Date Me (The Keatyn Chronicles)

We slept in late, got up, ordered a huge breakfast, and ate it overlooking the bay.

I stay out on the deck because it’s so incredibly peaceful.

Dallas and Riley yell at me to come inside. They’re both sitting on the sofa drinking beers and laughing. Dallas has in iPad in his hand.

“What are you two laughing about?”

“We’re watching our video. You know it has like 500 views already.

“It was really fun to make,” Dallas says. “That plane was freaking sweet.”

“You did a good job editing it. Really, Riley, you’re very talented.”

“Thanks, baby. So what are you gonna do about my brother?”

“What is there to do? He wanted her, not me. We’re done.”

“He’s been posting stuff about you on his Facebook wall. I don’t think he wants her. He wants you.”

“I have to tutor Aiden when we get back. Then I guess I’ll see what happens.”

“Do you want me to ask him? I mean, I think you’d want to know before you get there.”

“I kind of wish we could just stay here. You’re right, though. I do want to know what happened.”



As we’re being driven to the airport I text Jake.



Me: I’m heading back to school soon. Wondered what happened this weekend with Whitney and Dawson. Do you know?



Jake: They hung out on Saturday. I don’t know if they did anything. Bryce said they seemed awkward. I avoided them. Hung out with some other people.



Me: So aren’t they back together?



Jake: Don’t think so. He told Ace he screwed up, and he was stupid for thinking he wanted her back. I think it was just sort of an ego trip. He had wanted her back for so long.



Me: Are you doing okay?



Jake: I’m doing very well actually.



Me: Okay, I’ll see you later tonight. I think we should party.



Jake: Sounds good.



Riley says, “I’m gonna text Dawson. See what he’s thinking.”

I lean over and watch him type.



Riley: Headed back home. How did things turn out this weekend? You and W back together?



Dawson: This weekend sucked. And no, we’re not.



Riley: My weekend was AWESOME!!! The best weekend of my life.



“You’re such a liar,” I say to him. “This weekend was nothing but a clusterf*ck.”

“Maybe, but he doesn’t need to know that.”



Dawson: Has Keatie read my Facebook statuses?



Riley: Nope.



Dawson: Things weren’t the same with Whitney. Keatie has changed me and I didn’t even realize it. I was so stupid. Has she said ANYTHING about me?



Riley: No. She forbid us to say your name.



Dawson: :( What should I do?



Riley: Try to talk to her I guess. You hurt her.



Dawson: I know. I’m going to try to fix it.



“So what are you going to do? Will you take him back?”

“I don’t think so. At least not for a while.”

“Wanna make him suffer, huh?”

“No. That’s not it at all. It’s just that after what he did, I don’t have much faith in him, or us, anymore.”



I get a text from Aiden.



Aiden: Are you going to be back in time for tutoring?



Me: Yeah. I can meet you in the library at 7. Will that work for you?



Aiden: I’ll make it work.



I think about Aiden. About the mystery dream girl. About what Riley said about Aiden.

“Riley, why did you tell me Aiden’s a player?”

“I heard that he dated and hooked up with a lot of different girls last year. This year, it’s weird. He didn’t even have a date for Homecoming.”

Dallas says, “I’m pretty sure you’re the only girl he’s kissed this year.”

“How many have you kissed?”

“A dozen, maybe. Are you thinking about Aiden?”

“Oh, no, of course not. I was just thinking that’s sort of weird. For a guy that’s a player.”

“I could see you together,” Riley says.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. You just seem to sparkle around him. And he seems to affect you in a way no one else does. You’re practically obsessed with him, but yet you say you hate him.”

“I do hate him sometimes. I think we might end up being friends though. Sometimes he can be really sweet.”



I guess I can relate.

7pm



I find Aiden in the library, sitting at our table, and grinning at me.

“So . . . saw the video. Dawson had to be going crazy.”

“I doubt it. He’s into Whitney now.”

“You looked very sexy in the video. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that side of you. Well, maybe a little at the after-party. Everyone has been talking about it all weekend. You have a lot of views on You Tube.”

“I don’t care about the views. I just wanted Dawson to see it.”

“He looked miserable this weekend. Even when I saw him with Whitney, he looked miserable. I can't believe I'm saying this, but he probably just liked the idea that she wanted him again.”

“Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it.” But then I look at him. “What? Now you're pro-Dawson?”

“No. I just think it would suck to lose you. I guess I can relate.”

“You've lost someone you cared about because you were stupid?”

“Yeah, you, I think. That night, with the Keats toast.”

“I was fine with the Keats toast. It just caught me off guard, but then when I told you why it did, you completely changed. Got mad at me or something. Didn’t talk to me. Made me feel like I’d done something wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I was mad at myself. Kinda like Dawson feels, I think.”

“Yeah, I don’t think Dawson liked the video too much.”

“I heard he smashed his computer. Remind me never to break up with you.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. We’re never going out.”

“Why's that?”

“I’m love cursed and I’m never going out with a boy again.”



Hell, I predicted it.

8:30pm



Sitting on the brick wall outside my dorm, dealing with Dawson.

“Keatie,” he pleads. “Please tell me we’re not over. Give me another chance.”

“Absolutely not.”

He looks at me with puppy dog eyes, but then he gets that determined set to his jaw, and pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

I try to stay stiff against the hug. I’m mad at him, but I also sort of understand. That doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt, or that I can forget, but I sort of understand.

Hell, I called it.

I knew it was going to happen. Screw the psychic panty hotline. Maybe I should become a relationship psychic. I foresaw the future. And, once again, I ignored the signs and fell for him anyway. I can’t decide which one of us was stupider.

