“It’s not what it seems. Just give it to me.”
“I want you to talk because it obviously means a hell of a lot to you.”
“But it has nothing to do with you.”
“It doesn’t? Are you kiddin’? It’s about my family. Shit, Alex. You have me on here.”
“Give it to me, Jess.” I growled the words. I needed control; to feel that paper in my shaking, sweaty palms.
“Not ‘till you talk ‘bout what this means to you.”
“What’s there to say? I hate your family. I hate Sprayberry. It’s all on there in one big fat list. It says it right across the top. Reasons I Hate the Masons. That should explain everything. Isn’t that what you want to hear?”
I expected to see some stunned expression, followed by screaming words. I knew the anger that could come from his blue eyes. Today, in the dark light of morning, he stared at me with something else I couldn’t quite place. He let out a deep breath and scratched the side of his head. “Al, sit down and stop pacin’ around like you’re itchin’ to break somethin’.”
“What did you say?”
“Come on, Al. I know you better than anyone. I know.”
“I don’t break things.”
“We both know you do when you get upset. So sit.” He pulled me down on the mattress beside him and handed the paper to me. I quickly folded the page to cover the words. “When’d you start it?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Alex, you don’t really hate us. When did you start writin’ it? Talk to me.”
“Fine.” I let my eyes zone out on a spot across the room. “I was ten. It was the night of the carnival when I threw up on your boots.”
“When’d it stop?”
“It hasn’t, Jess. Don’t you get it? I can’t let go. It eats away at me. I’m twenty-five years old but every time I open that paper, it’s like I’m eight again. It makes me feel…angry and…mad…and I want to smash things.” I trailed off. Jess didn’t respond. He was in deep thought. I had given him just a small sliver of the dark pieces I felt inside my soul. He wanted to know. Damn it!
“Jess?”
“Why didn’t you talk to me ‘bout it? I know you’ve had a hard time with this stuff but…”
“Why?” The anger surged. I jumped up and resumed to pacing. “Why? I hated everything about why I came to live here. I hated being at Sprayberry. From the moment I arrived, all I ever wanted to do was leave. I sat at night thinking about it. Wishing for it. I missed my home. My real home. I missed my life, but we couldn’t leave. It was all gone. We had nothing. We had nothing except your damn family and their damn money.”
I paced and paced slinging my arms. I looked crazy. I felt crazy. I tasted the venom in each biting word; a deep, toxic bile that came from the suppression of these feelings.
“We lost everything. I’m not sure my dad even ate most of the time. We got kicked out of El Charro. The nasty El Charro, Jess. The black mold-infested El Charro and the meth head who kept me up at night as he beat the shit out of his girlfriend. You know he used to watch me and my dad? Every time we walked up the stairs, he sat on the hood of his car smoking a cigarette. The guy had this tattoo that looked like a demon down the side of his neck in black ink with these red, swirly possessed eyes. I’d try to sleep at night, but all I’d hear was his screaming. I’d dream about those blood red dots chasing me.”
I laughed a little, shaking my head. “At least we had an actual room then. That was before we got kicked out of El Charro. That’s right. We couldn’t even pay to live there. So we slept in our car. Bugs crawled on me at night, Jess. Did you know that? Literal bugs. I felt them sticking to my skin as I tried to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I was terrified they would bite hunks out of my arms.”
“Alex.”
“No, Jess. You asked why. I’m telling you why. I’m telling you all of it. Did you know it was in July? Almost the whole month of July we lived in there. The heat cooked our nasty sweat into the cloth seats and made them reek. It was this disgusting smell like rancid meat and dirty ass. It stuck in my nose and it took hours to shake it when I got up in the morning. It made me feel dirty. I never felt clean. When you met me? That’s where I lived. That’s what I smelled like. You brought more shit to the hospital every day in that damn duffle bag than I even owned.”
Jess got off the mattress and tried to touch my shoulders. I slung his hands away and stared into his face. “I can’t separate it, Jess. The bad stuff made me trapped in this messed up, co-dependency with your family. Every time I turned around, something else was thrown in my face. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t forget about it. I couldn’t accept it. No matter how many times my dad tried to cram it down my throat. So I made the list. I wrote it down. Every damn piece of it. In some twisted way, it made me feel better. I planned to make it right one day. Maybe it would lift this smothering weight from my chest. Maybe I could breathe again. Maybe I could finally let go. I could look you in the face with a clear conscious and not feel like some piece of gutter trash who…”
“Alex, don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.” A tear fell down each side of my face.
Jess touched my cheeks. I no longer had the strength to push him away. “Aren’t you tired? I mean aren’t you exhausted carryin’ this shit around?”
“Yes.”
“Sometimes things just happen. You don’t understand why. You just have to accept it was supposed to be that way so you can move on.”
“You want me to just accept it? All of it, like it was supposed to happen?”
“Yes.”
“She was supposed to die. We were supposed to be homeless. We were supposed to come to Arlis. I was supposed to meet you.”
“Alex, whether you believe it was supposed to happen or not, it happened. Pushin’ me away doesn’t fix any of it.”
“I know, ok. I know.”
“Then how long are you gonna keep punishin’ me for it.”
“I’m not punishing you. I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”
“What’s that exactly?”
“I don’t know anymore. It all became too complicated.” I was exhausted. I couldn’t think or feel anymore. My knees wanted to give out; too much processing in too little time.
“I know it’s complicated, but livin’ here again, I see you around every corner. All the places we’ve been at Sprayberry. Alex, all the memories I have of this place, include you too. I know you never wanted to be here, but you were here. And I don’t wish it was any different. I just wish you saw it that way.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible.” My eyes closed; the pressure building inside. I just couldn’t process it anymore. His pleading eyes felt like knives in my stomach.
“Come here, Al.” His hands touched the side of my waist, pulling me closer against his chest. His boots stepped forward; one on each side of my bare feet. He was warm. I was cold. He pulled my weight against him and I relaxed, feeling his familiar curves molding to my skin. Emotionally stripped and worn down on the inside, I let him hold me. I let him, once again, take care of me.
“I love you,” Jess whispered against my head.
“Why did you have to go and say that?” My arms went slack, and I backed away, pressing myself against the wall by the closet. The air pulled through my nose in stale gasps. A tremor started in my hand. I balled my fingers in a fist to snuff it out.
“I’m sorry but it’s the truth. I know it scares you to hear it. Hell, it probably pisses you off too. But, I love you, Alex.”
“Don’t say things like that.”
“I know all of this shit is twisted up inside of you. I understand and I hate it too. I hate that you had to live it, but it happened and you can’t change it. And I can’t change it.”