All I ever wanted to do was the right thing by him. Instead, I hurt Jess over and over again, like I had a voodoo doll with his head taped in the center. I jabbed and poked until there was nothing but stuffing left. My heart just couldn’t stand it anymore. How could I look Jess in the face and pretend after finally hearing the truth? The answer centered in the middle of my chest as I continued to stare at his empty plate.
The elaborate meal ended, and we returned to the farmhouse. I immediately went to my room and got out my suitcase. I shoved everything I could find inside and zipped it tight. With shaking hands, I picked up the phone and called the airline. My father watched from the doorway as I spoke to the reservation desk. This was the right decision. I knew it in my heart. I clicked end and shoved the phone in my pocket.
“You sure about this, Pumpkin?”
“Yes.”
“Alright. I’ll help you get loaded up then.”
Chapter 43
Today, 5:45 a.m.
Sadie and I walk through the hospital doors. We follow the path through the winding hallway to the waiting room designated just for the ICU patients. She stops abruptly, seeing the folds of the area bursting at the seams.
“Who are these people?”
“Arlis.” I answer calmly.
We were always notorious, but we were their notorious, which made this scene feel comforting. I scan from one familiar face to the next, seeing the Landrys, the Crawfords, and Ms. Virginia Abbot with her son visiting from Houston. I make eye contact with Mrs. Ida Fleming as she rests in the corner with her grandson, holding a teddy bear blanket. Next to a tray of sandwiches, Sara Beth Nelson visits with the Pritchetts and Ernie from The Bar. My father’s boss, Mr. Buckley, stands alone by the water fountain, dabbing red swollen eyes. I see Gunther from the feed store, talking to Bobby while Skeeter holds the hand of a tiny, blonde woman. The room is flowing with people, who left their families and businesses in a caravan to Dallas to be with one of their own.
A hand pats me on the shoulder and I turn to see Caroline. Another wraps an arm around my waist. They pull me in and crush my body in a landslide of embraces. The bodies pass me around from one person to the next as words float around my head and against my neck.
“Alexandra.” I turn to the familiar voice of Mrs. Mason. The polished woman reeks of a disheveled mess. She pulls me tight against her tiny body. “You’re feeling better, dear?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She leans back with a tormented smile. “Good.” She holds on for a moment, clenching my hands. Her eyes float in a sea of wetness before she releases me back into the masses. Shrinking away, I press my back against the wall and observe the room. Sadie stands to my right in fascination of those around us.
“You need to go,” she whispers, her hazel eyes peering into mine.
“I know.”
“Want me to go with you, sweetie?”
“No.” I swallow hard. I need to do this alone. Walking down the hall to the restricted area, my gray shoes squeak, announcing my arrival on the path to the inevitable. An older woman with straight blonde hair glances up from her screen. Her rosy cheeks support a set of round-lens glasses. I run my hand over my stomach, trying to steady the anxiety.
“I’m here to see Jessup Mason.”
“I’m sorry ma’am. Just like I’ve told the others. It’s family only.”
“I know.” I freeze for a moment, biting my lip. I twirl the band around my finger. It feels loose, like it might slip off with a shrill ping on the hard floor. “I’m Alex Mason. I…I’m his wife.”
Her eyes jump up in a brief flash of pity. “I’m sorry. Let me take you back, ma’am. I’ll need to have you wash up first though.”
“Ok.”
The woman with the tag that reads, Sharlene, puts an arm around my waist. The motherly figure tucks me close to her side as we walk through the doors.
Chapter 44
When I was twenty-five…
The roar of the engine vibrated through the ground and rattled the inside of my chest. This was it. No turning back now as the future loomed ahead in the clear blue sky. The weight on my shoulders appeared to be almost gone. The inside of my body could breathe, like I’d been held underwater for so long I, forgot how to take in a breath of oxygen. I would finally be free.
The engine killed, leaving only the sound of the wind through the trees. The boots crunched the winter grass, getting closer to where I sat on the blanket. He stopped next to my leg. Those tired blue eyes looked down at me. The heat of the bonfire reflected on my cheeks; the one my father helped build when he dropped me off by the old stump, almost two hours ago.
“I got your note.”
“Have a seat.” I patted the blanket next to me. “You missed Thanksgiving.”
He settled down, wincing a little from the sore muscles. His body was covered in dirt, and his right thigh was stained in blood. “How mad was she?”
“You know that line that pops up sometimes right between her perfect eyebrows?”
“That mad, huh.”
“Yeah. Everything turn out ok?”
“It was a mess. We finally got 'em all. I lost eleven. Had to shoot nine of ‘em. It was awful. Some got trampled down with broken necks and then two caused an accident over by Dobbers’.”
“Everyone ok?”
“Yeah, I guess. They didn’t go to the hospital. It busted up their Explorer pretty good though. It was a man and woman with a little girl, just travelin’ through. I didn’t know ‘em. It sure wasn’t the way any us wanted to spend today, but it’s over now.”
“I'm sorry.”
Jess looked sad and just plain tired. My hands ached to pull his dark hair against my cheek but I stayed with my fingers linked over my drawn-up knees.
“I thought you’d be gone on the first plane out of here after this mornin’” His voice was gruff as he finally asked the question that stabbed away at his heart.
“I thought about it.”
“What stopped you?” He let out a deep breath, watching the bonfire.
“Here.” I slid the picnic basket over to him. He glanced at me, like I was crazy. “There’s mac and cheese in there.”
“What’re you doin’ out here?”
“You should take this.” I pulled the folded-up piece of paper from my pocket and handed it to him. His eyebrows wrinkled. “Throw it away or burn it. I don’t really give a shit. Just get rid of it.”
“Alex, what’s goin’ on?” He shoved the paper inside his coat and continued to watch me like I’d suddenly grown two heads.
“I thought we should talk.” My breath floated out in the cool air, much like the release I felt on the inside as I handed over the Mason List to Jess. The scribbled torment was finally gone. “It’s much better out here than yelling at each other in my bedroom. It’s calm, like it’s the only place in the world that ever made sense.”
“You think life makes sense in the place I almost got you burned to death?”
I ignored his jab because we both knew what this spot really meant at Sprayberry. I looked at our names carved in the old stump, and the small markers for BB and Carrot buried next to it.
While I was away, I had searched for another place that gave me this feeling. I searched all over Paris and every other city for almost two years; beautiful places with unique and ancient history, but none of them ever matched up to this spot. I finally knew in my heart, the simplest places in the world sometimes have the most complex meaning.
“After you left, I kept hearing you say those words.” I looked at his sweet face, feeling the warmth spread in my cold body. “You never said it to me before, or I guess I never let you say it to me.”
“Which part?”
“That you loved me.”
“Al…you’ve always known that I loved you.”
“Maybe, I guess. But it’s strange you know. How easy it is to ignore someone’s feelings until they are spoken out loud. How easy it is to pretend they are not real. I got caught up in everything running through my head like some shitty story on repeat that I couldn’t hear what you tried to tell me for so long. You finally made me hear you. Believe me. Very loud and clear. For once, I want to do the right thing, Jess.”