I soften in his arms and hug him back.

He looks miserable.

“Look, I forgive you. I understand what you did. Hell, I predicted it. I knew it would happen. Knew we’d get happy, and you’d become more attractive to her because of it. I planned your makeover. I was just as much at fault as you. I never should’ve believed you. But you made me feel amazing and loved and sexy, and I didn’t listen to my head. I actually started to believe love could be a good thing.”

“Keatie, I was stupid too. I don’t know what I was thinking. You are so different, so much fun, and I feel like an equal with you.”

His eyes look moist. Like he’s on the verge of tears, which causes me to tear up. I try not to blink, so they won’t come out, but I can’t control them.

Dawson wipes away the tears from one side of my face and kisses the other side.

“I’m sorry. Please go out with me again.” He pulls the key necklace out of his pocket and tries to give it to me.

“I don’t want it, Dawson. Why don’t you give it to Whitney?”

“No. I bought you the necklace because I love you. You do have the key to my heart. I just thought for a second someone else did. And she used to, but I think you changed the lock because she just didn’t fit anymore.”

And although what he says is sort of romantic, I’m not buying it.

“We’re not getting back together.”

He looks defeated again. I hate seeing him like this. It’s the same look he had that night at the Cave, when I set out to make that gorgeous face smile again. And I did. But it wasn’t enough.

“Please tell me we’re not through.”

“I can’t say one way or another right now. I’m not trying to punish you or make you feel bad. I can see you feel bad already. But you know how parents always preach that there are consequences to the decisions we make? What you did hurt me, and I just can’t forget it.”

“Fine, don’t forget it. Forgive me. Understand. I was completely blindsided when she broke up with me. Then I tried for six months to get her back and now, all of a sudden, what I wanted for so long is being offered. I think I just needed closure, maybe. You once told me that Whitney should have forgiven me. Why can’t you?”

“That’s when you were drunk and pawing at my chest. I wish you had been drunk when she texted you. But, no. You chose her, stone cold sober, as you were supposed to be getting ready to go on a trip with me. Ego or not, it says a lot about whether you really loved me. If this is going to go anywhere further, you’re going to have to prove it to me. And, more importantly, you need to prove it to yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

“You keep saying that. You’re like a freaking broken record. You should tell yourself you’re sorry. I thought things were good. You wanted to meet my family, we were having fun, you seemed happy, the sex was amazing, you told me I owned you, and then poof. A few texts from her, and I’m history. I can’t forget that because you think you’re sorry.”

He hangs his head. “Shit. Everything you’re saying is true.” He pulls me close to him, holds my face like he does after sex, when he’s the sweetest. Then he tries to kiss me.

“I can’t do this. I gotta go.” I tell him.

I run into my dorm and collapse in a heap on my bed. Then I decide I don’t want to face my girlfriends yet. They will ask me a million questions that I don’t know the answers to, so I sneak out the back door and over to Riley’s room.



Revenge sex.

9:15pm



I’m lying on my side on Riley’s bed. He’s sitting on his wheeled desk chair, rolling around, unable to sit still.

“So, you talked to my brother and you’re not back together, right?”

“Right. And I’ve been thinking.”

“Oh, no.”

“Shut up. Now is not the time to make fun of me!”

“Sorry,” he says, as he throws a pencil toward me and winks.

“This is serious. Talk to me about hooking up.”

“Well, see, there’s your problem. Hooking up is not supposed to be serious. It’s supposed to be fun.”

“Well, I’m trying to decide which way I want to go. I'm leaning toward bad girl. Carefree. Emotionless. You know, a girl version of you.”

“I'm not emotionless.”

“I know that, but you can have meaningless sex. Well, maybe that’s what I want. I’m tired of caring. When I was in detention, we made a list of the top five hotties at school. I think I'm gonna work my way down that list.”

“Who else was on the list?”

“Jake, Aiden, Logan, and you.”

“Really!? I was on the list? Who put me on the list?”

“Uh, I don’t remember. So anyway, Logan is cute, but he kinda hates me. Which might make it difficult. Aiden is into some other girl. And then there’s Jake. I think he should be my first target. Plus it would have the added bonus of revenge.”

“Baby.”

“What?”

“You deserve more than that.”

“Oh, I know, I just don't want it. I'm done with boys toying with my emotions.”

“I don't think you should.”

“Why?”

“Guys don't like sluts.”

“You like sluts.”

“Yeah, short term, but not long term.”

“Exactly! I want short term. The shorter the better. Uh, and when I say short, I’m referring to the length of the relationship, not the length of his you know what.” I smile at him and raise my eyebrows.

“What am I gonna do with you?”

“Just what you've been doing. Picking up the pieces of what's left of me.”

“Dawson wants you back.”

“Well, this is about what I want. And tonight I wanna get f*cked up. In more ways than one. You in?”

“I'm always in.”

“Good, tonight’s gonna be fun.”





Monday, October 17th

Maybe it was a lot of puke.

7am



I wake up feeling horrible. My head is pounding and I feel sick.

Last night. Oh, last night.

I don’t think I want to remember it.

I lie in bed and look through my Facebook feed to see if there is anything on there I need to be embarrassed about.

Fortunately, I don’t find anything.

Then I take a quick look at my emails. I scroll through all the sale ads and see one from Grandpa. It’s one line.



-So, Hotshot, did you find yourself yet? Cause we haven’t heard from you.



I feel bad that I haven’t emailed Grandma and Grandpa for a while.

I reply.



-I’m working on it. Sorry I haven’t emailed in a while. It’s been busy.

Grandpa, I have a question for you. What’s the difference between love and true love?



