Letting go wasn’t something that happened all at once though. It was a gradual process, with giant steps forward, and then a few steps back. We’d be happy and content, doting on each other, stealing soft kisses at Pete’s, then all of a sudden, something would happen to disturb our peace…like a couple of girls inviting me out right in front of Kiera.
I knew by the look on Kiera’s face that trouble was brewing, so I turned the girls down and hopped onstage as fast as I could. For the remainder of her shift, Kiera acted like everything was fine, but afterward, in the parking lot, she made a snide comment that I had almost been expecting. “Should we stop by the store on the way home? I think we’re out of whipped cream.”
Stopping in my tracks, I stared at her watery eyes. I knew she was upset, and I knew exactly what her comment was referencing. “I turned them down, Kiera. I always turn all of them down. You don’t have anything to worry about.”
She looked back at the bar, and a tear rolled down her cheek. “You didn’t that night…”
I closed my eyes and a sigh escaped me. I’d known that night would eventually come back to bite me in the ass. “Kiera…”
Her eyes flashed back to mine. “I had to listen to you have an orgy, Kellan. That…hurt.”
Guilt made me say something stupid. Stepping closer to her, I snapped out, “And I had to watch you leave the club with Denny. You left to go screw him while pretending he was me! If you want to discuss being hurt…then let’s talk about how much that hurt!”
And we did. For hours, we discussed the myriad ways we’d tortured each other. And then, when the angry fire between us was doused, we went over to Kiera’s place and cuddled on her couch until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Kissing her hair before I dozed off, I told her how sorry I was, and how much I loved her, and she repeated the feelings back to me. And that was how we healed, how we found balance. We allowed ourselves to get angry, to bring up things that had hurt us, over and over again if we needed to. We talked them out instead of brushing them aside, until eventually, the painful conversations became fewer and farther between, and the good parts of our new relationship became larger and more important.
Kiera and I still weren’t having sex, but we weren’t exactly keeping our hands off each other either. We were frequently in some stage of undress—my shirt, her shirt, something always seemed to be missing when we were alone. And while I loved bringing Kiera to the breaking point, then playfully pulling back and telling her we needed to slow down, I was ready to be with her again, and the painful need of wanting her was only growing every time we touched.
A part of me wanted to push us both past the point of no return, but a larger part wanted it to be something we talked about and were ready for, both emotionally and physically. And I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. It might seem like coercion if it came from me. I wanted Kiera to approach me. I wanted her to be bold enough, and confident enough, to tell me that she was ready to make love to me.
Evan thought it was odd we were waiting, but seeing as he hadn’t even kissed Jenny yet, he didn’t have room to talk. I was just about to put that intervention together when Kiera approached me at Pete’s one night with red cheeks and a stunned expression. “You are not going to believe who I just walked in on in the back room.”
I had a pretty good idea who it might be, since their flirting had ramped up recently, but I played dumb so I could tease Kiera. “Um…Anna and Griffin?” I raised an eyebrow. “Do you need me to scrub your eyes for you?” My gaze drifted down her body. “Or I could scrub somewhere else, if you prefer?”
Her cheeks turned a darker shade as she rapped my shoulder. “No…” Her face brightened again. “Evan and Jenny! They’ve been flirting a lot lately, but they were totally kissing and…stuff…”
She looked away and I wondered what all they’d been doing back there. Good for them. And about freaking time. With a laugh, I told her, “I’ve been waiting for that one.”
Evan rejoined the table before it was time to go onstage. I simply smiled as I stared at him. He ignored me for a long time, then with a sigh, he looked my way and asked in a flat voice, “What?”
Putting my elbows on the table, I leaned forward. “Anything you want to say to me?”
With a sniff, he looked down at my shirt. “I don’t think brown is your color.” My smile not diminishing, I patiently waited until his eyes returned to mine. He sighed again. “Kiera told you she saw us, didn’t she?” Grinning wider, I nodded. Evan rolled his eyes, then muttered, “Okay…you were right.”
Putting a finger against my ear, I tilted my head and said, “What was that?”
He narrowed his dark eyes at me. “You were right. Fucker.” He broke into a goofy, love-struck smile. “I like her.”
