. All at once I am flying through the air. The last thing I remember is the crushing pain in my chest, and maybe, probably, it’s the breaking of my heart.