I want to add, And why can’t I seem to find it?

But I don’t.

My mind flits back to last night.

I’m pretty sure I was the life of the party.

And not in a good way.

I remember telling Bryce to go get the good stuff out of his room. Doing shots. Dancing with Jake and Bryce in front of Whitney and Dawson.

Kissing Bryce.

Kissing Jake.

No. Really, I was making out with Jake.

We were dancing. His hands were all over me. My hands were all over him. I didn’t care who saw or what anyone thought. I had one mission.

To get laid and forget about Dawson.

To hurt him back.

Jake pulled me onto his lap. I was straddling him. Making out with him. Giving him a drunken lap dance. Dallas was putting dollar bills in my skirt.

Ugghh.

I throw my covers back, get out of bed, and turn on the shower.

I pull the hairband out of my ponytail and shake out my hair.

Oh gosh, my hair smells like puke.

Which makes me feel like I could throw up.

Again.



I shower, grab a towel, and stand in front of the mirror and dry myself off.

I stare at myself in the mirror to judge how bad I look.

I’m going to have to dress nice today. Pretend that I feel fine. That I’m not embarrassed.

But as I dry myself off, I see that I have three little hickeys. One on the side of my neck and two more on my chest near my bra line.

I remember Jake was sucking down the side of my neck.

I remember giggling as he was kissing down the front of me.

I’m also pretty sure that’s when Dawson got pissed and left.

I very clearly remember telling Jake I wanted to go back to his room. That we should have revenge sex. I even told him that I wanted to, um, do it. But I used the F-word.

And I never say anything like that. Not even with molten-lava-hot-a*shole Dawson. I’ve said that I want him, but never used that word to describe it. Ever.

I remember Jake telling me we’d go soon.

I was feeling groovy, as Brooklyn's dad would say.

Well, I was until I wasn't.

All of a sudden, the alcohol I'd consumed hit me.

I remember telling Jake I didn't feel so good while we were on the chair kissing, but he didn’t stop.

I’m pretty sure that’s about when I puked all over Aiden’s room.

Then it all gets blurry.

Riley holding me.

Riley taking me to his room. Riley holding my hair while I puked. Riley waking me up this morning at four and sneaking me behind the dorms and then through my window.

I put on a lot of eye cream and concealer to hide my puffy eyes, use the concealer to hide the hickeys, then go into my closet to try and find something to wear.

I dig through my closet and decide I just can’t do it. I don’t care what I look like today. I know Kym always says that looking good helps cure a hangover, but I just can’t do it.

I grab the plaid skort, a long sleeved white T-shirt, and the black cardigan, since black fits my mood. I add some black knitted thigh highs to keep my legs warm and a pair of red suede fringe boots.

Okay, so those might make me feel a little better. I grab my red furry Longchamp bag and pet it. Decide it needs to come with me too.

I go back in the bathroom to throw on some powder and mascara and brush my wet hair.

I add some sea salt spray and scrunch it into waves.

I look in the mirror and decide that it’s just going to have to do.

Katie had an early morning Spanish Club meeting, so she was gone before I even got up.

There’s a knock at my door.

I open it and find Riley with Revive Smart Water, pumpkin bread, and Advil.

“You are a life saver,” I say, grabbing the Advil from him and downing it.

As we walk to history, he says, “So, I’m thinking breakups and shots are not a good mix for you.”

“No shit. Do I need to die of embarrassment now?”

“You have ceramics with Jake this morning. That ought to be interesting.” He starts laughing. He seems to think this is just so freaking funny. “I think you may have gotten a little puke on Jake last night.”

“Oh, god.”

“Okay, well, maybe it was a lot of puke.”

“Just kill me now, Riley. What would be a fun way to die?”

He tosses his arm around my shoulder. “Oh, no. I'm not killing you. You're too much fun.”

“You held my hair while I puked.”

“Yeah, baby, that's okay.”

“Thank you. In case I didn't thank you last night. Like, during the puking.”

“Oh, you thanked me. You bawled, thanking me.”

“I bawled?”

“Oh, yeah. You had a drunken bawling meltdown. You kept thanking me for not being a stupid boy. You cried about the surfer and the orange, fake-boobed slut. You cried because you have a monkey nickname. I have no idea what that was all about. You cried about wishing on the moon and how since then your life has been shit. You cried about Dawson. About how you hate love. About how you are love cursed.” He licks his lips and smiles. “You want to be embarrassed about something, that’s what you should be embarrassed about. And that I changed your shirt. Did you even notice you were wearing my shirt this morning?”

“Uh, no.”

“I swear. I didn't look.” He laughs. “Well, not too much, anyway.”

“I love you, seriously. You're still my hero.”

“Yeah, I know. You told me that about a million times too.”

“I owe you.”

“Naw. That was me paying you back because my brother was an a*shole. We’re even, okay?”

“Okay. Riley?”

“Yeah?”

“Don't ever let me do that again.”



Have fun, no strings.

Ceramics.



I should skip ceramics, but I don’t.

I drop my bag down on the table I share with Bryce and Jake. Neither of them is here yet. Maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll both be sick.

But I’m not lucky today.

Bryce strolls into the room with Jake right behind him.

Shit.

What am I supposed to say? Do I apologize for puking on him? Or should I pretend I was so drunk that I don’t remember. I mean, really, I don’t actually remember that part. I could try to giggle and flirt with them. Go with the I-was-so-drunk routine that always seemed to excuse all the things Vanessa had done the night before.