Laughing, I leaned back in my chair. “Yeah, I know.” As he was shaking his head, I added, “Hey, Evan…Told you so.” He flipped me off.
I still played the emotional song that I’d written for Kiera at every show. Like always, I tuned out the world and sang it directly to Kiera. She cried every single time, which warmed my heart. A part of me had thought she’d been fine during our breakup, but she’d moped, cried, and thrown herself into schoolwork. She’d been just as torn up inside. It gave me peace that it had been just as hard on her as it had been on me.
One night, when her song ended, I hopped off the stage and rushed over to her. I had to wade through a sea of wandering fingers and eager mouths to do it, but I eventually reached her more or less unscathed. With a smile, she shook her head at my antics, but then my lips were on hers, and she didn’t have time to do anything other than kiss me back. The crowd erupted into screams and whistles while I held her face against mine. I think a large chunk of the audience thought it was part of the act, and that they might get a shot with me later, but that absolutely wasn’t happening.
“Your place tonight?” I asked after I finally pulled away from her.
Biting her lip, she nodded. Then she swatted my bottom and pushed me back toward the stage. Tease. I finished out the rest of the performance imagining her legs wrapped around me, her fingers in my hair, and her breathless moans in my ear. I couldn’t wait to be alone with her.
It was hours later, but eventually we stepped through the door of the apartment Kiera shared with Anna. I wondered how long she’d stay here with her sister, but like sex, moving in together was something I didn’t want to rush. When the time felt right, it would happen.
Walking into their small living space, I ran my fingers over the back of the comfortable chair I’d given Kiera. Coming up behind me, she wrapped her arms around my waist. “I was so surprised you gave that to me. And happy. And sad.” I twisted to look at her and she shrugged. “It reminded me of you.”
I nodded. “Everything reminded me of you, but that still wasn’t enough. I needed something permanent.” I patted the tattoo over my heart and stared into her eyes. She was my everything.
Kiera’s eyes misted. “You astound me,” she said, slipping off my jacket.
“There’s nothing special about me,” I said, helping her with my coat.
With a smirk, she pulled on the bottom of my shirt, leading us to the hallway. “I know about fifty thousand girls who would disagree with that assessment.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “Fifty thousand? My, my, I’ve been busy.”
When her back was to her bedroom door, she yanked me into her. “Not everything revolves around sex, Kellan.”
Stepping forward, I pressed my body along the length of hers. “I know.”
Her mouth parted and she tilted her head up, like she wanted me to kiss her. I bent down like I was going to, but then I opened the door to her room and we both stumbled inside. Giggling, Kiera called me a brat while I kicked the door closed with my foot. My mouth went to her neck and my arms wrapped around her waist. She stopped laughing with a small, satisfied sigh. God, I loved holding her, touching her…being with her.
My lips worked their way up to her mouth. Her touch was so soft, so sweet. I had never kissed anyone else with lips quite like hers. They made my head spin, left me breathless. They filled my every waking moment, began my every fantasy, and ended my every dream. Those wonderful, erotic lips…
While our mouths moved together, our bodies began shuffling toward the futon that she was using as a bed. When her legs hit the edge of it, I leaned over, forcing her to sit on it. We broke apart just long enough for her to kick off her shoes and scoot onto the middle of the bed. She gave me a minute to take off my boots, then her hand snaked out for my shirt and pulled me back to her. I laughed as our mouths reconnected. “So aggressive today…I like it.”
She laughed in my mouth as her fingers darted under my shirt. “I just missed you.”
That made me laugh. We’d spent a good chunk of the day and night together. We’d been apart for maybe a few hours in the middle, when she went to work and I’d met with the guys, but it hadn’t lasted very long. Rolling her onto her back, I hovered over the top of her. “I missed you too.” I was getting harder and harder by the second.
Kiera started pulling on my shirt, so I reached back and removed it one-handed. As I twisted to toss it on her floor, she began tracing my tattoo. Smiling, I studied the serenity on her face. When I got the tattoo, I never imagined Kiera would see it. And I definitely never thought her fingers would be stroking the swirling letters of her name. I liked it. A lot.
