Chapter 34
Emotional Release
After that dark moment at Pete’s, I toned it down with the alcohol. Instead of drinking away my problems, I shifted my need for emotional release into my work. I’d been writing ever since Kiera and I parted ways, and I finished a song that I’d written about her. Once it was done, I found I was reluctant to share my painful memory of Kiera with the world. Evan was the one who convinced me I should. He said it would be healing to sing about my pain. And unlike the last time I’d written a song for Kiera, Evan was okay with putting this one in the lineup, since this time around, the only person the song would hurt was me.
We debuted the song at Pete’s. I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the whole piece; I lost it once or twice during rehearsal, which was almost unheard of for me. I’d sung gut-wrenching songs countless times before and hadn’t had any problems. But this one…it got to me.
It was probably the most emotional song I’d ever written, even more than the song I’d said goodbye to Kiera with. This one was about that last moment with Kiera in the parking lot, right before our lives had changed forever. I wrote down every damn detail of our parting. Then I shifted focus to where I was now…struggling to get through the days, scared I would never find love again, lonely, but never really alone, because Kiera was always with me wherever I went.
Evan and Matt had created a slow, haunting rhythm to accompany the song. It was different from our typical stuff, and I noticed that the crowd listened in a way they hadn’t before. Even my looks took the backseat for this one song. It was intimidating, having the entire bar so focused on something that wasn’t superficial, something real. It deepened my appreciation and respect for the art form that had ultimately saved my life. If I hadn’t had music…I didn’t even want to think about where I might be.
The bar was deathly quiet while I sang my grief. When I sang, “Your face is my light. Without you, I’m drenched in darkness,” some of the girls in the front started brushing away stray tears. With the words, “I’m forever with you, even if you can’t see me, hear me, feel me,” they started to openly weep. I closed my eyes to block them out and finished the song as perfectly as I could. Evan was right. This was much better therapy than drinking my problems away night after night. We started playing the song at every performance.
I wasn’t fully healed yet, not even close. Everything still reminded me of Kiera. My soul ached for her, and there was a void in me that would probably never be filled, but, slowly, I was starting to smile again, starting to talk again. Although, I still wasn’t sleeping with anyone. Every night, I went home alone to my empty house and faced the ghosts of regret lurking around every corner. It was hard, but I was dealing.
Sometimes I pretended that Kiera was in the crowd when I sang that song for her. Closing my eyes, I pictured her crying right along with the girls in the front row. She never came in though, and as soon as the song ended and I opened my eyes, my fantasy evaporated. Her sister showed up a couple of times, but that was the closest I ever got to Kiera. It ate at me that she never came in to the bar, but at the same time, I knew it was for the best.
“Ready for tonight?” Evan asked one Friday evening, as he eyed me for any sign of a meltdown. Since I hadn’t had one in a while, his inspection didn’t last long.
“I’m always ready,” I answered. Glancing over my shoulder, I looked at Jenny, then back at him. “Are you ready to admit defeat? I think you’re being ridiculously stubborn about this.”
Evan’s brows bunched. “What the hell are you talking about?” He noticed where I’d been looking, then rolled his eyes. “Quit playing matchmaker, Kellan. You suck at it.” With a laugh, he slapped me on the shoulder, then hopped up onstage to thunderous applause.
I shook my head at my friend. He flirted with Jenny like they were honeymooners, and she flirted right back, but neither one of them had taken a step toward a relationship. It baffled me. I might have to stage an intervention soon.
I was about to follow Evan up onto the stage, but I saw Anna in the crowd. She was desperately flagging me over. I glanced at Griffin, wondering if she meant him, but when my eyes returned to Anna, she was definitely signaling for me to wait for her. Frowning, I paused at my table and waited for Anna to fight her way through the crowds. She had a group of girls with her, and they quickly melded into the front row.
“What’s up?” I asked her, wishing for the millionth time that she was blond and blue-eyed, so she wouldn’t remind me of Kiera.
“Are you…singing that song tonight?” She bit her lip, like she was debating something.
She didn’t have to explain which song. I knew exactly what she meant. Nodding, I told her, “Yeah, it’s in the middle of the lineup, just like usual.”
She gave me a quick smile. “Okay. Good.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Why?”
She swished her hand at me in a dismissive gesture. “My girlfriend wanted to hear it.” Before I could reply, she started elbowing her way through the crowd to rejoin her friends. Okay. That was kind of weird.