Or maybe I’ll go with how I feel. The poor-pathetic-feel-sorry-for-me-because-my-boyfriend-dumped-me-so-I-got-drunk route. And the best part of that route is I won’t even have to act. It’s just the truth.

Bryce pats me on the back. “How we feeling, there, slugger? Remember kissing me last night?”

I keep my head down and groan slightly. That way I don’t have to look at them directly.

Jake bumps my side with his hip.

I look up at him then cover my face with my hand.

He says, “So . . . last night was, um, interesting.”

“I’m told I may have puked on you. I’m very sorry and extremely embarrassed.”

He pulls my hand off my face and smiles at me. “That’s kinda my fault. You told me you didn’t feel good. But I was pretty drunk and having too much fun.”

“Hopefully that means you don’t remember some of the things I may have said.”

His blushes a little. “Oh, that I do remember. Revenge sex. Revenge sex. Let’s have revenge sex. You’re lucky I’m a nice guy.”

“I didn’t want you to be a nice guy last night. Why were you?”

“Umm, well, me and Dawes are friends. And it’s cool we stayed friends even though I was dating Whitney. Kissing you was one thing, but sex would’ve been another.”

“The whole bros before hoes thing, huh?”

“Well, you’re my friend too. And you were drunk. You never get drunk. You always have fun and party, but you always seem like you know when to stop—before it gets ugly.”

“I like to get tipsy, but I don’t like that out of control drunk feeling, and I hate being hung over.”

“You a little hung over today?” He laughs at me.

“What do you think?”

“So last night was just about getting back at Dawson?”

“No. I mean, maybe, kinda. Plus, I decided I just want to have fun. No strings. Strings do nothing but get you hurt.” I sigh. A really big sigh.

Jake leans his arm on the table next to me and puts his fist under his chin. “You don’t really seem like that type of girl.”

“I never have been, but it makes sense.”

“You’re a good kisser.”

“From what I remember, you are too. I heard when things didn’t work out with Whitney and Dawson that she said she wanted you back.”

“She did. And she was pissed I was kissing you. But what she did to both of us pretty much sucked. So, I don’t really care.”

“Do you want her back?”

“Not at all. Can I tell you a secret?”

“Yeah.”

“This weekend, Maggie and I talked in the library for a really long time. You know, about you and Dawson. About Whitney. She is really nice. And really pretty. And making out with you was a whole lot of fun. I’m thinking I just want to be single.”

Bryce asks, “So you gonna get back together with Dawson? He’s miserable.”

“I don’t know. Right now it just hurts. He promised me that he didn’t care about her anymore. So, no matter what he says now I’m not going to believe him.”

“I’m glad you showed me the texts.”

Bryce interrupts. “Plus, we got the video, so, ya know, some good came out of it.”

“Everyone saw the video, didn’t they? The video of me acting like a slut.” I put my face back down in my hands and mutter, “I hate boys.”

“Better not hate me,” Jake says.

“Better never date me then.”



I was happy with you.

Lunch.

I sit down at a table all by myself. I don’t want company today. I want to wallow in aloneness.

This is the kind of day when you wish you could stay home from school and pretend to be sick. I suppose I could’ve pretended to be sick. Maybe I still can.

Dawson sits down next to me. “We need to talk, Keatie. Seriously.”

I take a bite of the calorie-laden fried chicken strips that I got for lunch today. They taste disgusting. “I’m really not in the mood to talk right now.”

“When, then? After school? Please, Keatie?”

“Dawson, you don’t even get it, do you? Do you know how embarrassing this is for me? I was going to take you home to meet my parents. You swore that you loved me and that you were over her. I have never felt so embarrassed of my decisions in my life.”

“Jeez, I know, okay. How would you feel if your surfer dude did that to you? He was your first love. What would you have done if he had said he wanted you back?”

“He did. Remember? You were with me. I told him I was happy with my boyfriend. That I was happy with you.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” He runs his hands back through his gorgeous dark hair. I try not to notice how his muscles flex or how sexy a gesture I’ve always thought it was. “Look, I’m so, so, incredibly sorry. I got caught up in it. It was like I wanted it for so long, and then when she finally wanted me, I just, I thought I needed to see. But what I realized is you are what makes me the me I am now. I’m so much happier with you than I ever was with her.”

I get tears in my eyes. “Yeah, but not happy enough to tell her no. Not happy enough to go with me. What you did sucked. It hurt. And I’m not over it. Sorry. You chose the path. I’m just trying to deal with it. And I really would like to sit alone.” I change my mind and stand up quickly. “Never mind. You stay. I’m leaving.”

He grabs my arm. “You kissed Dallas and Bryce last night. You made out with Jake. You gave him a lap dance in front of me. Told him you wanted to have revenge sex.”

“Yeah, I did. It was fun. Single girls can do that. And I know you kissed Whitney this weekend.”

“No. She kissed me. Only once. She said we had to see if it felt the same, but it didn’t. I’m not the same guy I used to be. I don’t fit with her anymore. I fit with you. I love you, Keatie. Please, give me another chance.”

“I can’t do this right now, Dawson. Seriously, I can’t. I feel like shit. And I don’t want to start crying in the middle of the café. Please, I’m embarrassed enough by all of this as it is.”

“You were drunk last night.”

“No shit.”

“Tonight. We’re going to talk.”

“I don’t know what else there is to say.”

“I’ll think of something,” he says, as I walk away.



Seal off.

French



I leave the cafeteria and go into the bathroom and cry. Then I clean up my mascara and go to French class early.

Aiden walks in early too.

“Hey,” he says, giving me a god-like smile and taking his usual seat behind me.

I don’t reply. I just give him a S’up head nod and then lay my pounding head down on my desk.

