It’s a change of subject. No, it’s more than a change of subject. It’s denial and escape and salvation all rolled into one five-word sentence. “Sure,” I say with a smile. “What good does it do to dwell on what you can’t change?”
He stands, scoops me into his arms, and carries me towards Ark’s bedroom. “Darling, no truer words have ever been said.”
He lays me down on the bed. Gently, like he might do for Marie. And then the tears are there and I roll over and bury my face in the pillow.
“Shhh,” he says, sliding in next to me. “Let’s not do this, Blue.” He whispers the words. They are soft and calming. His fingers lift my shirt up, and I let him take it off. I push down my borrowed boxers without being encouraged.
“Make me forget, JD. Make me forget what they did.” I turn on my side so I can see him, and I cup his face in my hands. His face is smooth now that he’s shaved, and it feels so good. It feels like strength. It feels like protection. It feels like forgiveness. For all of my sins. “Make me forget and I’ll make you forget too.”
He smiles, a genuine JD smile, and I melt. He wraps me up in his arms and pulls me close, so we are face to face. And then he touches his lips to mine and shakes his head as he pulls back. “I can’t forget, Blue. That’s my problem. If you know how to make that happen, tell me.” His blue eyes search mine. “Tell me how you forget, because I’ve never learned that skill. I never stop thinking about her. Never. I see her face in everyone. Even you. That’s why I took you home, Blue. Every girl who sucks my dick on camera, in my mind they are all my girl. The one I lost. That’s why I do it. That’s the only reason I do it. I haven’t had a girlfriend in four years. I haven’t asked a girl out on a date in four years. All I have left are the ghosts of her. I live my life every day with the hope that I can get a glimpse of her in a girl on her knees in front of me. I’m sick, man. I want to be the one who can take away whatever it is you’re feeling, but the truth is, I’m a mess.”
I stare at him for a moment. I want to choose the right words. I want to make him better. I want to save him the way he saved me. “I’m very new at this coping stuff, JD. I’m just a baby at it. But you take it away for me just by being here. And Ark does the same thing. And that’s why I want you. That’s why I need you. So maybe—when you look at me tonight—you can see me instead of her? Maybe that will help?”
He presses my palm into his cheek. The freshness of his skin grounds me again. “You’re so beautiful. Your eyes are like the water you see in those pictures of paradise. A color that can’t be described because a word for it can’t do it justice. And your hair is gold, like the sun. You’re my paradise, Blue. You and Ark are all I have left.”
“I’m yours, JD. If you want me, I’m yours.”
“No, Blue,” he whispers back. “You’re ours.”
And then he pushes me back onto the bed and gets up on his knees. He grips my thighs and opens them up so he can position himself between my legs. His cock is so hard it stands up, like it’s reaching for his belly. The tip is glistening and my * throbs with anticipation. As soon as he enters me, he places his hand on my throat, lightly squeezing. His thumb is on my pulsing artery, his fingers along the other side of my jaw.
He thrusts inside me, pressing against the aching throb in my neck, filling me up and making me cry out with my last breath.
I see stars. I see heaven. I see every good thing I ever forgot. I feel the pain mixed with the pleasure. And his hard body—muscled and sweaty from confessions, and lust, and need—weighs me down. My throat stops drawing in air and my chest stops rising. And in that same moment the darkness takes over.
In that same moment… we come.
Ray is nowhere to be found when I get to his private quarters where my editing office is, so I spend the next four hours wondering. And I have no shortage of things to wonder about.
JD. How strong is he these days? Strong enough to hear what Gabriel told me without killing someone if it turns out to be true? Killing himself if it adds up to nothing? Do I want to risk either of those things by telling him? Do I want to risk our friendship, and whatever may be developing with the addition of Blue, by not telling him?
How am I competent to make this decision alone? Why am I in this position in the first place? Why do people trust me? Why in the ever-loving fuck do people put their trust in me?
I admit, that has been on my mind a lot over the past year.
When I got off the bus and found JD, that was a stroke of luck. I thought for sure my life was on track.
But it wasn’t. It’s not on track. It’s so far off-track, I don’t even know who I am anymore. No matter how much money I make, it’s not enough to erase the reason I came to Denver in the first place. No matter how successful I appear, the last four years add up to nothing but failure. After all the girls I’ve come across on the streets, why does Blue have to be the one who makes a difference? Why now?
Because you got comfortable, Ark, my inner voice says. You got used to this life. Started to enjoy it.
And that’s true. It’s not a bad life. And it’s about to get even better. We are a few weeks away from Public Fuck America going live.
Why now?
I stopped questioning the whole idea that doing bad things can lead to good. I stopped feeling guilty. Stopped keeping myself awake at night wondering what I’m doing. Why I’m doing it.
Blue was wrong when she said I wasn’t invested. I am invested. Just not in the way she thinks.
The software I’m running completes the rendering of the movie, and I save it to the weekly outgoing folder so I can upload it on Sunday when we complete our last week of contract work for Ray.