With peaceful, loving eyes, Kiera looked up at me. My heart squeezed as I looked down at her. She’s mine. I can’t believe she’s really mine. I tenderly stroked my knuckle down her cheek, then leaned down to kiss her again.
“Kellan,” she whispered, right before our lips touched. I pulled back to gaze at her, and she swallowed. “I want to…be with you,” she whispered.
My body reacted to her words, but I couldn’t help teasing her for her vagueness. Placing a tender kiss on the corner of her mouth, I murmured, “You’re with me all the time.”
I ran my fingers across her shoulder, down her ribs. She shivered, then squirmed. “You know that’s not what I meant,” she whispered.
I shifted our position so I was more firmly on top of her, and her leg wrapped around mine, holding me in place. I felt fire surging throughout my body. I wanted so much more, but I held back, teasing her and myself. Running my tongue up the side of her neck, I murmured, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. What is it that you want?”
My hand drifted up her shirt, my thumb circled her nipple; it was fully erect under her thin bra. Her breath was heavier when she answered me. “I want you.”
My lips ghosted over hers. “You have me.”
She gasped when our mouths almost touched but didn’t. I pressed my hips into her, momentarily satisfying the ache building between us. Or maybe I was making it worse. Sometimes it was hard to tell. Kiera moaned and clutched my neck. Her fingers tangled into the back of my hair, sending jolts of electricity down my back. “Kellan…I want you…now.”
My hand slid down her stomach to the waistband of her shorts as I moved to her side. With one hand, I unbuttoned them and tucked my fingers inside. Her other hand reached up to my shoulder, and her nails dug into my flesh so deep I was sure I had marks. God, I loved that.
She was panting as my fingers inched lower and lower. “You have me, now and always,” I whispered in her ear.
She squirmed under my touch. “Yes, please, yes.”
God, I loved it when she begged. Praying I could keep it together long enough to tease her, I let my fingers slide against her. She cried out when I touched her. She was so fucking wet. For me. All for me. “You already have me, so what is it you really want, baby?” I wanted this, but I needed her to be specific. I needed her to be sure she was ready. I certainly was.
I stroked against her in slow, teasing circles. She gripped me harder, squirming against me. “You…I want…”
I contained a groan as her words, her sounds, and the look on her face nearly undid me. Dipping a finger inside her, I softly asked, “You want this?”
She answered with incoherent groans and murmurings that sort of sounded like yes. Smiling, I kissed her throat. Kiera turned her head and found my mouth. She attacked me with eager, hungry kisses that made me want to rip her clothes off and plunge inside her.
Instead, I asked again, “What do you want to do to me, Kiera?”
She started groaning and moving in a rhythm that let me know she was close. I wanted her to say it before she came though, so I begged her, “Please tell me…please.”
She made a noise laced with frustration, then she reached down and pulled my hand away from her. She was breathing hard as she stared at me. Surprisingly, my breath was fast too. “Why did you stop me?” I asked her.
Gazing at me, she took a deep inhale before settling into a peaceful smile. “Because I want to make love to you. I want to have a glorious release with you, not separate from you.”
I gave her a lingering kiss. That’s exactly what I’ve been waiting to hear. “I love you so much, Kiera. I’m so happy you’re with me.”
She kissed my forehead. “I feel the same, Kellan. I feel exactly the same. I don’t want to ever go back to being without you. I love you too much to go back.”
I smiled wider as the warmth of the moment washed over me. “You never have to. I’m yours as long as you want me.”
She giggled. “Well, you already know how much I want you.”
I laughed, then kissed her jaw. Then the moment turned more serious, and I knew it was time. We were ready. Recalling everything we’d gone through, everything she meant to me, I softly sang the emotional song I had written about her while I finished undressing us. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears, and my heart was in my throat as my fingers ran over her exposed, silky skin. There was nothing between us now but love. This was how it should have been, from the very beginning.
With one arm around her waist, I laid her back on the bed. Before joining her, I stopped and stared, awed at what I was seeing. This beautiful creature was mine, heart and soul. She wasn’t a dream, she wasn’t a fantasy, and she wouldn’t evaporate the minute this was over. She was ready to love me, ready to be loved by me, and only me. And although she had her flaws, just as I did, she was perfect in my eyes—a goddess.