Apparently, his godly smile has no effect on a hangover.

I feel a tap on my back. I roll my eyes and turn around. “What?” I say exasperatedly. I don’t want to talk to him, or anyone else, for that matter.

He smiles at me and says, “Are you mad at me?”

“Are you happy that Dawson and I broke up?”

“Well, yeah, but I have my own reasons for that.”

“That sucks, Aiden. Because I’m hurt and if you had even a remote desire to be my friend, you wouldn’t want to see me hurt.”

He winces. Like what I just said hurt him.

God, I’m being a bitch. I’m taking my frustration out on him instead of Dawson.

I’m getting ready to tell him that I’m sorry when he reaches out and hands me a little star.

I take it in my hand and look at it. It’s one of the glow in the dark ones from his ceiling.

From his failed attempt to get the dream girl to go to Homecoming with him.

And that does make me mad.

I toss it back at him in disgust. “Why would I want this?”

He catches the star and lowers his head just a little. “I just thought, um, you said they remind you of your sisters and how you miss them. I just thought . . .”

“I don’t need the leftovers from your failed attempt at asking your dream girl to Homecoming,” I snarl.

“You're crabby today,” he states.

“No shit.”

“You probably shouldn't have drunk so much last night.”

I hold my hand behind my head, flash him my middle finger, and say, “Seal off, Aiden,” as Annie sits down.

She gives me an adorable look. The kind of look that makes me know she’s on my side.

She leans over and says to me, “Girls’ night tonight?”

“Abso-fricken-lutely.”



My life has gone to shit.

3pm



As I’m about to walk into the dance locker room, Whitney grabs me by the arm. “We need to talk.”

“Talk about what? I’m not talking to you.”

She looks around to make sure no one is near and admits, “I’m sorry, okay. He looked happy with you. I was jealous. Wished things could just go back to the way they used to be.”

She gets tears in her eyes. “What you did at Homecoming. In front of my family. No one has ever stood up for me like that. Since I broke up with Dawson, my life has gone to shit.”

“That happened to me too,” I confide in her. “Last spring, I broke up with my perfect boyfriend. Except he wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t happy. But I wish I could take it back, because since then, my life has gone to shit too.”

“Your life has gone to shit? Everything you do here turns to freaking gold.”

“I’m just trying to have fun. I don’t want to be involved in all the drama.”

“Do you think we could ever be friends? Dawson and I were never the way you are with him. We kissed. I made him. Told him that we needed to see.” She dabs a tear from the inside corner of her eye. “But you changed him.”

“No, you changed him, Whitney, when you broke up with him for reasons that had nothing to do with love. You broke his heart. Sometimes people just can’t get over that.”

She looks at the ground. “Yeah, I know,” she says quietly and I know she’s thinking about when Camden broke her heart all those years ago. “You should forgive him. It was all my fault.”

“Actually, it’s not all your fault. He could have told you no. And if he really loved me like he said, he would have.”

“I feel bad. I don’t usually feel bad about this kind of stuff.”

“I’m pretty sure I feel worse, but thanks. It makes me feel so much better to know that your breaking us up was for nothing.”

She puts her bitch face back on. “You made out with Jake last night.”

I stand up straight. “And there’s nothing wrong with that. Jake and I are both single. Because of you.”

Peyton walks up to us. “Keatyn, are you okay?”

I shake my head at her and quickly walk into the dance locker room.

Because I am not okay.



A peace offering.

6pm



I’m walking back to my dorm room, looking forward to having a girls’ night when I get a group text from Annie.



Annie: Hey! We’re all going to meet in my room tonight. My roommate has a swim meet, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.



Me: I just want to go back to my room. Can’t we do it in my and Katie’s room like we planned?



Annie: No. You need a change of scenery. And I already ordered in food, have wine, and copious amounts of chocolate and junk food.



Katie: Yeah, can’t we just do it in our room?



Me: PLEASE??



Annie: Are you REALLY going to ask me to move ALL of what I’ve set up?



I feel bad. Shit.



Katie: No, we won’t. We’ll all be there.



Me: I’m going to stop, change clothes, and wash my face. I’ll be there in a few :)



Annie: Good :)



I get to Annie’s room and curl up on her bed. She sits on the bed, pulls me into a hug, and then hands me a piece of chocolate. “Here, eat this. It will make you feel better.”

I look at what she handed me. A little purple foil wrapped square. The word Bliss written on it.

I hear Aiden’s voice in my head. Vos lèvres sont mon béatitude.

I unwrap the candy, pop it in my mouth, and let the chocolate slowly melt. It really does taste like bliss.

“That’s really good, Annie. Thanks for doing all this.”

She brings three pizza boxes down to the center of her floor and hands out paper plates.

I decide to try and enjoy girls’ night and not whine and bring everyone else down. Plus, I’m so incredibly grateful that I didn’t have to show my face in the café tonight.

I get a text from Dawson reminding me that we’re supposed to talk tonight. I tell him I’m having a girls’ night.

“So, I need updates on everyone’s weekend,” I say to the girls.

Maggie giggles. “So what do you guys think of Jake? Do you think I could possibly have a chance with him? Is he getting back together with Whitney?”

“He is super hot,” Annie says. “Keatyn, you know him the best. What do you think of him?”

I look at Maggie. “I kissed him last night. Made out with him. We were both drunk and trying to get back at Whitney and Dawson. It doesn’t mean anything. God, I even puked on him.”

“I heard about that,” Annie says. “Aiden told me that you puked all over his room and he had to clean it up.”

“Shit. I was mean to him in French, wasn’t I? I should have thanked him or apologized. I think that’s all I did today. Apologize for being an idiot.”