Putting Anna out of my mind, I climbed up onstage and acknowledged the fans with a small wave. The corresponding shriek made my ears ring. It made me smile that at least some things in my life hadn’t changed. The people who came to see our shows were still noisy, dedicated, passionate, and hard-core devotees, and I appreciated each and every one of them.
Evan started the intro to our first song on the set list, and just like that, we were off and running. The fans danced, the lights blazed down on us, and the music blasted. I let myself get lost in it, allowed just a moment of pain-free reprieve. When Kiera’s song approached, some of my levity faded. The beginning was always the hardest. In preparation for singing it, I had to allow any walls I might have built up to come tumbling down so the emotion could rush out in an honest way. The anticipation was draining, but the release afterward made it all worth it. Like wringing out a sponge to remove every drop of water, finishing the song made me feel fresh again. I could go on another day.
A bit before Kiera’s song, I noticed Anna was gone. Guess her friend had gotten tired of waiting. Strange.
There was a commotion near the front of the bar as the song ended, but I blocked it out and concentrated on the fans right in front of me. Kiera’s song was next; I needed to shut everything off and focus on making it perfect. I liked to think that every time I played it, Kiera somehow heard it, and I wanted it to be flawless.
The song began and I closed my eyes. Absorbing the words into my body, I let all of my defenses drop. This was me. Laid bare for all the world to see. I felt naked, but I felt free too. No more secrets, no more lies, no more guilt. Just me, sorrowful music, and haunting words of devotion to a lover I would never truly let go of.
I sang about my love and loss, about needing Kiera and feeling ashamed for it. About trying to say goodbye. About taking her spirit with me every day. When I got to a long instrumental section, I swayed to the beat and imagined Kiera was watching me, imagined she was listening to my heart bleeding through the speakers. In my mind, she always cried. The grief meant she cared…she still cared.
Highlights of our love affair flickered through my mind while I waited for my cue. That first awkward handshake. Our first comforting hug. Our first drunken kiss. Making love. Lying in each other’s arms. Hearing her say, “I love you.” It all replayed in my head in a microsecond.
Ready to wake from my fantasy, I slowly opened my eyes. That was when I saw something that couldn’t possibly be real. Icy shock froze me in place as Kiera’s eyes bored into me. Was I delirious? Had I imagined this so many times that I’d somehow made it real? Or was she an illusion? A trick of the lights? A by-product of my emotional cleansing? Would she vanish the instant I blinked?
Mesmerized, I watched the tears spilling from her eyes; it was just like how I’d always pictured her during this song. This hallucination of her was different from the visions of her I’d been having though. She was ten times more beautiful right now than she had ever been in all of my countless dreams. She looks so real…
Certain this mirage would evaporate into a wisp of smoke any second, I sang the last few lines of the song directly to her. When my voice drifted away along with the last strains of music, I waited for my vision to end. It didn’t. Kiera was still in front of me, watching me with tears streaming down her cheeks. Was she really here?
Usually, after this song ended, I signaled Evan to start the next one. This song was so emotional for me that on rare occasions, I needed a minute to collect myself. Evan knew to wait for my signal. I couldn’t turn away though. I couldn’t do anything but stare at Kiera. Was this real? Would she vanish if I moved?
An uneasy silence filled the bar as Kiera and I stared at each other. I heard people start to shift, cough, and whisper, but I still couldn’t move. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matt approaching me. With a light tap on my arm, he whispered, “Kellan, snap out of it. We need to start the next song.” I still couldn’t move. Every molecule in my body was attuned to Kiera. God, she’s so beautiful.
Evan’s voice disrupted the quiet. “Hey, everybody. We’re gonna take a breather. Until then…Griffin’s buying a round for everyone!”
Cheers broke out, as well as laughter. I didn’t care about either response from the bar, because I was finally beginning to accept the fact that the Kiera in front of me wasn’t a mirage, hallucination, or figment of my imagination. She really was here.
The crowd around Kiera started to thin out, but I stayed where I was on the stage. I felt safe up there. Jumping down to Kiera’s level…could kill me. Why is she here?
Kiera stepped forward, momentarily breaking her hold on me. Now that I was able to move, I looked away from her, out over the thinning crowds. I could turn around and leave the bar right now. But…what was she doing here? And why now, after all this time? I was just starting to…well, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling any better, but at least I wasn’t getting any worse. If I went down there and talked to her…what would happen to me? What would happen if I didn’t though? Nothing. Nothing would happen, and we would both continue on, and I would never really heal, never really let go. I’d just continue…getting by.
