“And what’s that?”
“I think I’ve always known. But after hearing you? I did a lot of thinking today. You’re right. I’m tired Jess. All of this has to stop. I don’t hate you. I don’t even hate the Masons. Not really. I hated what happened to me. They were just an excuse that made sense when nothing else did. I hated what caused me to be here and that stupid list just kept it alive inside of me. It was a way for me to never forget, a way for me to rehash it over and over again every time I looked at it. I pretended that I made it in some plan to use for the greater good. Like I could repay everything to your family and it would somehow change what happened, and I’d feel better.”
“You were tryin’ to repay it?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. But I do know that life doesn’t work that way. You made me see that this morning. I realized that holding on to this is hurting me, and it’s hurting you. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. That’s not how this gets better. You said choose to accept it or walk away. You said accept who you really are to me. It’s not a choice.” I reached over, touching his arm. My fingers trailed down his Carhartt jacket to his bare fingers. I felt his heart beating in his veins. The road to getting over the past would not be easy, but it was one worth traveling for this boy. I stayed calm in my seat. I looked straight into those blue eyes without an ounce of fear.
“Jess, you said just about everything possible this morning but you never asked me. Ask me what you really wanted to ask me.”
“Because I can’t. That’s not the right thing. I can’t ask you to stay. It was wrong of me to even put choices out there. Maybe it will happen one day for us but I get it. You’re livin’ your life there and this one is mine.”
“That’s the thing Jess. Last night, you asked me to tell you about Paris. It’s all those things I said but they are empty moments. I’m alone even in a crowded room of people. I’m alone every time I laugh because you’re not there with me. It’s an empty dream when the other half of me is somewhere else. I am only truly happy when I am with you. I just always thought you deserved someone better than me.”
“Al, don’t say that. You’ve…”
“No.” I placed my finger across his lips. I wanted to pull him against me; make him feel what I was trying to say, but he needed to hear me say it. “I have hurt you. I have hurt you in so many ways and you never deserved it. I haven’t been the person I should have been for you. So I will just have to do everything I can from now on to be that better person. The one you deserve to come home to every night because I want to be that person more than anything else in the world. Because I love you.”
The words left my lips at the same time the last brick crumbled that sat upon my shoulders, holding me down in the dust. I floated in the air; light and free with the cool breeze, tossing me around like a crimson bird circling high above us. I was finally home. I was finally happy.
“You really said it,” he whispered. For Jess, I think he had waited so long to hear those words the reality seemed imaginary.
“I should have said it a long time ago. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you, Jessup Mason. I…love…you.” Leaning forward, I kissed his stunned lips. He pulled back and studied my face.
“You really want this? All of it? Because I can’t leave. Sprayberry and I are a packaged deal.”
“I want you. And if that means Sprayberry, then I’m all in.”
“What’re you gonna do here?”
“I don’t know. Guess I’ll have to figure it out.”
“You’re serious?”
“As serious as my bags are sitting in Frank’s bedroom.” I leaned forward and touched my lips to his. Pulling back, his eyes looked confused. I assumed Jess never made it past my note on the front door.
“What ‘bout your apartment?”
“Guess I’ll have to figure that out too.”
I kissed him again, just because I could, just because that nagging voice inside my brain was dead, and I could do whatever my heart wanted. I relaxed, falling backwards on the red quilt. His body came with me, never letting go as he stretched out on top of my cold limbs. I kissed his face and eyes. Jess tasted a little like salt from working today. I didn’t care because it tasted of him.
This was my future. This was my home. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was truly living. Jess and I would have a life together; just the way he always imagined and just the way I had dreamed every night when I closed my eyes.
“You’re really stayin’ here with me?”
“Yes, and I was thinking. We should put the porch right here.”
“Porch?”
“I’m not staying in Frank’s forever. I saw his bedroom. It’s not that funny.”
He sat up, staring out across the meadow. His dark lashes blinked as he studied the horizon. We could put a house right here. Why’d I not think of that?”
“That’s why you need me here, for all the important decisions.”
He smiled and leaned in to kiss the tip of my nose. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Jess”
He settled down beside me, putting an arm around my shoulders to tuck me next to his body. My head rested against his chest. The stars would pop out soon, giving meaning to the darkness over our new home. I felt the calm, sweet peace of sharing this once again with him.
“Does this mean you’ll marry me?”
“Are you asking?”
Jess rolled on his side, looking down at me with those blue eyes. He touched my cheek, running his fingers through my hair. “Will you marry me, Alex?”
“I don’t know. We’ve only been dating for about five minutes.”
He grabbed my body, half tickling and half kissing me. “Yes, ok. Yes!” I laughed. “I will marry you.”
Chapter 45
When I was twenty-five…
“I still can’t believe you’re actually at Sprayberry,” I teased Sadie as we sat on my bed in the farmhouse. She had come all the way to Arlis for the biggest day of my life.
“You and me both. It’s like stepping in a John Wayne time warp.”
I reached over, wrapping my arms around her little body. “Thank you.”
“Sweetie, I don’t know if I can stomach anymore of this from you. I’m afraid you’ll break out in some outlandish Glee song.”
“Really, Sadie?”
“Yes, really. It’s ok though. I would rather see you bouncing off the walls, with that ridiculous smile on your face than lying in a puddle of vomit. And I have seen both.”
“You are a real bitch sometimes,” I laughed.
“I know.” She smiled with her sparkly lips. “But sweetie, I am glad that you are happy. And I am glad it finally worked out for him too. Speaking of our favorite cowboy.” She pointed at the bedroom window.
I jumped off my bed and pulled the glass up to see his sweet face. “Hey.”
“Hey.” He leaned his head in enough to kiss me. I would never get tired of this. Our mouths automatically responded in that familiar push-pull of our lips and tongues. His hands ran through my hair and over my neck.
“Hello. You have an audience, who really doesn’t want to see the Jess and Alex sex tape.”
I pulled away, trying to catch my breath. His blue eyes were dark on the edges as he gave me an ornery smile, never looking at her. “Ten minutes Sadie and then she’s all yours.”
“You better make it nine because it’s almost midnight. You know it’s considered horrific luck to see the bride on the wedding day.”
I crawled through the window. Jess grabbed my hand, pulling me out of view. He kissed me again as his body pushed me against the side of the house. His lips were urgent and desperate, making me gasp for air. He pulled away and kissed me on the nose.
I was breathing hard as I smiled at him. “So why did you come over?”