Maggie lunges at me and wraps me in a hug. “You are not an idiot. You need to stop blaming yourself for what Dawson did. It’s not your fault. Boys suck.”

Katie waves her hand in the air. “I’ll second that.”

“Katie,” Annie says. “We need to talk about your drinking.”

“Yeah, we do. You would think that after what happened you wouldn’t ever drink again. But you got drunk at the Cave again on Saturday night,” Maggie says.

“Oh, so Keatyn can puke all over and it’s okay with everyone, but I get drunk and I’m in trouble?”

“I think my situation is a little different, Katie,” I say gently. “I hardly ever get drunk. You hardly ever don’t get drunk.”

She starts to tear up. “I don’t know how it keeps happening. I plan on only having a couple drinks, but then when the guys offer me shots, I can’t seem to say no. And when I do say no, they tease me about how I can’t keep up with them.”

“You can’t keep up with the guys. You have to be able to say no. Have one drink then have a bottle of water. And try not to drink more than one drink per hour. ”

She nods.

Maggie gives her a hug. “We just want you to be safe, okay?” Then she turns to me. “Can we please talk about Jake? I don’t care that you kissed at the party. What I care is that he didn’t kiss me. Didn’t even try to kiss me. He talked to me. Like we talked and talked for hours in the library. I think I fell a little in love with him.”

“He said he had fun talking to you and thinks you are really sweet and pretty, but he also said he wants to be single for a while and just have fun. Basically, we both decided to become sluts.”

Annie looks at me with wide eyes, “Really? You want to be a slut? Sleep with a bunch of guys?”

“Well, last night it sounded like a good idea but the truth is, I can’t do that I have to like a guy. And I really only want to do it with a guy that I really like. Love, hopefully.”

“Ace and I went a little further,” Annie almost whispers.

“A little further?”

“Well, yeah, just a little. Like, I touched it.”

We all scream and laugh.

“And?” I say.

“It seems very big. I didn’t realize they get so big. I can NOT imagine that thing inside me.”

Maggie hoots, “Oh, it will fit just fine. Are you thinking about doing it with him?”

“Well, I mean, I have thought about it. I’m not ready yet, but I’ve thought about it.”

“Trust me on this,” I say to her very seriously. “Wait. Wait until you think you can’t wait any longer. And then wait some more.”

“I’m surprised to hear you say that,” Katie says. “I thought you would encourage her because it was so great with Dawson.”

“It was great with Dawson. Sex stuff feels good. It can be great, but I think it makes you feel like you are sort of in love with the person. I think maybe Dawson thought he loved me because that part of our relationship was really exciting. But then when it came down to it, he didn’t really love me. Same with my ex. He said he loved me, we did it, and then he didn’t even respect me enough to not basically screw someone else in front of me. I think if I ever do it again, it’s going to be with a boy that I know loves me.”

Annie says, “But that’s the problem, isn’t it? The knowing.”

“Yes, that’s the problem.”

“So, I should wait?”

“You should definitely wait.”

“So, what are you going to do about Dawson?”

“He wants to talk tonight.” I hold my hands up in the air. “What is there to talk about?”

“Didn’t you read all his Facebook statuses while you were gone?” Annie asks. “If I were Whitney, I’d feel like complete shit. Everyone knew she wanted to get back together with him, and then he posted all those statuses.”

“What statuses? I haven’t looked at Facebook since I pressed the single button.”

“I think you should read them,” Annie says gently. “Actually, let’s read them together.”

She grabs her laptop and pulls up Dawson’s profile page. “Do you want to read them, or shall I read them to you?”

“Read them out loud, so we can figure out what they mean.”

“Okay, we’ll start on Friday night. After you left, he said, So confused. Then later that night, I really screwed up, and then there is a little broken heart. Aww, that’s so sad. Okay, so then I think this must have been after he saw the video. Just threw my computer across the room, shattered it. Going to kill my brother. Then at like two in the morning, he wrote on your wall, Keatie, I’m sorry. I love you. You didn’t comment, but some people did. Jake said, F you. Dallas said, Heard you liked the video. I said, Heart you, Keatyn.”

“Aw, that was sweet, Annie.”

“Let’s see. Then on Saturday after I know they had lunch together, he posted, I miss my Keatie.

Maggie says, “If I was Whitney, that would have made me feel like crap.”

Okay, so then he posted on your wall again. I miss you and another broken heart. Then we all know that he and Whitney were at the party together. Apparently, when he got home from that he posted, The past is history. Then on Sunday. Counting down the hours until I can apologize in person. Then Sunday night. Love sucks.”

“Wow. What do you all think that means?”

“It means he realized quickly that he screwed up. He was upset, but he still tried with Whitney, and it didn’t work,” Annie says.

“Plus, he knew she would read his status, and he didn’t care,” Katie says, defending Dawson. “They were all about you. I think you should take him back. He just made a mistake.”

My phone vibrates. “It’s him.” I laugh. “His ears must be burning.”



Dawson: I thought of something.



Me: Huh?



Dawson: You told me we’d have nothing to talk about. I thought of something we could talk about.



Me: I just read all your Facebook posts from this weekend.



Dawson: We could talk about that. I’m out for a walk, wanna join me?



Me: I’m at Annie’s dorm and I look like crap. Be prepared.



I walk out, and Dawson says, “Casual, yes. Crap, no.” He snakes his arm around my waist. “You always come out here with practically nothing on, then I have to give you my sweatshirt.”

“Oh, sorry, I, um, I’ll run back in and grab one.”