My decision made, I looked down, sniffed in a quick breath, then lowered myself to the floor. I had to at least know why she was here. Leaving without knowing would tear me apart.
I stepped as close to her as I dared. Our fingers touched and I inhaled a sharp breath; the fire was still there. Being near her was still as electrifying as it had always been. She had tears in her eyes and tears down her cheeks. Unable to resist, I reached up and stroked a bead of moisture away with my knuckle. Her skin was just as soft as I remembered.
Kiera closed her eyes and a sob escaped her. With her puffy, tired eyes, unruly hair, and worn expression, it was clear that she’d been battling the same depression as me; she was a wreck too. It gave me a small amount of comfort that she was. I wasn’t the only one having a hard time with this. How much of her sadness was for me though, and how much was for Denny? After all, she’d picked him in the end, and he’d left her too.
Cupping her cheek, I stepped into her until our bodies were touching. I hadn’t meant to, but somehow, my body shifted into autopilot around Kiera; being as close as possible was a subconscious action. Her hand came up to rest upon my chest, and I wondered if she could feel my pounding heart. I have missed you so much.
The dispersing crowd had started re-forming once I’d dropped down into the mix. Kiera was jostled by a couple of the more eager girls, and I put an arm around her. Thinking we needed to be somewhere a little more private, I started leading her away. One of the drunker fans rushed right up to me and grabbed my face like she was going to plant a big one on me. I didn’t let my fans molest me anymore, so, leaning back, I removed her hands from my skin. Then I shoved her away from me. I generally was a bit more polite when I disengaged from aggressive fans, but I was in the middle of something potentially life-changing here, and I wasn’t in the mood to be subtle.
Kiera looked up at me with shock clear on her face. I’d never done anything like that around her before. I did that for you, because I still love you, and honestly, I still want to be with you.
Kiera’s hand snaked out. For a second, I thought she was going to hit me, but her fingers closed around the wrist of the woman I’d just pushed. Kiera had just saved me from being smacked. That was new.
The fan’s face went from shocked to embarrassed, and she scuttled off without a comment. I laughed as I met eyes with Kiera. “No one gets to smack me but you?” I asked, feeling lighter than I had in a long time.
“Damn straight,” she said, smiling and blushing at the same time. I had to shake my head at her. She was still so damn adorable. Her expression changed as she watched me, and in a serious voice, she asked, “Can we go somewhere without so many…admirers?”
My good feelings hardened some as I grabbed her hand. Things weren’t back to normal here. It was still awkward and awful. There were still too many unanswered questions. I pulled her into the hallway leading to the restrooms. For a minute, I considered pulling her into the back room, but…I couldn’t. The memories were too thick in there. And besides, I didn’t want to be completely alone with her. I didn’t want to cave in to lust because she was next to me. I needed to be level-headed right now.
Kiera looked relieved when I stopped us well before the back room. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the wall. I guess she didn’t want to be alone with me either. Were her reasons the same as mine? Or was she just not interested in me like that anymore? No. I was positive that a part of her still wanted me. But a part of her wasn’t enough anymore. I wanted it all.
A flash of light around her neck caught my attention. When I recognized the guitar pendant I’d unceremoniously dumped into a box for her to find, my heart almost stopped. I hadn’t even been sure she would keep it, much less wear it. The silver necklace seemed to glow against her skin. The diamond in the center shimmered in the lights. It was stunning on her, and with shaking fingers, I reached out to touch it. The metal was cool, but her skin beneath it was so warm…“You’re wearing it. I didn’t think you would.”
She opened her eyes and stared up into mine. God, she has beautiful eyes. “Of course, Kellan.” She put her hand over mine; it warmed me from the inside out. “Of course,” she repeated.
She started to lace our fingers together, but I pulled away and averted my eyes. It was too wonderful, too comfortable. It would be so easy to cave, to give myself over to her. But I didn’t want to fall again. I didn’t want to get hurt again. Distance was good.
“Why are you here, Kiera?” I asked, returning my eyes to hers.
She flinched under my words, like she was hurt by them, and she seemed uncertain what to say. “My sister” was what she ended up saying. Right. Anna dragged her to a show. That was the only reason she’d shown up. She wasn’t here for me…