My mouth trailed slow kisses over her body. Every soft gasp, light moan, and gentle scrape of her fingernails over my skin ignited me. But knowing I no longer had to share this intimate moment with anyone else inflamed me. I wanted her, always.
As her soft hands explored my skin, mine traveled over her curves. When we could both take no more teasing, I shifted my body over hers. Her name washed over my lips as I slid myself into her, and the absolute euphoria of reconnecting was nothing compared to the emotional bond strengthening between us. We were free, no more barriers.
Gently, I pulled back, then sank into her again; we both cried out in unison. Heaven. As we began to effortlessly move together, I told her how beautiful she was, how much I’d missed her, how much I needed her, how empty I’d been without her. Every phrase that left my lips grew more impassioned as the fire between us spiked. But then the words “Don’t leave…I don’t want to be alone” slipped out of my mouth. It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. Not being with her was my greatest fear. My only fear.
The memory of who I was before she came into my life, exactly a year ago, pounded through my brain—the loneliness, the desperation to connect—I couldn’t go back to that emptiness. I wouldn’t survive it. “I don’t want to be alone anymore,” I muttered, barely conscious of saying it. I don’t want to be without you anymore. Ever.
Her expression full of confidence and compassion, Kiera grabbed my face and told me she wouldn’t ever leave me. Then she kissed me as fiercely as she could, pouring her heart into the action. I twisted our bodies so we were facing each other as we continued making love. And even though we were as close as two people could get, I pulled her tighter. “I don’t want to be without you,” I whispered.
“I’m right here, Kellan.” Grabbing my hand, she placed it over her heart. “I’m with you…I’m right here.”
Having everything I’d ever wanted laid out in front of me was too much, too powerful. I didn’t know how to handle the vast amount of love and joy churning within me, and I was momentarily struck with terror that it would all crumble to dust in an instant. But I knew her words were honest and true, and I found some comfort in them.
My hand over Kiera’s heart seared her hope and love into me, relaxing me. She placed her fingers over my heart, and I hoped she felt my love pouring into her too. I got lost in the rhythm of our bodies, the smell of her wrapped around me, the softness of where our skin touched. And, above it all, the rising tide of bliss that was quickly overtaking me. I knew I was getting close, but I didn’t want to feel this life-altering moment on my own, so cupping her cheek, I begged her to finish with me. Still teetering on an emotional cliff, I also told her that I didn’t want to be alone again.
She told me I wasn’t alone anymore, then she completely fell apart. Experiencing her response, both verbal and physical, pushed me over the edge. At the peak of the moment, we locked eyes, and the entire world seemed to come to a stop. And in that moment, all of my lingering fears vanished. I wasn’t alone. We were in this together now—100 percent.
Our first time together as a genuine couple was one of those pebble-in-the-pond moments that I knew I would remember for the rest of my life. And it was only the first of many, many moments that we were going to share together. Hopefully, it was the beginning of a lifetime together. Because that was what I wanted with her. Forever.
And a lifetime together actually seemed possible now. Several things were seeming possible lately. Matt had gotten confirmation about Bumbershoot. We were gonna rock the festival this summer, and who knew where that might lead. Denny and I continued to be on speaking terms. He even knew that Kiera and I were officially together, and he was still cordial with me. The other D-Bags were doing well. Rachel and Matt were still together, and so were Evan and Jenny. Griffin and Anna were…well, they were happy with whatever they were doing with each other. And Kiera and I…we were progressing at a steady pace, and I’d never been happier in all my life. Yes. Things were definitely looking up.
I’d never really given much thought to my future before now. I guess I’d never really believed I would have one, or one with any true significance or meaning. But now, so many things seemed possible to me, and those possibilities gave my life new meaning and purpose. I was actually excited to see what might happen next. I just prayed to God that I didn’t do anything stupid to screw it all up. I supposed only time would tell, but with Kiera by my side I felt good about my odds. I felt good about our odds. And for the first time, I was beginning to believe that my parents had been wrong about me. Sure, I might make mistakes, I might do things I shouldn’t, I might stumble and fall, and I might even hurt people in the process, but I was going to be just fine. We all were.