“No, you’re not. I love seeing you wear my clothes.” He pulls his sweatshirt off over his head and pulls it down over mine. “This feels familiar,” he says, then pulls the hoodie strings toward him.

“Did you really know right away you screwed up? Like before you even hung out with her?”

“I told you, the second you were gone, I knew I made a mistake. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You’re the last person I’d want to hurt.”

“And after you hung out with her, when you said the past is history. What did you mean by that?”

“I meant that she’s part of my past, not my future. You are my future. Well, I hope you are. Keatie, I love you.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“Will you give me another chance?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can we start over?”

“I don’t know, Dawson. Maybe. If we go anywhere, we’d have to go back to the beginning.”

He gives me a sexy grin. “Our beginning was pretty amazing.”

I lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek. “I have to get back in there.”



I go back inside and tell the girls about what he said. We dissect the entire conversation and consider the pros and cons of getting back together with him. And even though they come up with a lot of pros, I know I can’t do it.

At least, not yet.

My phone buzzes.



Aiden: I’m in the library. You’re not here.



Me: You’re gonna have to go it alone tonight. I’m not up for it.



Aiden: Just come talk to me.



Me: I have no makeup on. My hair is a mess. I’m not going anywhere.



Aiden: Then I’m coming to you.



Me: No.



Aiden: You missed the monthly birthday celebration at dinner tonight. I have cake for you. Double layer chocolate.



Me: Fine. But I’m warning you. I look scary. And I’m at Annie’s dorm.



Aiden: I can handle it. And I know. Meet me outside.



“Aiden is bringing me cake. I have to run outside.”

“You can’t see him with no makeup. Quick, put some on.”

“Naw, I don’t care.”

Annie says, “You must be really upset about Dawson if you don’t care.”

“I am really upset about Dawson.”

“Don’t forget to apologize to him,” she says, as she walks me to the door.



“So, cake, huh?”

“Come here.” Aiden takes my hand like it’s the most normal thing in the world and leads me over to a bench that is just off to the side of the entrance to Annie’s dorm. He spreads a napkin across my lap, takes the plastic wrap off the cake, sets it on my lap, and hands me a fork. “Dig in.”

I take a big bite.

I look like shit, I’m not gonna impress him with my manners either.

“Oh. Wow. Oh, yuuummm. This is goooood cake.”

“Told ya.”

I take another forkful and hold it up to his mouth.

He opens his mouth, so I give him a bite. “It is really good, but I already had a piece. This is for you.”

“Why did you get me cake, Aiden?”

He touches my index finger with his. Runs it slowly up my hand. “I saw you weren’t at dinner. Thought it’d be nice. Is it not nice?”

I take another bite, almost groan in ecstasy, and then say, “It’s very nice. But a lot of girls missed dinner. Did you get them all cake?”

He frowns at me. “No, I didn’t get them all cake. I’m sorry I made you mad today.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I was crabby. And I’m really sorry I puked all over your room. I’ve had a rough couple of days.”

“That’s why I brought cake, Boots. It’s a peace offering. Get it? Piece of cake. Peace offering?”

I nod at him and smile. “I get it, and I like both kinds of peace.”

He stops moving his finger across my hand and looks at me intently. “Good. Remember that in a few minutes.”

“Why . . .?” I start to say, but I can’t finish because his lips are on mine.

He gives me one of his long, slow, perfect, electrifying kisses.

Our lips touch.

They barely move.

They don’t have to.

Just touching is somehow enough.

The kiss ends. He must have ended it.

There’s no way I pulled away from a kiss like that.

I want to be kissed like that forever.

I’m frozen, holding my breath, and staring at his beautiful face. Those green eyes that make me feel emotionally naked every time he looks at me.

He touches my bottom lip with his finger.

Slowly glides it from one corner to the other.

“How are your lips?’ he asks. And I know exactly what he’s referring to. The night when he fixed my lips.

“Perfect,” I reply, with a contented sigh.

“So you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“How could I be mad?” I say.

But I want to tell him that I know it’s all bullshit. The lines. The kisses.

I want to tell him that I’m not falling for him again.

That I was crushed when he didn’t call me after our 29 dances.

That I saw our future.

That I just got hurt by a boy and I don’t ever want to be hurt again. That I could never give him my heart.

For one reason.

He could destroy it.

If Dawson had the potential to break my heart, crack it in two, Aiden has the power to annihilate it.

And I would never be the same.

That’s why we can only be friends.

That and the fact that he’s hung up on someone else.

He gets up and says, “For once, I’m gonna end it on a good note. Goodnight, Boots.”

“Night, Aiden,” I say, trying to keep the wistful sound out of my voice.



I stop before I go back into Annie’s room and take a deep breath.

It’s just cake.

He felt bad.

It’s just cake.

He’s a nice guy.

It’s just cake. He’s finally not failing French.

You are his tutor. It’s just cake. A peace offering, so you will keep tutoring him.

I set the cake on the floor and let the girls dig in.

“Oh my gosh. We are never missing cake night again!” Maggie exclaims.

“It was sweet of Aiden to bring you cake,” Annie gushes.

“I wish a boy would bring me cake,” Katie says.

I touch my lip and say quietly, almost to myself. “He kissed me.”

“Like made out or kissed?” Maggie asks, her mouth still full of chocolate.

“Just one of his super slow, lips-barely-touching, amazing kisses.”

“But you’re still done with boys?”

“Definitely,” I say with conviction. “But, I mean, he brought us cake. He deserved a kiss, don’t you think?”

“I’d do more than kiss for cake this good,” Maggie laughs.

“You’re bad.”

She grins. “I wish.”



It’s a mess.

