Scene Two
Confessions
Kiera paused to take it all in. “Kellan…wow…it’s beautiful.”
Leaning against the railing, I paused to take her in. “Yes, it is.” Opening my arms wide, I added, “Come here.”
She walked over and wrapped her arms around me, and I looped mine around her. Content with her in my arms, I shifted my gaze to take in the lights of the city. It really was magnificent up here.
I could feel Kiera’s eyes on me. After a moment of inspection, she whispered, “Why me?” I wasn’t sure how this conversation would begin, but explaining why she’d caught my eye seemed as good a place as any.
Shifting my gaze to her, I smiled. “You have no idea how attractive you are to me. I kind of like that.” It was just one of the many things about her that made her different. Kiera blushed in a beautifully modest way, and I paused as I pondered how to explain everything to her. “It was you and Denny…your relationship.”
I knew that wouldn’t make sense to her, so I wasn’t surprised when she frowned. “What do you mean?” she asked, threading her fingers through the hair above my ear. Suddenly faced with opening my heart, I felt my nerves spring to life and I looked back over the city. I wasn’t sure if I could do this. Kiera grabbed my cheek and made me look at her. She wanted me to stop hiding; she wanted an answer. “What do you mean, Kellan?”
With a sigh, I looked down. I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. Not with her. I needed to open up and tell her everything. Show her everything. Hopefully it didn’t hurt too much, although it couldn’t hurt as much as the thought of losing her. “I can’t explain this properly, without…without clarifying something Evan said.”
Kiera thought for a moment, then said, “When you told him, quite rudely, by the way, to back off?”
Wishing we were already past this part and she already knew, I murmured, “Yeah.”
“I don’t understand—what does that have to do with me?”
I shook my head with a sad smile. “Nothing…everything.”
She seemed amused by that. “Eventually you’re going to start making sense, right?”
I laughed and looked out over the skyline. “Yeah…just give me a minute.” Or three, or four. I can do this…
Respecting my wishes, Kiera put her head on my shoulder and held me tight. As I held her head in place and rubbed her back, I felt my unease dissolving. This wasn’t just anyone I was opening up to. This was Kiera. She had my heart, every corner of it, so what did it matter if she knew about the darkness that surrounded me? She would love me anyway. I was sure of that. My secrets were safe with her. I was safe with her.
I began quietly, because it was the only way I could get the words out. “You and Evan were right about the women. I’ve been…using them…for years.” I’d been too angry at the time to admit it to myself when Evan had cornered me about it in the back room, but now I could clearly see what I’d been doing to women my entire life as I’d aimlessly searched for a connection with someone. Anyone. I’d used them to make myself feel better. To make myself feel worthwhile, even if it was just for a moment.
Kiera had an odd, hurt expression on her face. “For years? Not just because of me?”
Smiling, I tucked some hair behind her ears. “No…although that certainly made it worse.” So much worse. I’d been completely obsessed with finding a distraction, a replacement. I’d been so stupid. There was no replacing her.
Kiera shifted her stance, a little uncomfortable. “You shouldn’t use people, Kellan…for any reason.”
I found that response ironic, and I called her on it. “You didn’t use me, to block out Denny our first time?” I knew she had. The way she’d been drowning her sorrows in alcohol…she’d gulped me down with just as much ferocity. She’d used me to abolish Denny in her mind. Embarrassed by the truth, Kiera averted her eyes. I grabbed her chin and made her look at me again. “It’s okay, Kiera. I suspected that.”
Letting her go, I looked out over the water on the other side of the Needle. “It didn’t stop me from believing we might have had a chance, though. I spent that whole damn day wandering around the city, trying to figure out how to tell you…how much I loved you, without sounding like an idiot.”
“Kellan…”
While Kiera said my name, memories of every place I’d gone that day flooded me. I’d been so scared to tell her how I felt that I had left her alone, and probably believing that I didn’t care about her at all. No wonder she’d instantly taken Denny back. She’d probably thought I was an unfeeling asshole.
Returning my eyes to her, I confessed my pain. “God…when you went right back to him, like we were nothing at all, that killed me. I knew it…The minute I finally came home, and heard you two upstairs, I knew we didn’t have a chance.” I couldn’t keep the remembered anger from my voice.
Kiera blinked when I was finished. “You heard us?” she asked, confused. I had given her some lie about seeing his jacket, if I was recalling that night correctly. I’d been pretty wasted.
Looking down, I cringed. I probably should have left that out. She didn’t need to be embarrassed that I’d heard…everything. “Oh…yeah. I came back and heard you guys in your room, getting…reacquainted. That…pretty much sucked. I grabbed a fifth, headed to Sam’s, and, well, you know how that turned out.” With me shit-faced and nearly passed out in the tub.
By the shock in her voice, it was clear she hadn’t known any of that. “Kellan, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kiera.” I glanced at her, then looked away. “I was such a dick to you afterwards. I’m sorry about that.” Kiera grimaced when I gave her a sheepish smile. Apparently, she agreed with me. “I’m sorry, I tend to lose the filter on my mouth when I’m angry…and no one seems to be able to make me angrier than you.” Wasn’t that the truth?
With a humorless laugh, Kiera raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ve noticed that.” I laughed at her comment and her expression changed. “You were always right though. And I did kind of deserve your…harshness.”
Quieting, I cupped her cheek. “No, you didn’t. You never deserved the things I said to you.”
