Dead River

Chapter Thirteen



Across the river, something gleams yellow, like gold.

It makes me think of my mother, of my bedroom, of the setting sun sparkling gold on the river outside. She grew up on the river. She’d moved away for a time, before college, but she’d found her way back. “I love the river,” she told me. “I love it to my bones. I never want to be anywhere but here.”

My father didn’t like the river. We moved there when I was five, and in the two years we lived there, the basement of our old house flooded about a hundred times. It was so permanently moldy and dank that we never went down there. The foundation of our house was crumbling because of the water damage. He kept telling her we should “sell the damn thing before it collapses on us.” My mother and father rarely argued, since my mom, being prone to headaches, tried hard to keep the peace. But when they did fight, it was about the house. “A river symbolizes purity,” she’d tell me. “To a river, every day is a new day, a chance to start over. Isn’t that a comforting thought?”

“Mom,” I’d ask. “Why do you want to start over?”

She’d laugh. “I don’t want to. But sometimes things end. And it’s comforting to be able to begin again.”

At the time, that made no sense to me. Sometimes things end. Afterward, I always thought about it bitterly. I mean, did she think that she could somehow just undo drowning herself in the river? But now Jack, a ghost or a vision or whatever he is, is telling me she’s here. That she is waiting for me. And though I know it’s simply crazy, it’s all I can think about.

Sometime later, and I really don’t know how much later, I hear Justin shuffling down the path. I’m sitting at a picnic bench, nursing a nearly empty container of coffee and staring across the river.

My mother can’t be there. And I can’t see her again. She’s dead, and people aren’t supposed to see the dead.

But I saw Jack. It wasn’t like he was a vapor, a ghost. He was beside me. Traveling on another plane, and yet real. I could feel his breath, his cold, cold skin.

Is my mother that real? Could I possibly—

“Hey, you.” Justin’s voice startles me. “I see you were up bright and early.”

I stare at him for a good long time, still lost in thought. The smile on his face is just beginning to break down into concern when I blink twice and come alive. “Oh. Um, yeah.”

“Angela made pancakes, if you want some.” He points to the cup on the picnic table. “Does that taste like yesterday’s sewage? I made a pot back at the ranch that’s pretty good.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks.” I spill what’s left of my coffee on the ground, throw the cup in a nearby trash can, then follow him toward the cabin.

“What do you say to a hike today?” he asks. “You feeling up to it?”

I stretch my back. For the first time I realize it’s not just my ankle that aches. I’m sore from head to toe. I feel every bit as if I’ve been tossed down a raging river with a bunch of logs and debris using me as a Ping-Pong ball. I totally don’t want to be a wet blanket, though. I’m the one who insisted we stay, because I wanted to spend time with Justin. And here, all I’ve been doing is spending time alone, with my imaginary “friends.” “Yeah. Of course.”

I’m dragging behind him, so he turns and watches me walk a few steps. “Why are you limping?”

“I’m just a little sore,” I say. “No big deal.”

He points down at my foot. “You weren’t limping yesterday. The paramedics—”

At first I’m not really sure how it happened. Then I remember trying to escape Jack, and him nearly putting his hand on my ankle. I shiver. “Um, I twisted my ankle a little this morning,” I say. “But I’ll just put an ice pack on it for a few minutes. It’ll be okay.”

“Well, Pleasant Pond Mountain isn’t too tough of a hike. It’s only eight miles.” He reaches down and touches it. “That hurt?”

“Ouch!”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he says. “You are staying home. I’ll stay with you.”

“Give me a break. Go hiking.”

“I can’t leave you here alone. What if you need something?”

“I’m not a quadriplegic.” I give him a teasing look. “Look me in the eye and tell me you’d rather spend today nursing your clumsy oaf of a girlfriend.”

He laughs. “Well, okay. But the good news is, you have a big-screen TV to keep you company, and I hear that tonight the Outfitters will be playing The River Wild out on the terrace. That’s fun, right?”

“Totally,” I say, forcing myself to smile.

Angela is standing in the cabin’s foyer, in jeans and hiking boots, stuffing granola bars into her backpack. “I was just coming— Oh!” she gasps when she sees me. “Honey Bunches, you okay?”

I collapse into the nearest chair. “It’s just a little sprain. It should be fine tomorrow.”

“But, honey, we should go home, then, right?” She looks at Justin, then back at me. “I mean, this can’t be any fun for you, can it?”

“No,” I say. “All you’ve done for months is talk about this trip. And I am having a good time. Really. When you guys get back, we’ll all watch the movie together. It’ll be fun.” They’re both staring at me like I have bugs crawling out of my nose, so I say, “Where’s Hugo?”

Angela motions to the bathroom. “Remember that liter of Absolut Justin brought?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, now it’s a quarter of a liter. He’s been puking all morning. And there’s no water in that bathroom. He’ll be cleaning it up, not me.” She groans, then raises her voice: “Did you hear me, Hugo? You. Are. Cleaning. It. Up!”

“Oh.” For the first time, I hear noises coming from the downstairs bathroom. I’m kind of glad he took the Absolut off our hands, because I’m not in the mood to celebrate, and anyway, I do not need the help of anything that might further loosen my grasp on reality. “So I guess it’s just you two?”

Justin nods. “You sure you’re going to be—”

“Just go,” I command, waving them away. “Have fun.”

He gives me a peck on the top of the head, and they gather up their backpacks and head out. I smile after them until the guilt dims the brightness in my face. I sit there for a moment, massaging my ankle. It honestly doesn’t feel as bad as I might have made it out to be. And that’s a good thing. Because I have a feeling that for what I’m planning, I’m going to need it.