talk to me.”
Sobs started to come out. I had trouble catching my breath.
I needed to breathe. I needed to calm down and breathe.
But I couldn’t. Just when I thought I was getting better,
something always knocked me on my side. And it was always,
always when I least expected it.
“Macallan?” He took out his phone. “Mr. Dietz, I’m with
Macallan, I don’t know what’s going on. I think she’s having
some sort of panic attack.”
Not my father, I thought. Please don’t bring my dad into this.
I somehow found the strength to reach out and touch
Levi’s leg.
“Wait, she’s getting my attention.” Levi kneeled down.
“Your dad wants to talk to you.”
Levi lifted the receiver to my ear. “Calley, sweetie, what is
it?” My father’s voice was so worried. I hated that I was doing this to him. “Please talk to me.”
“It . . . was . . .” I tried to calm myself down, but hearing
Dad’s voice made it worse. I took a deep breath. “Tell him
about the necklace.”
63
It was all I could get out, but enough for Dad to
understand.
I watched Levi listen to what Dad was telling him. His
face went white.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” His voice was so low and quiet.
“I didn’t know.” I couldn’t tell if he was apologizing to Dad or me. Probably both.
Of course he didn’t know. How could he have? How could
he have known that my mom had worn a very similar necklace with the letter M that my dad gave her the day they brought me home from the hospital? How could he have
known that she wore it every single day? How could he
have known that she died wearing it? That she was buried
with it?
Levi hung up the phone and sat down next to me. He put
his arm around me, and I leaned against his shoulder. “Your
dad is on his way. I’m so sorry, Macallan. I’m so sorry that I
didn’t know. I’m so sorry that I had to remind you of something so hurtful. I’m so sorry I don’t know how to help you
with this big part of your life. If it’s even possible. I’m so sorry that I don’t know what to say right now.”
He paused for a second, but just having him there, having
him near me, was what I needed. “I know I’ve been a total
idiot lately and haven’t really been around. And I’m sorry for
that, too. I know I don’t know a lot, but what I do know is that I’m going to be here. Whatever you need, whenever you need
it, you know you can count on me, don’t you? Nothing will
ever change that. Nothing. You do know that, right?”
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I don’t think I truly knew it for sure until that very instant.
And even though my heart was being ripped apart by the
memory of my mother, I let Levi’s kind gesture help patch it.
I realized it was time for Levi to meet someone.
We were bundled up as we made our way up the hill. Levi
had been quiet on the ride over. I wasn’t sure how he would
react, but I knew it was time for me to open up to him.
We approached our destination. Levi a few paces behind
me, his head down.
“Levi, I’d like you to meet my mom.” I stood next to her gray
marble gravestone. “Mom, this is Levi. I told you about him.”
I brushed off some of the snow that was on top of the stone.
“Hi,” Levi said softly.
“Come sit.” I took out a blanket and laid it on the cold
ground. “I wanted to bring you here so I could tell you a little about my mom.” My voice started to quiver. This was what I’d
been afraid of. It was really hard to talk about Mom without
getting sad. But the therapist I saw after she died said it was important for me to talk about her. To share my memories of
her with other people.
I wished Levi could’ve met my mom. She would’ve loved him.
“She . . .” I began, but felt the sting behind my eyes.
“It’s okay,” Levi said. “You don’t have to if it’s too hard.”
“I want to.”
“Can I start?” he asked. “Um, Mrs. Dietz, I’m Levi. I’m
sure Macallan has told you all about me. And, well, none of
it’s true, unless she told you I’m awesome.”
65
A small, grateful laugh escaped my throat.
“Yeah, I met her on the first day of school and you should
know how nice she was to me. I’ve seen pictures of you at the
house, so I know where she got her looks. And, um, she’s a
ridiculous student. It’s kinda annoying really.” He looked
worriedly at me. “Is this okay?”
I liked that he was having a conversation with Mom as he
would if she were here. “Yeah, it’s great.”
“Okay, so, like, when I first met her, I thought she hated
me. You see, I had this long hair and I’m pretty sure she
thought I was a hippie or something. But then she found
out that I also liked this show, Buggy and Floyd.” He looked up from the ground. “Does she know what I’m talking
about?”
I nodded. It made me happy that he used the present tense
with Mom.