“I was horribly…misleading to you,” she said, guilt and sadness drawing down her features.
“You didn’t know I loved you,” I whispered, stroking her cheek.
Her eyes were a liquid green when she looked up at me. “I knew you cared for me. I was…callous.”
Callous? I suppose I could give her that much. There were times when she’d been coarse with me. And vice versa. To soften the blow of agreeing with her, I gave her a small smile and a kiss. “True. But we seem to have gotten off track. I believe we were talking about my messed-up psyche.”
Shaking away the seriousness of the moment, she let out a brief laugh. “Right, your…whoring.”
“Ouch.” I laughed at her comment, gathered my courage, then pulled off the bandage that had been holding my splintered heart together for far too long. “I suppose I should start with the whole tortured-childhood speech…”
Obviously not wanting to cause me any pain, Kiera was hesitant to hear my story at first. “We’ve already talked about that, you don’t have to bring it up again.”
I wanted to talk about it though. I wouldn’t feel right leaving here until I had. “Kiera…we only scratched the very tip of that very deep wound. There is so much more that I don’t talk about…to anyone.”
“You don’t have to tell me, Kellan,” she insisted. “I don’t want to hurt you by—”
“I want to…in a weird way. I want you to understand. I want you to know me.” No one had ever really known me. Not my parents, not Denny, not my band. Nobody. I thought I’d been protecting myself by keeping it all inside, but maybe I’d been making it worse. I felt lonelier than ever. But not for long.
Maybe seeing sadness sweep over me, Kiera met my eyes and gave me a mischievous eyebrow wiggle. I knew what part of my sentence she’d taken suggestively, and I laughed as humor lightened my load. “Not just…biblically,” I muttered.
Kiera curled her fingers around the hair against my neck, sending bolts of pleasure down my spine. “Okay, if you want to…I’ll listen to whatever you want to tell me, and I’ll respect anything you don’t want to tell me.”
She gave me an encouraging smile that made me love her all the more. If only she realized how calming her presence was. If she were anyone else, I wouldn’t be able to do this. Since she’d already brought humor into the conversation, I prepped her by saying, “You’re going to find it funny.”
Kiera didn’t think so. “I don’t see how that’s possible,” she whispered, her hazel eyes searching mine.
I let out a soft sigh. She was right, it wasn’t ha-ha funny, but it was interesting funny. For us, at least. “Well, okay, maybe not funny…coincidental, then.”
When she gave me a confused expression, I slowly began my story. It was difficult, but I started peeling back the lies that were wrapped around me, started showing her the skeletons that I’d pretended my entire life weren’t there. I’d never in a million years thought I’d be able to talk to another human being about my childhood, but once I started speaking, the words just kept on coming.
“It seems that my mother was…enamored with my father’s best friend. So when dear old Dad had to leave town for several months…some family emergency thing back East…you can imagine his surprise, when he came back home to find his blushing bride pregnant.”
Kiera’s mouth fell open, and I could tell she’d instantly spotted the similarities to our own situation. I held my hands out to my sides and put on a sarcastic smile. “Surprise, honey.”
By the shock on Kiera’s face, she hadn’t suspected my dad wasn’t my real dad. Of course, no one did. That was our family’s greatest secret, and biggest shame, and it wasn’t something we openly discussed. With anyone. “What did your dad do?” she asked.
“Ahhh…Well, here is the part where my mother showed her true brilliance.” Calmly looking her in the eye, I told Kiera the exact excuse my mother had given my father. “She told him that she was raped while he was gone…and he believed her.”
Needless to say, hearing Mom’s chosen fable blew Kiera’s mind. Honestly, Mom’s tale blew my mind too, even after all this time. Her face paled, I could tell, even in this dim lighting, and I knew what she was thinking—What sort of person does that? I didn’t have a good answer for her very good question, but I knew the price I had paid for Mom’s deception: Dad had seen me as an abomination from the time of my conception. “He looked at me as the seed of a monster from day one. He hated me before I was even born.”
Kiera gave me a sympathetic kiss on the cheek, whispered she was sorry, then asked why my mom would do that. I shrugged. I’d asked myself that a few times too, and all I had ever been able to come up with was one thing: fear.
“She didn’t want to lose everything, I guess.” A cold laugh escaped me. “Once she played that card though, man, she committed to it. There’s even a police report somewhere, blaming some generic white guy. My birth certificate even says ‘John Doe’ under the ‘father.’ Dad wouldn’t claim me,” I told her in a whisper. Dad’s refusal to lie for my sake said a lot about how he really felt about me. Even though he’d dismissed me in person every day of my life, it was surprisingly painful to be formally rejected on a legally binding piece of paper.
“God, Kellan…And they told you all this?” Disbelief was as clear as the empathetic tears on her cheeks. Kiera couldn’t believe my mom would say such a thing, and she found it hard to believe my parents had let me know about such a horrific incident, real or imaginary.
“Repeatedly. It was practically my bedtime story. Good night, boy…by the way, you ruined our lives.” For as long as I could remember, I’d known about the rape. Why my parents had thought it important for a child to know that, I would never understand. But then again, they had done several things that I would never understand. Why couldn’t they have looked past everything and loved me anyway? Was I so awful?
More tears falling from her eyes, Kiera asked “How do you know about your…about the best friend?” I was glad she hadn’t said “father.” He wasn’t a dad to me, and he never would be…wherever the hell he was. I didn’t care what our DNA said, that man was nothing to me.