10:30pm



Katie and I roll into our room just before curfew. I brush my teeth and walk out of the bathroom.

And see my side of our room.

There are books all over the floor by my desk. There are clothes piled high on my chair.

I slowly walk towards my closet and peek in.

It’s a mess.

My shoes aren’t in their boxes.

My expensive handbags are tossed in a pile on the floor instead of lovingly placed in a row on my shelf.

I back out of my closet and look at my bed. My bed, which I stopped making every morning.

Oh my god.

I’ve become Dawson.

I almost quit the play because of him. I almost gave up on my dream because of a boy.

Mom always says that Tommy encourages her to shine. That he’d never try to change her.

But Dawson didn’t try to change me. I let myself change.

What did Kym say after I broke up with Sander? I’m doing me.

And I think that’s exactly what I need to do.

Promise to myself #1: No more getting drunk and out of control. You are not that kind of girl. You’ve never been that kind of girl. You like being in control.

Promise to myself #2: You are single. But you don’t need to act like Dawson did. Kissing everyone to make your ex jealous. No. You need to kiss whoever you want. Whenever you want. No apologizing for it.

There are too many hot guys here to apologize for it.

Oh, yeah, I’m going to like being single.

Welcome to my whoredom, boys.



I pick up my room while Katie showers. Then I call Mom.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey,” she says. “Garrett is pretty upset with you.”

“I was hoping he wouldn’t tell you. Dawson and I broke up, Mom. His ex texted him and wanted to get back together. I was going to surprise you this weekend. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing. I chartered a plane and was going to just show up at your house. I thought we could stay in all weekend and no one would know I was ever there. I was bringing Dawson with me. I was going to tell him the truth on the plane. That’s why I was so upset. Why I went to Miami. I needed to see Damian. I needed my friend.”

“Oh, Keatyn,” she says with a sigh. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom. I’m done with boys. I just want you to know. I won’t make any more mistakes. I won’t see anyone or risk anything. I’ll take better care of me. I promise. I’m sorry, Mom.” I start crying. It’s all catching up to me. I want my mom. I want her to come in my room and sit on my bed and talk to me and hug me when I feel like crying. I want to go to my sisters’ room. I want all four of them to jump on me and hug me at once. I want Tommy to tease me. I can’t do this here.

I just want to go home.

“Sweetie, you’re seventeen. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t make a few mistakes. I think you have been beyond responsible. You left to protect the girls, right?”

“Yes. I love them so much. That letter in Avery’s backpack freaked me out. I don’t want Vincent to ever be anywhere near them. And, obviously, he is still looking for me. He’s not just forgetting about me and giving up. But I was upset about Dawson. And I let it cloud my judgment. He told me he loved me, Mom, but he didn’t really.”

“You know, honey, you can’t fully love anyone until you learn to love yourself.”

I hear a blood-curdling screech from one of the girls, then Mom yells, “I’ve got to go! I love you!”

The call disconnects but I’m still holding the phone to my ear. Mom’s words are resonating through my head.

You can’t fully love anyone until you learn to love yourself.

I’ve been so worried about if a boy loves me or not. I give them my heart only to get it back stomped on and broken. I can blame Brooklyn and Dawson all I want for breaking my heart.

But the truth is, I let them.

I didn’t listen to the nagging voice in my head. The voice that knew when we were on tour with Damian that things weren’t right with B. The voice inside my head that knew all along that Whitney would want Dawson back and that he would want to go.

I didn’t listen to them for one reason.

Love.

I kept telling myself that it wasn’t true because they loved me.

I think it’s time to figure out what I want out of my life.

It’s time to learn to love me.



I lie down in my bed and close my eyes.

My bed feels so good.

I hear Katie brush her teeth, flip off the lights, and then get into bed.

“Night, Keatyn.”

“Night, Katie.”

I take a couple deep breaths and relax.

I’m so ready to go to sleep and have this day be officially over.

“Keatyn!” Katie exclaims a few minutes later. “They’re so pretty! I love them!”

“Love what?” I say, keeping my eyes shut tight.

Please, just go to sleep.

“You mean you didn’t do it?” she asks.

“Didn’t do what?”

“Open your eyes, silly.”

“I don't want to open my eyes. I want to go to sleep and forget today. Forget last night.”

“Keatyn, you need to open your eyes.”

“Fine,” I say, as I slowly open them.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Oh my gosh.

Our entire ceiling is covered with hundreds of little glow-in-the-dark stars.

“They’re beautiful,” I tell Katie. “When did you find time to do that?”

“I didn’t do it. That’s why I asked if you did it.”

“I didn’t do it,” I say again.

“Who do you think did?”

“I have no idea. Unless, it was Annie. Is that why she was so adamant that we come to her room tonight? Is she trying to cheer us up?”

“Could be. But she was with us the whole time.”

My mind drifts to Aiden handing me a little star today in French. Me getting mad at him and tossing it back.

Then tonight. The cake. The peace offering.

Could Aiden have done this?

But that doesn’t make sense.

They were for the dream girl.

But in class he said something about my sisters liking them. About how they reminded me of home. Was he just trying to get rid of them?

"I think it might know,” I whisper to Katie.

I grab my phone from my bedside table and call Aiden.

“Hey, Boots, what's up?” he says, in his smooth delicious voice. “Get it? What’s up?”

“Aiden, did you . . .”

He doesn't let me finish. “The answer to your question is yes. I did put stars all over your ceiling.”

“They’re beautiful. But I don’t understand why you did it.”

“I did it because I think it’s time you finally knew that the stars were always for you. Always. Only. Ever. For you.”





The End.