This is it. I’m about to go big time. And all those doors that have been closed to me for the last four years will open. But if men like Gabriel are behind those doors, what then? Does the end really justify the means? Am I a sick piece of shit for participating in this business, even if my intentions are good?
I can’t answer that. I’m not capable of self-judgment. The money blinds me. The partnership with JD blinds me. Hell, even Blue blinds me.
I shut down my computer and push away from my desk feeling more lost than I have in years. Seeing Lanie last weekend isn’t helping things much, either. In fact, I think she’s the whole reason I’m having this reawakening in the first place.
I came into Ray’s place thinking he might be part of the problem. But he’s not the problem. I am. He’s not the one hoarding secrets. I am. He’s not the one selling his soul. He never wrestled with the line between good and evil. Ray is just a guy who saw an opportunity and took it.
And I could be just like him.
Or I could’ve been just like him.
But now that Blue is here I’m questioning the road forward.
Public Fuck with JD and Blue?
Or cash out and go home?
I nod to the guards standing outside Ray’s private floor and head back up the stairs to my waiting Jeep. The ground is covered in a few inches of fresh snow and I have to warm the old girl up for a few minutes before heading home in the pre-dawn light. By the time I make it back to my own parking garage, the snow is falling in large, round flakes.
Inside the apartment it’s cold, our winter heating settings not yet ready to kick in, so I adjust the thermostat and walk outside onto the terrace to take in the city before it wakes up.
Is this my city now? Denver? Will I stay here forever? Take Ray’s place once he retires?
Or will I move on? Get out as soon as I can?
I look over my shoulder, past the terrace doors. Into the condo. Will I leave JD behind if I go? I try to imagine a life without JD and find that I can’t. And it’s not because I want to marry the guy. I don’t. I want a wife and kid. I want what most men want.
But I want JD to be there too. It hurts to think of leaving him behind if this ends. What will happen to him? Will he be able to go on without me? And aren’t I full of myself? To think that he needs me as much as I need him.
Gabriel is right about one thing. I love JD. And I’ll do anything for the guy.
I turn around and go back inside, the snowflakes sticking to my hair, the cold sticking to my body, making me need to warm up in the shower. I head to my room and stop short when I see them both in my bed.
Fuck. My eyes linger on JD’s hand on Blue’s bare breast, JD’s long, muscled leg wrapping over her in a protective embrace. And there’s empty space where I’d fit in perfectly, if I just gave in to my feelings.
I turn away and get into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the filth I deal in four nights a week.
If I give in… we’d have a life of porn-selling. And as long as we ran the business by the book, it’d be a very nice one. Filled with whatever we wanted. Vacations together. Christmases. Birthdays. Hell, kids. We could have kids like any other partnership. I picture this place filled with a family we make together.
Is that stupid?
Is Blue even invested? She’s a girl missing from a very prominent family. How long can we keep up the charade? How long before she misses her family so much, she risks contact? And once there’s contact, this life evaporates. There’s no way she’d stay with JD and me. No fucking way.
The only possibility of making something real out of this is to take care of all the outside threats. And if I do that, can I continue to be this person? Can I continue to contribute to the demise of hundreds—hell, thousands—of girls involved in the industry each year?
How the fuck do I justify that?
It’s a no-win. There is no way to win this game without tearing my whole life down in the process.
I turn the water off and grab a towel, wrapping it around my waist. When I open the door, the steam from the bathroom pours out into the bedroom, covering the two people in my bed with mist. Making them look like apparitions. Like they can disappear at any moment.
I drop the towel and walk over to the bed. JD is facing me, hugging Blue to his chest. He opens one tired eye and smiles. “Just get in bed, Ark.”
His voice is soft, but Blue stirs, twisting her body so her shoulders are flat on the mattress, her breasts exposed to me. Her breathing is still deep, telling me she’s asleep.
I pull the covers back and slide in next to her and when she turns into me, her cool body hits my overheated one from the shower. She moans and snuggles in closer, making me chance a look over at JD to see what he’s thinking about this.
He closes his eyes and places a hand on her hip, then slides it down her belly so that it rubs me as well. My dick is already hard, but that adds to my growing desire. I want to touch him. I want him to touch me. And I want to share more than Blue.
His hand spends a few moments caressing Blue’s *, and she moans again, but this time her eyes flutter for a few seconds. When she finally opens them, the desire in there seals the deal.
I want them both.
They both want me.
We want each other.
Her hand comes up, her palm sliding along the rough stubble of my cheek. And then JD’s hand is on top of hers and we lie there, enjoying the moments. Enjoying the beginning of something new.
Not sex.
Not lust.
Love. It’s the official beginning of our shared love.
And then we pass the start line.
“Blue, baby,” JD says in that low throaty growl he likes to use on the whores. But this time, it opens up a level of desire in me like it never has before. And when he grabs Blue’s hand and slides it down my chest, both their fingertips caressing my skin the whole way down to my cock, I reach up and grip his hair in a tight fist.