I knew Ella was the kind of mom who wouldn’t go into that much detail of why we weren’t together anymore, but those words hit home just the same. “You sure?”
He nodded. “Hailey’s working, and the sub cook doesn’t like kids around. Ada doesn’t like her, anyway. And if it’s okay, I’d really like to see Havoc.” His tone was flat, as if he’d been deciding between broccoli and cauliflower on his plate.
“Yeah. She’d like that, too. So would I. I miss you, buddy.”
“Okay.” He scoffed.
“I do, Colt.”
He didn’t respond, and continued the silent treatment until we pulled onto the dirt road that began just on the edge of the Solitude property.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“My house.”
He leaned toward the window, checking out the property. “You live back here?”
“I do.” We pulled into the small clearing where the house was built, and Colt’s head swiveled.
“You live on the other side of the lake?”
“Yep. Pretty cool, right?” I pulled into the garage and killed the engine.
“Sure.” Colt grabbed his backpack and was to the house before I was.
I opened the door, and he flew inside, dropping to his knees where the mudroom met the kitchen and throwing his arms around Havoc.
She whined, her tail thumping on the floor as she laid her head on his shoulder, then the other. “I know. I missed you, too, girl,” Colt said, rubbing behind her ears. “It’s okay.”
I don’t know who was killing me more at the moment: Colt with his soft words or Havoc with her whines. She’d been the same way when Maisie came home from mega-chemo in December.
“I’ve got ice cream in the freezer,” I offered.
“Nah. I’m good. Let’s play!” He ditched his bag after grabbing his jacket, and Havoc led him out the front door, her Kong already in her mouth.
I followed and sat on the front porch steps as Colt threw the toy on the shore of the lake. He was only thirty feet away, but man, he’d frozen me out so efficiently that it felt like miles.
After a few minutes, I walked toward them.
“You like it?” I asked.
“You can’t see my house from here,” he said with another shrug.
“Nope, it’s behind the island.”
“Is that why you forgot about me?” He flung the ball down the shore.
Yeah, I wasn’t going to survive a few hours with him at this rate. Ella would find me dead, Colt holding the shredded remains of my heart.
“I never forgot you, Colt. That would be impossible.”
Havoc brought him the Kong, and he threw it harder, the motion more anger than exercise. “Yeah, right.”
“Colt.” I dropped to my knees and turned him toward me, then took a huge breath to steady myself. He had twin tear tracks down his cheeks. “I did not forget you.”
“Then why haven’t you seen us? One day I went to school, and when I came home, Mom said you guys weren’t friends anymore, and that was it.”
“Bud, it’s complicated.” I put my hands on his shoulders.
“That’s what grown-ups say when they don’t want to explain stuff.” He blinked, and another set of angry tears dropped.
“You know what? You’re right. Relationships between grown-ups are really hard to explain, but I’ll try. I messed up. You got that? Not your mom. This isn’t her fault, it’s mine. And I messed up so big that we broke up.”
“But you didn’t break up with me!” he shouted. “Or Maisie! You just disappeared! And when I snuck out to see you, you were already gone. You left without a goodbye, or a reason.”
“I’m right here,” I promised, my throat tightening, nearly choking my words.
“But I didn’t know that! You said you loved me and that we were friends. Friends don’t do that.”
“You’re right. Colt, I’m so sorry.” I put every ounce of emotion I had into my words, hoping he’d realize how true they were. “I have missed you every single day. There hasn’t been a minute when I haven’t wanted to see you, or talk to you. What happened between your mom and me doesn’t mean that I don’t love you and Maisie. It’s just…” Why weren’t there words for this? Why couldn’t I explain things to him without placing blame on Ella? It wasn’t her fault. It was mine.
“Complicated,” he finished.
“Yeah. Complicated.”
His anger faded, his mouth drooping into a profound, lip-trembling sadness. “I just…I kind of thought you were my dad. Or maybe you would be one day. And then you were gone.”
This time his tears destroyed me. I yanked him against my chest, wrapping my arms around him. “Me, too, Colt. Nothing would have made me happier than to be your dad. You are the best little boy I could have ever imagined having. This isn’t your fault. It’s not your mom’s fault. It’s my fault. So if you want to be mad, that’s okay, but you have to be mad at me. No one else. Promise?”
“I don’t want to be mad.” He cried into my shirt. “I want you to fix it!”
“I wish I could. But there are some things too broken to fix.”
He pulled back and glared at me. “Maisie was really broken, and you and Mom fix her. And she gets sick, and she cries, but Mom says she’ll get better if she fights, and then it will all be worth it.”
“I know.” I was usually really good at kid logic, but he was stumping me here.
“So you can’t be more broken than Maisie and not try to fix it. You don’t see Maisie giving up, and it’s been forever.” He dragged out the last word. “You and Mom broke in a day.”
“I really wish it was that simple, Colt.”
“So does Maisie. But she’s brave enough to try.”
I was seriously getting schooled in relationships by a seven-year-old. “You know who you sound like right now?”
He raised his eyebrows but didn’t answer.
“Your Uncle Ryan. Just like him.”
He looked out at the island and back to me. “Okay. So are you going to try to fix it? Or are you giving up?”
Everything to Colt was so easy. He hadn’t seen the worst of humanity yet, what people were capable of doing to one another. Hadn’t seen what I’d done to his mom. Didn’t know that I’d cost him his uncle. I loved Ella even more in that moment for not turning them against me.
“I can try, buddy. For you and Maisie, I can try.” I’d respected Ella’s wish to disappear. Having taken away all her other choices, that seemed like the best way to honor her. Besides, it wasn’t like I deserved a second chance. But what if I’d made a mistake? What if I should have pushed?
She would have pushed you right back.
“Good. Apologize. Girls like that.” He gave me a nod and a pat on my shoulder.
“I’ll keep that in mind. Anything else?”
His forehead puckered for a moment, and then he gave me a smirk. “They like it when you fight for them, too.”
Man, I loved this kid.
“Emma’s the one, huh?” From what I remembered of Colt’s birthday party, she’d been cute, kind, and smart, with big brown eyes and curly black hair a few shades darker than her complexion.
“She’s got pretty skin.” He nodded for emphasis.
I joined in on the nod, managing not to chuckle. “You tell her that?”
“No!” He looked around for a second, pondering. “Maybe when we’re twelve.”
“Playing the long game, gotcha.” I stood as he turned and threw the Kong for Havoc again, who had been waiting patiently. “I think what you did for her today was pretty awesome. It’s always good to protect smaller people. Maybe less hitting, though.”
He nodded. “I got really mad.”
“Yeah, I get that, too. But that’s a big part of being a man, knowing your strength and controlling your anger.”
“I’m seven.”
I almost laughed, realizing I’d been in his life long enough to hear him preach I’m six.
“Not for long. You could have just pulled him off, and the result wouldn’t have been as satisfying but just as effective. Plus, no principal time.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, echoing my words from earlier.
“So what do you think about the house?” I’d built it for him, for Maisie…for Ella. Ironically, we’d broken up right before I could surprise her with it.
Or maybe I just should have told her from the beginning, like everything else.
He looked up at the house, his brows drawn in appraisal. “It’s good. I like it.”